Disclaimer: I own nothing, I regret nothing. Bite me baby! Doh! That's supposed to go in the author's note!
Author's Note: I do not own Ranma 1/2 or any of it's characters. I did make up the ghosts, Toki and Toki's masters but that's it. Doh! That was supposed to go in the disclaimer!
Grimm: I want to mention, that what with having to rewrite the last chapter, and seriously edit the one before it (dats why tis short) I've accidentally taken out several key facts, one of them would be Saizo's entire motivation behind trying to claim Sakon as her husband. Why did she cause all these problems anyway? Well truth be told Saizo is the victim of this whole saga. Go figure. I know what you're thinking: She poisoned the dog! But hey, just read and you'll find out. But now it's time for the Ranma 1/2 cast to face their REAL problem. (What, three ghosts with a boring background story isn't enough?) You ask, but the answer is NO! IT ISNT!
Part Seven
Put your talent away! Please!
"What? China? Dark forest?" The man said. "Sir, you're in China alright, but I'm afraid there is no dark forest."
"What?" A disguised Yuki demanded. "I'm really *in* China? This is no cruel joke?" She threw herself on the ground and wept. "Oh thank Buddha I've made it here in one short month!"
"How did you get here?" The man asked.
"I walked." Yuki said simply, upset at being interrupted in prayer.
"Walked? From where?"
"Japan."
"Lie!" The man gasped. "How can you *walk* here from Japan?"
But Yuki wasn't really interested, she left in search of the Dark Forest . . . that *was* where Saizo had said to find the flowers wasn't it? Oh dear, if only she could remember. If only she knew her map was upside down. If only the map were of any consequence to poor Yuki. Most importantly, if only she could actually read the big sign that said "Leaving China, Entering Mongolia, fear the Khan!"
(Yeah I know, I know. Just let it slide)
Narrator: At the Furinkan High School Talent Show, Sakon, who has possessed the body of Kuno, is about to make an important discovery . . . Kuno is to stupid to be controlled normally . . .
"I give the pigtailed girl a perfect Zero!" Kuno cried.
'It's like I can't even control him!' Sakon thought. 'It's as if there's no brain to control, my god the boy is either incredibly spirited, so much so that I cant suppress his sprit, or he is a total, bleeding idiot.
"But I aint even competing!" Female Ranma cried. "Konatsu is just making me up all pretty, and she wont stop!"
"I give the excellent makeup tips of Konatsu a perfect Zero!" Kuno cried.
'It's a mixture of both, I fear.' Sakon sighed. 'Worse, I can't seem to get out. Oh well . . . I suppose I'll sing a song . . .'
"No body likes me, everybody hates me, guess I'll go eat worms!" Kuno sang. "Long thin slimy ones, short fat juicy ones, itsy bitsy crawly waly worms!"
'. . . Ooookay.' Sakon thought. 'Eh . . . I think I'll dance?'
Kuno did nothing.
'I think I'll sing again.'
"First you bite the heads off, then you suck the guts out-"
"Kuno-baby, your making me sick!" Nabiki snapped. "Just shut up!"
"Then you throw the rest awa-a-a-aay. Long thing slimy ones-"
"Shut up Kuno!" Some one shouted.
Narrator: It would seem Sakon has made his important discovery!
'I think I'll stop singing now.' Sakon thought. Kuno stopped singing. 'Hmm . . . doesn't prove anything.'
Narrator: Meanwhile . . .
Nabiki frowned. What a stupid talent show. It had been terrible. She walked home alone, giving up her judging position to some other girl. To her surprise as she walked home she ran into none other than Ryoga.
"Oh, hello Nabiki. Fancy meeting you here. I was just on my way to the talent show." Ryoga said calmly.
Strange, sounded to calm. Not that Ryoga had any reason to be nervous, he just never sounded so relaxed. "Don't bother, your not missing anything." Nabiki yawned. "I'm just leaving it. Akane already went on stage, her act was worse than ever."
"Of course. She has no real talent. Not like you anyway." Ryoga said casually. "But if you want to see something fun, I can show you." Ryoga added with a sly smile.
This was interesting to Nabiki, Ryoga wasn't usually . . . this *way*. There was something different about him, and it interested her. "What have you got to show me that's so interesting?" She asked, making it sound like she didn't care one way or another.
Saizo was back in the rafters, watching the so-called talent show. Hers had been the best act. Of that she was certain.
Sakon was missing, she could tell he was still nearby, possibly in a body. What surprised her was that Yuki was nearby, she could sense it. Yuki was nearby and coming closer. Oh what fun it would be if her sister showed up with her revenge act and started a fight.
Saizo's was a miserable existence, though she didn't let Sakon know, and she kept it hidden from Yuki by constant teasing. All she "lived" for was the combat that took place between her and her sister. It was the only thing that could excite her now, except killing things but she was on killing probation by order of Sakon.
She was not surprised when Yuki crashed through the large doors, followed by that boy, Ryoga.
It made no sense for the two of them to be together, Saizo had to examine Yuki to be absolutely sure that it wasn't that other girl. It wasn't. And that *was* Ryoga, and he looked fairly well treated, no scars no bruises, had he even tried to fight with Yuki?
"Traitor?" Saizo wondered.
Then Yuki clapped her hands and took solid form. She stormed around for a second, inspecting the crowd, looking at people's faces, and passing them by. She stopped when she reached the fool carrying a sword. She inspected his face. She laughed then shook her head.
"What hast thou done to thine hair Nabiki Tendo?" The boy asked.
"Silence Sakon." Yuki hissed. She hit the boy on the head and he went unconscious. Sakon emerged from the body and took his solid form. Saizo had been under the impression that he wouldn't be able to do that for a few more days.
"Yuki." Sakon spat. "Come to fight some more?"
"No." Yuki said calmly. "You and I, Sakon. And Saizo too. We will end this now."
"I'd like to note that I have nothing to do with this." Saizo snapped from the rafters.
"Silence you gutter snipe!"
"What does that even mean?" Saizo cried. "Who cares what it means, your going down Skippy!"
"Skippy?" Sakon frowned.
Saizo took solid form and leapt down from the rafters . . . and fell on her face.
But she refused to let that stop her! She jumped onto her feet, rubbed her face for a moment, then lunged for her older sister.
She didn't stop to wonder why she felt pain, though the thought did run through her mind when Yuki dodged to the side and elbowed her in the back of the head as she passed.
"This talent kicks butt!" One of the judges cried. "Akane, Nabiki and . . . that guy are great actors!"
"I don't have anything to do with this!" Akane cried. "But that girl looks just like me!"
Saizo felt slightly insulted. It should be the other way around. Oh what was she thinking? That wasn't important!
She lunged for Yuki again, this time something quick moved in front of them, and she plowed right into Ryoga.
Ryoga stopped Yuki's punch, and held them both at arm's length from each other.
"Now stop that, this isn't the place some one will get hurt." He reasoned.
"Hey Ryoga, look who's 'talkin ya freak! What did you do when we went to Par-" Ranma shouted, but Ryoga cut him off.
"I never *touched* Paris!" Ryoga cried.
"Yes did! You blow it up!" Shampoo cried.
Saizo grinned. Maybe *she* should blow up something. How about the building?
"So, what's so interesting?" Nabiki demanded. She felt so stupid for following Ryoga, he had no sense of direction, what made her think he wouldn't get lost? Now they wondered around some alley in a very old part of town.
"I'll show you. You're going to love it." Ryoga said.
"I'd better not have something to do with pickles." Nabiki scoffed.
"With whats? Pick olds? What are-"
"You can't tell me you don't know what pickles are! You told me you loved them!"
"Oh . . . did I? Well then I do." Ryoga said. Nabiki frowned. "Now . . . let's go see that really cool thing."
Nabiki didn't suspect Ryoga had some dark motive. After all he was . . . well, an idiot. He wouldn't be able to throw together a sinister plan, more likely than anything the strange feeling she had that she should turn around and go home was just a reaction to the scenery, not the company.
Oh who was she kidding? "Bye now Ryoga." She sighed. "You bore me."
"Ryo-who-now? Oh, oh yes fang boy. Eh, er I mean me." Ryoga frowned. Nabiki returned the gesture.
"What is up with you?" She asked.
Ryoga grinned wickedly. "I'm going to show you something good."
"Now you're freaking me out." Nabiki said with a forced calm in her voice.
"Don't worry. It won't hurt." Ryoga said.
"What won't hurt?" Nabiki demanded. "And what are you on?"
"I've wanted a new play thing. And you will help me greatly."
"Play thing? Okay, I'm leaving." Nabiki spat. "If you want to *play* with me, ask me out like a normal guy, don't make me follow you around town for hours!"
"Don't be so full of yourself." Ryoga spat. His voice changed a little, it sounded deeper, more sinister. "You only *think* your worth that sort of trouble. If we wanted you we could take you with a few sweet words."
"We?" Nabiki demanded. "Not another schizophrenic cutie!"
Ryoga laughed wickedly, then It seemed as if the shadows descended over him, wrapping themselves around him and---
Toki emerged from the shell it'd created. It looked so much like the Ryoga boy. It'd certainly lured his lover off. Of course Toki's plans would probably work better if it knew Nabiki wasn't Ryoga's lover or even love interest. Now she stood there, frozen in time with an impatient look on her face. How like Saizo she was. Only less . . . extreme. Even in the face of one as great as Toki, she showed no fear. Of course, she'd not known that Toki was Toki. If she had, then Toki would have seen respect, and fear.
It bowed before his masters, they nodded acceptance to him. Perhaps this girl did not know fear yet, but Toki determined now he would teach her some. If the masters allowed it.
"You have done well." One said.
"Now let her be a vassal of our holy order!"
"Holy?" Toki questioned.
"Fine then, unholy." The master sighed.
"What is she for?" Toki asked.
"She is unimportant really." One of the masters said. "When this is over we will either teach her to wash dishes and send her away to be a kitchen slave, or remove her brain and make her a court jester."
"I like the Jester idea." One master said.
"I prefer the dishes, but I think she'd work well within a breeding program. She makes my stolen human body feel tight in the pants."
"Your stolen human body is female!"
"That's what *you* think."
"Okay! That's too much information! Gross!"
"Don't worry, we have no intentions of setting up a breeding program anyway. Let the humans go extinct, see if I care."
Toki was confused now. The masters always seemed to change their plans. One day they wanted to rule the world, the next they wanted to make mankind forget ice cream existed and the next they wanted to bring peace and prosperity to all the earth. One day they were drawing up plans for controlled human breeding, the next they wanted mankind extinct!
"On second thought," The first master said. "Let's be nice to her!"
"I want to cut her head off!" Another whined.
"Okay! Let's be nice to her, then cut her head off." One of them reasoned.
Toki frowned. The masters were confusing. "Why don't we . . . continue the plan we have set into motion one thousand years ago?"
"NO!" One of the masters cried. "Yes!" The same one argued with itself.
"Yes! I mean no! Yes! Yes!" Another said.
"Let the peon take control of things. I want a smoothie!"
"Yes! Lets all get smoothies!"
Toki grinned with its wolfish snout. "I am honored to be trusted with this task, I will see it done properly." Toki said.
"Right. You do that." One of the masters nodded. "And eh . . . get back to us on that a'ight?"
"Yes masters!" Toki said.
Ryoga clenched his fists. "Ranma, this is not an act, if you don't want to help keep these two women from each other's throats then-" but he was cut off as a blaze of fire engulfed him. It didn't hurt, but it was distracting nonetheless.
The entire room caught fire, Saizo was shooting flames from her hands and laughing like a maniac.
"I never thought we'd see each other again so soon Sister! But I'd really hoped!"
"And I never thought I'd die sandwiched between two women!" Sakon cried. "And when it happened they were not only fully clothed, but it wasn't that great either!"
"We didn't sandwich you you moron!" Yuki screeched.
"I know, I just felt like I needed to say something." Sakon sighed. "I'm feeling left out here."
Ryoga blinked a couple of times. "Wait a second . . . we're all on fire, and you guys are talking casually when you're burning? What is wrong with you?"
"You're talking pretty casually too." Saizo said. "I wanted to torch every thing and every one, but I remembered Sakon won't let me."
"Why do you listen to him anyway?" Yuki demanded.
"Good question!" Saizo grinned. The flames became hot and Ryoga fell to his knees, the heat was intense, more so than the heat of the flames that Akane's beauty inspired on his arm, or the flames engulfing the marshmallows poor naive Nabiki had accidentally fed him. Ryoga was burning up! "Ah . . . I don't want to kill this one. I've already got plans for him." Saizo sighed. The flames became cool again, Ryoga shook his head and saw that the building was empty.
"You and your plans." Sakon spat. He helped Ryoga up. "You'd better go." He said.
Ryoga shook his head. "No! I want to know exactly what's going on between you three! Because it's obvious by now that it involves Akane and that is something I simply will not tolerate!" Ryoga said.
"MM? You think we'll stop our fight just to educate you?" Yuki asked. "I may be a ghost, but I will have my revenge, do you hear me?"
"I know a lot about revenge." Ryoga said calmly. "But you're dead. You can't kill each other. So tell me, Yuki. What good will it do to hate your sister for all eternity?"
"None. But she must suffer."
"I do suffer." Saizo whined. "I've suffered longer than either of you! I've counted the minutes, five hours longer than Sakon, a week longer than Yuki."
"Oh sister . . . I am so sor-" Yuki moved to hug Saizo, then she stopped and frowned. "Hey now, wait a minute! The last time I tried to hug you I got stabbed in the gut with a spear!"
Saizo fell over laughing. "Oh but my suffering is genuine!" She giggled. "What is the word these modern kids say? Sucker!"
Ryoga frowned. He was the last person who should be dealing with this sort of thing.
"Hold it right there!" Some one shouted. Ryoga looked at him, he was a young man, obviously Asian, he looked slightly familiar, he wore glorious red lacquered armor and had two katanas tied to his waist.
"Yume!" Sakon cried.
"Yume!" Yuki exclaimed.
"Yume?" Saizo frowned. "That's not Yume."
The figure of a young man dressed as a gloriously armored samurai twisted and darkened until it was a . . . a large purple . . . thing.
"I am Toki!" It cried.
"Oh my god!" Ryoga gasped. "It is a super intelligent shade of the color purple!"
"I'm green!" Toki cried.
"Okay, a stupid shade of the color purple!" Ryoga corrected.
"No!" Toki cried. "I really am green! Hey! Hey I'm purple now! Oh no! No matter! We will destroy you!"
"What's up with you?" Sakon asked. "No, wait, let me rephrase that. What are you?"
"We are Toki!" Toki cried. "We are the greatest forces in the universe!"
"What, there more of you?" Saizo asked.
"Toki is one! Toki is many!" Toki explained.
"Toki is . . . is . . . SO CUTE!" Yuki cried, lunging for the purple creature, which promptly leapt to the side.
"Toki has a gift for fanged warrior who ruins plans, oh yes."
"Really? What's that?" Ryoga asked.
"Toki will let fanged boy fight fanged boy's girl friend to bloody death!"
"That's a crappy gift!" Ryoga cried. "I won't hurt Akane!"
"Akane?" Toki frowned. "Said its name was Nabiki."
"Nabiki? Nabiki isn't my girl friend!"
"Neither is Akane." Sakon coughed.
"Hey, you want me ta let yer wife finish you off?" Ryoga threatened.
"Hey now kid, show some respect fer yer elders!" Sakon protested.
"Ryoga!" Nabiki shouted. "Prepare to die!"
"In a second, I'm . . . eh . . . hey!" Ryoga frowned when he saw Nabiki holding the short javelin. She was suddenly wearing white armor; she had a fire in her eyes that Ryoga had only ever seen when Nabiki looked at a large sum of money.
"I am the great adventurer Yuki Hidetatsu, I will fell thee!"
"Oh gosh, she's talking like Kuno now!" Ryoga frowned. "Nabiki, wake up! You have become that which you hate the most!"
Nabiki twitched, but nothing else.
"Just a moment young lady! I am Yuki Hidetatsu and though the resemblance you bare me is striking, you are not me for three reasons. First of all I sense a terrible greed inside your soul, and secondly, I'm me!"
"Toki will let all happy couples fight to death!" Toki cried. "Oh yes, such fun it will be!"
"Happy couples?" Saizo frowned. "Boy oh boy, are you confused! Sakon, Yuki and I are a trio, Ryoga and Nabiki are the only couple, let them fight to the death!"
"Less talk! More fight!" Toki cried. "Oh yess!" It added with a hiss.
Ryoga dodged Nabiki's initial assault with her Javelin. He resisted the urge to knock it out of her hands and slap her around with it; she was a girl after all.
Saizo on the other hand, seemed to have a different solution. She tackled Nabiki, but when Nabiki stood up, only one girl was there.
"Saizo?" Ryoga questioned.
"She's possessed your girl friend." Yuki explained.
"Stop calling her my girl friend! Don't you have a husband to re-kill?" Ryoga demanded.
"Oh yes! Quite!" Yuki took the javelin Nabiki-Saizo had dropped and charged after Sakon.
"I'll get you for this kid! When you least expect it!" Sakon cried.
Nabiki/Saizo got up, shook their head and looked around.
"This is new." They said.
"Saizo?" Ryoga asked.
"Sai-who? Oh Ryoga, what are you doing here?" Nabiki asked.
Everyone, except Toki froze. Nabiki looked at them. "Who the heck are you people? Why does that girl look like me? Why is that giant purple . . . thing laughing? Why do I have a headache . . . is this building on fire?"
Ryoga had to admit, he'd forgotten about that last part.
To Be Continued . . .
Grimm: I pity you. Waiting so long, thinking Toki would be a demon or something cool, and it turns out to be a little purple thing. Did you forget this was a humor fic?
Ryoga: Considering how often you UPDATE I'd say they probably forgot this was a Na/Ry too. Nabiki and I should make out. To remind them.
Nabiki: Your sick Ryoga!
Grimm: (Offers Nabiki his cattle prod) Just once though.
Nabiki: Thanks! (Pokes Ryoga) Get back in yer cage! Hey, that felt good! No wonder your always doing it to us!
Grimm: Yeah, I know . . . now . . . GET BACK IN YER CAGE!
Author's Note: I do not own Ranma 1/2 or any of it's characters. I did make up the ghosts, Toki and Toki's masters but that's it. Doh! That was supposed to go in the disclaimer!
Grimm: I want to mention, that what with having to rewrite the last chapter, and seriously edit the one before it (dats why tis short) I've accidentally taken out several key facts, one of them would be Saizo's entire motivation behind trying to claim Sakon as her husband. Why did she cause all these problems anyway? Well truth be told Saizo is the victim of this whole saga. Go figure. I know what you're thinking: She poisoned the dog! But hey, just read and you'll find out. But now it's time for the Ranma 1/2 cast to face their REAL problem. (What, three ghosts with a boring background story isn't enough?) You ask, but the answer is NO! IT ISNT!
Part Seven
Put your talent away! Please!
"What? China? Dark forest?" The man said. "Sir, you're in China alright, but I'm afraid there is no dark forest."
"What?" A disguised Yuki demanded. "I'm really *in* China? This is no cruel joke?" She threw herself on the ground and wept. "Oh thank Buddha I've made it here in one short month!"
"How did you get here?" The man asked.
"I walked." Yuki said simply, upset at being interrupted in prayer.
"Walked? From where?"
"Japan."
"Lie!" The man gasped. "How can you *walk* here from Japan?"
But Yuki wasn't really interested, she left in search of the Dark Forest . . . that *was* where Saizo had said to find the flowers wasn't it? Oh dear, if only she could remember. If only she knew her map was upside down. If only the map were of any consequence to poor Yuki. Most importantly, if only she could actually read the big sign that said "Leaving China, Entering Mongolia, fear the Khan!"
(Yeah I know, I know. Just let it slide)
Narrator: At the Furinkan High School Talent Show, Sakon, who has possessed the body of Kuno, is about to make an important discovery . . . Kuno is to stupid to be controlled normally . . .
"I give the pigtailed girl a perfect Zero!" Kuno cried.
'It's like I can't even control him!' Sakon thought. 'It's as if there's no brain to control, my god the boy is either incredibly spirited, so much so that I cant suppress his sprit, or he is a total, bleeding idiot.
"But I aint even competing!" Female Ranma cried. "Konatsu is just making me up all pretty, and she wont stop!"
"I give the excellent makeup tips of Konatsu a perfect Zero!" Kuno cried.
'It's a mixture of both, I fear.' Sakon sighed. 'Worse, I can't seem to get out. Oh well . . . I suppose I'll sing a song . . .'
"No body likes me, everybody hates me, guess I'll go eat worms!" Kuno sang. "Long thin slimy ones, short fat juicy ones, itsy bitsy crawly waly worms!"
'. . . Ooookay.' Sakon thought. 'Eh . . . I think I'll dance?'
Kuno did nothing.
'I think I'll sing again.'
"First you bite the heads off, then you suck the guts out-"
"Kuno-baby, your making me sick!" Nabiki snapped. "Just shut up!"
"Then you throw the rest awa-a-a-aay. Long thing slimy ones-"
"Shut up Kuno!" Some one shouted.
Narrator: It would seem Sakon has made his important discovery!
'I think I'll stop singing now.' Sakon thought. Kuno stopped singing. 'Hmm . . . doesn't prove anything.'
Narrator: Meanwhile . . .
Nabiki frowned. What a stupid talent show. It had been terrible. She walked home alone, giving up her judging position to some other girl. To her surprise as she walked home she ran into none other than Ryoga.
"Oh, hello Nabiki. Fancy meeting you here. I was just on my way to the talent show." Ryoga said calmly.
Strange, sounded to calm. Not that Ryoga had any reason to be nervous, he just never sounded so relaxed. "Don't bother, your not missing anything." Nabiki yawned. "I'm just leaving it. Akane already went on stage, her act was worse than ever."
"Of course. She has no real talent. Not like you anyway." Ryoga said casually. "But if you want to see something fun, I can show you." Ryoga added with a sly smile.
This was interesting to Nabiki, Ryoga wasn't usually . . . this *way*. There was something different about him, and it interested her. "What have you got to show me that's so interesting?" She asked, making it sound like she didn't care one way or another.
Saizo was back in the rafters, watching the so-called talent show. Hers had been the best act. Of that she was certain.
Sakon was missing, she could tell he was still nearby, possibly in a body. What surprised her was that Yuki was nearby, she could sense it. Yuki was nearby and coming closer. Oh what fun it would be if her sister showed up with her revenge act and started a fight.
Saizo's was a miserable existence, though she didn't let Sakon know, and she kept it hidden from Yuki by constant teasing. All she "lived" for was the combat that took place between her and her sister. It was the only thing that could excite her now, except killing things but she was on killing probation by order of Sakon.
She was not surprised when Yuki crashed through the large doors, followed by that boy, Ryoga.
It made no sense for the two of them to be together, Saizo had to examine Yuki to be absolutely sure that it wasn't that other girl. It wasn't. And that *was* Ryoga, and he looked fairly well treated, no scars no bruises, had he even tried to fight with Yuki?
"Traitor?" Saizo wondered.
Then Yuki clapped her hands and took solid form. She stormed around for a second, inspecting the crowd, looking at people's faces, and passing them by. She stopped when she reached the fool carrying a sword. She inspected his face. She laughed then shook her head.
"What hast thou done to thine hair Nabiki Tendo?" The boy asked.
"Silence Sakon." Yuki hissed. She hit the boy on the head and he went unconscious. Sakon emerged from the body and took his solid form. Saizo had been under the impression that he wouldn't be able to do that for a few more days.
"Yuki." Sakon spat. "Come to fight some more?"
"No." Yuki said calmly. "You and I, Sakon. And Saizo too. We will end this now."
"I'd like to note that I have nothing to do with this." Saizo snapped from the rafters.
"Silence you gutter snipe!"
"What does that even mean?" Saizo cried. "Who cares what it means, your going down Skippy!"
"Skippy?" Sakon frowned.
Saizo took solid form and leapt down from the rafters . . . and fell on her face.
But she refused to let that stop her! She jumped onto her feet, rubbed her face for a moment, then lunged for her older sister.
She didn't stop to wonder why she felt pain, though the thought did run through her mind when Yuki dodged to the side and elbowed her in the back of the head as she passed.
"This talent kicks butt!" One of the judges cried. "Akane, Nabiki and . . . that guy are great actors!"
"I don't have anything to do with this!" Akane cried. "But that girl looks just like me!"
Saizo felt slightly insulted. It should be the other way around. Oh what was she thinking? That wasn't important!
She lunged for Yuki again, this time something quick moved in front of them, and she plowed right into Ryoga.
Ryoga stopped Yuki's punch, and held them both at arm's length from each other.
"Now stop that, this isn't the place some one will get hurt." He reasoned.
"Hey Ryoga, look who's 'talkin ya freak! What did you do when we went to Par-" Ranma shouted, but Ryoga cut him off.
"I never *touched* Paris!" Ryoga cried.
"Yes did! You blow it up!" Shampoo cried.
Saizo grinned. Maybe *she* should blow up something. How about the building?
"So, what's so interesting?" Nabiki demanded. She felt so stupid for following Ryoga, he had no sense of direction, what made her think he wouldn't get lost? Now they wondered around some alley in a very old part of town.
"I'll show you. You're going to love it." Ryoga said.
"I'd better not have something to do with pickles." Nabiki scoffed.
"With whats? Pick olds? What are-"
"You can't tell me you don't know what pickles are! You told me you loved them!"
"Oh . . . did I? Well then I do." Ryoga said. Nabiki frowned. "Now . . . let's go see that really cool thing."
Nabiki didn't suspect Ryoga had some dark motive. After all he was . . . well, an idiot. He wouldn't be able to throw together a sinister plan, more likely than anything the strange feeling she had that she should turn around and go home was just a reaction to the scenery, not the company.
Oh who was she kidding? "Bye now Ryoga." She sighed. "You bore me."
"Ryo-who-now? Oh, oh yes fang boy. Eh, er I mean me." Ryoga frowned. Nabiki returned the gesture.
"What is up with you?" She asked.
Ryoga grinned wickedly. "I'm going to show you something good."
"Now you're freaking me out." Nabiki said with a forced calm in her voice.
"Don't worry. It won't hurt." Ryoga said.
"What won't hurt?" Nabiki demanded. "And what are you on?"
"I've wanted a new play thing. And you will help me greatly."
"Play thing? Okay, I'm leaving." Nabiki spat. "If you want to *play* with me, ask me out like a normal guy, don't make me follow you around town for hours!"
"Don't be so full of yourself." Ryoga spat. His voice changed a little, it sounded deeper, more sinister. "You only *think* your worth that sort of trouble. If we wanted you we could take you with a few sweet words."
"We?" Nabiki demanded. "Not another schizophrenic cutie!"
Ryoga laughed wickedly, then It seemed as if the shadows descended over him, wrapping themselves around him and---
Toki emerged from the shell it'd created. It looked so much like the Ryoga boy. It'd certainly lured his lover off. Of course Toki's plans would probably work better if it knew Nabiki wasn't Ryoga's lover or even love interest. Now she stood there, frozen in time with an impatient look on her face. How like Saizo she was. Only less . . . extreme. Even in the face of one as great as Toki, she showed no fear. Of course, she'd not known that Toki was Toki. If she had, then Toki would have seen respect, and fear.
It bowed before his masters, they nodded acceptance to him. Perhaps this girl did not know fear yet, but Toki determined now he would teach her some. If the masters allowed it.
"You have done well." One said.
"Now let her be a vassal of our holy order!"
"Holy?" Toki questioned.
"Fine then, unholy." The master sighed.
"What is she for?" Toki asked.
"She is unimportant really." One of the masters said. "When this is over we will either teach her to wash dishes and send her away to be a kitchen slave, or remove her brain and make her a court jester."
"I like the Jester idea." One master said.
"I prefer the dishes, but I think she'd work well within a breeding program. She makes my stolen human body feel tight in the pants."
"Your stolen human body is female!"
"That's what *you* think."
"Okay! That's too much information! Gross!"
"Don't worry, we have no intentions of setting up a breeding program anyway. Let the humans go extinct, see if I care."
Toki was confused now. The masters always seemed to change their plans. One day they wanted to rule the world, the next they wanted to make mankind forget ice cream existed and the next they wanted to bring peace and prosperity to all the earth. One day they were drawing up plans for controlled human breeding, the next they wanted mankind extinct!
"On second thought," The first master said. "Let's be nice to her!"
"I want to cut her head off!" Another whined.
"Okay! Let's be nice to her, then cut her head off." One of them reasoned.
Toki frowned. The masters were confusing. "Why don't we . . . continue the plan we have set into motion one thousand years ago?"
"NO!" One of the masters cried. "Yes!" The same one argued with itself.
"Yes! I mean no! Yes! Yes!" Another said.
"Let the peon take control of things. I want a smoothie!"
"Yes! Lets all get smoothies!"
Toki grinned with its wolfish snout. "I am honored to be trusted with this task, I will see it done properly." Toki said.
"Right. You do that." One of the masters nodded. "And eh . . . get back to us on that a'ight?"
"Yes masters!" Toki said.
Ryoga clenched his fists. "Ranma, this is not an act, if you don't want to help keep these two women from each other's throats then-" but he was cut off as a blaze of fire engulfed him. It didn't hurt, but it was distracting nonetheless.
The entire room caught fire, Saizo was shooting flames from her hands and laughing like a maniac.
"I never thought we'd see each other again so soon Sister! But I'd really hoped!"
"And I never thought I'd die sandwiched between two women!" Sakon cried. "And when it happened they were not only fully clothed, but it wasn't that great either!"
"We didn't sandwich you you moron!" Yuki screeched.
"I know, I just felt like I needed to say something." Sakon sighed. "I'm feeling left out here."
Ryoga blinked a couple of times. "Wait a second . . . we're all on fire, and you guys are talking casually when you're burning? What is wrong with you?"
"You're talking pretty casually too." Saizo said. "I wanted to torch every thing and every one, but I remembered Sakon won't let me."
"Why do you listen to him anyway?" Yuki demanded.
"Good question!" Saizo grinned. The flames became hot and Ryoga fell to his knees, the heat was intense, more so than the heat of the flames that Akane's beauty inspired on his arm, or the flames engulfing the marshmallows poor naive Nabiki had accidentally fed him. Ryoga was burning up! "Ah . . . I don't want to kill this one. I've already got plans for him." Saizo sighed. The flames became cool again, Ryoga shook his head and saw that the building was empty.
"You and your plans." Sakon spat. He helped Ryoga up. "You'd better go." He said.
Ryoga shook his head. "No! I want to know exactly what's going on between you three! Because it's obvious by now that it involves Akane and that is something I simply will not tolerate!" Ryoga said.
"MM? You think we'll stop our fight just to educate you?" Yuki asked. "I may be a ghost, but I will have my revenge, do you hear me?"
"I know a lot about revenge." Ryoga said calmly. "But you're dead. You can't kill each other. So tell me, Yuki. What good will it do to hate your sister for all eternity?"
"None. But she must suffer."
"I do suffer." Saizo whined. "I've suffered longer than either of you! I've counted the minutes, five hours longer than Sakon, a week longer than Yuki."
"Oh sister . . . I am so sor-" Yuki moved to hug Saizo, then she stopped and frowned. "Hey now, wait a minute! The last time I tried to hug you I got stabbed in the gut with a spear!"
Saizo fell over laughing. "Oh but my suffering is genuine!" She giggled. "What is the word these modern kids say? Sucker!"
Ryoga frowned. He was the last person who should be dealing with this sort of thing.
"Hold it right there!" Some one shouted. Ryoga looked at him, he was a young man, obviously Asian, he looked slightly familiar, he wore glorious red lacquered armor and had two katanas tied to his waist.
"Yume!" Sakon cried.
"Yume!" Yuki exclaimed.
"Yume?" Saizo frowned. "That's not Yume."
The figure of a young man dressed as a gloriously armored samurai twisted and darkened until it was a . . . a large purple . . . thing.
"I am Toki!" It cried.
"Oh my god!" Ryoga gasped. "It is a super intelligent shade of the color purple!"
"I'm green!" Toki cried.
"Okay, a stupid shade of the color purple!" Ryoga corrected.
"No!" Toki cried. "I really am green! Hey! Hey I'm purple now! Oh no! No matter! We will destroy you!"
"What's up with you?" Sakon asked. "No, wait, let me rephrase that. What are you?"
"We are Toki!" Toki cried. "We are the greatest forces in the universe!"
"What, there more of you?" Saizo asked.
"Toki is one! Toki is many!" Toki explained.
"Toki is . . . is . . . SO CUTE!" Yuki cried, lunging for the purple creature, which promptly leapt to the side.
"Toki has a gift for fanged warrior who ruins plans, oh yes."
"Really? What's that?" Ryoga asked.
"Toki will let fanged boy fight fanged boy's girl friend to bloody death!"
"That's a crappy gift!" Ryoga cried. "I won't hurt Akane!"
"Akane?" Toki frowned. "Said its name was Nabiki."
"Nabiki? Nabiki isn't my girl friend!"
"Neither is Akane." Sakon coughed.
"Hey, you want me ta let yer wife finish you off?" Ryoga threatened.
"Hey now kid, show some respect fer yer elders!" Sakon protested.
"Ryoga!" Nabiki shouted. "Prepare to die!"
"In a second, I'm . . . eh . . . hey!" Ryoga frowned when he saw Nabiki holding the short javelin. She was suddenly wearing white armor; she had a fire in her eyes that Ryoga had only ever seen when Nabiki looked at a large sum of money.
"I am the great adventurer Yuki Hidetatsu, I will fell thee!"
"Oh gosh, she's talking like Kuno now!" Ryoga frowned. "Nabiki, wake up! You have become that which you hate the most!"
Nabiki twitched, but nothing else.
"Just a moment young lady! I am Yuki Hidetatsu and though the resemblance you bare me is striking, you are not me for three reasons. First of all I sense a terrible greed inside your soul, and secondly, I'm me!"
"Toki will let all happy couples fight to death!" Toki cried. "Oh yes, such fun it will be!"
"Happy couples?" Saizo frowned. "Boy oh boy, are you confused! Sakon, Yuki and I are a trio, Ryoga and Nabiki are the only couple, let them fight to the death!"
"Less talk! More fight!" Toki cried. "Oh yess!" It added with a hiss.
Ryoga dodged Nabiki's initial assault with her Javelin. He resisted the urge to knock it out of her hands and slap her around with it; she was a girl after all.
Saizo on the other hand, seemed to have a different solution. She tackled Nabiki, but when Nabiki stood up, only one girl was there.
"Saizo?" Ryoga questioned.
"She's possessed your girl friend." Yuki explained.
"Stop calling her my girl friend! Don't you have a husband to re-kill?" Ryoga demanded.
"Oh yes! Quite!" Yuki took the javelin Nabiki-Saizo had dropped and charged after Sakon.
"I'll get you for this kid! When you least expect it!" Sakon cried.
Nabiki/Saizo got up, shook their head and looked around.
"This is new." They said.
"Saizo?" Ryoga asked.
"Sai-who? Oh Ryoga, what are you doing here?" Nabiki asked.
Everyone, except Toki froze. Nabiki looked at them. "Who the heck are you people? Why does that girl look like me? Why is that giant purple . . . thing laughing? Why do I have a headache . . . is this building on fire?"
Ryoga had to admit, he'd forgotten about that last part.
To Be Continued . . .
Grimm: I pity you. Waiting so long, thinking Toki would be a demon or something cool, and it turns out to be a little purple thing. Did you forget this was a humor fic?
Ryoga: Considering how often you UPDATE I'd say they probably forgot this was a Na/Ry too. Nabiki and I should make out. To remind them.
Nabiki: Your sick Ryoga!
Grimm: (Offers Nabiki his cattle prod) Just once though.
Nabiki: Thanks! (Pokes Ryoga) Get back in yer cage! Hey, that felt good! No wonder your always doing it to us!
Grimm: Yeah, I know . . . now . . . GET BACK IN YER CAGE!