// Told you I'd update this! Yes, I know REAL long time in the making, but school-
// work, and my other fics distracted me. So sorry to make you all wait so long.
// See chapter one for details, if you need to. As usual, none of this is mine, it all belongs
// to Sci-fi and MGM, blah blah blah, you know the drill.
Chapter Two: Lethal Lunch
Jack walked into the commissary again, dragging behind him a very reluctant Daniel. He could understand
why his friend would be hesitant to revisit the place after the events of this morning. It wasn't every day that
your local cafeteria turned into a chemical and biological weapons plant.
"Jack, I really don't think-"
"Can it, Danny-boy. There's no harm in at least looking at what they're serving." 'And in case there is,
you'll be going first.'
Finding the line for their food, or at least the spot where it would be had people been hungry for the
bases prepared meals today, the two of them chose what looked like a safe combination of items for consumption.
They quickly found Teal'c and Jonas at another table. 'Are those two dating or something? I almost never see
them alone anymore.' "Heya fellas. What's up?"
"Jonas Quinn and I were just discussing the prospect of convincing General Hammond to reassign the SGCs
new chef to our weapons research program," Teal'c deadpanned.
"Wow, that's a great idea, guys." Daniel immediately began discussing the ideas that they could implement
with the Kelownan. Fantastic, all that was needed now was for Carter to show up and start talking science stuff
and his head could explode. 'Urge to quash geeks rising.'
"So, Teal'c, what're you eating?" 'Tell me you've tasted this stuff; tell me it's okay. I so don't need
to die of food poisoning right now; it would really ruin my image.'
"I have not yet decided whether to dine in the SGC for the rest of the day, O'Neill. Even were I to still
possess a symbiote, I do not believe it would be wise for me to consume anything concocted here today."
"Did I just hear you right," came a voice from behind Jack. He turned to see his Major and Doc Frasier
approaching. 'Wait a minute, MY major? Hmmm, well, yeah, why not?' "Teal'c, you're not eating ANYTHING?"
"Indeed, DoctorFrasier."
"Well, can't say I blame him," Carter chimed in. "After this mornings food fiasco, who wouldn't?"
They all grunted in agreement. With the infirmary stocked full of Jaffa being monitored in the first full
testing of the new batch of Tretonin, a dozen officers had already been sent home sick today as a direct result of
this mornings culinary insanity. No one on the sick bay staff had the heart to call those few pretenders on their
fibs. The only reason O'Neill hadn't used this excuse was because of their resident mistress of pain, needle-ninja
Janet Frasier.
"So ladies, what manner of torture are *you* indulging in today?" He smiled with far more cheer than he
could muster in the disaster that surely was looming over them even now.
"Just soup and crackers for me, Colonel," Frasier answered.
"I'll be subsisting on Jell-o for today, sir."
"Sam, as your doctor I have to say, that can't be healthy for you."
Five pairs of eyes turned to regard the good doctor skeptically. "Well...I'm just saying...oh, never mind."
Daniel shrugged and took a long swig of his soda as they all turned to their respective meals. O'Neill bit
into his PB&J sandwich with relish, savoring the cool texture and fruity flavor of the jelly mixed in with the
rich taste and thick texture of the peanut butter. His eating delight was interrupted about a minute later as they
heard a very large *BURRRP* from Daniel.
"Wow!" Quinn was wide-eyed.
"Indeed," intoned Teal'c.
"Daniel!" Sam sounded offended.
"What? *burp* Was it really that loud?"
"Yep. Good one, Space-monkey." Jack patted his best friend on the back. 'I'll un-nerdify you yet, Danny.'
"Sir, don't encourage him."
"Carter, we don't tell you how to tinker, you don't us how to belch."
"It doesn't set a good precedent, sir. What kind of impression would off-worlders get of us if they heard
our team diplomat acting this way?"
"An accurate one."
"Only if it were you, Jack. Oh, hold on; big one coming up…" Following this came the biggest of them all:
*BRRRAAAPP*, which knocked him off his feet, onto the commissary floor.
After Teal'c helped their linguist back to his seat, O'Neill took a moment to assess Danny's statement, then
nodded in assent. "Yeah, you're right. Hey, hand over the brew, Danny."
"No, it's my caffeine, get away!" The archaeologist wailed, clutching his mug protectively. He then let out
a defensive *BELCH*, making Jack back up.
"Colonel, as your doctor, I advise you to leave Dr. Jackson to his soda."
"Oh, fine. Carter, give me some Jell-o, then."
She didn't look up from her intense chewing. "Carter?"
"Hmm?"
"Something wrong with the Jell-o?"
She spit out the glob of blue snack-food, then picked up her knife and attacked it with a savagery few of
them ever saw, even in combat. Interestingly enough, she didn't seem to be doing a whole hell of a lot with it.
"Carter?"
"This Jell-o is impervious to any sort of physical damage, sir; it's indestructible. IT-JUST-WON'T-CUT-
DAMMIT!" Suddenly she snatched up the glob and threw it full-force into the wall-
-which it rebounded off of to impact Siler firmly in the forehead. "ACH!" they heard him scream, before
falling backwards from the blow.
They all stared at Sam. "Carter?"
"Sorry sir, guess you're rubbing off on me." She grinned sheepishly at him.
Rubbing...on...Carter? 'Ohhhooo *GOD*, must-restrain-active-imagination-in front of-Carter.' He was
distracted from his reverie by a sharp pain in his arm. "OWWW! Damn it Doc, can't you lay of the needles already?"
She gave him a strange look. "Colonel, I left my hypos in the infirmary, as usual. I have no reason to
carry them around with me."
"Well, something just stabbed me in the arm." He looked down to see a fork sticking out of the meat of his
lower left arm. "Daniel..." he growled.
"*Burp* Not me. *Braap*"
"I have no reason to use a utensil at this time, O'Neill."
"Me either," Jonas remarked.
"Carter?"
"Uh, sorry sir, but there's something on the fork," Carter commented.
"I don't care what's on it, just get it out of me, you fork wielding psycho scientist!" He *really* didn't
want to think about where that fork had been recently.
'Carter's mouth, most likely.'
...well, then again-
-*yank*-
-"OWWW!"
"Sorry sir." She was now gazing at the utensil she was holding between two napkined fingers. "Is this
jelly coating it?"
Daniel reached over and swiped some with his finger, which he promptly tasted. "Yep, grape *burrrp*
flavored too."
"This jelly is lubricating the fork so well that friction is virtually eliminated. That would explain why
when I tried to grab my fork after the jelly touched it, it went flying."
O'Neill though for a moment. "Well, *my* sandwich has strawberry flavored jelly." He looked purposefully at
the alien sitting across from him. "Jonas?"
"I'm going to choose this moment to exercise the fourth, Colonel."
"Fifth," Daniel helped.
"Fifth."
"Daniel!"
"What?"
"Yipes!" Fraiser literally jumped backward from the table.
"Janet, what is it?"
"My soup...it's moving!"
"Moving soup?" O'Neill's skepticism vanished as he looked at her upturned bowl, which was now inching along
towards the edge of the table. Don't see THAT every day.' On closer inspection, there was a small pseudo-pod of
some sort sticking out of the top of the bowl, pulling the thing along. "Shouldn't we try to kill it or something?"
"Jack, it's soup. How do you hurt soup?"
Teal'c, not waiting to hear O'Neill answer the question, picked up a fork and began to stab the soup-thing
while still in its bowl. After the third or fourth strike, the ceramic bowl broke, letting the oozing entity
*sclorp* across the surface of the table. After a moment, it once again started oozing towards the edge of the
table. "Daniel, you're closest."
"I, uh, don't have any *buurrrp* military training. You do it, Jonas."
"I'd really rather not; it reminds me of a slug. I hate slugs, they terrify me."
Docotr Frasier quickly grabbed Sams bowl of Jell-o, dumped it, and slammed the bowl upside down over the
soup-thing, trapping it. For good measure, she stuck several fully loaded napkin dispensers on top of it to keep the
bowl weighed down. "There, we can dispose of it later, I don't think it's going anywhere."
"So, Jonas, you're afraid of *slugs*?!" Jack couldn't help the note of ridicule that crept into his voice.
"When they grow two meters long, drop from the branches of trees onto their prey, and consume the flesh of
the living, then yes Colonel, I'm afraid of slugs."
Okay, maybe he should let Jonas off easy this time. Jack nodded and went back to his PB&J. 'Note to self,
NEVER go near trees on Kelowna.' "Shut up and eat your sandwich, Jonas. And keep the jelly to yourself."
Things went back to normal for a minute till Jack noticed the Kelownan across from him was looking a little
...weirder than usual, eyes wide, jaw fixed at a weird angle. 'Damn it, can't he ever *once* act normal?'
"What is it now, Jonas?"
"Aahh kahhn uttun aye owwtt."
"Jonas, speak English. You've been the living on the stinkin' planet a full year, learn the language
already."
"Colonel!"
"Well, he wouldn't STOP talking the first year he was here. Why's he gotta go cryptic on us now?"
"Ttss maaaa mmttthh."
"What?!"
"Mmmtttthhh!" The Kelownan was now shouting, or trying to, while pointing at his jaw. Jack also noticed
that Daniel was struggling with his jacket for some reason. "Daniel, not you too?"
"My jacket, it's stuck on...is that peanut butter?"
"Oh my God." Fraiser visibly paled. "The substances in the sandwich must have formed some sort of powerful
anesthetic, paralyzing his jaw muscles."
O'Neill was pretty sure his eyebrows just went orbital at that. "What?!"
"Actually, I think it's something simpler Janet." 'Oh please Sam, let it be good news. Please let it be
good.' "I think his mouth is glued shut."
"YYYTTTTTHHHHHH!"
"But that's ridiculous, all Jonas has had to eat was a PB&J sandwich, same as the colonel."
'Oh, thank you Carter; my stomach really needed that reminder.' "So, what you're saying is, since I
*swallowed* this stuff, I'm doomed?"
"Well, I don't know...what did you do to your sandwich?"
"Nothing, I got the bread, spread the peanut butter on it, then mixed the jelly in with that-"
"Wait, you *mixed* them?"
'Oh dear God, please tell me this doesn't get worse.' "Yeeeaaahh, sooo..."
"Well sir, it would be my guess that, since you ate the jelly and the peanut butter as one, the peanut
butters cohesive properties nullified the jelly's lubricating ones, letting you finish the sandwich without any ill
effects. Jonas, on the other hand, lost most of his jelly when he bit into his sandwich."
"...So, I'm okay then?"
"Most likely, sir." She smiled at him in assurance.
'Yes, Carter's smiling at me, sweet! Hmm, almost worth having my GI tract forever sealed by super glue.'
"Oh, sweet." '*Thank* you, Mom. I take back everything I said about you for the weird way you prepared my school
lunches.'
"Well, I better get Mr. Quinn here to the infirmary. Colonel, I fully expect to see you too before 1700
hours, just in case. C'mon Jonas." She dragged the reticent alien to his feet. "God, I just hope surgery isn't
required for this."
"SSHHSRREE?!" Quinn now looked absolutely terrified as an insistent Doctor Frasier dragged him from the room.
Jack let out a sigh. 'Oh well, worse fates I could suffer than this I guess.' He stood up from the table,
knee popping in the process.
"Jack, you getting fruit loops, again?" Daniel looked up at his best friend with a curious look in his eyes.
"Yeah, why?"
"Oh nothing, just wondered if you could get me some, too."
"Yeah, I'd like that too, Colonel."
"Myself as well, O'Neill."
"Four orders of fruit loops then, coming right up." Teal'c gave him a sidelong look. "Sorry Teal'c, five?
No, six," Teal'c inclined his head. "Right, six bowls. Be right back." Thank God almighty for Fruit Loops...wonder
where they keep the breakfast trays at this time of day?
// One more chapter after this. It'll take me a while; I want to get this diabolical dinner down just right. As
// always, send me reviews, YOUR GOD DEMANDS IT! Now, as an added bonus, everyone who submits a review gets a
// psychic hug! Those who read and DON'T review will suffer my psychic axe!
// work, and my other fics distracted me. So sorry to make you all wait so long.
// See chapter one for details, if you need to. As usual, none of this is mine, it all belongs
// to Sci-fi and MGM, blah blah blah, you know the drill.
Chapter Two: Lethal Lunch
Jack walked into the commissary again, dragging behind him a very reluctant Daniel. He could understand
why his friend would be hesitant to revisit the place after the events of this morning. It wasn't every day that
your local cafeteria turned into a chemical and biological weapons plant.
"Jack, I really don't think-"
"Can it, Danny-boy. There's no harm in at least looking at what they're serving." 'And in case there is,
you'll be going first.'
Finding the line for their food, or at least the spot where it would be had people been hungry for the
bases prepared meals today, the two of them chose what looked like a safe combination of items for consumption.
They quickly found Teal'c and Jonas at another table. 'Are those two dating or something? I almost never see
them alone anymore.' "Heya fellas. What's up?"
"Jonas Quinn and I were just discussing the prospect of convincing General Hammond to reassign the SGCs
new chef to our weapons research program," Teal'c deadpanned.
"Wow, that's a great idea, guys." Daniel immediately began discussing the ideas that they could implement
with the Kelownan. Fantastic, all that was needed now was for Carter to show up and start talking science stuff
and his head could explode. 'Urge to quash geeks rising.'
"So, Teal'c, what're you eating?" 'Tell me you've tasted this stuff; tell me it's okay. I so don't need
to die of food poisoning right now; it would really ruin my image.'
"I have not yet decided whether to dine in the SGC for the rest of the day, O'Neill. Even were I to still
possess a symbiote, I do not believe it would be wise for me to consume anything concocted here today."
"Did I just hear you right," came a voice from behind Jack. He turned to see his Major and Doc Frasier
approaching. 'Wait a minute, MY major? Hmmm, well, yeah, why not?' "Teal'c, you're not eating ANYTHING?"
"Indeed, DoctorFrasier."
"Well, can't say I blame him," Carter chimed in. "After this mornings food fiasco, who wouldn't?"
They all grunted in agreement. With the infirmary stocked full of Jaffa being monitored in the first full
testing of the new batch of Tretonin, a dozen officers had already been sent home sick today as a direct result of
this mornings culinary insanity. No one on the sick bay staff had the heart to call those few pretenders on their
fibs. The only reason O'Neill hadn't used this excuse was because of their resident mistress of pain, needle-ninja
Janet Frasier.
"So ladies, what manner of torture are *you* indulging in today?" He smiled with far more cheer than he
could muster in the disaster that surely was looming over them even now.
"Just soup and crackers for me, Colonel," Frasier answered.
"I'll be subsisting on Jell-o for today, sir."
"Sam, as your doctor I have to say, that can't be healthy for you."
Five pairs of eyes turned to regard the good doctor skeptically. "Well...I'm just saying...oh, never mind."
Daniel shrugged and took a long swig of his soda as they all turned to their respective meals. O'Neill bit
into his PB&J sandwich with relish, savoring the cool texture and fruity flavor of the jelly mixed in with the
rich taste and thick texture of the peanut butter. His eating delight was interrupted about a minute later as they
heard a very large *BURRRP* from Daniel.
"Wow!" Quinn was wide-eyed.
"Indeed," intoned Teal'c.
"Daniel!" Sam sounded offended.
"What? *burp* Was it really that loud?"
"Yep. Good one, Space-monkey." Jack patted his best friend on the back. 'I'll un-nerdify you yet, Danny.'
"Sir, don't encourage him."
"Carter, we don't tell you how to tinker, you don't us how to belch."
"It doesn't set a good precedent, sir. What kind of impression would off-worlders get of us if they heard
our team diplomat acting this way?"
"An accurate one."
"Only if it were you, Jack. Oh, hold on; big one coming up…" Following this came the biggest of them all:
*BRRRAAAPP*, which knocked him off his feet, onto the commissary floor.
After Teal'c helped their linguist back to his seat, O'Neill took a moment to assess Danny's statement, then
nodded in assent. "Yeah, you're right. Hey, hand over the brew, Danny."
"No, it's my caffeine, get away!" The archaeologist wailed, clutching his mug protectively. He then let out
a defensive *BELCH*, making Jack back up.
"Colonel, as your doctor, I advise you to leave Dr. Jackson to his soda."
"Oh, fine. Carter, give me some Jell-o, then."
She didn't look up from her intense chewing. "Carter?"
"Hmm?"
"Something wrong with the Jell-o?"
She spit out the glob of blue snack-food, then picked up her knife and attacked it with a savagery few of
them ever saw, even in combat. Interestingly enough, she didn't seem to be doing a whole hell of a lot with it.
"Carter?"
"This Jell-o is impervious to any sort of physical damage, sir; it's indestructible. IT-JUST-WON'T-CUT-
DAMMIT!" Suddenly she snatched up the glob and threw it full-force into the wall-
-which it rebounded off of to impact Siler firmly in the forehead. "ACH!" they heard him scream, before
falling backwards from the blow.
They all stared at Sam. "Carter?"
"Sorry sir, guess you're rubbing off on me." She grinned sheepishly at him.
Rubbing...on...Carter? 'Ohhhooo *GOD*, must-restrain-active-imagination-in front of-Carter.' He was
distracted from his reverie by a sharp pain in his arm. "OWWW! Damn it Doc, can't you lay of the needles already?"
She gave him a strange look. "Colonel, I left my hypos in the infirmary, as usual. I have no reason to
carry them around with me."
"Well, something just stabbed me in the arm." He looked down to see a fork sticking out of the meat of his
lower left arm. "Daniel..." he growled.
"*Burp* Not me. *Braap*"
"I have no reason to use a utensil at this time, O'Neill."
"Me either," Jonas remarked.
"Carter?"
"Uh, sorry sir, but there's something on the fork," Carter commented.
"I don't care what's on it, just get it out of me, you fork wielding psycho scientist!" He *really* didn't
want to think about where that fork had been recently.
'Carter's mouth, most likely.'
...well, then again-
-*yank*-
-"OWWW!"
"Sorry sir." She was now gazing at the utensil she was holding between two napkined fingers. "Is this
jelly coating it?"
Daniel reached over and swiped some with his finger, which he promptly tasted. "Yep, grape *burrrp*
flavored too."
"This jelly is lubricating the fork so well that friction is virtually eliminated. That would explain why
when I tried to grab my fork after the jelly touched it, it went flying."
O'Neill though for a moment. "Well, *my* sandwich has strawberry flavored jelly." He looked purposefully at
the alien sitting across from him. "Jonas?"
"I'm going to choose this moment to exercise the fourth, Colonel."
"Fifth," Daniel helped.
"Fifth."
"Daniel!"
"What?"
"Yipes!" Fraiser literally jumped backward from the table.
"Janet, what is it?"
"My soup...it's moving!"
"Moving soup?" O'Neill's skepticism vanished as he looked at her upturned bowl, which was now inching along
towards the edge of the table. Don't see THAT every day.' On closer inspection, there was a small pseudo-pod of
some sort sticking out of the top of the bowl, pulling the thing along. "Shouldn't we try to kill it or something?"
"Jack, it's soup. How do you hurt soup?"
Teal'c, not waiting to hear O'Neill answer the question, picked up a fork and began to stab the soup-thing
while still in its bowl. After the third or fourth strike, the ceramic bowl broke, letting the oozing entity
*sclorp* across the surface of the table. After a moment, it once again started oozing towards the edge of the
table. "Daniel, you're closest."
"I, uh, don't have any *buurrrp* military training. You do it, Jonas."
"I'd really rather not; it reminds me of a slug. I hate slugs, they terrify me."
Docotr Frasier quickly grabbed Sams bowl of Jell-o, dumped it, and slammed the bowl upside down over the
soup-thing, trapping it. For good measure, she stuck several fully loaded napkin dispensers on top of it to keep the
bowl weighed down. "There, we can dispose of it later, I don't think it's going anywhere."
"So, Jonas, you're afraid of *slugs*?!" Jack couldn't help the note of ridicule that crept into his voice.
"When they grow two meters long, drop from the branches of trees onto their prey, and consume the flesh of
the living, then yes Colonel, I'm afraid of slugs."
Okay, maybe he should let Jonas off easy this time. Jack nodded and went back to his PB&J. 'Note to self,
NEVER go near trees on Kelowna.' "Shut up and eat your sandwich, Jonas. And keep the jelly to yourself."
Things went back to normal for a minute till Jack noticed the Kelownan across from him was looking a little
...weirder than usual, eyes wide, jaw fixed at a weird angle. 'Damn it, can't he ever *once* act normal?'
"What is it now, Jonas?"
"Aahh kahhn uttun aye owwtt."
"Jonas, speak English. You've been the living on the stinkin' planet a full year, learn the language
already."
"Colonel!"
"Well, he wouldn't STOP talking the first year he was here. Why's he gotta go cryptic on us now?"
"Ttss maaaa mmttthh."
"What?!"
"Mmmtttthhh!" The Kelownan was now shouting, or trying to, while pointing at his jaw. Jack also noticed
that Daniel was struggling with his jacket for some reason. "Daniel, not you too?"
"My jacket, it's stuck on...is that peanut butter?"
"Oh my God." Fraiser visibly paled. "The substances in the sandwich must have formed some sort of powerful
anesthetic, paralyzing his jaw muscles."
O'Neill was pretty sure his eyebrows just went orbital at that. "What?!"
"Actually, I think it's something simpler Janet." 'Oh please Sam, let it be good news. Please let it be
good.' "I think his mouth is glued shut."
"YYYTTTTTHHHHHH!"
"But that's ridiculous, all Jonas has had to eat was a PB&J sandwich, same as the colonel."
'Oh, thank you Carter; my stomach really needed that reminder.' "So, what you're saying is, since I
*swallowed* this stuff, I'm doomed?"
"Well, I don't know...what did you do to your sandwich?"
"Nothing, I got the bread, spread the peanut butter on it, then mixed the jelly in with that-"
"Wait, you *mixed* them?"
'Oh dear God, please tell me this doesn't get worse.' "Yeeeaaahh, sooo..."
"Well sir, it would be my guess that, since you ate the jelly and the peanut butter as one, the peanut
butters cohesive properties nullified the jelly's lubricating ones, letting you finish the sandwich without any ill
effects. Jonas, on the other hand, lost most of his jelly when he bit into his sandwich."
"...So, I'm okay then?"
"Most likely, sir." She smiled at him in assurance.
'Yes, Carter's smiling at me, sweet! Hmm, almost worth having my GI tract forever sealed by super glue.'
"Oh, sweet." '*Thank* you, Mom. I take back everything I said about you for the weird way you prepared my school
lunches.'
"Well, I better get Mr. Quinn here to the infirmary. Colonel, I fully expect to see you too before 1700
hours, just in case. C'mon Jonas." She dragged the reticent alien to his feet. "God, I just hope surgery isn't
required for this."
"SSHHSRREE?!" Quinn now looked absolutely terrified as an insistent Doctor Frasier dragged him from the room.
Jack let out a sigh. 'Oh well, worse fates I could suffer than this I guess.' He stood up from the table,
knee popping in the process.
"Jack, you getting fruit loops, again?" Daniel looked up at his best friend with a curious look in his eyes.
"Yeah, why?"
"Oh nothing, just wondered if you could get me some, too."
"Yeah, I'd like that too, Colonel."
"Myself as well, O'Neill."
"Four orders of fruit loops then, coming right up." Teal'c gave him a sidelong look. "Sorry Teal'c, five?
No, six," Teal'c inclined his head. "Right, six bowls. Be right back." Thank God almighty for Fruit Loops...wonder
where they keep the breakfast trays at this time of day?
// One more chapter after this. It'll take me a while; I want to get this diabolical dinner down just right. As
// always, send me reviews, YOUR GOD DEMANDS IT! Now, as an added bonus, everyone who submits a review gets a
// psychic hug! Those who read and DON'T review will suffer my psychic axe!