A/N: I have some ideas for later in the plot, but since I've got to get there first please keep reading! Later chapters will get better! Snape's revenge! Ron's love! Hermione's lust! You know you wanna stay tuned!!! Hehe.Thank you for the reviews I've received so far!

Disclaimer: Harry Potter people – J.K. Rowling's. Lord of the Rings stuff – J.R.R. Tolkien's. The God of Muggle Fiction and Sardines – MINE mwahahahahaaaaa…actually come to think of it that's not really something I should be proud of…o well, mine anyway. 'Cept the word Muggle, it's J.K. Rowling's too.

**

Snape felt the sensation of being kicked…a lot. And he was being kicked. By four little hobbits and one Ron Weasley, who for the sake of drama was also screaming,

"DIE fiend of Mordor! Black rider scum!"

Snape, being entangled in his robes, was unable to stand up, and this action was made even more difficult as Frodo had just sat on him. He let out muffled screams of anger,

"Get off me you stupid little brute! It's me! Snape!"

Thinking fast, Ron made one of the greatest decisions of his life (At least that's what he said on his deathbed years later) and kept kicking Snape.

"DIE! DIE! DIE!"

Shouted Ron happily. But his happiness was soon shattered by Snape untangling himself and straightening up. Snape brushed the dust off himself with slow deliberation.

"Mr. Weasley, you are going to sorely regret ever doing that. 50 points from Gryffindor!"

The hobbits oooooed. Snape rounded on them,

"And would you stop it with that obsessive oooooing?!" Snape reached to the sky in desperation, "Am I the only sane person in this whole bloody place? Am I the only one graced with the gift of intellect and wit?!"

"Oh no, Mr Severus, Sir," Said Sam, "Gandalf's got all those things too. Only more of them."

Snape growled and bared his teeth at Sam,

"The next time anyone, and I mean ANYONE mentions that wrinkled old prune they will not live to see another sunrise, do I make myself clear?" Snape grimaced, still wanting to hop over and nibble lettuce in a cute and funny way every time he saw some. I'll get that Gandalf back if it's the last thing I ever do! Nobody laughs in the face of Severus Snape and lives to tell the tale over a cup of coffee with their friends! Probably laughing at me right now…Snape stormed off on down the road.

**

Just what I need, Snape thought downing his third pint in one. It's great how alcohol takes your mind off everything…Being sick of hobbits, he looked around him, Thank God at least here in Bree there were men. Muggles, God love them, but MEN. And women, of course, Snape added watching the barmaid as she bent over to pick up his empty beer mug, wearing a low cut corset. Flashing his least threatening grin, Snape raised a happy, tipsy eyebrow at her.

She slapped him.

Oh well, a man can try.

Above the noise of the pub, it seemed it was all too silent. Looking round Snape muttered to himself,

"Now where have those blasted kids gone?"

**

Upstairs, Hermione's eyed glazed over watching Strider talk. Ooooo, he's so brave and rugged and wild! I wonder if he's really real? Are there really men like this? She thought for a moment, well… there is Lockhart and he is real! And he's as sexy as Hell!

Hermione reached out and touched Strider's chest, with her mouth open in awe.

Strider cleared his throat,

"Umm? Little madam? Could you refrain from the touching? It's rather un-nerving…"

"Ooooo, what big muscles you have!" she said in a far-away voice. Ron squirmed in his seat and said tensely,

"Come on Hermione, leave the guy alone!"

Ron grabbed Hermione away from Strider, and sat her down beside him. It wasn't fair, thought Ron; I'M the one she should be drooling over! Ron poked at his own feeble feeling chest and sighed, muscles aren't everything…are they? Still that wasn't the point! Hermione had never made googly-eyes at him before, therefore no other man should be allowed her googly-eyed look! Ron huffed unhappily, turning a colourful shade of red. All of a sudden a very loud,

"AHA!"

Came from the doorway, and Snape bounded into the room heroically with a saucepan on his head, brandishing an umbrella. This, he thrust in the general direction of Strider exclaiming,

"DON'T MOVE! I'm a very powerful wizard! And I'm not afraid to prove it!"

Hermione ran over and stood between Strider and Snape, and lowered the umbrella Snape was holding,

"Professor! This is Strider! A friend!" said Hermione, then as an afterthought she added, "And why are you wearing a saucepan?"

"…" Snape took the saucepan off his head quickly with a large amount of embarrassment and threw it away, and then regained his composure. Frodo stepped forward with his normal innocently idiotic grin on his face,

"Strider, this is Severus, Son of my-father-who's-name-is-none-of-your-business-you…" started Frodo, before Snape intervened and pushed him to one side in an extremely annoyed fashion.

"Professor Severus Snape, Head of Slytherin House and Potions Master at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry "

Snape held his head up as high as anybody who has just worn a saucepan on their head can and outstretched his hand to Strider, who shook it with a look of complete confusion.

**

The God of Muggle Fiction (and of Sardines) sat sadly in Dumbledore's office. He knew the book would be ruined. Already that dratted man Severus hated everybody, and was toying with the idea of taking the ring. The redhead wouldn't stop thinking about the girl, and this made the god scowl in anger, I hate romance novels! Tolkien walked on very thin ice when he included Arwen and Eowyn……… But now that silly little boy is wondering if he should declare his undying love! And of course the girl is driving me insane! All she does is spurt out facts and continuously poke Strider!

The story would not turn out right, he knew it.

The three wizard folk had already added new elements of hatred, love and know-it-all-ness.

I think it's time I retired, thought the god as he hung his head forlornly.