A/N: Thank you everybody for the new reviews! Before my eyes the numbers rose! So I've faithfully chugged down some coffee, and here I am at my keyboard. I'll ignore my puffy eyes, because I'm near Moria and one of my 'good ideas' is in that. Ok, it's not major, just in my (extremely warped) mind; it'll be quite funny. Anyway, as promised, I'm going to include more of Ron and Hermione on this chapter, (sorry my dear Severus! * sniffle *) because I've been nasty and ignoring them!

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry potter characters, they're J.K. Rowling's and her peoples, and all Lord of the Rings stuff is J.R.R. Tolkien's and his peoples.

**

Snape stared up at Caradhras, with its steep, sheer sides and snowy top. Dear god, Gandalf must be insane! He can't seriously expect us to climb THAT, can he?

Yet as the day went on it seemed that, yes, Gandalf's mind was intent on them climbing Caradhras. And so they climbed. And the snow came down. And they climbed. And the snow fell harder. And then they argued about some Mines that Snape had never heard of. Then Gimli huffed. And they climbed more. Snape's hands went blue. Snape huffed. Hermione fell on top of Strider. Ron helped her up. Snape smirked. The Author wrote more short, meaningless sentences to convey the passing of time to reach the scene she wants to get to.

Eventually, they found themselves walking along a winding, narrow path. The snow was now pelting at full force. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a big dramatic scene came along. This involved lots of special and expensive computer effects. All that for a load of snow falling on our Fellowshippers heads.

Hermione screamed, but her voice was muffled. Oh no! I'm inside snow! And it's not half as fun as I thought it would be! WAIT! Hermione thought logically for a second, here I am, stuck under snow, suffocating…this is good, this is VERY good…

"STRIDER! Help me…!"

Shouted Hermione in her most defenceless I'm-a-sweet-heroine voice that she could.

"Hermione! Where are you? Try to push a hand up through the snow!"

Hermione smiled happily to herself at the muffled voice, and did as she was told…only to be pulled out by Ron. She glared at him, and saw Strider a couple of metres behind Ron worrying over Frodo. Hitting Ron on the arm, she hissed,

"Didn't you hear me? I called out for Strider! God! Must you ruin everything Ron?"

Hermione huffed and made her way through the snow to where Legolas was. She was damn well going to make Strider notice her. And if screaming his name out loud didn't get his attention, maybe her idea of getting with another man would.

Ron went bright red with fury and embarrassment over what just happened. He watched as Hermione was picked up and carried by Legolas. SO, thought Ron, SO. So saving a girl's life doesn't make her love you. Great. So what does it take? Never washing like that dirt-covered Strider? Or never cutting your hair? Having stubble? ALREADY HAVING A GIRLFRIEND? Wait…Strider already has someone…and Hermione likes him… OH MY GOD! All I have to do is get a girlfriend! Ron beamed happily, knowing that for once he'd had a bright idea.

Problem: He was surrounded by a bunch of males.

Damn.

Well Ron Weasley, I think it's time you come up with another plan, said Ron to himself, for there is no way I'm letting you screw around with guys just to get Hermione.

A long, thoughtful silence in the mind of Ron.

That Sam person looks like he could be up to it though.

NO! NO! NO! Ron slapped himself, gaining an odd look from Snape. No going with a male hobbit just to make Hermione jealous!

Sigh, stupid me.

**

Professor McGonagall looked at the notice board and rubbed her chin thoughtfully, her hands holding a little red velvet purse.(A/N: I don't know how things are set out in betting shops, so I've used my imagination.)

The list she was reading went something like this:

* New! *

Ron sleeps with Sam the Hobbit to turn Hermione on - 1:2

Hermione convinces Legolas to pretend to be her guy – 1:5

Snape and Gandalf have hot, passionate sex – 1:58

(Professor McGonagall made a mental note to give Fred and George a detention for that)

Hermione un-jinxes Snape's wand – 1:15

Snape steals Frodo's ring – 1:7

Slytherin's house mascot changing to a furry little bunny rabbit – 1:1 (Beside someone had scrawled, "Not a chance in Hell, Gryffy's! – D.Malfoy)

Snape going on a killing spree after losing his mind – 1:3

Ron Weasley, our brother, actually getting with Hermione (Or anything in a skirt… Or just anything alive…'cept Sam) – 1:10 000

Professor McGonagall grinned and gave everything in her purse to Fred Weasley. What did she bet on? Wouldn't we all love to know?

**

And so the company decided against Caradhras after getting snow in places where snow should never have been. Now they stood at the Gate of Moria. And Gandalf was shouting at the doors as he does, with every word he possibly can in every conceivable language. And nothing was happening, Snape thought smugly. So, the Great Wizard Gandalf can't even open a set of doors. Well, well. This WAS a turn for the better! Regardless of the fact he'd spent most of the last day or two covered in snow, and by that he meant…well…like sand, snow gets EVERYWHERE. Except it also numbs things. And it did numb…certain things. Snape shook himself, glad to be dry again and continued his thoughts, regardless of all that, he was feeling incredibly cheerful, because Gandalf was, to put it mildly, making a complete arse of himself. 

"OPEN! I command thee!"

Gandalf tapped his staff on the doors as he shouted. Snape walked over to Gandalf and cracked his knuckles in an off-putting way on purpose. Gandalf turned to Snape and said irritably,

"What do you want now?"

"Oh, nothing really Gandalf. Just to ask what those runes meant again. I didn't quite catch what you said, when you started 'opening' the doors around half an hour ago." Snape said in a velvety smooth and far away voice.

"It reads, "Speak friend and enter.""

"Does it?" Snape said with a fake interest, "So tell me, Gandalf, what IS the elfish word for…friend?"

Gandalf gave Snape an odd look and said slowly,

"…Mellon…"

The grand doors opened (with another dramatic scene popping in to say hello) and Gandalf's jaw fell open. Snapes lips curled up into a controlled smile.

"Oh, look, I thought that was it. It was a riddle. Surely the Great and Wise Gandalf has heard of riddles?"

Gandalf glared at Snape, then beckoned everyone to follow. Snape walked slightly behind, in his sweet, sweet thoughts…

Who da man!? I say WHO… DA… MAN?! SEVERUS SNAPE is that's who! HAH! Eat that Gandalf the Shade of Dirty Off-White and Staff of infinite idiocy! Yeah, you put that in your pipe with your 'pipeweed' and smoke it! Snape paused for a second and frowned,

Damn, if only I could do the secret Slytherin victory dance right now!

**

Dumbledore raised a surprised eyebrow, then asked a couple of passing Slytherin prefects,

"Slytherin have a secret victory dance?"

The prefects muttered something like, "Ummm…ahhh…we're late for class Professor…" then ran off up the corridor with beetroot red faces.

**

A/N: MORIA! We have arrived. YAY. Shall have next chapter up a.s.a.p. I promise! Especially if people are wanting it lol.

Please review if you like this story!

Mucho luv my dearies! Until next time! Carry on smiling ^_^