Title: Ignorance is Bliss

Rating: R (Edited to put up on this site--NC-17 version available upon request) -sexuality, language

Summary: "She wanted to see the damage, but... he wasn't looking at her, his eyes were locked on Ryan and the betrayal burned."

Warning: Hints of slash. Seth/Summer, Ryan/Summer, Seth/Ryan implied

Feedback: Yes, please.

Disclaimer: Everything belongs to FOX and Josh Schwartz and a bunch of other people that aren't nearly as pretty as Josh. ;)

Notes: This has been heavily edited, I wasn't sure it fit under the R rating. If you would like to read the original version, let me know and I will make it available to you.

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Summer had always considered herself to be anything but naive...well, that was all before she fell--really fell, not the fake adoration she had planned for when she found some geriatric she was going to rope into marrying her so she could get out of her father's house and live her own life; away from false sincerity and a sadistic, pill-popping step-monster that fucked the pool boy when she didn't think Summer was watching--for Seth Cohen, Harbour's biggest social outcast. After that, she figured there were few things that could shock her. She was wrong. Because everything was a lie.

Her philosophy professor had started the term by writing: 'Ignorance is Bliss' on the chalkboard in neon green that hurt her eyes. She didn't take notes that day, she was too busy making goo-goo eyes at Seth and rubbing her foot along his calf to pay attention and now she wished she had. She wished for a lot of things now...

She wished she had never taken a second look at Seth Cohen.

She wished she had just written him off as some pervert and gotten a restraining order.

She wished she didn't give a damn about material possessions.

She wished she wasn't so damn forgetful.

___

Her fingers itched and she wanted to hit something, wanted to rip out every hair on Seth Cohen's head, because he was a liar and a cheat...and cheating-fucking-liar!

"I saw you," she said, her eyes on the carpet, her lip trembling no matter how hard she bit down to keep it still. Summer was not the type of girl that cried...at least not out in the open in a dorm room where everyone could hear her through too-thin walls; she preferred to curl up in her bed, her body wracked with sobs while she scolded herself for being so naive. Summer had never been naive before. Not back in Newport. She had always been on-the-ball, she knew the scoop and it was all Seth-Fucking-Cohen's fault that she was crying in public, acting like all those girls' she hated and not giving a damn who saw.

"What?!" he asked, as if he didn't know. As if he hadn't been sneaking around behind her back all this time, pretending what they had was special, pretending she was the one he really wanted to be with when it had been Ryan all along. And she should have known.

"I-I," her voice cracked and she cleared her throat, squared her shoulders and took in a breath. "I forgot my Louis Vuitton bag and you know I can't go anywhere without it, I don't know how anyone can go anywhere without one, it's, like, the best accessory of the..." she trailed off, thinking how stupid and shallow she sounded and she wondered, briefly, if that's what made him...no, she wasn't going to do that to herself. She was going to be strong. This was his fault, not hers. "I went to your room where I was sure I had left it and..." She knew she didn't have to finish, Seth understood, but she forced herself to continue. "I saw you...and him," she declared and her eyes left the carpet and met his, daring him to deny it, to even try to fucking deny it.

His eyes were wide and he had that deer-in-headlights look because he knew he'd been caught and if anyone was listening hard enough they would now know what he'd been trying to deny for so long as truth. "Summer."

He stepped toward her, but she backed away, her hand sweeping over her cheek and making a mess of her face. "No. Don't. I trusted you, Seth! I gave myself to you." Her voice was dead quiet. Anger welled under the surface of her flawless skin, a rage blackout was, potentially, about to occur.

Seth swallowed and Summer watched with detached interest as his Adam's apple bobbed in his throat. "Summer."

Taking a step forward, she crowded Seth, who had a good eight inches on her, but backed away regardless. "Did I look like I was finished, Cohen?!"

Seth flinched.

"You made me believe that you loved me, you made me believe in the possibility that someone could actually fucking love me!" She was crying now, fat drops rolling down her cheeks and she hated herself. Hated herself for crying and hated herself for caring this much.

"Summer, I do love you!" Seth put up his hand, took a step toward her, but she backed away. "I do, I swear, that isn't a lie." She wanted to believe him. She really wanted to.

Looking to the ground as her head filled with indecision, she was momentarily lost until she saw the edge of his faded Converse enter into her line of vision and somehow she found her voice again. Her hand lashed out, pushing on his chest and knocking him onto the single bed. "I'm sorry, did I do something to make you think I was finished? Because you haven't even heard a fraction of the reaming you're going to get."

Looking up at her through incredibly long eyelashes, he had the decency to look afraid. "Sorry. Continue."

After a minute of standing, rooted to the same place, she joined him on the bed and shook her head. "I don't know what to say," she said, softly and turned her head to stare at the cork-board above his computer, there was a message from Ryan and one from her with little pink hearts drawn all over it. She studied Ryan's neat scrawl: 'Meet me in the caf. Noon.' Simple, to the point. Just like Ryan. She didn't have to look at hers to know it was inane scribbles about her love for him or something equally vomit-inducing now.

Seth's arm was around her shoulders before she had the forethought to pull away and then it was just comfortable and good and she didn't want to and felt the pit of her stomach drop to her knees. His mouth was close to her ear. "It's going to be okay, we can work this out, can't we?"

She rested her head on his shoulder. God help her, she still loved him. "How Seth? Tell me how."

The wheels spinning in his head were so loud, Summer feared she was going to get a migraine if he didn't speak soon.

When he finally said something, his voice was low, tentative. "Well, couldn't we all just..."

Summer shook her head, a tear sliding down her cheek, burning her skin. He wasn't going to give up Ryan, she should have known that. She did know that. But she couldn't just be one part of some threesome, she couldn't do it, knowing all along Seth would always want Ryan more and she didn't want to see it, not again. Her vision was blurred when she looked at him and it might have been her optimistic sense of pride that thought Seth might look a little teary himself.

His fingers stroked her cheek, pulled a strand of hair behind her ear. "Summer, I still... I can't lose you."

Turning her head, her eyes found Ryan's message again, her eyes devouring each curve of letters. "But you can't lose Ryan either?"

Seth nodded, solemn.

She stood then, gathered her books and purse she must have thrown, though, she couldn't remember doing so. Clearing her throat, she jutted out her hip, her hand fitting perfectly just above her ass. "Fine, then I want to sleep with someone else."

Seth jumped up, took her by the shoulders. "What?! No, that's just... that's stupid!"

Wiggling out of his grasp, she stood her ground. "Let me rephrase that: I'm going to sleep with someone else."

They locked eyes. If it was a stare down Seth wanted, Summer was willing to oblige. This was one fight she was not losing. This wasn't just about getting her way, this was about keeping her pride. After a tense couple of minutes, Seth's eyes left hers and she took the opportunity to walk out the door.

______

Summer hadn't known what to expect when she snuck into Ryan's dorm after dodging the half-wit campus security guard patrolling the boys' dormitory, but it was not Ryan sitting at his computer wearing glasses and sipping on a coffee listening to Kylie Minogue.

"God, you really are gay, aren't you?"

"What?!" he asked, sputtering and nearly causing his keyboard to become a casualty of war.

"Nothing." She sat on his bed, watching him type for a minute before she cleared her throat and he was forced to hit save and give her his full attention.

"I didn't know you wore glasses," she said, biting her lip. The three beers she'd stolen from her roommate's mini-fridge had done nothing to ease her nerves. It pissed her off, too, because she hated beer, especially American, cheap-ass beer.

"Just for reading," he said, taking them off and tossing them onto his desk.

Her eyes scanned his room. Milk crates held up his bed, giving him more room to stuff bins of clothes and books under it; his shoes, one dressy pair, a pair of cleats and some running shoes, were neatly hidden under a chair where his best clothes hung over the edge; the books he seemed to use often were placed in alphabetical order on his desk beside a cup full of pens and a drafting kit; a soccer ball sat nestled between his pillows and his bed was made army-style neat. She picked up the ball and hugged it to her chest, was about to inspect more when his voice broke through her thoughts.

He had swivelled around in his chair and was facing her. "Look, Summer, I'm kinda busy, so... what'ya want?"

"You don't have to be so mean," she said, referencing his clipped tone. She threw the ball to the corner and crossed her arms under her breasts, tucking her legs under her body. Thankfully the CD had stopped playing.

Ryan shook his head and stood, stretching. "I'm sorry," he said, sitting down next to her on the bed. "Seth told me-"

"Don't! I don't want your sympathy and I don't want to hear his name. Not right now. I don't want to know the sordid details. I don't want to know if it's happened before or if it'll be happening again. I don't need to know if you love him or if you just want him in a purely sexual way. I don't want to know any of it, all I need from you is...all I need if for you to fuck me."

Summer waited for a response; waited so long she thought she might have spoken the thoughts only in her head.

Ryan's head was bent, his fingers were pushing through his hair none too gently and his words were muffled when he finally spoke. "Why me?"

She stared straight ahead, she'd lose her nerve if she did otherwise. "It has to be with you, Ryan. It has to."

Anger was easily recognized on Ryan, though it had been a long time since she'd seen it. "Why, because it will hurt him the most?"

"Yes," she answered frankly. "Are you going to help me or not?" She was aware that she was begging Ryan Atwood and at any other time it would have made her nauseous, but now...now she just wanted to melt into him and make Seth hurt as deeply as she did.

Ryan rubbed a hand down his face, stopped at his jaw and scratched at the scruffy hair there. "Summer...this isn't the way to go about this." She didn't like his tone. He was treating her as if she was some indignant child in the middle of a temper tantrum.

"Fuck you, Ryan." She pushed against him, struggled to make him move at all until he just gave in and let her manoeuver him onto his back. She hit his chest with her tiny fists. "Fuck you," she repeated, feeling moisture seep onto her eyelashes. She looked into his eyes, strong blue eyes that didn't tell her a thing and she just wanted to pound on him until he was bruised and his heart was broken like hers. "How does it feel when he's fucking me and you're stuck in your room knowing what's going on?"

A muscle in Ryan's jaw ticked; expressionless eyes flashing with a hint of emotion before becoming dormant again. She gave up, let her hands go lax and her body limp.

"See, it hurts," she whispered, her head falling to his chest. "Seth should know what that feels like; he should know what he does to us." She could barely speak over the tightness in her lungs. God dammit, she was not going to cry. Not again.

Her hand, so small and so delicate, smoothed over his cotton shirt. "Please, Ryan. I just...I want to feel something other than numb."

"You want to hate him? Me? Hate yourself? Why do you really want to do this, Summer, have you asked yourself that?" Her cheek vibrated against his chest when he spoke and she felt the oddest sense of compassion slither through her.

She didn't look at him. "I just want... I'm not doing this for me."

The silence was heavy. Ryan's hands framed her face, forcing her to look at him even though she didn't want to; she didn't need him to see the pain, the vulnerability. Pulling her close, her head rested on his shoulder she could feel him nodding against her.

"Okay." His hand was rough against her cheek and it scratched a little...Seth's hands were always so soft, like a woman's, really.

She sat up not quite knowing how or where to start, figured he might know what to do, but his face looked just as blank as hers. Screw it, she thought, and crushed her lips against his slightly apologetic mouth. Oh, God, his mouth was so hot and his tongue was in her mouth and it wasn't what she had been expecting at all. She expected awkwardness and there was that, somewhere under the surface, but not this kind of heat, not this need that seemed to built out of nowhere, that, she hadn't been expecting.

She was struck by a sudden cord of sentimentality when she considered how differently Ryan and Seth kissed, while Seth had always been a little bit too tender, too earnest, Ryan was rougher, maybe more passionate or more eager to finish, she wasn't sure which and he kissed her a little sloppily on the neck just behind her ear and whispered dirty grunts that made her skin heat and tingle. Had she known--if she hadn't been so fucking ignorant--she might have savoured Seth's kisses, might have cherished his clumsy touches and the way he still apologized for looking at her boobs, knowing she had something to lose, knowing that she never really had it in the first place; if she hadn't been so ignorant she might have seen what she didn't want to see...Seth didn't belong to her...he never did.

He kissed her throat, nipped it just a little bit violently. Their mouths fused together until she felt light-headed. She wanted air. She wanted to come. She wanted to cry. She wanted Seth.

When she'd said earlier that she wanted to feel anything but numb, that had been a lie. What she wanted was to feel nothing, instead of rage, jealousy, all the feelings Ryan brought out in her and now, though she tried to deny it, she couldn't find numb amongst the folds of Ryan's sheets or on any part of herself that was touching him, especially the parts he was touching...fondling...caressing...

The door opened without a knock. "I got your note-"

Fuck. Seth. Ryan pulled away and she arched her back and pivoted so she could see him. She wanted to see the damage, but... he wasn't looking at her, his eyes were locked on Ryan and the betrayal burned. Somehow she thought this would feel better; that it might put back the pieces of her heart Seth had so carelessly destroyed, but all it did was break them into tinier, less distinguishable pieces.

Looking back at Ryan she saw something equally upsetting in his eyes. Panic. Even though he knew what they were doing and what purpose he had served, he still wanted Seth; worried that Seth would abandon him. His face flushed, his lips got white around the edges.

Summer shook her head, moved off the bed not bothering to cover up as she pulled her clothes from the floor and dressed. She should have felt awkward, self-conscious, maybe, but there was no point in that. She was sure she looked like a woman conquered, thoroughly pleasured, but all she felt was defeated.

Seth was sitting on Ryan's desk chair, a look of horror and regret etched on the lines of his face. Summer felt a pang in her stomach, she pushed it down deep where everything else she refused to talk about was buried. He hadn't spoken. At least she could say she had, for once, rendered him speechless.

"I need to go," she said, her voice barely above a whisper. She knelt down, her eyes snapped open and her hand jutted out, slapping Seth hard, he wasn't expecting it and neither had she. He grabbed his cheek, his mouth opening but no sound coming out. Summer's palm stung from the impact, she flexed her hand. "I love you," she said, "I love you and I came here to do what I had to and now I'm done."

She kissed him then, softly, on the forehead. Her eyes turned, focussed on Ryan, blurred by her tears. "Take care of him." She unsteadily straightened out, her legs weak, and refusing to turn around, walked out the door.

Summer wished Seth looked at her the way he looked at Ryan....but even she knew that was being naive.

Her professor had been right, ignorance was bliss.

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end.