Disclaimer: I own nothing here. Seriously. Harry Potter stuff belongs to J.K. Rowling and Lord of the Rings belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien. And their respective publishers, moviemakers, etc………I make no money from this. I make money from walking dogs in muddy fields. Seriously.
**
Snape paced back and forth alone, or so he thought, in the glades of Lothlorien. That old man in the mirror! That man! Who was he? Why do I recognise him? Argh! This madcap world is driving me crazy! Why am I still here? Why can't I leave? Why hasn't Dumbledore done SOMETHING? I can't stand being around those hairy-footed imbeciles! And Weasley is driving me up the wall, why can't he just tell Granger that he likes her? I mean, I know it must be an embarrassment liking her, but come on; it's not the end of the world! Then again, she's been acting so sluttish recently I suppose it would be hard for the poor boy to say anything, being up against all that competition…Oh dear goodness! I think I'm going soft! I think I'm actually feeling sympathy! That's not good. Snape thought for a moment on how to reclaim his lack of softness that people had grown accustomed to. AHA! I'll TELL Granger about Weasley! Perfect. That kills two birds with one stone – first bird being revenging my slight feeling of sympathy for Ron by being nasty to him. Second bird – making his feelings known to Granger! Brilliant. I'm a genius, Snape grinned to himself.
"Severus?"
Snape turned round and saw Galadriel staring up into his face. Ooooo, thought Snape, ever so hobbit-like again, she just gets prettier by the minute! I must find out what she's taking for that…
"…Yes…?" he replied.
"You know," Galadriel blushed, "My mirror told me that I'd meet a tall, dark, handsome stranger today…"
Snape grinned.
**
MEANWHILE, back in Dumbledore's office, Voldemort sat in a lovely little black suit opposite Dumbledore reading The Book for the first time. Voldemort raised a thin, shaped eyebrow and said,
"Severus Snape? Tall…Yes. Dark…Yes. Handsome?" Voldemort looked to Dumbledore, "We…*are* talking about the same Severus Snape, right?"
Dumbledore smiled and shrugged as he tickled Fawkes under his chin,
"Each one to their own, Voldie."
Voldemort shut the book, gave a slight smile and said slowly,
"Albus, there are some sick, sick minded people in this world. But this…well, there's sick and there's *sick*. I mean, you would know…"
Voldemort glanced over to the Sorting Hat suddenly, which had a brand new pink ribbon tied around it. Dumbledore sat up in his chair and said unhappily,
"What I do in my spare time is my own business."
"Ye-es…"
"Hah! Surely you haven't forgotten your ~own~ little 'escapade' the other summer?"
Voldemort and Dumbledore looked at each other in silence. The silence went on for several, deep-thinking-wish-I-could-forget minutes. Both men coughed uncomfortably at the exact same time, and Dumbledore picked up a file with the words – Voldemort's 7-year Contract, written on it.
"Anyway, the reason why I brought you here was to discuss this. Now, I know we agreed that this year you could take Harry out on the Quidditch pitch during the Slytherin/Gryffindor match on the…" Dumbledore checked his notes, "On the 15th March. But we all feel that perhaps we should wait until next year – Harry is suffering severe mental problems from being out-shined by his seemingly uninteresting sidekicks and most hated Professor. Not a pleasant thing to have happen to the boy."
Voldemort nodded, "Too true, too true."
"So," Dumbledore continued, "In light of these problems, we all agree that we don't think Harry would put up a good enough fight for the readers – in fact it's highly likely he would kill himself before you even got a chance to have a little fun."
Voldemort waved his hand dismissively,
"No sweat Albus! I'm fine with that – I've just bought a new beach house in the Caribbean, so a few ladiezzz and me are heading out there this weekend. You know, being an evil bad guy really does wonders for your sex life! Now I understand why the Mafia get such hot babes," Voldemort paused for a second, for the sole purpose of comic timing, then said, "…They've all got big guns."
Voldemort winked and gave out a dirty laugh as Dumbledore chuckled at the could-be-taken-in-a-sexual-way joke. The Author giggled quietly in the background so they didn't hear her. After a few moments of breath catching, Dumbledore smiled happily and said,
"So I'll pencil you in for the NEXT spring term then?"
"Sure thing." Voldemort and Dumbledore shook hands.
"Great doing business with you Albus."
**
Ron walked happily along the little stone path into a lovely little clearing in the woods of Lothlorien. He started to whistle to himself. Oh sure, so he didn't have Hermione – so what? He wasn't going to let that get him down. Oh, thought Ron, who am I trying to fool? Of course it's getting me down! And now that bugger of a man Snape knows! He'll ruin everything, he always does! Looking up from the ground, Ron thought to himself, speak of the devil…and he appears!
Snape was across on the other side of the clearing with Galadriel.
"Oh, Severus! You're so dark and mysterious!"
Galadriel said wide-eyed. Snape nodded, sighing,
"I know, I know."
"Oh! Screw my marriage to Celeborn! You're the man for me Severus!"
Snape grinned, then grabbed Galadriel into his arms and kissed her passionately as cheesy elf love music played in the background.
Ron watched what he was seeing and felt his heart having an arrest in his chest. He suddenly turned and ran from the clearing screaming,
"Ewwwwwwww! Sick! Gross! That's just…just…WRONG! I NEED a SHOWERRRRRRRRR!"
(Ron would like the Author to include that he was mentally scarred for life after seeing this scene. He had nightmares every night about Snape lips running after him. It was disturbing.)
**
Everyone in the Great Hall sat with his or her jaws wide open and touching the floor in a mixture of horror/disgust/disbelief over what The Book had just recorded their Potions Master doing. Several of the girls cried. At the teachers table Professor McGonagall, Madam Hooch and Professor Trelawney (who had actually come out of her tower) all stood up. Then, in unison, they all swooned in a chorus of "Oh Severus!"
This prompted everyone in the Great Hall to close their mouths and instead give the three teachers strange looks. Except the several crying girls, who had fainted in a chorus of "Oh Professor!"
**
The Fellowshippers (minus Gandalf the Murdered (…or is he?)) all received wondrous gifts from Galadriel. Well, wondrous is such a strong word…
Ron received a little metal tin from Galadriel. And it had a tear in it. One of her tears. Yeah, thought Ron sarcastically, like a tear is going to help me any. What a great gift, gosh, I'm *so* pleased with it. Oh well, I suppose I can't always get cool presents. Wait, I never *do* get cool presents. Ron huffed to himself; I've lost count of the number of woolly jumpers with the letter 'R' on them that I've received over the years…
Hermione received a small Elfish/English dictionary. Ohhh, this is so interesting! That Galadriel really knows how to give out good gifts…but how did she know I liked books and languages? AHA! Perhaps Strider told her that I was interested in the elfish language! So, he DOES love me! I knew it! He's just to afraid to admit it… not to worry, once I learn my elfish words for, "Hey gorgeous, what's a guy like yourself doing in a place like this?" I'll have him at my disposal! Hermione sighed, oh Strider…
Snape had avoided Galadriel after their *brief* meeting in the woods. But she had caught up with him as they were boarding the boats to leave Lothlorien and she had given him a gift. A necklace. Oh goody, thought Snape rolling his eyes, just the accessory I need! Like she couldn't have given me something better, such as a weapon? But the world is cruel to me, as always, and I was given a necklace. Snape peered at the little jewel hanging from the chain, it was green and silver…and curled into a little 'S'…
**
As they were about to set sail, Galadriel ran up to Snape and said tearfully,
"Severus! When will I see you again?"
Snape sighed and patted her on her hand,
"I'm sorry Galadriel, I just don't think a long-distance relationship would work."
And you gave me a bleeding necklace, thought Snape, I mean, what were you trying to do? Completely rob me of *all* my dignity?!
The boats drifted on down the steam and for a strange twisted reason, (ie. Some sort of temporal flux in the world of books) the Author, Professor McGonagall, Madam Hooch, Professor Trelawney and several female Hogwarts students appeared on the shore. These new, momentary arrivals and Galadriel sang to the Fellowshippers as they left…
"I lost my heart to a Slytherin rogue
To his dark eyes and his dark robes
I lost my heart to a Slytherin rogue
My heart was open………yet his was closed"
Then all broke down into tears, and the Author, Professor McGonagall, Madam Hooch, Professor Trelawney and the several female Hogwarts students disappeared and went back to where they were meant to be, with broken hearts.
**
A/N: This is the point where I plead for your reviews of this story, lol. ^_^ Please review?
Thank you's:
(Was meant to say thankies to Clare and the anonymous reviewer in Chapter 11 but it was 4am and I was completely zonked and left them out! Sorry! Thank you!!!)
Zardiphillian Beryllix – I know, I had to have a storming off somewhere! I just can't believe I haven't had him do it at all in 10 chapters!
Sasery – Why don't you love me literally :(? Joking! Hehe.
Gaz – Mwahahahahaaaaa! I have you caught reading a Harry Potter (minus Harry) fic! Hehe, I'll make you love Snape yet, my dear!
~*Ali Marie*~ - The main focus will be kept on Snape, Hermione and Ron, cos that's what I wanted to do when I started this! Don't worry :)