A/N: Yay. I'm happy ^_^ lots of reviews!
Disclaimer: I own nothing! Nothing, nothing, nothing. And I get no money from this. Ok, well, Harry Potter stuff = J.K.Rowling's and her publishers/moviemakers/copyright holders… Lord of the Rings = J.R.R. Tolkien's and his publishers/moviemakers/copyright holders…
**
Snape watched as Nameless Orc number two and his band of merry goons were pointing his wand at random trees and shaking it violently. This action, of course, angered the wand into shooting out jets of white light – thus blowing up anything hit. Snape cringed each time he saw trees being thrown up into the air by the force of the blast then falling to the ground in flames.
"Excuse me? Yes? Hello?"
Snape tapped the shoulder of a scrawny nearby orc and with a restraining smile continued,
"You know I really despise the killing of living things."
The orc, who Snape christened Small Orc with No Brains from that moment on, grinned stupidly and cracked the whip he held,
"Really."
Snape nodded,
"Really. Well," Snape shrugged, "Unless of course, it's *me* doing the killing…"
With those words Snape brought out a large rock from behind his back and hit Small Orc with No Brains in the face with it with as much strength as he could. Merry and Pippin ran over tugging the ropes that bound their wrists off, and throwing them to the ground. Snape looked at Pippin, with the sort of look he'd give Neville if he had to admit Neville had done something right (which so far Neville never had, therefore this look was still in experimental stages to Snape), and said slowly,
"It seems that for once you've managed to have a bright and sensible idea, Mr.Took, and I congratulate you on that achievement. Perhaps… perhaps points are in order?"
"Points?"
"Ye-es…I think…10 points to…Slytherin."
Merry and Pippin let out a quick ooooo then turned and ran as they saw orcs coming towards them, swords raised menacingly. Snape shouted after the two hobbits,
"Wait! Wait you idiots! I need to get my wand first!"
Snape turned and faced the gang of orcs, who were now giving Small Orc with No Brains prods with sticks to check for life signs. His voice wavering slightly, Snape said,
"Ha, a-ha…um, let me explain…"
But Snape had no time to explain, for suddenly horsemen came riding violently into the clearing and began to slay the orcs. Nameless Orc number two raised Snape's wand, but our Snape is no fool, and he took the opportunity to jump on the orcs back and try to wrestle the wand off him. In the process, of course, the wand became extremely irritated.
A couple of minutes later Pippin ran into the clearing, ducking and diving under swords and picked up a little white rabbit and Snape's wand. Pippin then ran back into the forest.
The little white rabbit started biting Pippin's hand in rage.
**
From an alley somewhere in Hogsmeade, an owl flew out from a bin looking important and carrying a letter…
Dear Harry,
Ok, I have no idea how to reply a letter that simply read: "Snuffles – precioussss was taken. I wants it back. Harry."
I suppose firstly I could tell you that your grammar has gone dramatically downhill since your last letter. Secondly, what is precious? And why? Who took it? Why do you want it back? And why is the Daily Prophet reporting that Salazar Slytherin had a secret fetish for bunnies? What *is* going on at Hogwarts?
I can't wait until your next letter – because I'm a nosey bugger and have a sneaky suspicion that Snape is someway involved. Therefore, it is my duty to find out what he is up to and make him look like an arsewipe. So, in light of my nosiness/hate for Snape I have made my way down to Hogsmeade. I'm hiding out in a garbage can as usual. I'll find you once I've spoken to Dumbledore. If, of course, he hasn't gone mad.
Sirius
P.s. Could we quit with the Snuffles thing? From now on call me Rocky. Or Tyson. Or Mason. Ripper? Shredder? Killer? Anything! Just something a little more threatening. I'm fed up as being known as the dog that could only kill by drowning its victims in a puddle of dog drool. It's bad for my street cred.
**
Pippin and Merry sat on a log and stared down at the little white rabbit. Which was hopping around in circles. Pippin blinked,
"Sevvie? Um."
The rabbit turned and looked at Pippin with its red eyes. Pippin waved the wand around. Nothing happened. Merry sighed,
"Give it here, Pip! I'll figure it out."
Merry began to point the wand viciously at the rabbit saying random words in a vain attempt to look in control and smarter than Pippin. Nothing happened. Pippin and Merry bit their lips, dropped Snape's wand and walked a few meters away to have a private conversation. The little white rabbit hopped over to the wand and began to chew on it.
"How do we fix it Merry? How do we get Sevvie back?"
Pippin's eyes were filled with tears as he spoke. Merry shrugged, and said thoughtfully,
"Pip, it seems to me that perhaps with Sev as a rabbit we could get a lot more done. All he does is shout. And glare. And mock."
From behind them, Snape said,
"I rather think that I have a cause to 'Shout. Glare. Mock.'" Snape paused and smirked, "Tell me, Mr. Brandybuck, have you ever had to lower yourself to travelling around with two absurd little creatures, whose two (very small) brains put together could just manage to figure out how to peel a *banana* on their own?"
Snape tucked his wand away in his robes, after giving it a very good clean. (Lord only knows *what* orcs actually have in their trouser area, he thought into himself) Then with a sneer, he continued,
"Because if you had intellect, and you did indeed *have* to do that, Mr. Brandybuck, you would also find it extremely hard to go no further than to simply, 'Shout. Glare. Mock.'"
Snape watched as the two hobbits squirmed under his glare. He knew they knew that was a hidden threat. And to be perfectly honest, thought Snape, I hope they have trouble falling asleep tonight due to me. Because right now Snape felt like a champagne bottle whose cork was about to pop.
"Sevvie…"
The cork popped.
Pippin started to speak then clasped his mouth shut when Snape suddenly yelled, spitting as he did so,
"My name is *not* SEVVIE! Nor is it SEV! Or any other abbreviations on the name Severus, for that matter! And before you ask, NO, you may not even call me Severus! Only my friends may call me Severus! And in this dratted land I have no friends! There is not one person in this whole world I would call a friend! All of you are CRAZY! INSANE! YOU – HAVE - PROBLEMS!"
Snape was now bright red and on taking a deep breath he let himself calm down. Pippin blinked and Merry oooooed under his breath. Snape whispered quietly,
"You…may…call…me…Professor."
Then he walked on ahead of the hobbits, cursing Middle-Earth as he did so.
After a couple of minutes of contemplative walking, Pippin turned to Merry and said blankly,
"What's a banana?"
**
Fred and George sat huddled together behind a particularly big statue in a corridor somewhere in the quieter part of Hogwarts. They had managed to out-run and hide from everybody for the last couple of days; Dobby had been supplying them with their food – for they didn't dare show their faces in the Great Hall. Staff and pupils alike were baying for their blood. Well, they'd *settle* for the twin's blood seeing as the two hadn't coughed up any of the money they owed them. See, the problem with Fred and George was they *took* people's money and then they *spent* people's money.
In the process of course they had invented a new sweet (but not the sort of sweet you'd give your elderly Grandmother who was on heart tablets). Unfortunately for the twins, no one was willing to take a bag of these new sweets (with undesirable effects) as compensation for not receiving their winnings. And it was for this reason that the twins now found themselves caught up in the middle of a modern day witch-hunt. Them, unsurprisingly, being the witches. Or wizards.
"So. What's the plan?"
Fred asked quietly.
"Well." George thought for a moment, "The plan is to stay here. For a *very* long time."
From beside them and slightly nearer to the ground than them, they heard a loud meowing. Mrs. Norris looked up at the twins. Fred began to hit his head off the wall in frustration as George said,
"I think we should make a run for it."
From the darkness of the corridor a harsh and greasy voice said,
"Oh, you're going nowhere."
Filch grinned.
**
Snape looked around him. He was stuck in the middle of a dank, dreary and dark forest with two hobbits that seemed to have eternal joy.
"What a depressing place."
Snape sighed aloud to himself. From behind him and, quite frankly, several meters above him, a loud, booming voice sounded out,
"HRRR – HUMMM! Think the forest depressing do you…?"
**
A/N: I figured an update on Fred and George was needed – I left them sorta stranded in Chapter 10 wondering if they should run to Australia! And I had to bring in Sirius at some point! In my mind, this fic isn't just about what's happening to the three in Middle-Earth (though obviously it's the main part of the fic) but also the other characters reactions to them being there. So, yeah, that's an explanation as to why I'm trying to tie everyone in lol. Any suggestions for Hogwarts/Middle-Earth? If yaz want, email me at oogieboogiesboys@hotmail.com ^_^!
Phoenix 101 – Don't worry about Ron! I'm fed up of fic's where the poor lamb has his girlfriends stolen lol. Mine won't end up like that. Thanks for reviewing :)
Jaws – Mixing these two stories is v.hard lol. Trying to keep *basically* to the LOTRs story is v.hard (cos there is so much of it)! There is what happened to Snape ^_^ well…more will happen to him obviously…lol. Thanks for all your reviews!
Jencraw – Ooooo the palantir! That's gonna be a hard scene to write…!
Silver*Chime – Aww! I am having a ball! I hope you have a great time in Italy! (Your scene has not been forgotten about ^_^)
Digitaru – Squirrel's are evil! I wouldn't put it past Sauron to use them as spies…
Mandy Snape – Hermione will one day realise Ron exists. Just… being a little lust-driven over Strider it will take her a while lol.
Zardiphillian Beryllix – ARGH shame for the Tolkien joke teehee! Thank you for your review^_^!