Disclaimer: I own nothing! I'm not materialistic! Um, yes, J.K.Rowling + her publishers/moviemakers/copyright holders (obviously) own Harry Potter stuff. J.R.R.Tolkien + his publishers/moviemakers/copyright holders own Lord of the Ring's stuff.

**

Ron kicked the ground in anger. What was surprising about this anger though, is that it was not due to his undying love for Hermione and the fact she was throwing herself at everybody but him. No, he was angry because of a certain incident that occurred a few minutes ago – when he was, once again, made the outcast and made to look like an idiot. It wasn't fair, back at home he was the sidekick no one really cared about but here; at least, he could've made a good impression. But he hadn't. He had just ended up being as out-casted and side-kicky and alone. Again.

Anyway, it had all started when that bleeder, Strider, pointed in that annoying manner of his – ie, valiantly, and shouted,

"Forth the three hunters!"

Which had struck Ron as a rather odd thing to shout, seeing as there were five people. (Or persons of human-like qualities if you didn't want to sound racist towards the Dwarves and the Elves. And they, thought Ron, were two species you did *not* want to bugger off.) So Ron pointed out to Strider that there were five of them, in a bid to look intelligent in front of Hermione. And he did, for a brief second. Until Strider explained he meant Forth the Three Peoples in Unity and Peace, fighting for Justice and Freedom Hand in Hand, Together as One… and lots of other annoying clichés like that. It was the kind of dribble Ron heard whenever Hogwarts held elections for potential House committee members. Of course, Hermione had literally lost her senses to Striders words and said that Strider was right, obviously, and the Ron should use his brain.

Use his brain?

USE HIS BRAIN?

He was DAMN well using his brain and he knew it. It wasn't his problem that no one else saw the illogical argument behind Strider's sugarcoated politician propaganda ideals. Using my *brain*, thought Ron, it would be logical to say Forth the Five Hunters! And not only because there were five of them. But also because if Strider was going to call in a question of social groupings, then Hermione and Ron should *technically* get a mention.

In Ron's mind it was simple – Hermione is a woman, and therefore she represents women everywhere (A/N : Damn straight!). And if it *had* to be called into question, Ron supposed he was representing all redheads out there, who never get enough mention anywhere! (A/N : You tell them!)

But Ron didn't get the chance to explain his logic, and thus redeem himself in the eyes of Hermione, for they had just walked into a clearing.

Full of dead men, ashes and scattered orc armour.

**

Snape stared up at the man-like face sitting a-top of the green and brown body.

"Hoo – HRUM, now, what have we got here?"

"Um." Snape stared even more at the thing. Pippin and Merry stood forward smiling. Snape pushed them back slightly, feeling it was his sort of duty to protect them from anything. Plus, if the time came and he needed to make a run for it he needed them to throw in front of any on-coming enemy to keep them busy a few extra minutes before they would go after him. He is all heart, our Snape is.

"What are you? Who are you?" Snape said forcefully. Pippin nudged Snape. Snape turned and hissed 'What!' at him. Pippin whispered back,

"And remember to ask him if he has any food! Merry and I are starving!"

Snape growled slightly, then turned back to the tree-like thing. It replied to Snape's words in a thoughtful tone,

"Hmm now. What am I? What am I? Well, I am an Ent. Or so they call me, for I could be something different altogether but no, they call me an Ent. Hrum…perhaps THE Ent. Yes, I am THE Ent in your manner of speaking. Yes."

Snape blinked. That didn't answer my question very well! What on Middle-Earth is a bloody Ent?

"But what's your NAME? What do you call yourself? How should we address you?" Merry asked happily.

Snape rolled his eyes and muttered "Beware of immature nicknames" under his breath.

"Name, now? Well, that's a different matter altogether. I am Fangorn to some, but Treebeard to others. To you I am Treebeard. Hmm, yes, Treebeard, that will do now. But come tell me, come now, this is *my* country. What are *you*? For I do not know who you are, let me see, you are not mentioned anywhere in my old lists. Hrum now, shall I sing?"

Snape shouted 'NO' before he could hold his tongue in politeness. Treebeard looked slightly hurt, then said,

"Hoo, hrum. And what are you? Come before me dressed for a funeral, calling my beautiful lands depressing? Man, you look like, but you are not altogether man are you? No, no. There is something else in your blood…what is it now?"

Snape scowled. His blood was as pure as the sunlight. Well, as pure as the Snape family bloodline could get.

"I am a wizard where a come from."

"Hmm – hum. Wizard? Ey? I know wizards, yes, I know wizards. But what wizard are you? Are you akin to one or the other? Hmm, hum now. Your face is very familiar, but I have never met you. Hrum, come now! What are you? You come dressed in black, and you have dark eyes. Unkind? Spiteful? What are you?"

Snape looked around him for some support. He had absolutely no idea what Treebeard was talking about. One or the other? What are you? Snape mimicked Treebeard in thought angrily. I am a wizard, and I should damn well like to think he'd show me a bit more respect. The stupid tree. Or Ent. Irritated, Snape replied to Treebeard's ramblings,

"If you are referring to what I am, as in a species, I am a man," Snape paused, and then said quickly, "A wizard mind, not a muggle. Yet, you began to refer to what I am in the context of 'unkind, spiteful.' If now you are questioning my personality then I cannot tell you. I do not make rash assumptions of how I am perceived by the outside world. And if my personality is to be called into question, I should like to know a lot more about you first before I indulge you with that information."

There was silence for a couple of seconds. Then Treebeard let out a hearty laugh,

"Now, now! I see you mean no harm. You are hasty in directing your anger and speaking your mind, but I do not see harm in you. Hmm, no, no, you are deeper than I think you realise, but for now I shall take you on how I perceive you, but trust is not yet on offer to you, hmm, wizard. But I will watch for you, hrum now, I will watch." 

Treebeard stared at Snape thoughtfully for a minute or two, then turned his attentions to the Hobbits, who were all to glad to hear Treebeard's song.

**

"Slain?!" Hermione screeched, "All of them? But…But what about Snape and the Hobbits?"

Ron backed away slightly, worried that her head may explode in an unpleasant way,

"Um. Well, that's the thing. We can't be sure what happened. There's just a old of ashes, where the orc bodies were burned."

Hermione's face flushed with a sudden realisation,

"No, no…they got away."

"'Mione, it really doesn't look that way…"

"No. They did get away. I have *read* this book before, or had you forgotten that?"

"Yeah…but with Snape there, who knows what went wrong? He has a habit for pissing people off."

"I think that if it came down to the crunch, Snape would put saving his own ass over pissing off anybody."

"Perhaps."

Ron smiled uncertainly then walked away from Hermione. Hermione sat down and began to think.

**

Sirius stared at Dumbledore. Sirius then roared with laughter. After several seconds of the laughter, he began hitting Dumbledore's table with his fists in violent fits of…well, laughter. Dumbledore sat patiently and let the laughter run its course. And Sirius' laughter needed a very long racetrack to run on.

"So," Sirius paused to take a very deep breath to regain his composure, "So. So…you're trying to tell me, that Snape is IN this book? Oh, MAN! That is brilliant! Why did Jamie J, Moon-boy, Rat-arse and I never come up with that idea? Harry!"

Sirius turned to Harry, who was in a far corner sitting on the floor cuddling his knees to his chest, rocking back and forth. He glanced up when Sirius talked to him.

"Harry!" Repeated Sirius, "Did you have a part in all this? I tell you, this is like THE prank of the century…I mean, what if Snape dies or something? Oh my God! I've had an idea!"

Dumbledore rolled his eyes and thought to himself, here we go again! Sirius moved in closer to Dumbledore and said excitedly,

"Do you think we could *write* in the book?"

"What do you mean?" Dumbledore asked.

"Write! Pick up a quill and WRITE in the book!"

"No!" Dumbledore snapped and took the book from Sirius, "If I know your mind, Sirius Black, you'd start writing horrific Snape death scenes everywhere."

Sirius shrugged in agreement – for that would be exactly what he would write. From his corner, Harry began to speak,

"Preciousss! We wantsss it! Yes, we does, doesn't we?"

"Ah." Sirius raised an eyebrow at Harry, "Using the royal 'we' now, ey Harry?"

Dumbledore cleared his throat,

"Not exactly. Harry has snapped. Completely. He's gone loony! Won't speak any sense. And all he eats is raw fish."

"Ooooo that *cannot* be good for his digestive system."

"It's not!"

"Oh."

The two men turned and looked at Harry. Harry was eyeing The Book with a crazed look to his eye. Well, he would be wouldn't he? The thing was driving him mad. He had to get in. He HAD to get into the damn book. The God of Irrepressible Vengeful Thoughts and Insanity had *promised* him that he would send Harry into the book. Yesss, thought Harry, we're going to get in there. Then we'll be famous again, won't we! And everybody will love the boy who lived! Everybody will praise usss…adore usss, precious…and maybe even sleep with usss! A little voice in Harry's mind suddenly muttered, 'Don't push your luck Harry!' Ok, fair enough, thought Harry, I suppose we can't make miracles happen, can we precious?

Hey!

Wait a minute!

Why the hell wouldn't anybody sleep with me?

**

The God of Irrepressible Vengeful Thoughts and Insanity watched from the shadows as Harry chewed on an old fish bone. So, he wants to go into the book does he? He wants to be famous again? The famous Harry Potter, the boy who lived. Pah, thought the God as he grinned evilly, this was going to be all too easy.

**

A/N: Hello ^_^! I'm still writing this. Which is crazy in my mind. Lol. Yes, um, anyway, if you have any suggestions email me at oogieboogiesboys@hotmail.com (For either Hogwarts/Middle-Earth).

Updates are getting a little slower due to school starting soon/me actually trying to plan a serious-ish fic. I'm not giving up on this yet, lol, cos I have the last chapter written already.