AN: Argh sorry for lack of updates. School = nasty and evil and grrr. Also I'm trying to work on a serious fic…A Snape one (surprisingly) so look for that in the coming weeks…I'm hoping it'll be good.

Disclaimer: I do NOT own Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings; they belong to J.K.Rowling and J.R.R.Tolkien respectively. And whoever else has the their hands in the copyright pools. Don't sue me. Or I may cry.

**

Snape shifted uncomfortably. He had been listening to the Ents talk for what seemed like hours now. This could probably be explained due to the fact that he had been listening to them for hours – but still, it felt like an extremely long time to Snape. What he just couldn't grasp out of everything that he had heard from Treebeard was all this business about the Ent-Wives. Treebeard had sung a wholly depressing song about the loss of them and how they may one day return…or something. Snape had never really been able to figure out romantic songs, but he was sure that was the general plot line. Treebeard had even sung the high-pitched parts that were meant to be sung by the Ent-Wives. It was quite impressive and ever so amusing to see a huge tree-like man with a deep voice belt out several verses in soprano. It was possibly the greatest sight that Snape had ever seen.

Oh, straight after the time that Dumbledore had got his beard stuck in an automatic pencil-sharpener when they had visited a muggle-shop. *That* was definitely the greatest sight Snape had ever seen. 

Anyway, Ent-Wives. Yes, he found the whole business rather confusing. I mean, thought Snape, how the hell could they have lost a bunch of trees?

Apparently they could lose them quite easily. This ickle bit of information did not fill Snape with the greatest confidence. I mean, if they had lost all the females in their species, how on earth did they propose to storm Isengard and over-throw Saruman? It was all very well that they were tall and strong and could squish you under their foot, but this was Isengard they were talking about. From what Snape had heard, it was very impressive and heavily fortified. What did they plan to do? Shatter every brain and window with their deafening and over-the-top impressions of the wives that they had managed to *lose*?

Snape's train of thought was suddenly de-railed by a loud "HRRRRRRUM" from the Ents, who were several metres away through the trees. Or what Snape assumed were trees. He had become paranoid of the plants since he'd met Treebeard…

"Ho, come now, come now, that indeed was strange."

Treebeard walked over to the hobbits and Snape. After a few minutes silence, Snape bit the bait,

"What was strange?"

Treebeard rubbed his chin,

"Hum, the decision to advance to Isengard was decided on very quickly indeed. Very unusual."

"So we go to Isengard then?" Snape asked. Snape was beginning to worry about this ever so slightly. He was on the good side. It wasn't even as if he was being sneaky and spying for the good side. He was just blatantly on the side of the good guys. It was quite the new sensation. But this Saruman, he was another wizard. Snape reached into his pocket and held on to his wand like a baby would a blanket. What if Snape had to fight? Treebeard had certainly mentioned that Snape's skill would come in handy, but what was that supposed to mean? Were they going to send Snape into the tower armed with a wand and hair that had grown an inch overnight?

Snape stopped and thought about his hair for a second. It was funny – his hair had never really grown before, in the sense that it was rather lifeless. It knew what length Snape wanted it to be and it stayed that length through one way or another. But today he had been looking at himself in a puddle, and his hair had definitely grown. Not only grown, but seemed altogether much more healthy. It was beginning to lose its grease.

From out of no-where, a great dramatic chord sounded.

How un-nerving, thought Snape, as he took a swig from a flask of the drink Treebeard had provided them with a couple of nights ago.

**

Sirius bit his quill thoughtfully. Then he stopped, because the feather was tickling his nose. He knew he had to do something with this book. He wasn't about to give up his only opportunity to laugh at Snape without Snape ever knowing. It had to be something good. But not too big. Something small. Comical. Sirius mused for a few seconds, but had to stop when Harry came skulking into the room.

"Hey Harry."

Sirius said to the tattered boy. Harry smiled sickly,

"Sits on Siriussses table, doesn't it? Yes, my precious, it does."

Sirius stared blankly at Harry for a minute, then cleared his throat,

"Yes, well anyway. Moving on…" Sirius glanced at Harry shifted his chair a couple of feet away from him, "Harry, give me an idea! I need to do something to Snape!"

Harry's eyes rolled wildly.

"Snape! Snape! It hates usss! We hates it!"

Sirius nodded,

"We had rather established that."

"Hmmm, precious has an idea, doesn't we? Yes, yessss, very… good… idea…" Harry's fingers were curling and un-curling slowly. Sirius stared uncertainly at Harry. There was definitely something different about the boy since he had last seen him. Maybe he had had his hair cut? No, that isn't it, thought Sirius. Perhaps he had put on a bit of weight? No, if anything he's lost it…Sirius rubbed his chin. There was something strangely sinister about Harry. Oh well, thought Sirius, I'm sure it's just a phase he's going through.

"An idea?" Sirius asked Harry, who was now jumping up and down.

"Write in Harry! Write in boy who lived! We hatessss Snape, don't we precious? Write in Harry and Snape will be mad! Mad, mad, mad! Yes, he will be, won't he, my precious?"

Blinking slowly, Sirius watched as Harry grabbed The Book. Write in Harry? Well, thought Sirius, I guess Snape does hate Harry ever so slightly. Or ever so much. I suppose… I suppose I *could* write in Harry, but… Sirius was torn. He had morals. Of a sort. And it *would* anger Snape immensely, but Sirius had rather had something else in mind. Sirius shrugged, oh well, I suppose I can always write more in The Book later.

"Alright Harry."

Sirius opened The Book at a random page and began to write…

**

Harry opened his eyes. It was dark. Harry checked that his eyelids were in fact open. They were. It was just dark. He could hear something, a sort of hissing.

"Who's there my precioussss?"

Asked a voice through the darkness. Harry crawled forward and replied with,

"Precious? Precioussss?"

A creature came out of the shadows and shouted,

"Eek! What isss it my precious? Is it a nasty little BAGGINSSSESSSS? Nasssty little creature, gollum, nasty little hobbitsssesss!"

Harry stared at the creature and whispered,

"Not Bagginsssesss, no, no, my precious, not Baggins!"

**

Sirius looked at The Book and set his quill down.

"Oops."

Sirius whistled innocently as he changed into his dog form. Then he ran. He'd just sent Harry to Mordor. And Harry had just made friends with Gollum. Well, this should turn out to be rather interesting, thought Sirius, even if slightly disturbing and offbeat.

**

Snape stared up at the tower that the Ents were planning on smashing. It was an incredibly good tower, as far as towers go, thought Snape. Then again, he wasn't exactly an expert on the matter, but the whole menacing threat of the looming building gave the illusion that yes, it was a good tower. Shaking himself, Snape tried to think rationally.

Ok, Serverus Snape. This is Isengard. That is the Tower of Orthanc. There is a wizard in there. You have to fight him.

But why?

Because that's how the story goes. Or that's how it goes now that you're here.

Ah.

Snape was beginning to wonder if he was going mad. Treebeard set Snape and the hobbits down on the ground at the entrance to the tower, and they watched as other Ents advanced to squish orcs and knock down bricks. Treebeard looked down at Snape,

"Hrum, now you prove your worth!"

"Excuse me?" Snape said coldly, "Please tell me I'm not just fighting this wizard just so I look OK in your eyes."

Treebeard scratched his head,

"Hum, yes, yes, that would be the case."

Sighing exasperatingly, Snape walked up to the great doors of Orthanc and (very dramatically because that's how these things go) with a swish of his wand the doors opened slowly, letting light spread throughout the entrance hall.

As the doors closed behind him, Snape started off with the immortal words,

"Erm, Hello? Is anybody home?"

**

Dumbledore slapped his forehead in frustration and said to The Book,

"Serverus, that is *not* what you say in the face of the enemy."

**

Well, isn't this jolly. Snape had been wandering for the last few minutes in dim light, unable to find anybody. Perhaps no one *was* home?

Yeah, Serverus. Like that's going to happen.

Shut up.

Snape shook his head. He was really going to have to stop having conversations with himself. Straight ahead, Snape saw a door that was slightly ajar, and a crack of white light was pouring through into the hallway. Ah. There we are, thought Snape as he rolled up his sleeves. Quietly Snape tip-toed up to the door and peered around the corner.

No one was there.

"Well," Snape whispered angrily aloud to himself, "Isn't that a big anti-climax."

From behind him a smooth, silky voice – not unlike his own, said,

"Or…perhaps not."

**

AN: Hope I left you on a bit of a cliff-hanger there…lol! I shall update as quickly as I physically can, but it could be next weekend before another chapter! I'll try to get it up sooner, but I'm *very* bogged down with schoolwork at the moment. Please email me if you have any ideas for this, whether you have one for Hogwarts/Middle-Earth at oogieboogiesboys@hotmail.com.

Oh, and especially if any of you Sirius fans have an idea for a prank on Snape! But nothing too harsh or big lol I don't wanna be *too* nasty to him ^_^

Pink Devil – Yah, got the slut thing from it – should've mentioned that – soz! If ever another pops into your head, please write it^_^!

Mandy Snape – It took AGES to come up with the squash thing…lol hope it worked! Thank you oh devoted reader *bows*

Anonymous – Thanks!

Arwena – There are MANY possibilities heh heh…thanks for MSTs+AU info!

Digitaru – Lol! Thanks for reviewing! Squash is a sport, played in a closed room where the ball bounces off a wall (or something) I don't actually play it, I just know of it^_^

Elwen Rhiannon – Here we are…Orthanc! I can't wait to see Sev's reaction to Gandalf myself, and I'm writing this! Lol!

Clare – Hehehe, I would laugh at Ron's metaphor too!

Sasery – Thanks for the explanation and the review!

Jaws – I LOVE SNAPE! I'm not humouring you…and I hope no one is humouring me lol!

Youngest Knight – Lol, glad you like the fic! Dun go ruining your carpet though! I dun wanna have to buy you a new one because of damage!