AN: Does anybody else want to become Prime Minister and ban school ^_^?

Disclaimer: J.K.Rowling owns all Harry Potter stuff here (along with anyone else who has their hands on the HP copyrights). J.R.R.Tolkien owns all the Lord of the Rings stuff (along with anyone else who has their hands on the LOTRs copyrights). I also don't own the line "How do you catch a moonbeam in your hand" – that belongs to whoever owns the Sound of Music copyrights. But I don't know who that is. Pretty obviously though, it isn't me. So leave me alone and don't sue.

When Snape was first told he would have to battle with an 'evil' wizard, instinct told him to run. It was that simple 'fight or flight' instinct he'd been taught on that rare occasion when Hogwarts did normal educational subjects such as Maths, English and Science (Ask a wizard to turn a frog into a piña colada – you'll get three. Ask a wizard to multiply 7 by 7 and they'll stare at you blankly for hours.) In biology he had learned about this instinct. And before he had entered Orthanc, it had sprung into action – he wanted to get as far away from there as he physically could. I mean, Snape would be the first in line to say he excelled at wizard duelling – but somehow he'd come to realise that the magic in Middle-Earth was quite different to the magic he was used to. And the fact that this wizard had a massive orc army didn't exactly inspire him. He had had a bad experience with regards to orcs. One that he still remembered all those years later, when he was an old man in a rocking chair…

Anyway, Snape now sat in Orthanc bemused and baffled. Both these words meaning the same thing, he figured he was confused squared (another mathematical term he had learned on that rare educational occasion). For one of the first times in Snape's life he was left completely in the dark. He had expected flames and fire and torture and gruelling physical trials. Perhaps being knighted in the end for his heroic deeds. What he did not expect, however, was to be sitting down in comfy chairs opposite a (multi-coloured) robed wizard being offered tea and crumpets. On that thought, Snape looked over his shoulder nervously, in case an indoor croquet set was going to be wheeled in as a further…um, harrowing ordeal?

"And anyway, that is how Gandalf once again escaped my inescapable fortress and clutches." Saruman waved his hand sadly and took a little sip of his tea (Snape made a mental note that his pinkie was sticking out as he did so.) Snape blinked.

"Really? How…" Snape thought for a minute. For politeness' sake, he was going to say interesting. But it really wasn't. Then he thought about saying fascinating. But, again, it really wasn't. In the end, he concluded that he should just say what he would say to anyone else.

"How can your fortress and clutches be inescapable if people have escaped?" asked Snape sarcastically. Saruman's eyes narrowed and mimicked Snape's tone,

"How do you catch a moonbeam in your hand? How the hell should I know? All I know is that Gandalf escaped, being the b*st*rd he is and rejected my very fine offer." Saruman set his cup and saucer down, "Incidentally, have you ever considered joining the other side? We have a great pension scheme, and a wonderful life insurance policy. Being on the bad side does have the rather annoying problem of a short life span, often ending in a sudden, violent and bloody death. But with our Isengard Family Friendly ™ life insurance you can rest safely in your, possibly many, graves knowing your family is being well provided for."

Snape raised an eyebrow.

"I don't have a family. And I've dabbled in the other side before. I always find that their insurance polices have extremely irritating and wholly de-moralising small print. So, no thank you, I'd rather not."

Saruman glared at Snape. Suddenly the tea party wasn't going as well as it had been, Snape noted, as Tension pardoned itself upon entering the room and settled above the wizards' heads. Snape figured he'd done the wrong thing in rejecting Saruman's 'very fine offer'. In a bid to get back into Saruman's good books before the man turned on him with the evil looking staff in the corner (it must be related to Gandalf's thought Snape, as he edged ever so slightly away from its intimidating stare) he suddenly blurted out,

"I killed Gandalf."

"What?"

Snape sighed; he had thought that the three words in that order were pretty self-explanatory. Obviously not. Slowly and angrily he repeated himself,

"I…killed…Gandalf."

Saruman stood up. Snape stood up to match his height, not liking to be looked down upon. Saruman scratched his head,

"When?"

"A while back. In some mines. We went in there after a lot of snow got in places it really shouldn't have gotten into."

"Oh. Well in that case, he's not dead."

"What?" Snape asked in a high-pitched voice.

"He's not dead. I saw him only last week. Well. Not physically. Through a…device I have in my possession."

Snape's forehead wrinkled in rage and confusion, ignoring Saruman's big hint about a certain device that he had in his possession,

"But I saw him fall! I saw the evil prick fall to his eventual death! There was no way he could have survived! I saw him fall! For God's sake I was the one who KICKED him down the damn mines!"

Saruman nodded in sympathy. He felt Snape's pain; Gandalf was a slippery eel when it came to evading death. Snape clenched his fists and thought - this isn't fair! Why is life always having a laugh at my expense?

***

Ron sat slumped outside the gates of Edoras, with his head in his hands and feeling mighty stupid. If there was one thing he'd learnt over his relatively short life it was that you do not declare your undying, never-ending and passionate love to a girl by calling them a squash ball. And even if you do, you do not call her a slut. Unfortunately for Ron, he learnt this after he had called Hermione a slut and a squash ball. She seemed pretty impressed at first, I mean it wasn't often that Ron came up with a rather creative way of explaining something. Then it had slowly sunk in, he supposed, for she suddenly turned on him in a wild rage of 'How dare you call me that you…!'

Although he had noticed, when he dared lift his head, that she was taking less of an interest in Strider and Legolas. Perhaps all was not lost? Perhaps secretly deep down inside the heart of Hermione Granger Part-time Woman and Full-time Know-it-all she had feelings for Ron Weasley Part-time Little boy and Full-time Idiot)?

"Ron!"

Hermione was standing above him, looking impatient. Ron pulled himself up and said,

"Hello."

Hermione ignored the hello and said quickly,

"Come on, we're going in."

***

The hall was large. And decorate. At the other end from the small party of broken up Fellowshippers sat an old man. Well, he wasn't as old as he looked. But that's what happens to your skin when you don't moisturise regularly. There were several short and sharp sentences said between the man (name of Théoden - he's a king) and Gandalf. These sentences are of no real consequence because everybody knows that he'll go along with Gandalf in the end.

"Aha! Gríma Wormtongue!"

Gandalf said dramatically and pointed at the pale man sitting next to Théoden. Ron and Hermione gasped, as is to be expected of them whenever a dramatic incident crops up. Ron blinked and pointed at the man,

"Oh my God! How the hell did Peter Pettigrew get into Middle-Earth?"

Hermione rolled her eyes at Ron's blatant stupidity and hissed,

"Note Gandalf said WormTONGUE not WormTAIL. Please Ron, refrain from saying anything if you do not think it through first. Oh, and another thing, he looks NOTHING like that rat Peter Pettigrew. Use your eyes."

Ron huffed and tended to his wounds. That Hermione had a sharp tongue on her when she wanted to.

Later on at a random dinner table, Ron spent his time staring at Hermione while she was eating - until she kicked him under the table. She still hadn't admitted to him that she was flattered that he liked her. Well, she could have if she'd wanted to. It was just, if she did, she'd have to admit to have liked being called a squash ball, and she really didn't. Hermione poked at her food and thought,

By that, was Ron implying that he thinks I'm round?

Does that mean he thinks I'm fat?!

Hermione poked her tummy with a worried look on her face. The last thing she needed was the paranoia of having put on weight. How was she going to get Strider then? Arwen was a twig!

***

The God of Irrepressible Vengeful Thoughts and Insanity watched happily as Harry and Gollum were catching fish. He had promised Harry revenge, and his Godfathers mind was easy enough to manipulate into writing him in. All that had been left for the God to do was to make sure Harry ended up in Mordor. Oh, what a simple, simple job that had been…

***

Snape paced up and down Saruman's study, occasionally stopping at the window to look outside to see Treebeard and his friends crush orcs. This made him feel slightly happier – even if only for a second.

This isn't right, thought Snape, this is not going the way I had planned it. Gandalf can't be alive. Gandalf is meant to be dead.

And another thing, who to follow? Gandalf the Annoying Un-dead or this Wizard Who Makes Good Tea?

Snape had a sudden mental flashback at the name of Gandalf, remembering how much he had wanted to run around with a hop-skippity-hop and crunch 'n' munch on carrots. Snape shuddered, then turned to Saruman,

"Excuse me?"

Saruman looked up from his Delia Smith cookbook,

"Yes?"

"You still haven't told me your name."

Saruman closed his book and stood up, for he loved this bit,

"I am…SARUMAN OF MANY COLOURS!"

With those words he flung his arms wide open to reveal his multi-coloured robes in their full glory. It made him look rather like a parachute with a head on the top. Snape blinked. And not just because of the dazzling brightness of those damned rainbow colours. No, he knew that name 'Saruman' from somewhere. But where? Oh well, he supposed it didn't really matter.

"Oh." Snape said blankly, as Saruman let his arms droop due to the lack of enthusiasm on Snapes part. Snape continued, "I've always preferred black myself."

***

Snape sighed, for he had finally made up his mind. It was definitely the flaring multi-coloured robe that had tipped his decision over who to follow in the direction of Gandalf. He turned to Saruman, who was now filing his well-manicured nails, and pulled out his wand,

"Saruman?" Snape said coldly, "Good-bye."

On those words, Snape's wand flew out of his hand and hit the wall on the far side of the room. Snape cursed under his breath, he knew he should have just blasted Saruman instead of bothering with dramatics. Saruman tutted and threw Snape to the ground, raising his staff high above his head. Snape had to think. He had to think fast. So he yelled,

"Father! It's me!"

Saruman stopped and stared at Snape's confused face, as even Snape was surprised with what he had just come up with. Saruman blinked,

"I'm your father?"

"You could be." Snape said trying to gain a few extra seconds to grab a handy piece of lead piping that rested a couple of feet away from his right hand. Snape had no idea why lead piping was in Saruman's study, but knew that it was something to do with Fate. Being kind. For once. Snape continued with a hint of soap opera sarcasm,

"I mean, no one ever knew who my father was. He disappeared the day I was born. It was tragic."

Saruman sniffed sadly then turned to get a tissue from his desk. As he did this Snape stood up quietly, grasping the lead piping firmly. He then brought this round in a full-force swing to whack Saruman on the back of the head. Saruman fell to the ground with a loud thump and an 'Ow.'

Snape dusted his robes off with a slight cough, pride welling up inside him. It wasn't often Snape fought evil wizards off with only his bare hands. Oh and lead piping – but Snape decided he sounded much more brave without the addition of the weapon.

Of course, when he heard Saruman mutter angrily "Ohhh me head…" he forgot all about his pride, grabbed his wand and Saruman's staff and got the hell out of there.

***

AN: I have literally been slaving over this chapter. Sorry to keep you all waiting. I hope it was worth it o_O

Jaws – Mad = fun lol. Joke on Sirius? I like that idea! And the slash idea had me laughing, I think you may be onto a winner!

adnama_blake @ hotmail.com – Lol, thanks for the review! Healthy hair and Snape – it's the stuff of nightmares!

Charlotte Black – Omg, thanks for adding me to your Fav Authors list ^_^

Jencraw – Glad you liked the water! I was hoping people would pick up on that lol

Elwen Rhiannon – I wasn't going to have Snape and Saruman having a conversation, but your review made me decide to write one. Hope you like it! The palantir will have a part, believe me ^_^

Anonymous – Hope another ditty does come soon lol :P

Sasery – Avoiding ff.net? Yes, is it just me or are they like killing off half the storiesO_O?!?!

I've been going through a writer's block period, but I think I'm back into the swing of things now. Please email at oogieboogiesboys@hotmail.com with any ideas/comments/if you just want to chat.

Also if anyone has any fics they've written that they'd like me to read or whatever, I'd be glad to ^_^!!! I love to read!

Please leave a review, I'd really appreciate it.