A/N: Those of you who have been reading for a while may have noticed (or not) that I've replaced previous chapters. I think the story layout looks better now. May I also add in a word of thanks to 'Jaws' for the idea that develops in this and the next chapter.

Disclaimer: Harry Potter and all his little friends and world do not belong to me. It belongs to JK Rowling and whoever has their hands in the copyright pool. All Lord of the Rings stuff belongs to JRR Tolkien and whoever has their hands in the copyright pool. If any of these things did belong to me, do you really think I'd be sitting here writing fanfiction and walking dogs for my cash?!

**

Harry sat and stared at the hobbit he'd come to know as Sam. Sam, who still had no idea what the strange boy that had appeared out of nowhere with Gollum two nights ago was called, stared back at him. Harry by all accounts was a simple boy. This personality trait could be seen throughout several events in his life; such as not figuring out he was a famous wizard. Or not realising that the best thing to do around Snape is to keep your mouth shut. Or at least don't talk about how evil you think he is out in the open. Snape has a finely tuned ear, and often you will find a shadow engulfing you as soon as you let his name pass your lips. Harry was now not only a simple boy, but also a simple boy driven mad by the success and fame of his friends. But he was neither mad nor simple enough to believe that for the last two days he'd been hallucinating wildly and had created a whole new country out of nowhere – without the aid of illegal substances. Harry had figured out two things during his deep thinking last night. One being that he was no longer in Hogwarts. This he was OK with, as that was his plan. But, what he had not planned on was to be cut off from Ron and Hermione and to be left stranded in Mordor with an unlikely hero with the same melodramatic and depressing fate as himself. The second thing he had figured out had got him into quite a rage. He realised that - for the first time that he could ever remember - his name wasn't in the title of the story.

Sam scratched his head as he watched the messy-haired boy scowl at nothing in particular. Having found a scrap of bravery, he picked up a nearby stick. He then proceeded to poke the messy-haired boy. Harry suddenly snapped at Sam, then squealed,

"OW! It hurts us! Nasssty hobbit! Nasty!"

From a couple of feet away Gollum burbled happily to himself and clapped his hands. He'd found a friend.

**

Sirius grinned insanely as he watched Remus' face crinkle up in slight confusion but overall laughter at the book he was holding in his hands. Standing up, Sirius asked eagerly,

"Well? What do you think?"

Remus mused over what to say. His words had to be chosen carefully in order to reflect his feelings exactly.

"It's frigging brilliant."

Sirius nodded in agreement. Now came the hard task of what on earth to do with Snape, for the plan to send Harry to annoy Snape had backfired in a most obvious way. Sirius had the vague feeling that Harry ending up in Mordor wasn't entirely by accident – for he was almost positive that the book had been in the middle of writing about Snape shouting angrily at a hobbit called Pippin. But who was Sirius to question the weird ways of how literature worked?

The two of them had been sitting up all night thinking about a simple, effective and totally hilarious prank to play on Snape. In memory of James, of course. They had thought about having a laugh with bunnies, but the wizard called Gandalf, who Remus and Sirius both now worshipped as the Almighty Taker of the Piss (out of Snape), had already done this. Admiration from the two men was hard to gain, but Gandalf had gained it. The next obvious prank was to involve Snape and the colour pink in some obscurely funny way but, of course, this had been done many times before and will probably be done many times again in the future. And although neither of the men would ever admit it, Snape did suit the colour – so there was no point in trying to use it against him.

No, the prank that the two men were going for had to be the prank of the century. Bigger than the prank of the century. It had to be funny, it had to be good, and most importantly, it had to be something that would really, really infuriate Snape. For there was nothing funnier than seeing a pale man turn purple in a homicidal rage.

Except possibly that time that James got stuck trying to clamber over a barbed wire fence. That was funny. James had walked with a painful limp for weeks afterwards.

And so the two men had rattled their brains. And they had fought down all their morals, beating them violently with very big metal poles. For once morals were out of the way, the possibilities for pranks were outrageously big. If you hadn't figured it out already, all morals were beaten to a bloody pulp on the night that the 'funny prank' that almost got Snape killed (during his time as a student at Hogwarts) was thought up. Anyway, after a lot of "What about…no…" and "Oh but maybe…nah…" had been thrown around, Remus scratched his chin thoughtfully and said,

"Remember when we were so convinced that Snape was gay?"

"What do you mean, 'were'? He is! No question about it." Sirius replied bluntly.

"Oh. Are you sure?"

"Yes! Of course I am! Remus, don't tell me you've lost faith in the Snape Likes Men club!"

"I haven't! I just think, well, isn't that club a little childish?"

The look Sirius gave Remus at that point in time was enough to persuade Remus that no, the club was not childish. Sirius cleared his throat,

"Anyway, why did you bring that up?"

"I don't know, I was just thinking…well, Snape doesn't much like Gandalf, does he?"

"No."

"Well, what if," Remus looked at Sirius with a special glint in his eye, the kind that only people who know that what they're about to say is the greatest thing that has ever been said has, and continued,

"What if Snape was to…like Gandalf?"

"Come again?"

Remus repeated himself carefully placing the emphasis on different words,

"I said, what if Snape was to like Gandalf."

Sirius thought for a second, and Remus widened his eyes in waiting for him to catch on.

"Oh dear God."

Sirius said suddenly with a pinch of joyful hysteria in his voice and then ran for The Book.

They say that the course of true love never does run smoothly. The same principle can be applied to pranks.

Especially when you've just beaten your own morals senseless.

***

Snape ran as fast as one physically can when wearing long, flowing black robes. His mother had always warned him not to let style to get in the way of plain common sense. Of course, she had also claimed to be a teabag, so Snape never listened to any of her advice. But he realised as he ran, fervently trying not to trip over the black cloth, that perhaps his mother had more sense in her than he had previously thought. He just wished that he had realised it before now. Flinging himself out of Orthanc's huge doors he collapsed into a tired heap. Treebeard hmmmed at Snape thoughtfully.

"What? What have I done wrong? I bloody well knocked the man out, didn't I?"

Snape shouted angrily, and then threw Saruman's staff at Treebeard,

"Look! I even got the staff!"

Treebeard nodded and picked it up,

"Yes, hrum, you did, you did. But tell me, what happens to the sheep if the shepherd leaves the gate open?"

Snape blinked, then raised one eyebrow asking,

"Eh…what?"

"Hmm, wizard, if the gate was left open by the shepherd, what would the sheep do?"

"What? How the hell should I know? Do I look like a sheep farmer to you?"

From beside him Pippin giggled as Merry whispered,

"Well, now that you come to mention it…"

Snape clenched his fists, and then glared at Treebeard. In turn, Treebeard sighed,

"The sheep would be free to leave."

"Great. Thank you for that, I'm sure that that piece of information has enlightened my life and touched my heart forever." Snape said, giving Treebeard a withering smile.

"It seems to me, wizard, hmm, that your capacity for basic common sense has momentarily left you," Treebeard pointed out - in a rather mother-like way thought Snape – then added,

"I am trying to ask you, hrum now, how do you propose to keep Saruman in that tower?"

"Well…Your lot are here aren't they?"

"Hum, come now, that may be, but we cannot control the birds in flight that could be under Saruman's control, waiting in readiness for a situation such as this. The wizard may not have his staff, but he still has means."

Snape studied Treebeard's face carefully, knowing full well that Treebeard didn't trust him. He probably thinks I plan on helping him thought Snape. Well, if he thinks I'm going help a man who feels comfortable wearing such a stupid looking cloak then he's got another think coming.

Pulling out his wand, Snape shouted to everyone,

"Stand back!"

(Although this was more for the effect of drama, rather than through any worry of danger to nearby persons.) With a murmur of an incantation, white flashes of light were produced from Snape's wand, which proceeded to run up the tower creating a ripple effect throughout each stone in the wall. Treebeard looked slightly amazed.

"Hrum, wizard, what was that?"

"A little binding spell. Well, not little, quite a big and powerful one actually."

On those words Snape could hear shouting coming from a window several metres above his head.

"Ah! What a clever wizard you are. I'm impressed. I didn't think you would quite manage to get past me, let alone get to the point of being able to bind me to my own home."

Snape looked up, it was coming from Saruman.

"I like to surprise people." Snape replied coolly.

"Yes, you do rather, don't you? I can tell you I was surprised by being hit around the hit with lead piping."

Snape said nothing in reply to this comment, embarrassed that the assembled company surrounding him now knew that he didn't take out Saruman with his bare hands. Saruman continued,

"You know, I enjoyed your company? I really thought that we might be on the same wavelength. I can tell that you want what I want, and that your powers could have got it."

Snape blinked and thought, was that a compliment?

"And," Saruman paused, then said silkily, "If I was your father I would have been proud of how you outsmarted me."

Snape was getting confused, because your prisoner was not meant to be nice to you and make you feel guilty. In fact Saruman's words were making him want to take the spell off Orthanc.

"But wizard…"

Snape looked up again to hear the rest of what Saruman had to say,

"You have not beaten me in one area. For I still have the advantage of height."

"Height? Why should that matter? Your staff is with me and you are trapped in your own cage."

"Oh it matters, for unlike you, I am able to do something like this…"

Snape squinted and looked closely at the window to see what Saruman was talking about. A weedy looking man (i.e. Wormtongue, who is not to be confused with Wormtail) came to the window and screamed,

"AHA! Take that!"

Then Wormtongue threw something out the window.

The last thing Snape saw was a round stone flying towards him. After that, there were just a lot of cartoon stars flying around his head.

***

A/N : Thanks awfully much to : Charlotte Black, Little-Hobbit, Mandy Snape, Sasery, Digitaru, Elwen Rhiannon (Snape used magic ^_^) Lady Jay Grey, Raven AB, Jaws, Sarahduck9, Tigerlily.