COMMENTARY
MorningStar: Yay for Holli! She finished chapter! First Limey goodness . .. heheheh, very good. By the way Kill Bill VOl. 2 is great and recommended! Thas about it. DAMN MURAKI!!!
Holli: Uhhh...this took forever to write. A combination of reasons. 1) My new school semester is really busy, and still getting worse as it's getting close to the end 2) Fanart contests I was participating in, hee hee and 3) I was getting to more of the sexual part of Tsuzuki and Hisoka's relationship...which I have never written about in my life, except in rpgs MorningStar and I have played. So, ha ha ha, yep.
Enjoy! It's not over yet!
BuddhaFrog: N/A
SWEETEST VIBRATIONS Chapter Six: Not Fragile
Written by Holli. Editing by MorningStar.
(WARNINGS: R to NC-17 for LIME! Hot and dirty kind!; Tsuzuki x Hisoka; angst. Painful, get-over-it kind of angst!)
It's never easy to watch your most loved one suffer.
Tsuzuki cringed as he tried to stack his paperwork straight. With a sigh, he slipped on a paper clip, set it down, closed his eyes and leaned back in his chair, pushing the chair back on its hind legs with his feet. As his arms dangled unused on either side, he stared at the ceiling.
'What now?'
His thoughts were not about the paperwork, but about his partner.
Hisoka had gone to get their lunch, leaving Tsuzuki to try to catch up with his paperwork that his younger partner couldn't help him with since it required his signatures. Finally finishing the huge pile, there was nothing left to do except to wait for his partner to return. The next papers were new investigation papers that required them both to do the summaries. Tsuzuki knew he could get started, but rather not. As unpleasant, or rather as uneasy, as his apparently not job-related thoughts were, they were still ones he needed to reflect on.
Tsuzuki rolled many thoughts through his mind. Hisoka was an enigma of weakness and strength. He was intelligent and strong when it came to emotions, due to his need to control his empathy. But his body was one that hadn't quite reached full maturity. Although his body was strong, it was also lithe and skinny, and prone to fainting. And while Hisoka did understand his emotions and could face his own problems, he preferred not to sometimes and was often confused by them.
It is true that he would always be afraid of Muraki on an instinctual, subconscious level (and who wouldn't be? Especially with the nature of the doctor's assault and murder brought down upon Hisoka), but he certainly wasn't utterly terrified of the man, even if he was caught off guard by him during their encounters.
Tsuzuki knew that he would have been terrified if he had ever encountered someone who had tried to kill him like that in the most vicious and disgusting of ways, but Hisoka had not been afraid. He is . . . truly strong, and had overcome a great amount of his ordeal.
Tsuzuki winced and leaned over his desk. 'So . . . back to his original, aggravating thought: what now?' Ever since their confessions to each other, and that morning Tsuzuki had rescued Hisoka from his nightmares, their relationship had advanced in a way, but had also tried to revert to what it was before; Tsuzuki pouted at realizing they hadn't even hugged each other since that last morning, much less kiss or anything else intimate. And that had been almost a month ago.
But, he didn't want to scare Hisoka away . . . he knew he couldn't pussyfoot around him anymore either . . . Hisoka had convinced him of his worth. He most certainly wasn't afraid of them being together. He smiled. He now knew it was all right to exist . . . but old convictions are hard to discard. The shinigami grimaced wistfully. How would he ever know how far he could go in their relationship without hurting Hisoka? When a loving gaze was too overwhelming, or a gentle touch held too long?
"Baaaka."
Tsuzuki jumped at the voice of his younger partner, who handed him his take- out Chinese food. "How long were you standing there?"
"Long enough to be reminded how truly stupid you are sometimes. I caught a few bits of your moronic thoughts." Tsuzuki frowned, but perked up as he saw a very rare, but small smile appear on Hisoka's face briefly. "Thank you. But I'm not that fragile. Tsuzuki, you haven't scared me with your stupidity before, so how would anything you do now make a difference? I can tell you if I don't approve of something . . . geez, you dummy."
Tsuzuki didn't know exactly what to think of those remarks, but immediately cheered up anyway. He didn't know what it was about Hisoka, but whenever he told Tsuzuki anything, Tsuzuki believed him . . . was convinced and reassured, no matter if Hisoka could truly know any better than him or not. Somehow . . . it coming from him was all he ever needed.
Tsuzuki grinned at being reminded of his newfound happiness with Hisoka.
'It's called love, eh? It was always there . . . but now it doesn't have to be denied.'
Tsuzuki frowned at noticing for his 4 containers of Chinese, Hisoka only had a small one of lo mein, but he smiled at seeing him actually eat it. With a bit of elegance that Hisoka never noticed of himself, Hisoka efficiently and quickly ate his food as he started looking over their next pile of paperwork.
Tsuzuki smiled. It was nice viewing Hisoka's routines. He knew that after the boy ate and briefly looked at the papers, he'd take the rest of the break to read. If he was lucky, he'd get to see Hisoka accidentally doze off in his chair as he read. He always let him sleep longer than their break, pissing off Hisoka, but he was just too cute when he slept . . . he always breathed softly . . . gentle rising in his chest, barely holding on to his book. Tsuzuki would work on their papers then, but would always stop to admire his partner, his hair gently resting around his face, sometimes tickling his nose, which he would brush away in his sleep. The evenings were always best, the sun hitting Hisoka's hair and making it appear even more golden than what his light brown hair was.
He wished he could cuddle with his partner. Of course, the teen wouldn't want to do such a thing (pride and embarrassment) but Tsuzuki knew if he could convince him to, all the trouble to accomplish it would be entirely worth it. It was almost like convincing a cat to let you pet it . . . if it would just relax and trust you just a little bit more for just a moment.
Being around with Hisoka anytime . . . being able to watch him and feel safe . . . it was the best thing in the world.
Hisoka peered up from his lo mein, wondering why the hell his partner was staring at him instead of eating. Even with his empathy and Tsuzuki's strong emotions, he didn't always catch everything. He cursed at himself as he felt himself blush, realizing he had noodles sticking out of his mouth. He knew he had to look stupid. As he reddened and slurped the noodles in, Tsuzuki's smile started to grow bigger and he closed his eyes in happiness.
"What's your problem, moron?"
"Nothing. You're just so cute, Hisoka."
Hisoka reddened even more. Why did that comment make him feel so weird? Really! He'd already kissed the man . . . more than once too . . . but it was always embarrassing, no matter what, to have attention like that; nice attention and admiration. Hisoka just wasn't use to it, and worse yet, they were still at work in the office!
"Don't call me that!"
Tsuzuki didn't reply but just continued to smile. He laughed and gave Hisoka an answer that he knew he would most certainly do the opposite of.
"Okay . . . if you say so!"
Hisoka looked away from the brunet and grimaced at the floor. 'Damn him. It never was much of a fight for me to come to care for him like this . . . was it? To not actually mind his love . . . .'
The teenager blushed even more, but quickly pushed his precarious thoughts to the back of his mind. "We need to finish these summaries, Tsuzuki."
Tsuzuki laughed. "I know, I know. But after the break, okay?"
Hisoka frowned and finished his lo mein. He picked up his book and started reading as he sipped at his bottle of plum tea. He looked up at Tsuzuki and gave him a disapproving little frown.
"Wake me up if I fall asleep, damn it."
Tsuzuki face broke into a wide grin.
"No problem."
Hisoka felt himself getting mad . . . but he wasn't really, was he?
"And Tsuzuki?"
"Yeah?"
"I'm not cute when I sleep either."
Tsuzuki sweat dropped. Just how much had Hisoka been able to pick up on his emotions? He never knew what would leak through to the teen. But then he chuckled.
"You can't change the truth, Hisoka."
Hisoka ignored that last comment and went back to reading.
Days like this made Tsuzuki glad that he was alive (in a matter of speaking). Ever since their last big discussion and reassurances to each other, Hisoka and he had spent a little more time together outside of work. They had done so before, but now it was even a little bit more . . . just enough to be noticeable by those who knew them really well. They went out to eat more often, spent time talking about absolutely nothing until ungodly hours, and even played games (usually shogi or igo, even though Tsuzuki usually didn't like having to concentrate on such things to play a game; it felt too much like taking a test to him).
But, the best part of it all was that he knew he was wanted and needed. Their conversations weren't serious very often, and Tsuzuki knew it was because of hesitance on both their parts; so much had been straightened out, but there was still a lot left untouched. It was now a bit more about . . . emotions . . . the feel of it all now . . . not what needed to be said.
They were walking back to Hisoka's house, Tsuzuki slightly behind his younger partner. The golden light that played off Hisoka's hair in the early evening hours reminded Tsuzuki of the night they had finally confessed to each other. He smiled warmly, as Hisoka continued to walk his calm, collective stride. The older shinigami let out a deep breath of air that wasn't quite a sigh. Truly, this was the best of moments. They hadn't planned on anything tonight, but that didn't matter. A whole lot of nothing was fine by Tsuzuki.
He smirked. Instead of shogi or igo this evening, they could play Hide-and- Seek. Also tag . . . because all the games they played just seemed too . . . 'grown-up' to Tsuzuki. Boring and sad . . . he thought for sure that Hisoka would like to play something else . . . since his childhood had been as bad as his own. At least Tsuzuki had been exposed to the outside . . . but Hisoka's childhood had been one of absolute isolation.
He laughed at the thought of tackling Hisoka while playing tag or some other running game. Meanwhile the teenager stopped, turned around and glared at him, a slight touch of scarlet on his face, that was hard to notice in the evening light. "Quit being stupid, Tsuzuki." He turned back around and continued his walk where he left off, like nothing happened, even with his embarrassment apparent.
Tsuzuki stood there for a second, but then chuckled. He had to remember not to be so strong with his thoughts around Hisoka. He always forgot, just about every single time he was around him and was excited. He just liked those kinds of games. Roughhousing was the best kind of play, in Tsuzuki's opinion. Why would Hisoka blush at the thought of just some friendly romp-time?
On opposite ends of a small kitchen table, Hisoka watched Tsuzuki finish off the last of the daifuku mochi he had brought out for dessert to finish off their meal. Tsuzuki momentarily peered up from his snack, smiled at Hisoka warmly, not noticing the flour on his nose from the treat, and then went back to demolishing the white rice cakes without mercy.
Hisoka sighed. The sigh was of affection, but also a bit of exasperation. Tsuzuki was such a little kid . . . it was kind of aggravating how so many considered this . . . baka . . . more of an adult than himself. But, Tsuzuki was serious when it mattered; the teen had to admit to himself. Hisoka winced at realizing that acting more mature and having a seemingly more mature mind didn't make him more of the adult necessarily . . . especially after some of the really dumb mistakes he had made in some of their investigations, that had been utterly teenage and rebellious in attitude. At least most of Tsuzuki's mistakes were because of miscalculations and misunderstandings, not because of brash actions. But, it's not that Tsuzuki didn't screw up that way too.
The teenager blinked as he noticed that Tsuzuki had finished his dessert, and was sitting contently, smiling at him. He felt his heart race . . . and the most miniscule of blushes tinted his face.
'I love you.'
Hisoka blushed at remembering their confessions to each other, in what seemed to be a small eternity ago. Lovers. Not brotherly love. No mercy cases or pity parties. One sweet kiss after another that lingered ever so long . . . but since that time . . . after that intense confession and the following morning, their relationship had advanced . . . yet it hadn't.
The feeling that had surged through him when he had touched Tsuzuki . . . he longed to touch his . . . lover . . . again. His lips, his face . . . to gently brush his fingertips over bared chest and back, and to feel those hands of his love on his own flesh . . . .
The teen felt himself redden even more, and knew it was his fault for having such thoughts. It made his heart quicken . . . and his stomach tighten. He clutched the front of his shirt, and stared at his slipper covered feet resting on the floor . . . a nervousness rushed over him.
"Hisoka?"
The young man came to his senses and snapped his head up to stare at Tsuzuki. "Are you okay?"
"Y-yeah. Never better."
Tsuzuki stood up and tentatively and carefully walked over to his partner, letting a hand rest gently on his shoulder. "Are you sure?"
Hisoka continued to stare at him. For once . . . he was not going to deny himself . . . his emotions.
"No."
Tsuzuki was concerned by that answer, and lowered himself to Hisoka's eye level and tried to look into the eyes of the young man. His eyes appeared closed, but were actually open, looking towards the floor. He honestly didn't know what to do . . . he had no idea what thoughts could be racing through his mind. But, before he could ask Hisoka if he was all right once again, the boy spoke up.
"I don't know what to do anymore. And you don't either. I can see that. I'm not stupid. I think I've told you that more than once."
Tsuzuki let his arms relax and lay crossed over Hisoka's knees as he knelt and Hisoka remained seated in his chair, intent on listening to whatever the younger shinigami needed to say. To be frank, he was worried. After all their hardships, misunderstandings and conflicts, was the teenager having second thoughts about them being a couple? Tsuzuki felt the bottom of his stomach give out. He didn't ever want to be alone again . . . please not that . . . please . . . !
"MORON! That's not it!"
Tsuzuki winced and then slowly and sheepishly looked back up at Hisoka. The youth's eyes were tearing up just slightly, but his face showed frustrated anger more than anything else.
"I-I . . . we-we're suppose to be lovers, like you said, right? Shouldn't . . . we . . . move forward?" Hisoka breathed out, shouting as he started, and almost whispering as he finished.
"W-what do you mean?" Tsuzuki felt his heart race.
"Listen, I-I've never had a relationship before . . . an intimate . . . physical relationship. I have no idea-well I do-but not really, I mean . . . ."
Hisoka stopped trying to talk and tightly clutched his bangs in his hands, the strands running between his fingers and poking in odd directions, as if to emphasize his frustration even more. This situation was beyond aggravation.
He was strong. He could beat his past horrors. But . . . somewhere in there, in his mind . . . and his body . . . he truly felt defiled . . . jaded . . . dirty.
"Hisoka. I know. Don't worry."
Hisoka looked with appreciation towards Tsuzuki, but then his frustration quickly reappeared, and he quickly stood up.
"But, that's no excuse! It's been way too long . . . we've waited too long to move forward and make something of our relationship! I . . . what do you want, Tsuzuki?"
The brunet peered up at Hisoka and smiled warmly. "Anything to make you happy. I'm fine the way it is now, even if it has to remain that way."
The young shinigami let out an exasperated sigh, and a smile appeared on his face. But it seemed rather bitter, as a tear rolled down his cheek. "I knew you'd say that."
"H-Hisoka – what have I done? I'm sorry!"
"BAKA! You should be! But . . . you shouldn't be either! I know you want what I want . . . but I don't know what that is either. So, please . . . . We both . . . need to take some risk."
Hisoka warmly held Tsuzuki's face and planted a gentle kiss on his lips. Tsuzuki sighed and closed his eyes. It has been so long since he had felt that flesh against his own. "Tsuzuki . . . I love you. But I also want what you want too. Please, for once, tell me what you want . . . what you need. I want to take care of you! You may be selfless as you sacrifice yourself for my sake, but it's a needless sacrifice! I can handle what you want, I want to! When you do everything just for my sake . . . there's a different kind of selfishness in that too . . . and it hurts me."
Tsuzuki gaped at Hisoka, and then grimaced. Both of them thought too much for the sake of the other. He hugged Hisoka tightly to his chest. He snuggled Hisoka close, enjoying his scent, and his heart started to race. He could feel Hisoka's was also.
"I . . . I don't want to make you angry, but I truly want what you want. Hisoka, I know you're a steady person I can always rely on and love. But . . . and I know you're past shouldn't be held in account if you don't want me to . . . but please."
"We . . . we aren't ever going to get past this at this rate." Hisoka sighed. "I . . . just. Let me kiss you. There. T-that's what I want from you right now . . . it's a . . . start." The boy peered up at Tsuzuki, his face flushed red, a glimmer of lust barely hidden in his eyes.
"O-okay."
Tsuzuki dipped down and gently touched his lips to those soft lips, hugging the young man close, as Hisoka stretched up to meet him halfway. Those lips pressed together, caressed and parted. Hisoka twitched, as he stood back down.
"Hisoka?"
Hisoka reached up again with a quick snap, and pulled and pushed Tsuzuki down onto the floor with a resounding thud. Tsuzuki let out a surprised yelp as he landed on his butt, but Hisoka soon resumed his kissing of the older man, as he knelt between his legs, ran his hands through Tsuzuki's hair, pressing his tongue forward to gain entrance to Tsuzuki's mouth.
Tsuzuki cautiously ran his hands over Hisoka's back and soon felt himself immersed in the feel and smell of his loved one all around him. As Hisoka finally knelt back with his hands gripping Tsuzuki's knees, he looked at his lover and found himself flustered in desire and breathless . . . unconsciously licking his lips. It took him a moment, but he finally found his voice.
"Tsuzu . . . ki." He rasped out.
The older shinigami swallowed hard as he looked across at the teen. That lustful utterance of his name . . . it had definitely had aroused him even more. Hisoka's face was flustered but lustful, his voice shaky but seductive. His expression wore a look of determination, mustering its way through scarcely concealed fear. There was simply no one word to describe Hisoka's disheveled but controlled appearance right then.
The green eyed boy's breathing did not settle, but only increased. In almost a demand, he spoke to Tsuzuki. "I touched you. Now . . . you touch me."
Carefully, Tsuzuki pushed himself up on his hands and sat up. He gazed deeply into Hisoka's eyes . . . he had lost himself so long ago in those verdant eyes.
There was to be no more questions . . . no more hesitations. They could no longer be afraid of each other . . . or be afraid for each other.
Tsuzuki softly, but boldly pushed Hisoka's bangs out of his eyes. He leant forward and gently held Hisoka's face, and kissed his forehead. Once. Twice. And it continued, until he was kissing him deeply, mouth to mouth.
Hisoka felt his face redden, as his pulse increased even more than before. His hands felt heated as his nerves continued to wrack his senses. He was so utterly immersed in these warm, if frightening, emotions that surged through his body.
Tsuzuki left Hisoka's mouth, kissing the corner of those lips, and down the side of his chin. He leaned forward and pressed his lips to Hisoka's neck, and trailed downward, leaving a slightly moist hint of his path as he reached the collarbone. That shirt. It was in the way.
Hisoka gasped at feeling such pressure on his skin. He squirmed and flailed at such touching . . . it was weird—but somehow nice. He felt his shirt starting to inch up. He peered down at Tsuzuki and felt his head spin at seeing the lips of his desire on his stomach, and moving up.
The teen felt the silkiness of Tsuzuki's hair on his stomach and between his fingers as he clutched. He heard a loud throaty moan. Had that been him? Tsuzuki looked up at Hisoka and smiled at the noise, and Hisoka felt himself blush. Couldn't he have more control? But . . . how long had he waited for this?
About then, Hisoka noticed how hard and cold the kitchen floor was.
"Tsuzuki."
"Mm."
"Tsuzuki."
"Mmmmm . . . ."
"TSUZUKI!!!"
"Y-YES??!!"
Tsuzuki had snapped up his head from its place on Hisoka's mid-torso and looked up at the teenager, scared that he had done something wrong. Hisoka knew he was probably very flushed and acting deadly serious, but he couldn't help it, given the situation. He swallowed and spoke softly. "Can't we move . . . umm . . . to somewhere else?"
The older shinigami smiled warmly. "Right. This isn't exactly the best place . . . ."
"W-well, I did knock you over . . . ."
Tsuzuki grinned. This sweetly innocent aggression Hisoka had . . . it was very alluring. Tsuzuki stood up, and offered a helping hand. Hisoka refused it and walked towards the bedroom. Tsuzuki didn't know what to think of that for a moment. But his face broke out in a smile. Some things would never change . . . but this is what he loved about Hisoka.
Even though both of them were still very flustered, especially Hisoka, the boy managed to turn around with a mock-angry look on his face, and his hands on his hips. "Don't stare at me all day!"
Tsuzuki bounded forward. "Of course."
Hisoka stood in the doorway. The bedroom was comfortably dark, everything in its place, and there was the bed. The bed. Hisoka gulped. He had managed to act indifferent pride just outside this door . . . but now reality really hit. How far was this going to go?
But, Hisoka's thoughts of panic were interrupted when a violet-eyed shinigami tackled him from behind and pushed them forward into the bed with a thump. The teenager yelped; this time he had been caught off guard.
He felt so high-strung. This was so intense. And, he couldn't direct this confusing emotion into anger like he always did. So, finally it just broke through.
"H-hisoka?! Are you laughing?!"
Tsuzuki rolled the teenager over and looked at him. He had never seen the boy laugh so much, even though it wasn't too overwhelming; it was more of an awkward snickering. "Are you alright?"
Hisoka calmed himself down and just snickered. "I . . . this is just . . . all of this . . . ." The teen took a deep breath and swallowed. "You."
IF YOU WANT TO READ THE REST, YOU MUST VISIT MY YAMI NO MATSUEI SITE (THE SWEETEST WAY TO DIE) LISTED ON MY BIO PAGE HERE ON FF.NET! THE REST CAN NOT BE POSTED BECAUSE OF ITS RATING!!! IF YOU HAVE TROUBLE FINDING IT, PLEASE EMAIL ME, AND I'LL DIRECT YOU TO IT! THANKS!!!
To be continued . . .
YAMI NO MATSUEI, DESCENDANT OF THE DARK, DESCENDANTS OF DARKNESS, and all related ideas and characters © 1996-2004 Yoko Matushita and respective companies.
MorningStar: Yay for Holli! She finished chapter! First Limey goodness . .. heheheh, very good. By the way Kill Bill VOl. 2 is great and recommended! Thas about it. DAMN MURAKI!!!
Holli: Uhhh...this took forever to write. A combination of reasons. 1) My new school semester is really busy, and still getting worse as it's getting close to the end 2) Fanart contests I was participating in, hee hee and 3) I was getting to more of the sexual part of Tsuzuki and Hisoka's relationship...which I have never written about in my life, except in rpgs MorningStar and I have played. So, ha ha ha, yep.
Enjoy! It's not over yet!
BuddhaFrog: N/A
SWEETEST VIBRATIONS Chapter Six: Not Fragile
Written by Holli. Editing by MorningStar.
(WARNINGS: R to NC-17 for LIME! Hot and dirty kind!; Tsuzuki x Hisoka; angst. Painful, get-over-it kind of angst!)
It's never easy to watch your most loved one suffer.
Tsuzuki cringed as he tried to stack his paperwork straight. With a sigh, he slipped on a paper clip, set it down, closed his eyes and leaned back in his chair, pushing the chair back on its hind legs with his feet. As his arms dangled unused on either side, he stared at the ceiling.
'What now?'
His thoughts were not about the paperwork, but about his partner.
Hisoka had gone to get their lunch, leaving Tsuzuki to try to catch up with his paperwork that his younger partner couldn't help him with since it required his signatures. Finally finishing the huge pile, there was nothing left to do except to wait for his partner to return. The next papers were new investigation papers that required them both to do the summaries. Tsuzuki knew he could get started, but rather not. As unpleasant, or rather as uneasy, as his apparently not job-related thoughts were, they were still ones he needed to reflect on.
Tsuzuki rolled many thoughts through his mind. Hisoka was an enigma of weakness and strength. He was intelligent and strong when it came to emotions, due to his need to control his empathy. But his body was one that hadn't quite reached full maturity. Although his body was strong, it was also lithe and skinny, and prone to fainting. And while Hisoka did understand his emotions and could face his own problems, he preferred not to sometimes and was often confused by them.
It is true that he would always be afraid of Muraki on an instinctual, subconscious level (and who wouldn't be? Especially with the nature of the doctor's assault and murder brought down upon Hisoka), but he certainly wasn't utterly terrified of the man, even if he was caught off guard by him during their encounters.
Tsuzuki knew that he would have been terrified if he had ever encountered someone who had tried to kill him like that in the most vicious and disgusting of ways, but Hisoka had not been afraid. He is . . . truly strong, and had overcome a great amount of his ordeal.
Tsuzuki winced and leaned over his desk. 'So . . . back to his original, aggravating thought: what now?' Ever since their confessions to each other, and that morning Tsuzuki had rescued Hisoka from his nightmares, their relationship had advanced in a way, but had also tried to revert to what it was before; Tsuzuki pouted at realizing they hadn't even hugged each other since that last morning, much less kiss or anything else intimate. And that had been almost a month ago.
But, he didn't want to scare Hisoka away . . . he knew he couldn't pussyfoot around him anymore either . . . Hisoka had convinced him of his worth. He most certainly wasn't afraid of them being together. He smiled. He now knew it was all right to exist . . . but old convictions are hard to discard. The shinigami grimaced wistfully. How would he ever know how far he could go in their relationship without hurting Hisoka? When a loving gaze was too overwhelming, or a gentle touch held too long?
"Baaaka."
Tsuzuki jumped at the voice of his younger partner, who handed him his take- out Chinese food. "How long were you standing there?"
"Long enough to be reminded how truly stupid you are sometimes. I caught a few bits of your moronic thoughts." Tsuzuki frowned, but perked up as he saw a very rare, but small smile appear on Hisoka's face briefly. "Thank you. But I'm not that fragile. Tsuzuki, you haven't scared me with your stupidity before, so how would anything you do now make a difference? I can tell you if I don't approve of something . . . geez, you dummy."
Tsuzuki didn't know exactly what to think of those remarks, but immediately cheered up anyway. He didn't know what it was about Hisoka, but whenever he told Tsuzuki anything, Tsuzuki believed him . . . was convinced and reassured, no matter if Hisoka could truly know any better than him or not. Somehow . . . it coming from him was all he ever needed.
Tsuzuki grinned at being reminded of his newfound happiness with Hisoka.
'It's called love, eh? It was always there . . . but now it doesn't have to be denied.'
Tsuzuki frowned at noticing for his 4 containers of Chinese, Hisoka only had a small one of lo mein, but he smiled at seeing him actually eat it. With a bit of elegance that Hisoka never noticed of himself, Hisoka efficiently and quickly ate his food as he started looking over their next pile of paperwork.
Tsuzuki smiled. It was nice viewing Hisoka's routines. He knew that after the boy ate and briefly looked at the papers, he'd take the rest of the break to read. If he was lucky, he'd get to see Hisoka accidentally doze off in his chair as he read. He always let him sleep longer than their break, pissing off Hisoka, but he was just too cute when he slept . . . he always breathed softly . . . gentle rising in his chest, barely holding on to his book. Tsuzuki would work on their papers then, but would always stop to admire his partner, his hair gently resting around his face, sometimes tickling his nose, which he would brush away in his sleep. The evenings were always best, the sun hitting Hisoka's hair and making it appear even more golden than what his light brown hair was.
He wished he could cuddle with his partner. Of course, the teen wouldn't want to do such a thing (pride and embarrassment) but Tsuzuki knew if he could convince him to, all the trouble to accomplish it would be entirely worth it. It was almost like convincing a cat to let you pet it . . . if it would just relax and trust you just a little bit more for just a moment.
Being around with Hisoka anytime . . . being able to watch him and feel safe . . . it was the best thing in the world.
Hisoka peered up from his lo mein, wondering why the hell his partner was staring at him instead of eating. Even with his empathy and Tsuzuki's strong emotions, he didn't always catch everything. He cursed at himself as he felt himself blush, realizing he had noodles sticking out of his mouth. He knew he had to look stupid. As he reddened and slurped the noodles in, Tsuzuki's smile started to grow bigger and he closed his eyes in happiness.
"What's your problem, moron?"
"Nothing. You're just so cute, Hisoka."
Hisoka reddened even more. Why did that comment make him feel so weird? Really! He'd already kissed the man . . . more than once too . . . but it was always embarrassing, no matter what, to have attention like that; nice attention and admiration. Hisoka just wasn't use to it, and worse yet, they were still at work in the office!
"Don't call me that!"
Tsuzuki didn't reply but just continued to smile. He laughed and gave Hisoka an answer that he knew he would most certainly do the opposite of.
"Okay . . . if you say so!"
Hisoka looked away from the brunet and grimaced at the floor. 'Damn him. It never was much of a fight for me to come to care for him like this . . . was it? To not actually mind his love . . . .'
The teenager blushed even more, but quickly pushed his precarious thoughts to the back of his mind. "We need to finish these summaries, Tsuzuki."
Tsuzuki laughed. "I know, I know. But after the break, okay?"
Hisoka frowned and finished his lo mein. He picked up his book and started reading as he sipped at his bottle of plum tea. He looked up at Tsuzuki and gave him a disapproving little frown.
"Wake me up if I fall asleep, damn it."
Tsuzuki face broke into a wide grin.
"No problem."
Hisoka felt himself getting mad . . . but he wasn't really, was he?
"And Tsuzuki?"
"Yeah?"
"I'm not cute when I sleep either."
Tsuzuki sweat dropped. Just how much had Hisoka been able to pick up on his emotions? He never knew what would leak through to the teen. But then he chuckled.
"You can't change the truth, Hisoka."
Hisoka ignored that last comment and went back to reading.
Days like this made Tsuzuki glad that he was alive (in a matter of speaking). Ever since their last big discussion and reassurances to each other, Hisoka and he had spent a little more time together outside of work. They had done so before, but now it was even a little bit more . . . just enough to be noticeable by those who knew them really well. They went out to eat more often, spent time talking about absolutely nothing until ungodly hours, and even played games (usually shogi or igo, even though Tsuzuki usually didn't like having to concentrate on such things to play a game; it felt too much like taking a test to him).
But, the best part of it all was that he knew he was wanted and needed. Their conversations weren't serious very often, and Tsuzuki knew it was because of hesitance on both their parts; so much had been straightened out, but there was still a lot left untouched. It was now a bit more about . . . emotions . . . the feel of it all now . . . not what needed to be said.
They were walking back to Hisoka's house, Tsuzuki slightly behind his younger partner. The golden light that played off Hisoka's hair in the early evening hours reminded Tsuzuki of the night they had finally confessed to each other. He smiled warmly, as Hisoka continued to walk his calm, collective stride. The older shinigami let out a deep breath of air that wasn't quite a sigh. Truly, this was the best of moments. They hadn't planned on anything tonight, but that didn't matter. A whole lot of nothing was fine by Tsuzuki.
He smirked. Instead of shogi or igo this evening, they could play Hide-and- Seek. Also tag . . . because all the games they played just seemed too . . . 'grown-up' to Tsuzuki. Boring and sad . . . he thought for sure that Hisoka would like to play something else . . . since his childhood had been as bad as his own. At least Tsuzuki had been exposed to the outside . . . but Hisoka's childhood had been one of absolute isolation.
He laughed at the thought of tackling Hisoka while playing tag or some other running game. Meanwhile the teenager stopped, turned around and glared at him, a slight touch of scarlet on his face, that was hard to notice in the evening light. "Quit being stupid, Tsuzuki." He turned back around and continued his walk where he left off, like nothing happened, even with his embarrassment apparent.
Tsuzuki stood there for a second, but then chuckled. He had to remember not to be so strong with his thoughts around Hisoka. He always forgot, just about every single time he was around him and was excited. He just liked those kinds of games. Roughhousing was the best kind of play, in Tsuzuki's opinion. Why would Hisoka blush at the thought of just some friendly romp-time?
On opposite ends of a small kitchen table, Hisoka watched Tsuzuki finish off the last of the daifuku mochi he had brought out for dessert to finish off their meal. Tsuzuki momentarily peered up from his snack, smiled at Hisoka warmly, not noticing the flour on his nose from the treat, and then went back to demolishing the white rice cakes without mercy.
Hisoka sighed. The sigh was of affection, but also a bit of exasperation. Tsuzuki was such a little kid . . . it was kind of aggravating how so many considered this . . . baka . . . more of an adult than himself. But, Tsuzuki was serious when it mattered; the teen had to admit to himself. Hisoka winced at realizing that acting more mature and having a seemingly more mature mind didn't make him more of the adult necessarily . . . especially after some of the really dumb mistakes he had made in some of their investigations, that had been utterly teenage and rebellious in attitude. At least most of Tsuzuki's mistakes were because of miscalculations and misunderstandings, not because of brash actions. But, it's not that Tsuzuki didn't screw up that way too.
The teenager blinked as he noticed that Tsuzuki had finished his dessert, and was sitting contently, smiling at him. He felt his heart race . . . and the most miniscule of blushes tinted his face.
'I love you.'
Hisoka blushed at remembering their confessions to each other, in what seemed to be a small eternity ago. Lovers. Not brotherly love. No mercy cases or pity parties. One sweet kiss after another that lingered ever so long . . . but since that time . . . after that intense confession and the following morning, their relationship had advanced . . . yet it hadn't.
The feeling that had surged through him when he had touched Tsuzuki . . . he longed to touch his . . . lover . . . again. His lips, his face . . . to gently brush his fingertips over bared chest and back, and to feel those hands of his love on his own flesh . . . .
The teen felt himself redden even more, and knew it was his fault for having such thoughts. It made his heart quicken . . . and his stomach tighten. He clutched the front of his shirt, and stared at his slipper covered feet resting on the floor . . . a nervousness rushed over him.
"Hisoka?"
The young man came to his senses and snapped his head up to stare at Tsuzuki. "Are you okay?"
"Y-yeah. Never better."
Tsuzuki stood up and tentatively and carefully walked over to his partner, letting a hand rest gently on his shoulder. "Are you sure?"
Hisoka continued to stare at him. For once . . . he was not going to deny himself . . . his emotions.
"No."
Tsuzuki was concerned by that answer, and lowered himself to Hisoka's eye level and tried to look into the eyes of the young man. His eyes appeared closed, but were actually open, looking towards the floor. He honestly didn't know what to do . . . he had no idea what thoughts could be racing through his mind. But, before he could ask Hisoka if he was all right once again, the boy spoke up.
"I don't know what to do anymore. And you don't either. I can see that. I'm not stupid. I think I've told you that more than once."
Tsuzuki let his arms relax and lay crossed over Hisoka's knees as he knelt and Hisoka remained seated in his chair, intent on listening to whatever the younger shinigami needed to say. To be frank, he was worried. After all their hardships, misunderstandings and conflicts, was the teenager having second thoughts about them being a couple? Tsuzuki felt the bottom of his stomach give out. He didn't ever want to be alone again . . . please not that . . . please . . . !
"MORON! That's not it!"
Tsuzuki winced and then slowly and sheepishly looked back up at Hisoka. The youth's eyes were tearing up just slightly, but his face showed frustrated anger more than anything else.
"I-I . . . we-we're suppose to be lovers, like you said, right? Shouldn't . . . we . . . move forward?" Hisoka breathed out, shouting as he started, and almost whispering as he finished.
"W-what do you mean?" Tsuzuki felt his heart race.
"Listen, I-I've never had a relationship before . . . an intimate . . . physical relationship. I have no idea-well I do-but not really, I mean . . . ."
Hisoka stopped trying to talk and tightly clutched his bangs in his hands, the strands running between his fingers and poking in odd directions, as if to emphasize his frustration even more. This situation was beyond aggravation.
He was strong. He could beat his past horrors. But . . . somewhere in there, in his mind . . . and his body . . . he truly felt defiled . . . jaded . . . dirty.
"Hisoka. I know. Don't worry."
Hisoka looked with appreciation towards Tsuzuki, but then his frustration quickly reappeared, and he quickly stood up.
"But, that's no excuse! It's been way too long . . . we've waited too long to move forward and make something of our relationship! I . . . what do you want, Tsuzuki?"
The brunet peered up at Hisoka and smiled warmly. "Anything to make you happy. I'm fine the way it is now, even if it has to remain that way."
The young shinigami let out an exasperated sigh, and a smile appeared on his face. But it seemed rather bitter, as a tear rolled down his cheek. "I knew you'd say that."
"H-Hisoka – what have I done? I'm sorry!"
"BAKA! You should be! But . . . you shouldn't be either! I know you want what I want . . . but I don't know what that is either. So, please . . . . We both . . . need to take some risk."
Hisoka warmly held Tsuzuki's face and planted a gentle kiss on his lips. Tsuzuki sighed and closed his eyes. It has been so long since he had felt that flesh against his own. "Tsuzuki . . . I love you. But I also want what you want too. Please, for once, tell me what you want . . . what you need. I want to take care of you! You may be selfless as you sacrifice yourself for my sake, but it's a needless sacrifice! I can handle what you want, I want to! When you do everything just for my sake . . . there's a different kind of selfishness in that too . . . and it hurts me."
Tsuzuki gaped at Hisoka, and then grimaced. Both of them thought too much for the sake of the other. He hugged Hisoka tightly to his chest. He snuggled Hisoka close, enjoying his scent, and his heart started to race. He could feel Hisoka's was also.
"I . . . I don't want to make you angry, but I truly want what you want. Hisoka, I know you're a steady person I can always rely on and love. But . . . and I know you're past shouldn't be held in account if you don't want me to . . . but please."
"We . . . we aren't ever going to get past this at this rate." Hisoka sighed. "I . . . just. Let me kiss you. There. T-that's what I want from you right now . . . it's a . . . start." The boy peered up at Tsuzuki, his face flushed red, a glimmer of lust barely hidden in his eyes.
"O-okay."
Tsuzuki dipped down and gently touched his lips to those soft lips, hugging the young man close, as Hisoka stretched up to meet him halfway. Those lips pressed together, caressed and parted. Hisoka twitched, as he stood back down.
"Hisoka?"
Hisoka reached up again with a quick snap, and pulled and pushed Tsuzuki down onto the floor with a resounding thud. Tsuzuki let out a surprised yelp as he landed on his butt, but Hisoka soon resumed his kissing of the older man, as he knelt between his legs, ran his hands through Tsuzuki's hair, pressing his tongue forward to gain entrance to Tsuzuki's mouth.
Tsuzuki cautiously ran his hands over Hisoka's back and soon felt himself immersed in the feel and smell of his loved one all around him. As Hisoka finally knelt back with his hands gripping Tsuzuki's knees, he looked at his lover and found himself flustered in desire and breathless . . . unconsciously licking his lips. It took him a moment, but he finally found his voice.
"Tsuzu . . . ki." He rasped out.
The older shinigami swallowed hard as he looked across at the teen. That lustful utterance of his name . . . it had definitely had aroused him even more. Hisoka's face was flustered but lustful, his voice shaky but seductive. His expression wore a look of determination, mustering its way through scarcely concealed fear. There was simply no one word to describe Hisoka's disheveled but controlled appearance right then.
The green eyed boy's breathing did not settle, but only increased. In almost a demand, he spoke to Tsuzuki. "I touched you. Now . . . you touch me."
Carefully, Tsuzuki pushed himself up on his hands and sat up. He gazed deeply into Hisoka's eyes . . . he had lost himself so long ago in those verdant eyes.
There was to be no more questions . . . no more hesitations. They could no longer be afraid of each other . . . or be afraid for each other.
Tsuzuki softly, but boldly pushed Hisoka's bangs out of his eyes. He leant forward and gently held Hisoka's face, and kissed his forehead. Once. Twice. And it continued, until he was kissing him deeply, mouth to mouth.
Hisoka felt his face redden, as his pulse increased even more than before. His hands felt heated as his nerves continued to wrack his senses. He was so utterly immersed in these warm, if frightening, emotions that surged through his body.
Tsuzuki left Hisoka's mouth, kissing the corner of those lips, and down the side of his chin. He leaned forward and pressed his lips to Hisoka's neck, and trailed downward, leaving a slightly moist hint of his path as he reached the collarbone. That shirt. It was in the way.
Hisoka gasped at feeling such pressure on his skin. He squirmed and flailed at such touching . . . it was weird—but somehow nice. He felt his shirt starting to inch up. He peered down at Tsuzuki and felt his head spin at seeing the lips of his desire on his stomach, and moving up.
The teen felt the silkiness of Tsuzuki's hair on his stomach and between his fingers as he clutched. He heard a loud throaty moan. Had that been him? Tsuzuki looked up at Hisoka and smiled at the noise, and Hisoka felt himself blush. Couldn't he have more control? But . . . how long had he waited for this?
About then, Hisoka noticed how hard and cold the kitchen floor was.
"Tsuzuki."
"Mm."
"Tsuzuki."
"Mmmmm . . . ."
"TSUZUKI!!!"
"Y-YES??!!"
Tsuzuki had snapped up his head from its place on Hisoka's mid-torso and looked up at the teenager, scared that he had done something wrong. Hisoka knew he was probably very flushed and acting deadly serious, but he couldn't help it, given the situation. He swallowed and spoke softly. "Can't we move . . . umm . . . to somewhere else?"
The older shinigami smiled warmly. "Right. This isn't exactly the best place . . . ."
"W-well, I did knock you over . . . ."
Tsuzuki grinned. This sweetly innocent aggression Hisoka had . . . it was very alluring. Tsuzuki stood up, and offered a helping hand. Hisoka refused it and walked towards the bedroom. Tsuzuki didn't know what to think of that for a moment. But his face broke out in a smile. Some things would never change . . . but this is what he loved about Hisoka.
Even though both of them were still very flustered, especially Hisoka, the boy managed to turn around with a mock-angry look on his face, and his hands on his hips. "Don't stare at me all day!"
Tsuzuki bounded forward. "Of course."
Hisoka stood in the doorway. The bedroom was comfortably dark, everything in its place, and there was the bed. The bed. Hisoka gulped. He had managed to act indifferent pride just outside this door . . . but now reality really hit. How far was this going to go?
But, Hisoka's thoughts of panic were interrupted when a violet-eyed shinigami tackled him from behind and pushed them forward into the bed with a thump. The teenager yelped; this time he had been caught off guard.
He felt so high-strung. This was so intense. And, he couldn't direct this confusing emotion into anger like he always did. So, finally it just broke through.
"H-hisoka?! Are you laughing?!"
Tsuzuki rolled the teenager over and looked at him. He had never seen the boy laugh so much, even though it wasn't too overwhelming; it was more of an awkward snickering. "Are you alright?"
Hisoka calmed himself down and just snickered. "I . . . this is just . . . all of this . . . ." The teen took a deep breath and swallowed. "You."
IF YOU WANT TO READ THE REST, YOU MUST VISIT MY YAMI NO MATSUEI SITE (THE SWEETEST WAY TO DIE) LISTED ON MY BIO PAGE HERE ON FF.NET! THE REST CAN NOT BE POSTED BECAUSE OF ITS RATING!!! IF YOU HAVE TROUBLE FINDING IT, PLEASE EMAIL ME, AND I'LL DIRECT YOU TO IT! THANKS!!!
To be continued . . .
YAMI NO MATSUEI, DESCENDANT OF THE DARK, DESCENDANTS OF DARKNESS, and all related ideas and characters © 1996-2004 Yoko Matushita and respective companies.