A/N: YAY! Another chapter up this weekend, I'm so happy ^_^! This chapter plays around with TTT a bit, especially in the case of the palantir. My Sauron is slightly OOC, but I like him ^_^ and I think it works OK. This chapter sorta parodies slash, but there's nowt physical, believe me – only FUNNY! I haven't been updating half as much as I ought to, partly because of lack of inspiration and partly cos of another fic I'm desperately trying to get written in time for Halloween, lol. But I have had enough of its seriousness for the moment and am glad of the humour I can write in this one! So, for your viewing pleasure, I am glad to introduce…Chapter 22!

Disclaimer:

I don't own Harry and I don't own Snape

And man, that really makes me quite irate!

Then I try and try to own George and Fred

But as all my previous chapters have said

They do not belong to my hyper teenage brain

So I now will express extremely clearly again:

All these characters, their friends and their world that's cool

Belong to JK Rowling and others with their hands in the Harry Potter copyright pool!

And now comes the time for verse two

Something I bet you hoped I wouldn't do!

Well I don't own Middle-Earth, Pippin or Merry

Glad not to own the Black Riders cos they're really scary

And as all the chapters in this story have plainly stated:

(And quite frankly this repetition is getting really dated)

All these characters, their friends, Middle-Earth and the like

Belong to JRR Tolkien, his publishers and whomever else holds the copyrights!

A/N: Umm…sorry *embarrassed of her 'poetic' outburst* I'm just getting really sick and tired of disclaimers and wanted to do something different…o_0

***

And so we come to talk about our other two friends, who go by the names of Hermione and Ron. The two, of course, are in the awful predicament of being very good friends, but with one loving the other. It's not good. Especially when the other doesn't like you in that way. Ron really thought he had Hermione for a while, just around the time that he had told her his feelings in an awfully weird yet wonderful way. Of course the phrase 'around the time' is in need of clarification, being that the time was for about 10 seconds of a silent pause from Hermione before she started shouting angrily at him. Now, just to further their troubles, they were riding to Helm's Deep. Uncomfortable friendships and sword fighting just don't mix.

"Hermione!"

Strider shouted to Hermione from several horses in front of her. Without a hesitation she replied with a sweet,

"Yes?"

"Tell me, what do you propose to do once we arrive?"

Hermione thought for a moment then said,

"Um?"

From beside her Ron sighed,

"Sh*tter, I mean Strider," Ron let out a laugh at his own lame joke - it had taken him all night to come up with that one (lets just say that Ron doesn't have Fred and George's talent for comedy) then continued as Hermione scowled at him, "Is asking you what you plan to do. For example, do you plan on fighting?"

"Of course I do! What do you take me for? I'm hardly going to run away, am I? I have faced some violent and nightmarish things in my time you know."

"Oh, I know you have! You've seen Pansy and Millicent changing in the girls changing room on sports day!"

Hermione rolled her eyes and sighed,

"Actually, I was referring to our run-ins with You-Know-Who over the past few years, but yes," Hermione shuddered, "The sight of Pansy and Millicent changing is quite horrifying."

Strider shouted over again,

"But are you prepared enough to fight in a battle?"

"Yes! Have you all forgotten that Snape isn't the only one with a wand?" asked Hermione, clearly agitated. Ron then decided to point out to her that she hadn't, as of yet, really used her wand – except for the jinxing of Snape's wand. Ron was also dubious over Hermione's choice of fighting in battle, so he decided, just in case anything bad happened, that he should stay near her at all times.

Just to make sure she stayed safe, of course, nothing to do with the fact that she was a talented witch with a working wand.

***

Remus flicked his wand thoughtfully as Sirius was going through Snape's bookcase in search of a good spell to use. Sirius, I should note, was also crazy with happiness,

"Remus! You have no idea of what a genius you are, do you? I mean this is great! Amazing!"

"I know. I wouldn't have told you my idea if it wasn't."

"True, true." Sirius laughed, "Snape is going to be so p*issed off when he finds out what we're doing!"

"The point, my dear friend," Remus pulled a book that had the spells that Sirius was looking for out of the bookcase, then patted Sirius on the shoulder as he gave the book to him, "Is that Snape does not find out. At least, not until after he's tried to get into…"

Remus was cut off mid-sentence as the door next to him burst open and Fred and George fell face down onto the floor. Remus and Sirius looked at each other. As the twins stood up, Fred's mutter of "I told you we shouldn't have leant any harder on the door!" could be heard. George grinned,

"Professor Lupin! Mr Black!"

"George. Fred." Remus nodded, wondering how much they had heard. But then realised that because he was wondering this, Fate would have made certain that Fred and George had heard everything that had been said between himself and Sirius. So he skipped all the usual accusations of "How much have you heard?" and jumped straight in,

"So. You've heard everything I assume."

Fred and George nodded wildly. Sirius scratched his head, slightly behind with the dialogue, since he had been expecting to hear accusations of "How much have you heard?"

Sirius wasn't as quick thinking and logical as Remus in these kind of situations.

"We…we were wondering…" Fred and George looked at each other as they said this at the exact same time, then Fred continued,

"We were wondering if we could help…in any way. And we do mean in any way possible…we just NEED to be a part of this prank!"

George agreed loudly,

"Here, here!"

Sirius smiled and threw the spell book Remus had given him at Fred, saying,

"Page 83 - read out exactly what we have to do slowly."

Fred and George looked at Sirius and Remus, then at the spell book, then each other.

And then they screamed with joy.

They were about to play a part in one of the best jokes on Snape that they had ever heard off. Lucky devils.

***

Ron stared as Gimli swiftly and cleanly chopped an orc's head off. Staying near to Hermione hadn't been easy, for he realised that she was a ferocious creature on the battlefield. Her and Legolas had been cutting down the orcs as if they were nothing but paper-thin trees. Ron, on the other hand, had sided with Gimli, who was hacking at the ugly brutes as if they were wood. Ron himself was…well…he was…hiding behind a large metal shield. I mean he had tried to use a sword but it had made him lose his balance, then the bow and arrows they…well, lets just say Strider is now fighting with a slight limp due to an arrow injury in his thigh. It's not like I purposely meant to hit him, thought Ron angrily, it was just that my hand slipped!

"Aha! And that last orc makes my count 5! What about you lad?" Gimli shouted to Ron over the screams of the fighting. Ron cleared his throat,

"Uh, I tripped up one as it passed me and it fell on a spear!" Ron bellowed back in reply, then added quickly just for the dramatic effect (because that's what we're all so fond of in this story), "Hoorah for me!"

Gimli grinned,

"That's the spirit lad!" then turned his attentions to an attacking orc. Ron waited for a moment as Gimli finished the annoying creature off.

"Gimli?"

"Yes?"

"Tell me," Ron raised his voice because sudden screaming of "I'm melting! I'm meltiiiiing!" had started up somewhere in distance, and continued, "You wouldn't happen to know anything about woman?"

"Is this going to be about your obsession with that girl Hermione?"

Ron thought for a moment then said blankly,

"Yes."

"Oh," Gimli took a second to remove an orc arm stuck on his axe-blade, "I'm afraid can't help you out much there lad. Don't know very much about women."

Ron sagged sadly. Gimli gave him a hopeful smile and said,

"But I could tell you whatever you want to know about gold if you want."

***

Snape rubbed his head as he sat up. Looking around him, he realised he'd been moved out of the way and into a quiet area. Alone at last, thought Snape, thank the good Lord! Or not, seeing as I am a wizard…Snape shook his head. It really wasn't the time to get into religious arguments with himself. Looking down, he realised that the stone he'd been knocked out by was sitting beside him. It was a perfectly smooth, dark and round crystal. Snape raised a happy eyebrow and said aloud,

"I'm impressed. The old man had taste. What a pity he threw the thing away," Snape reconsidered, "Actually, not a pity, for that would make a really great paperweight! Maybe if I ever get home I'll get the chance to use it…"

And so Snape picked up the enticing paperweight and examined it closer. A faint glow began to appear,

"Strange" whispered Snape, as he lowered his head to it. Suddenly there was nothing but darkness and a voice…

"You!"

"Me?" Snape said hoarsely at nothingness now ever so worried about his new paperweight.

"Yes you! You are not Saruman!"

"No…" Snape was now dubious over whether this thing was actually a paperweight.

"Who are you?"

"Professor Severus Snape, a wizard," Snape thought for a second, "A powerful one."

There was a piercing laugh. Snape scowled,

"What are you laughing at?"

"You."

"Well…who are you?"

"I am Sauron."

"Oh." Snape thought hard for a second and knew that he should not have bothered asking that question, for who else could it have been? I mean, who else could literally talk in a bold type?

"Anyway, I'm getting side-tracked. Tell Saruman that this dainty is not for him," Sauron was suddenly stopped mid-sentence. Snape had butted in,

"Yes, what exactly was I going to use as my new paperweight?"

"This is a palantir. A seeing stone. But only those who have great power and strength can wield it."

"I see. So could I, for example, be able to see into my world?"

Sauron laughed,

"No. Only to other stones like this one…unless you possess great power and…"

"…Strength." Snape thought for a moment, then said,

"Let me see Hogwarts."

"What? Are you asking me, Sauron the Great to do your bidding?"

"No. I am telling you to."

If Snape had been able to see Sauron's eyes, he would have seen them blink in sheer surprise.

"Why do you dare say this to me?"

"You remind me of a Lord I used to serve under."

Sauron's face (had it been there for Snape to see) wrinkled in confusion. For some strange ungodly reason he felt like humouring the man. And believe you me; it takes a lot to get Sauron to do anything remotely like that.

***

Sirius stood on one side of The Book, and Remus on the other. Fred and George stood in a dazed happiness as they watched Remus raise his wand and hold it over the book. Then, for some reason or another, Sirius said,

"I think we should just clarify out loud what on earth it is that we are about to do."

Fred and George looked at each other and then said in unison,

"Why?"

Remus followed the twins and asked,

"Yes, why?"

"I don't know. The thought just came to me that perhaps we should say it out aloud." Sirius scratched his head. Remus gave him an odd look,

"Well…I'm about to cast a spell, that will make Snape…"

***

Snape screamed shrilly like a little girl as he heard Remus clarify out loud exactly what they were about to do. It made Sauron laugh.

"What am I going to do? How am I going to stop them?"

Snape began to fiddle nervously with the necklace that Galadriel had given him as he thought desperately for an answer. Suddenly, the necklace began to move. Snape blinked and let go of it. It disappeared in a puff of green smoke. Snape gave the space where the necklace had been a worried look, then jumped as he heard a female voice inside his head whispering,

"Just a necklace? I'll show you!"

***

A much larger puff of green smoke appeared in Snape's room behind Remus, where the four pranksters where in the middle of pranking. Sirius looked up at Remus, as Remus was about to say the last words of the spell, and screamed,

"There's a massively huge silver and green snake behind you Remus! Run for your life!"

Remus gave Sirius a withering look and continued,

"…All for…" at this point, just before the last and most critical word of the spell was uttered, the huge snake that was behind Remus lunged forward, knocking Remus off-balance, making his wand point away from the book and straight at Sirius instead. As Remus fell, he shouted the last word of the spell before he could stop himself,

"…LOOOOOOOVE!"

Sirius and fell backwards as a wave of pink light hit off his chest. Fred and George stared open mouthed at the snake, then at Remus, then at Sirius. The snake, looking pleased with itself, disappeared just as suddenly as it had appeared. Remus blinked and stood upright, then decided to stare at Sirius.

Sirius blinked several times and groaned,

"Wha-what happened?"

Remus gave him a hand up and said sadly,

"I have no idea. But whatever happened stopped the greatest prank on earth occurring today."

Sirius rubbed his eyes and stared into Remus' face.

And Sirius saw the man he loved.

***

A/N: Bwahahahahaaaa! I love you Sirius, I really do, but that's what you get when you try to laugh at my Sev! *clears throat* Don't worry though! He won't love Remus for long! It's a short-lived and funny spell! Anyway, I hope those last scenes made sense, because I had to keep changing from one place to another! May I just say a big thank you to Jaws again because the inspiration for that whole storyline came from their review!

Also thank you to Charlotte Black and Mary Snape for reviewing chapter21 already ^_^!