A/N: If anybody wants to join a mailing list for updates on this fic (i.e. receive info on when new chapters are up and hear my excuses for not having updated sooner…lol :P) could you leave your email address in a review or contact me at (oogieboogiesboys@hotmail.com) and let me know? Cheers^_^! Also if you have any ideas or a character (out of either of the books) that you would like to see in this, mail me at the latter address and I'll see what I can do!
Disclaimer: *has run wild with madness and hatred for disclaimers* Um… as previous chapters. Please look at them before you go suing.
***
The air surrounding Orthanc was thick and full of hatred. And for once it had nothing to do with Saruman and his dark and fiendish army of orcs (ok, so fiendish is perhaps too strong a word to use…more like foolish or oaf-ridden…) No, this hatred had nothing to do with any of them, for it had been caused due to the arrival of Gandalf the now dazzling white. The first thought that had popped into Snape's mind upon seeing him went something along the lines of – 'That man must spend a fortune on muggle washing powder…' Gandalf, of course, was not exactly ecstatic about meeting Snape again, which I suppose is entirely understandable seeing as Snape had tried to kill him.
"Snape." Gandalf nodded at our beloved professor in acknowledgement.
"Gandalf," Snape replied then, without batting an eyelid, smirked, "White suits you. Goes well with the beard."
"And black could never be anything but your colour, Snape." Gandalf answered with a false smile.
Everybody took a step back from the two men at this point, expecting them to begin to rip out each other's vocal cords. Thankfully, both thought the better of it. Snape pointed to Orthanc,
"No need to worry about Saruman. I have him secured."
"I see."
Everybody took another step back as the tense silence grew louder, waiting for Gandalf to shout at Snape over the attempted murder incident. Or turn him into a bunny. Or just hurt him in some painful manner. The shouts never came, the bunny never appeared and even the Snape-hurting didn't pop in to say hello. All that followed was a few minutes of stubborn staring from both wizards. After these stubborn minutes, Gandalf shook himself, sighing, and walked over to talk with Merry and Pippin. Snape congratulated himself on winning that little staring contest, then walked over to Ron and Hermione.
"Well?" Snape looked at them.
Hermione and Ron looked at each other, then back to Snape.
"Yes Professor?" asked Hermione.
"Would you kindly tell me where on earth you two idiots gallivanted off to?" Snape asked angrily.
Ron grinned,
"We fought in the battle at Helm's Deep!"
"Well, that would explain the state of your uniforms," Snape stated with contempt, "20 points from Gryffindor for looking like you've both been dragged backwards through a hedge – keep yourselves neat in the future."
In the background of this scene Merry and Pippin let out a happy chorus of 'Ooooo!', for they had been suffering withdrawal symptoms from not having done it in so long. Gandalf scolded them for liking Snape.
Hermione laughed in disbelief,
"You can't seriously be taking points off us? We've been fighting in a battle…a battle!"
"Miss Granger, are you questioning my punishment and authority?"
"With all due respect," Hermione then stressed the next word with slight sarcasm, "Sir, when hypocrisy comes into question then yes. You do realise your hair his grown at least four inches since I last saw you? Awful messy if you ask me. And you most certainly didn't have such tattered and frayed robes."
Snape ground his teeth together slowly and then went to say a cutting remark, but for once his mind failed him in comments. So instead he gave her an evil look then turned abruptly on his heels and marched off to where he had been camping for the last couple of days, in search of his paperweight.
Ron watched Snape walk away then turned to Hermione and said,
"I hope one day somebody removes that pole from his ass – I really do."
***
Remus ran into Dumbledore's office as fast as he could, skidding as he entered so he could turn quickly and slam the door behind him. Remus then proceeded to barricade the door, using whatever he could find. The range of objects he used included a desk, a chair, a sofa, a chest of drawers, some heavy looking books and then Dumbledore himself. Dumbledore blinked as Remus carried him over his shoulder and threw him down on top of his sofa. Which, for the record, was balancing awkwardly on top of the desk. Dumbledore looked down at Remus from the little makeshift throne that Remus had managed to create and said,
"I know you look up to me Remus, but really, crowning me isn't necessary."
Remus slumped to the floor and sighed,
"Sirius loves me."
"Oh that's no secret! I've been waiting for him to own up to that one since you two were in sixth year!"
Remus stared blankly at Dumbledore, in slight shock and disgust, then shook himself and said,
"No, I mean a spell just backfired on us and that's the reason why he loves me."
"I'm sure he loves you for more than just because of that! You do have lovely eyes, you know."
"Yes, thank y-" Remus' eyebrows crinkled in sudden thought, "NO, no! Sirius only loves me because of the spell!"
"Oh, now don't be so hard on yourself Remus," Dumbledore smiled gently, "You're a very pretty young man, I can see why Sirius loves you. Don't assume it was all because of a little spell - don't be so modest!"
Remus stood up in frustration,
"You don't get it! It's because of the spell that we were going to-"
Remus was cut off by a sudden, loud knocking on the door and a familiar, yet muffled, voice shouting,
"Remus! Remus come back to me! I need you! You are my sun, my moon, my air, and the blood in these veins of mine! The light in my darkness, the heat of the fire in my coldest winter… the sausage meat in my sausage roll!"
Dumbledore watched Remus let out an irritated growl as he opened the window to try to calculate the height he had to fall in order to escape a crazed Sirius. Dumbledore then sighed,
"Ah, young love…how sweet." As he dabbed his eyes with a handkerchief.
***
Snape began to sort through what little belongings he had, muttering angrily to himself about Gandalf. Ohhh, Snape thought, Gandalf the wise, Gandalf the White, Gandalf the great wizard who everybody loves just because his eyes twinkle like Dumbledore's, Gandalf the I-am-so-brilliant! Hah! I bet he couldn't brew a verruca-killing potion to the degree of perfection that I can brew one to!
Stopping for a second, Snape stared at the ground,
"Where is my paperweight-cum-palantir?"
From a little bush beside him there was a loud screaming. Without the time for Snape to even draw one single breath everyone was standing beside him looking concerned, because that's what happens when someone screams. Gandalf picked Pippin up from out of the bush. He then picked up the palantir. Snape made a grab for it,
"That belongs to me."
Gandalf glared at Snape, then tucked the palantir into his robes. Of course, Gandalf didn't have to look at it to figure out what it was, because he's Gandalf and he magically knows everything.
"I think you will find that this…does not belong to you, Severus Snape. It is a much darker and dangerous tool than you will ever know." Gandalf said gravely, and the assembled company (bar Snape) gasped. Instead, Snape rolled his eyes. Gandalf then tended to Pippin, and asked him to tell them everything that had happened. Everyone listened with a false interest.
"And then," Pippin gulped, "He said, 'Tell Saruman this dainty is…oh bugger, what was it I was meant to tell Saruman? Ah yes, that this dainty is not for him! Tell him that! Understand?' and I was so frightened!" Pippin sobbed into Gandalf's white cloak. Note the colour is white. Not grey. White (it makes him feel more important when this colour is emphasised.) Gandalf nodded, patting Pippin on the back. Snape sighed, clearly annoyed, and asked,
"Did he say anything else to you?"
Pippin wiped his nose,
"Yes, yes he did…he also told me to tell you something Sev, it was 'Tell Snape that the dog now loves the wolf. Oh, also remind him that I'm free next Tuesday for a game of poker if he's up for it.' And that was all…"
Gandalf glared at Snape,
"You've befriended the Dark Lord Sauron? What kind of foolish idiot are you?"
Ron shrugged at this comment and chipped in with,
"Well, we all secretly know that he's friends with You-Know-Who, so I don't see why he wouldn't become chummy with Sauron. Stands to reason that he would."
Snape gave Ron a I-shall-kill-you-mark-my-words look then gave Gandalf a controlled smile and said,
"I've always found that it's good to keep your enemies close at hand."
"Well, that may be so where you come from…Snape…but here we like to keep them as far away as physically possible!" Gandalf growled, then grabbed Pippin and walked off shouting, "Snape! Follow me! You are to come with me, so I can keep a close eye on you."
Snape cursed under his breath then turned to Ron and Hermione who gave him innocent smiles,
"It seems we are to part again. I hope that by the next time I see you that you two will have tidied yourselves up a bit. You've already clocked up a month's detention since we arrived in this god-forsaken world."
Ron and Hermione stared at him with open mouths, but then they shut them once they saw the psychopathic killer look in his eye. It was advisable not to piss off Snape when he was in that mood.
***
For the third time in the same hour, Sam gave Frodo a big, long and touchy-feely hug. On seeing this, Gollum nudged Harry, who looked over to where the hobbits where and let out an evil chuckle at the sight. Harry then began to muse, once again, over how to become famous. So, he was in the book – big deal. It wasn't even as if he had ended up with the others who were able to go to the interesting places full of intricate storylines and different roads to go down. No, Harry was stuck with a couple of hobbits (one who was scarily over-friendly and the other being in serious need of a happy pill – such a depressive hobbit should not be allowed to roam free) on their way to a big, fiery mountain to destroy some ring. Of course, he did have Gollum but, as you can probably imagine, Gollum wasn't much of a conversationalist. Come to think of it, neither was Harry. Not anymore anyway. Well, thought Harry, perhaps I could do something while in Mordor with the 'ring-bearer' to reclaim my fame?
Harry then thought lots. Harry thought hard. He did this for so long that the day eventually ran into the night.
Then it hit him suddenly, like a brick would hit him if he were thrown accurately at his head. Except it wasn't as painful as being hit by a brick, nor did it knock him out or leave a bruise. But it did make a cartoon light bulb appear above his head.
All he had to do was kill Frodo, take the ring and destroy it – thus becoming the hero of the story and then everybody would love him again! It was simple. Harry figured there was only one problem: He didn't want to be known as the boy who killed Frodo the depressed hero hobbit. After a second or two's thought, Harry turned to the creature sitting beside him and, grinning sneakily, said,
"…Gollum…?"
"Yes, my precious?" Gollum looked eagerly to his new, and only, friend – ready to hear what Harry had to say.
***
A/N: Thanks to…
Mary Snape – I'll post faster I promise! ^_^Charlotte Black – Hehe, I love Remus and Sirius! I dunno, I just always imagine them the way I have them in this fic…
Digitaru – Well, I thank you for your insanity! And I don't know how long Sirius will love Remus…I find them rather funny hehe!
Elwen Rhiannon – I love Sauron! YAY! Thank you ^_^
Sasery – I think there will be more prank playing on Snape…heh heh.
Pink Devil – Thank you for your review, and don't worry about the ditty!
Jencraw – 'Tis puppy love indeed!Zamnaii – Thank you ^_^
Moustachegirl – *dances a dance of victory* Thanks for your review and adding me to your favourites ^_^!
Anonymous – Thank you for reading and not being able to stop! Hehe!
Mandy Snape – I know, I got chapter22 up so fast! I don't know how on Earth I did it…!