A/N: Leave your address in the review box or contact me at oogieboogiesboys@hotmail.com and receive emails when I've got a new chapter up! You know you want to ^_^! Going slightly into The Return of the King (due to the fact I do not want to focus solely on Harry in Mordor. Cos I really didn't start this fic with Harry as a main character in mind) and manipulates it a bit…but hey! This is meant to be a parody! Not copied word for word…as I'm sure you've all guessed lol ^_^
Disclaimer: Yes, my dears, it is true I own none of these people or places! Now go look at other chapters for more detailed disclaimers! I don't own oompa-loompa's either that's Roald Dahl's or whoever holds his copyrights! Or the Sound of Music…it belongs to someone else. Don't know who though. But it ain't me.
***
So Snape rode alongside Gandalf and Pippin to Minas Tirith in Gondor so they could have a chat with Denethor the crazed old loon who just so happens to be a.) The Steward of Gondor and b.) The father of the insane and quite frankly, dead, Boromir. Who many people never really liked anyway. Can't imagine why.
Gandalf had just spoken to Pippin about seven stars, seven stones and one white tree. Snape, who was listening in, uninvited, to the conversation, let out short sarcastic laugh,
"And tell me, who really cares about a dead tree?"
Gandalf rolled his eyes,
"I think you will find that many people care about trees, Snape, and especially this one."
Snape sighed irritably into himself, still not understanding why anybody would give two hoots about a dead tree. On saying that, thought Snape, who even gives two hoots about a tree that's still alive? Well, apart from the Ents. And the Elves. And quite possibly that madcap tree-hugging hippy Sybil Trelawney…Snape shuddered, remembering an incident that occurred between himself and her several years ago. It was certainly something he would never forget – for all the wrong reasons.
"What will we be doing when we get to where we're going?" Snape asked trying to sound remotely interested – after all, Gandalf was the one carrying the all the food and the drink. And Snape was especially thinking of the drink.
"Pippin and myself shall be speaking with Denathor. You will do as you're told – and will not open that mouth of yours. We do not need another enemy made due to your unsociable and spiteful behaviour."
"Do not try to order me Gandalf. For I only take orders from one person, and that man is not here."
Gandalf spurred slightly on Shadowfax, then turned to face Snape. Pippin glanced at both of them, and then ducked under his cloak, scared of what he was expecting to happen.
"And who," Gandalf's eyes shimmered, "Would that be?"
Snape looked straight into Gandalf's face, wondering if Gandalf was trying to trick him – how could he know about the Dumbledore/Voldemort predicament? Or was he waiting for Snape to fall into a trap? Snape decided to say nothing. Gandalf nodded with a smug look on his face,
"I thought as much."
Snape looked at him in confusion, then asked,
"What?"
"You are under the service of two masters, that's why you are afraid to comment on it."
"I don't know what you mean, Gandalf."
"Yes you do," Gandalf began to ride on, "So serving under one more won't do you any harm. Therefore you will do as I say, at Minas Tirith you will sit pretty and keep quiet."
After a minutes or two's reflective thinking, Gandalf added,
"Maybe a little less of the pretty part. We can't rely on a radical change in your features between here and there can we?" Gandalf laughed loudly, and Pippin giggled.
Snape watched as the two rode on ahead, narrowing his eyes. Oh yes, Gandalf, thought Snape, I've nearly killed you once – and I can damn well do it again! When you least expect it…
Or perhaps when you do. Whatever suits the moment.
Either way, it won't be pleasant.
***
Gollum crawled along musing over what Harry had asked of him. He, of course, had no objections to the request for Harry was his friend. Behind him Frodo let out a gulp as he stared at the ground,
"Look!"
Gollum turned around,
"No! No, you mustn't look! No, my precious mustn't look!"
Harry listened to Gollum's warnings, then, regardless of his madness he did something instinctively Harry-like. This being doing the exact opposite of what Gollum had told them to do. Come on – you can't be a hero and abide by the rules, can you? At least, you shouldn't be expected to have to adhere to the same rules as all the nobodies out there.
Harry looked down and saw…faces. So many faces…He screamed and danced on his toes in fear,
"There are facesss! Hundreds and hundreds of dead faces!"
Gollum sighed and clambered over to Harry. Poor Gollum had never asked to be the creature that everyone recoiled in disgust from – but he did at least expect that people would listen to his helpful advice. Even if it was only because they were scared that he'd kill them.
"Yessss, my precious, that's why this is called the dead marshessess." Hence the dead faces, thought Gollum into himself. He had begun to wonder whether he might be the brightest creature here. It seemed pretty logical to Gollum that if the marshes were called the Dead Marshes (and he had told them this on several occasions) there would be dead people. But the stupid hobbits had ignored him, and his friend hadn't bothered listening. What was the point in being their travel guide if they didn't even listen to his tourist information about the sights?
***
Draco was having a merry old time hiding behind a suit of armour on his own, firing little spells at all who passed. His last victims, a pair of Hufflepuff first years, had run away screaming once they realised that their heads had turned into giant novelty balloons. Thankfully, he had managed to lose Crabbe and Goyle for a couple of hours, after telling them that there was an all-you-can-eat buffet down in the dungeons. Stupid idiots, thought Draco, why do I let myself put up with them? As Draco thought about his life he heard the sound of running feet. That's funny, thought Draco; I haven't hexed anybody for over five minutes – why would someone be running? Peering out from behind the suit of armour, he saw his old Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher running for dear life, looking like he was wetting himself in the process.
Remus ran directly at Draco and threw himself behind the suit of armour, messing Draco's hair up in the process.
"Excuse me Professor!" Draco shouted angrily, fixing his hair, "Do you know how long it takes to get my hair to freeze in this gel-like way?"
"No Malfoy, and for the safety of my mental health I do not wish to know how." Remus had heard many strange and funny stories about what Draco actually used to keep his hair so rigid and in place all the time, and was in no hurry or mood to hear verifications of that substance at this moment in time. He was too worried that Sirius would catch up with him and give in to animal instincts. Dogs never could control themselves.
After a couple of minutes Draco cleared his throat,
"It seems that you are still here Professor."
"Yes, it does, doesn't it? Normally he's found me by now." Remus said with a look of worry on his face.
"Who?" Draco raised an eyebrow.
"My…uh… friend."
"You mean Black?"
"What?" Remus gasped, how could Draco know who he was talking about? Stuttering he said, "I-I don't know what you mean. Why would it be Black? He's an outlaw!"
Draco rolled his eyes,
"Everybody knows that he's your only friend - Snape told us. And everybody knows that he's here at Hogwart's, because Dumbledore has a soft spot for him."
"Oh."
"Why's he looking for you?" Draco paused then sneered, "What did you do, steal his good collar?" Draco then giggled evilly to himself, entertained by his own joke.
Remus gave Draco a strange look as the laugh continued until the boy was in hysterics, rolling around on the floor snorting loudly. Remus shifted slightly away from Draco and said,
"You know Draco, you really should work on that bad-guy laugh. Right know you just sound like an oompa-loompa on helium."
Draco stopped laughing suddenly and started to glare at Remus. Remus shrugged as if to say 'Well…you do sound like one' and then asked,
"Do you know where I could hide out for a bit? Somewhere where Sirius wouldn't be able to find me?"
Draco stroked his chin thoughtfully, carefully eliminating all the places in Hogwarts where Remus could successfully hide from Sirius. Who did Remus take him for – Harry Potter? Why would Draco the Magnificent want to help Remus Lupin?
"I know…" said Draco with a happy glint in his eye, "The Great Hall. At dinnertime. When everybody is there."
Remus thought for a moment, good God! The little bleach-head has a point! Sirius would never show his face in front of everybody out of the fear of arrest!
"Thank you Draco!" Remus smiled then bounded off down the corridor to the Great Hall.
Draco cackled to himself,
"Now, I wonder where I can find Black…?"
***
As Ron and Hermione rode on with the rest of the Fellowshippers, Hermione decided it would be a good time to have a little chat with Ron. It wasn't as if she didn't like him, of course she liked him…I mean they were friends – that's what friends do. But it's just that right now her life was very complicated, and that's why she just couldn't start up a relationship with him. Yes that's it, thought Hermione. Life is complicated. Very. For one, I'm stuck in a book. And if that isn't complicated enough (and it is very complicated, thought Hermione) I'm also trying to strike up a relationship with an Elf, who doesn't seem to realise I'm flirting, so I can make a sexy and mysterious man engaged to a beautiful Elf jealous. So that's why I can't get into anything with Ron. Now all I have to do is to tell him that. Hermione took a deep breath, then whispered, so no one else but Ron could hear her,
"Ron?"
Ron jumped at the sound of Hermione's voice, and his heart flung itself into his throat, where it proceeded to become stuck.
Ron began to choke.
After a couple of minutes of hitting his chest and coughing in an unattractive way (going beetroot red in the process) his heart fell back down to the right area of his body, and he looked hopefully to Hermione.
Hermione blinked in confusion, then looked away saying,
"Nothing…it doesn't matter…"
"Oh." Ron sighed, and then went back to his thoughts of Butterbeer and karaoke.
Later that day, they meet with friends of Strider i.e. more Rangers. They gave Strider a flag from Arwen – which Hermione wasn't at all pleased about. Of course, she did the proper thing and put a spell on it straight away. If Strider were to ride anywhere under a flag, it would be one that Hermione wanted him to ride under. She wasn't being spiteful through this action – it was just that infatuation could do funny things to the brain. Especially to the part concerned with feelings of jealousy.
The small company of horsemen also came with messages from Elrond for Strider. About some paths that sounded all too scary for Ron's liking. And it turned out that Galadriel was the one who told the rangers to find Strider and to help him. But she also sent messages to Hermione, Ron and to Snape.
She gave Hermione the message that the dictionary she had given her does have its use, even though it's never mentioned. It just will take time before its most important scene will come – because that's how all stories go. Strangely.
She gave Ron the message that he should never give up, for often girls are blinded by a man's manly beauty, and that someday Hermione will wake up and see that beauty is on the inside, not the outside. Ron was slightly peeved at this part of the message, because it implied that he was ugly and lacked manly beauty. Galadriel also reminded him that she didn't give him one of her tears just so it could sit in it's little box looking pretty and that he damn well better use it.
She also sent Snape a message, although he wasn't there to receive it. It was simple and short – HAH! Thought my gift was stupid ey? Note it saved you from having the desire to jump into bed with Gandalf!
When this message was read out everybody in the vicinity had very bad mental images.
They took vows to never talk of that message again.
***
The hobbits, Harry and Gollum ended up talking to Faramir, Boromir's brother at some point or another. All they got from Faramir was some information of the outside world, and many warnings not to listen to Harry and Gollum – for Faramir didn't trust the crazed looks in their eyes. Frodo ignored Faramir's words, being the trusting and rather idiotic hobbit that he was. Would you trust two creatures that ate raw fish, hissed on the letter 'S' and always looked as if they were about to murder you? Frodo did. And that, my friends, is what makes him an idiot.
The plan the four had decided on was that they were to head up the stairs of Cirith Ungol, to some caves Gollum knew about named Torech Ungol (Of course, the hobbits were not told the name of these caves, for then they would have realised just how idiotic they were being in following Gollum.) Harry had managed to convince Gollum to take them that way, after he had told Harry of the dangers over imaginary hot chocolate and marshmallows one night. And, being the sneak Harry had turned into, he told Sam and Frodo that they had nothing to worry about- because no one ever went near there.
Of course, he 'forgot' to mention and forbade Gollum from telling the hobbits why no one ever went near there.
***
Draco whistled happily as he walked along with his hands in his pockets, unaware of how much he looked like one of the kids out of the Sound of Music as he did so. His search for Sirius had so far turned out to be unfruitful. He hadn't found the man. So Draco used a little logical thinking mixed in with pinch of nastiness and had decided to go on a trip to visit the kitchens. The house-elves there had been kind enough to cook him up a nice big juicy steak, and Draco figured that there was nothing that a dog would like more than a steak. Draco was now making his way to where he had left this lovely piece of meat a few minutes ago (surprisingly enough his inventiveness for hiding places was rather small – he had left the steak behind the suit of armour he always hid behind) to find out if Sirius Black had found the bait.
Surely enough, a large black dog was happily eating behind the armour when Draco came sauntering up the corridor.
"Black!" Draco shouted loudly, kicking the dog slightly from behind.
Sirius changed back into human form, and Draco looked disgusted as he did so. The between phases are rather disturbing to see.
"Uh…Draco, isn't it?" Sirius gave a nervous smile, knowing that he really shouldn't have just shown the young Malfoy who he really was.
"How did you guess?"
"The bleach," Sirius squinted, "And wow, is it blinding."
Draco took this as a compliment and smoothed his hair with pride, saying,
"I see you found my little treat then."
"Yes…Yes it seems I did," Sirius licked his lips and then looking slightly sheepish asked, "Um, you haven't happened to have seen Remus - Professor Lupin to you, around have you?"
"Oh," Draco put on an innocent face, "I just can't remember…oh no…wait, yes, yes I think I have."
Sirius' eyes lit up,
"Where? Do you know where he might be now? I must find him!"
"I don't really know…I think…think he might have gone to…" Draco paused upon seeing the hungry look in Sirius' eyes then asked, "Waiiiiiit…why do you want to find him anyway?"
"It doesn't matter! Just tell me where he is!"
"No, no…I think it's fair – if you tell me why you want him, I'll tell you where he's gone to." Draco grinned.
Sirius sighed, and his eyes went watery,
"Well, if you must know…" Sirius then bent down and whispered into Draco's ear, "When a man loves another man Draco…Or when a dog gets an itch he can't scratch by himself…well…" Sirius winked.
Draco's face went from a look of laughter to a deathly shade of pale and he took a couple of steps away from Sirius Then pointing up the corridor he said quickly,
"He went to the Great Hall!"
As he watched Sirius run off Draco shivered. Poor Lupin, I wonder if I've done the right thing?
Draco let out a short scream, my God, thought Draco, was that a tinge of conscience? He was really letting himself go if those sorts of thoughts were creeping into his mind. For guilt was not a word in the Malfoy family's vocabulary.
Of course it was the thought after that which worried him most – for on watching him run away, he thought Sirius had a rather cute behind.
***
The caves that Gollum had pointed Harry, Frodo and Sam down stank. And I mean they smelled really bad. Several jokes were made about this at Gollum's expense, and that made him pretty depressed so he ran off, leaving the three to face the darkness of the caves alone. After a few minutes of quiet pondering, Sam remembered one of Galadriel's gifts to him, and pretty soon they were on their way – Sam providing the light through Galadriel's gift.
Several tense and frightening moments occurred all at once – one being that they suddenly found that the caves were covered in huge, sticky cobwebs. The next being that they were completely trapped. The last and indeed most terrifying one being that a huge spider was advancing towards them.
All in all, it wasn't really shaping up to be a very good day.
"What do we do Sam?" Frodo shouted at his companion.
"Um, I don't rightly know master!"
Harry giggled happily; the two silly hobbits were stuck in these caves and were going to die! The spider was going to eat them! And then he would be able to get the ring! Harry danced excitedly.
He then stopped dancing and after a bit of confused thinking, it suddenly dawned on Harry that he was also stuck (with no way out) in a cobweb filled cave with a giant spider coming towards him. Harry sighed quietly,
"Oh bugger."
***
Dumbledore sighed and put The Book down, just in time to see a raven fly in through the window carrying a letter. Before he had even picked up the letter, Dumbledore knew who it was from and chuckling he said,
"Oh Voldie, you and your letters."
On opening the letter though, Dumbledore stopped chuckling and instead turned quite serious…
Dear Albus,
Sorry bout this old chap, but there's been a bit of a turn in events over my way. Turns out Snape may not be loyal to me. In fact, it turns out he's taking orders from you! I didn't want believe it myself, for I always thought that you and I had an agreement that we wouldn't steal each other's 'servants' but Lucius assures me that that's what Draco read in The Book.
I know we said we were going to wait a while before starting up another public war, but my men are snapping at my heels to take you and all your muggle-loving friends out. And to tell you the truth I'm a bit p*ssed off myself. So…see you on the battle lines!
Ciao!
Voldemort xox
P.s. Do you still have my copy of that muggle movie The Sound of Music?
Dumbledore stroked his beard, because he liked the feel of it against his fingers, then said to Fawkes,
"Oh dear. Looks like we have a little bit of trouble on our hands."
Fawkes rolls his eyes; 'a little bit of trouble' was the understatement of the century.
***
END OF BOOK: THE SECOND – BEING THAT OF THE CONTINUING TALE OF THE (NOW BROKEN UP) FELLOWSHIPPERS OF THE RING AND A COUPLE OF TOWERS.
A/N: Gosh. I've finished The Two Towers. May I just say a big thank you to everyone who has been reading this and to those who review, I'm really amazed that I've actually got the number of reviews that I have! And I owe it all to you guys! Thank you!
Digitaru – Hehe! I luv Remus too! Cept I love Snape more…thank you for the review ^_^
Mandy Snape – I don't know which Malfoy who were referring too, but I got an idea for Draco so I wrote him in. Believe me, Remus won't be happy when Sirius arrives at the Great Hall…
Sasery – Thanks for the kudos bar! Aww no more reading? *sniffle*
Charlotte Black – Wait, is that an "I need help email me" or an "I need help because I love clicking on stories to check for updates"? o_0? (Yes you may now call me a thicko lol)
Silver*Chime – Hope you had a nice time on holiday! Thank you for your reviews – I haven't forgotten your scene, I decided that it would be at Dunharrow and will be on your screen soon.
Jaws – Thank you for your last two reviews! Glad you liked the prank!