A/N: Oh okay, I didn't mean to look like I rushed the last chapter Sasery! It's just the whole last chunk of The Two Towers is all Mordor-based, and I didn't really want to spend too much time over all that detail, considering I'd finished the other character's roles in The Two Towers and was ready to move to The Return of the King. But I'll be writing in another bit about Shelob in the next chapter, even though it's meant to be in The Two Towers. Oh well, lol. And don't worry everybody, this fic isn't going anywhere fast…I'm really loving writing it!
(Umm…slight song fic…teehee)
Disclaimer: You should know by now I own none of these characters/places. Please look at previous chapters' disclaimers for more details before you go try to sue my hyper teenage ass. Lyrics taken from the Elephant Love Medley in Moulin Rouge. I don't own the copyrights for that either. But I do adore that scene ^_^
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BOOK: THE THIRD – BEING THAT OF THE CONTINUING TALE OF THE (NOW BROKEN UP) FELLOWSHIPPERS OF THE RING, A COUPLE OF TOWERS AND A RATHER SEXY KING.
***
Hermione felt like her head was about to explode. This was the first time in her life her clever-ass plans weren't working the way they were meant to be working; in fact, everything was falling apart in a rather depressing way. Her recollection of the day's events so far went something like this…
She had decided she would go and visit Legolas, to try and persuade him to go for a walk – as she had seen Strider around and about and felt that it would be a good opportunity to try and make him jealous, by hanging off another man's arm. This was perfect in theory and indeed in practice, up until the point she rounded a corner and bumped into Legolas laughing with another woman…well, after that the plan just sort of became unglued and it's stuffing began to fall out. Ok, thought Hermione, so Legolas never actually said that he and I had anything. Come to think of it, most of the time it seemed like he was trying to tell me that he really didn't want to have anything with me.
But Hermione was hurt all the same, for it's never nice when you're using someone and they end up being the one to get rid of you.
"Legolas!" Hermione let her jaw drop to the floor as she squeaked his name.
Legolas gave her an awkward smile,
"Good morning Hermione…I trust you slept well?"
Hermione blinked in response. Legolas looked to the lady beside him then introduced her as his fiancé to Hermione,
"This is Silverchime."
Hermione blinked a little more. Legolas and Silverchime looked at each other then back to Hermione in silence, and then decided to make their excuses and leave. Hermione blinked at the spot where the two had been standing.
"Oh." She said to no one in particular.
As the day went on, she got over the fact that she couldn't use Legolas as some sort of bait to catch Strider with. Instead, she began to think of other ways to get him. An obvious answer was to stick with the original make-him-jealous plan, except find someone willing enough to take Legolas' place. The need for the plan to be resumed as quickly as possible became apparent when she remembered all about Eowyn – who was just as crazy for Strider as she was. But Eowyn had the advantage of being older, prettier and having known Strider for longer than Hermione. And so the time had come for Hermione to do something she had planned on never doing.
Hermione went to find Ron.
***
Remus sat happily in the Great Hall at the teachers' table. Ok, so the man wasn't a teacher there anymore, but what with Snape gone and all there was a spare seat. As Remus reached across the table to pick up a lovely chicken leg to munch on, he overheard Dumbledore telling McGonagall that the students had to be told. Remus nearly choked on his food. Surely Dumbledore wasn't planning to tell the students about Sirius being here? Or even worse…that Sirius was madly in love with/sexually attracted to/had fallen head over heels for their old teacher that was randomly sitting at the teachers' table – Remus Lupin?
The time to worry about that though was suddenly cut short, as the doors to the Great Hall burst open with a dramatic thunderclap. Sirius Black stood there, and for some reason he was soaking wet and looking very Mr. Darcy from Pride and Prejudice. Several of the students (male and female) fainted at the sight. Professor McGonagall flushed. The We Love Professor Severus Snape club scowled at him – after all, he was one of their mortal enemies. Dumbledore cleared his throat and broke the silence,
"Ah…Mr Black."
Remus sunk lower into his chair, hoping he had been able to hide behind a big plate of potatoes in time. But it was too late – Sirius had already spotted him and had begun to shout out to him,
"Love… is a many splendoured thing!"
"What?" Remus said in a confused fashion. Sirius continued,
"Love lifts us up where we belong! All you need is love!"
"Oh dear God," Remus whispered into himself, then stood up and pleaded, "Please don't start that again!"
"All you need is loooove!"
"Oh come on Sirius! A man has got to eat!" Remus took another bite from his chicken leg.
"All you need is loooove!"
"Or…or he'll end up on the street!" Remus thought for a moment, "Which is precisely what happened to you my friend so I would drop the 'all you need is love' motto – maybe then you'll find a decent flat to live in."
Sirius didn't give up,
"All you need is loooooove!"
Remus sighed and muttered,
"Love is just a game."
Then something entirely expected by everyone happened. Sirius jumped onto the Gryffindor table and pointed to Remus, shaking his hips sexily as he did so, and sang,
"I WAS MADE FOR LOVING YOU BABY - YOU WERE MADE FOR LOVING ME!"
Remus blinked, then turned to Dumbledore. Dumbledore shrugged. The whole hall was now gasping as Sirius began doing a rather bad striptease. Remus was now thoroughly embarrassed by the whole incident and decided that there was nothing for it. He took a small rubber ball out of his pocket and hurled it with such a force that it went flying out through the doors of the Great Hall. Sirius may be lust filled, thought Remus, but there is no power on Earth strong enough to stop a dog from chasing a brightly coloured object. Sure enough Sirius ran out of the Great Hall after the ball screaming, "Gotta catch the ball! Gotta catch the ball!" loudly.
Dumbledore waited until everyone had gotten over the shock of A.) Seeing Sirius Black, a man who most of them knew as a dangerous murderer, and B.) Seeing Sirius Black do a strip tease dance, before he continued with what he was planning on telling the students.
"As you all know, Voldemort is back," Dumbledore watched the whole hall flinch in unison, "But what you don't know is that is he planning to attack the castle tomorrow at 3:30pm sharp with a host of Deatheaters."
Professor McGonagall patted Dumbledore on the back, as if to say 'that's all they need to know' but Dumbledore ignored her and continued,
"You may remember from your studies that he knows some terrible spells. Like one that turns you inside out, so your skin is on the inside and your guts hang out in such a way from your body that you have to carry them in plastic bags at all times. Or that other one that causes your nails to grow inwards, rather than outwards, and your hair to fall out. Oh yes and that amazing one that makes your eyeballs shrivel into their sockets until they look like little teeny tiny raisins… but don't panic," Dumbledore paused, and those students who hadn't already fainted/thrown up yet looked hopeful, "Actually…do panic. It's almost certain he'll use them on every single one of you."
Screaming sounded from every conscious student's mouth at once. Those who hadn't yet fainted/thrown up did so.
Professor McGonagall sighed,
"Albus, I think you may have overdone it with the detail."
***
Ron sat on a windowsill swinging his legs back and forth looking forlorn and thinking of Hermione. From the doorway, a female voice said,
"Hello?"
Ron looked up and saw a blonde-haired lady standing there,
" 'Ullo," Ron replied glumly, "Who are you then?"
"My name is Eowyn."
"That's a pretty name."
Eowyn blushed,
"Why thank you. You're a very sweet boy."
Now it was Ron's turn to blush.
***
By the time Hermione found Ron, he already knew Eowyn's favourite colour, food and which side of the bed she slept on. Hermione tapped Ron on the shoulder as he was laughing with Eowyn,
"Ron, can I have a word," she shot Eowyn a look of hatred, "In private?"
Ron looked to Eowyn, and Hermione saw Eowyn give Ron a knowing look. Ron turned back to Hermione and sighed,
"Sure."
Eowyn knew when she wasn't wanted, so she got up and left the room in search of Strider – to stare at his loveliness. Ron turned to Hermione,
"What is it?"
Hermione bit her lip,
"You know that…thing…we were talking about?"
"What thing?"
"The…you liking me thing."
Ron's face flushed with a look of understanding,
"Yes. What about it?"
"Well…I was wondering…maybe we could…or should…give it a go?" Hermione smiled hopefully, thinking - come on Ron! I'm relying on you to make Strider jealous!
Ron looked at Hermione for a couple of minutes then said quietly,
"No."
Hermione grinned and flung her arms around him,
"Oh thank you Ron!" She then stopped and replayed the last few sentences in her head. Ron looked at the ground. Hermione stuttered,
"Y-you didn't say 'yes'…did you?"
Ron shook his head,
"I'm sorry. You've kept me waiting to long. I don't see the point in bothering – all you're going to do is use me."
Hermione's jaw set,
"Eowyn told you to say that didn't she?!"
Ron shrugged,
"All she told me was how not to get hurt."
Hermione clenched her fists and shouted,
"Fine! Fine, take her advice then, you don't know what you're missing!" Then ran out of the room.
Ron stared after her for a couple of moments, and tried not to let himself cry.
Hermione decided to follow Strider to the paths of the dead, which meant she was one up on Eowyn, seeing as Strider had told her to stay at home for her own safety. But for some strange reason Hermione became extremely jealous when Ron told her that he had decided to stay with Eowyn – for the paths sounded way to freaky for him. She tried to dismiss these 'jealous' feelings as anger, but the more she told herself she didn't like Ron in that way - the more confused she became.
As Hermione mounted her horse, she heard Ron's voice call down from one of the windows,
"Hermioneeeeee! Nooooo! You can't gooooo!"
Hermione smiled to herself, happy that Ron was showing her some attention and replied with a dramatic and tearful answer (because that's what the scene required of her),
"I must go Ron! Don't try to stop me, I won't listen!"
"No! It's got nothing to do with you going, it's just you have my last chocolate frog in your pack!"
Hermione's jaw dropped in anger and disbelief, the boy didn't even care she was going! All he was caring about was his stomach! Hermione took the chocolate frog out of her pack and threw it at the window, hitting Ron with it,
"There's your stupid frog! GOOD-BYE!"
Ron watched as Hermione rode away, rubbing his head, and muttered to himself,
"There was no need for her to be so damn tetchy."
***
Snape felt his hands begin to sweat as he waited for Gandalf to call him in to see Denethor. He felt like he was waiting to be interviewed for a job – and the fact that Gandalf had told him Denethor would ask him many questions (especially about his insane son) didn't make Snape feel any happier. He never did like being asked too many questions, for it always made his left eye twitch uncontrollably.
Gandalf's head peered around the corner of the door,
"Let me make one thing clear Snape, Denethor is not the kindly man the Theoden is. So choose your words carefully – and speak only when spoken to. Though I doubt he will want to talk with you that much seeing as you have befriended a mortal enemy – Sauron. Now hurry up and come on in."
By the time Snape entered the hall Denethor called…well…his hall, Pippin was talking at length about Boromir's death. Upon seeing Snape enter, Denethor raised a hand to silence Pippin and turned to Snape,
"You."
Snape looked behind him, the turned back to Denethor with a raised eyebrow,
"Me?"
"Yes you! Who else would I be talking to? Myself? What do you take me for? A mad-man?" Denethor said irritably as he beckoned Snape to come nearer. Snape obliged and took a step forward. Denethor sighed sadly,
"You too knew Boromir? My son?"
Snape nodded, restraining himself from saying, "I had the misfortune of that acquaintance, yes."
"This hobbit," Denethor waved over in Pippin's general direction, and Pippin grinned and gave Snape a cheerful wave as Denethor continued, "He tells me you were also there at the time of my son's death."
"I was." Snape replied.
"Then tell me, how did he die? How do you remember it?"
Snape gulped slightly and glanced over at Gandalf, who was watching. Crap, thought Snape, just my luck – the old man just had to ask me how Boromir died, didn't he? It's not like I even saw how exactly how he died! Snape remembered clearly how a man wearing glasses had appeared in a puff of smoke, shouted loudly at him and then hit him round the head. Hard. Still, thought Snape, they're not to know that I was knocked out…I can easily lie. Snape went to open his mouth, fully prepared to regurgitate the information that he had learned about Boromir's death from Merry and Pippin, when Pippin chipped in,
"Oh no, Sevvie didn't actually see Boromir die."
"What?" said Denethor, "But you told me that he was there!"
Gandalf raised an interested eyebrow at this little turn of events and watched Snape desperately trying to signal to Pippin, in a bid to keep him quiet. The last thing I need, thought Snape, is for Gandalf to have another reason to laugh at me.
"Yes, Sevvie was there," giggled Pippin, " But before he had the chance to see Boromir a funny little man with glasses popped out of nowhere and hit him over the head with something. He was out cold on the ground before Boromir had even begun to tire!"
Snape grimaced and looked to Denethor, unsure of how the man would react. But, as always, after a couple of moments silence, both Denethor and Gandalf joined Pippin in roars of laughter at Snape's expense. Gandalf patted Snape on the back,
"The Great Wizard, Severus Snape, strikes again! Tell me, have you ever survived one full battle or fight without being knocked unconscious at some point?"
Snape seethed with anger – but held his tongue.
***
Back at Hogwarts, 3:30pm of the next day rolled round pretty darn quickly. By now most of the students had tried to flee the castle, but had been brought back. Every wizard is needed, said Dumbledore, even the young and thick ones. The Quidditch pitch was lined with wizards. On one hand there was Dumbledore's crew and on the other there was a huge bunch of Deatheaters. The two sides kept making faces at each other and hurling insults about the other's mothers. Dumbledore and Voldemort stood face-to-face mid-way between the two 'armies'. Voldemort smiled sadly at Dumbledore,
"Hope this doesn't affect our friendship."
"Of course it will Voldie…but…I'll never forget you…" Dumbledore sniffed sorrowfully.
The two men bowed to each other then proceeded to hold out one their hands in front of them slowly. The surrounding wizards/Deatheaters went wild with excitement and screamed,
"ONE-TWO…THREEEE!"
Voldemort and Dumbledore changed the shape of their hands suddenly and shouted at the same time,
"SCISSORS!" screamed Dumbledore.
"PAPER!" screamed Voldemort.
Dumbledore chuckled,
"Scissors beats paper. I get to strike at your men first!"
Voldemort looked irritated and said frantically,
"Best out of three! Best out of three!"
***
Thank you's:
Digitaru: Heh heh! I don't blame Draco, for Sirius does have a cute ass…!
Mandy Snape: Last chapter was my longest yet! Sorry bout the mental images…teehee!
Sasery: Ooooo, I explained the fastness at the top! ^_^
Anonymous: Lol, glad it made you laugh! Thanks!
Silver*Chime: Ok, it was a rather short scene, but a key one! It's pivotal in Ron/Hermione's relationship! I didn't know what to call you…so I just used your pen name but without the (*) – hope you don't mind!
Elwen Rhiannon: Aha, since I've been writing for SB/RL in this, I have really started loving the pairing! o_0! Never really went for slash before…but now it's all changing…! I ain't forgotten Galadriel either! Promise!
Charlotte Black: Hope you had a good birthday! Ahhh, you need help cause you enjoy clicking on stories, gotcha now :P