A/N: Yes, I know, the chapter has taken longer to write than usual…Shameless Plug Warning… Aha! Yes, it is because I have been writing a brand spanking new fic! It is called 'I Dare Not Ask A Kiss' and it's a SS/HG fic - so run to it all you people who love that pair as much as I do! I promise, it will get good! Snape is accused of murdering Cornelius Fudge! Did he do it? Please read…please? *Puppy-dog eyes*

Disclaimer: I don't own anything that you recognise everything either belongs to Tolkien or Rowling. Just read previous disclaimers please, where I had a lot more detail about how I really own nothing. And I don't own Reg Shoe. The god of fiction that is Terry Pratchett (bow down and YAY I'm getting his new book tomorrow) owns him. I just thought he would provide a bit of entertainment. Nor do I own the dialogue from Truly Madly Deeply…or Voldie and Dumbledore's insults…they are from Monty Python. Don't own the song I Will Always Love You either…Whitney sings that! As you must know…lol

And now, after all that shameless plugging and disclaimering, teehee…is the story…


***

Snape watched as Pippin offered himself to Denethor. Denethor was pretty pleased about this, and swore Pippin to his service. Oh wonderful, thought Snape, now the hobbit looks even better in that man's eyes. Glancing over to Gandalf, Snape saw that he was obviously impressed with Pippin's choice to swear to Denethor – and Gandalf was now waiting expectantly for Snape to do something. Snape pretended that he didn't see Gandalf trying to edge him on, and went outside, muttering to himself.

And then Snape saw a puddle.

But this was no ordinary puddle – oh no, this puddle seemed a little too red for puddles. Snape naturally went over and had a good look at it, then almost had a heart attack when it said,

"Snape!"

Snape jumped back and swore colourfully before speaking sense,

"Sauron? What…what on earth are you doing in a puddle?"

"I have no idea. One minute I'm sitting happily in Mordor wondering how to torture my deformed minions, then the next thing I knew was that I had a strong desire to make puddles a new craze with evil leaders everywhere! So here I am. To converse with you."

"Though a puddle." Snape stated.

"Yes."  

Snape shrugged and quashed the illogical feeling he had about the situation. He didn't believe this type of thing ever happened in Middle-Earth, but then again Gandalf never turned any of the company into bunnies until Snape came along, did he?

"So…what is it that you want to tell me?"

"Well. A couple of things. Firstly, I'd like to know who the little runt hanging around in Mordor is." 

"What does he look like?"

"He has a lightening shaped scar. And he's convinced he'll become a Hero."

Snape's eyes began to twitch uncontrollably. He clenched his fists and said,

"Potter. I should have known he'd worm his way into this…the slimy little rat that he is. Just like his father! Always wanting to be the best! Always wanting to be the hero! He's even travelled to this wretched world to steal my glory! Why," Snape paused and looked to the sky, screaming, "WHY? Why is Severus Snape never ever allowed to be the one that saves the day?"

After a couple more minutes of angsty screaming from Snape, Sauron coughed,

"Um. Anyway…second thing I wanted to tell you is about Denethor. Get on his good side and have a look around."

"Why?"

"He has a very beautiful…paperweight…" Sauron said as cunningly as possible.

Snape looked blank. Sauron rolled his eyes,

"A palantir you idiot!"

"Oh. Gotcha now."

Sauron then disappeared suddenly, on seeing Gandalf walk up behind Snape. Snape poked the puddle with his foot experimentally wondering where his friend had vanished off to. 

"Snape!"

Snape jumped then turned around and faced an angry looking Gandalf. Smiling coolly, Snape asked,

"Yes?"

"How dare you leave the room without permission!"

Snape ignored Gandalf and started to walk back inside. Gandalf looked taken aback and exclaimed,

"How dare you ignore me when I'm talking to you! Don't you dare turn your back to me young man!"

Inside, Denethor and Pippin were having a conversation. Ok, so it was more like Pippin chatting a lot and Denethor emitting moans of "Oh Boromir, my son! Why didn't Faramir go in your place?" but it was near enough to a conversation. Snape walked up to where Denethor was sitting and gave him a pathetic bow,

"Denethor. I offer my services… swear me in."

Denethor looked rather worried and muttered,

"Do I have to?"

Snape looked hurt, but glad. He was about to say, "Fine then, didn't want to be sworn in anyway" when Pippin, as he always did when Snape really didn't want him to, squealed,

"Please swear Sevvie in! He's such a sweet guy once you get to know him!"

Denethor glanced at Snape, unsure as to how the man could ever be sweet. Snape just wondered how he could kill Pippin for applying such a term to the good, respected and steely name of Severus Snape.

"Well," Denethor hesitated for a second then sighed, "Oh alright then. I suppose he could some secretarial work for us…"

Snape gave Denethor a dirty look and said grumpily,

"Woo," then added, "Hoo."

***

Strider began to call out to the oath breakers. The ones that he had to go collect from the scary place that Ron didn't want to go to. Hermione was having the time of her life. Not only was she allowed to ride beside Strider, but also she was getting a good education in the arts of necromancy as she did so. Well, the oath breakers weren't exactly dead...but they did begin to walk spookily like they were extras in Michael Jackson's Thriller. Except they didn't do any cool dance moves. And Michael Jackson wasn't there. Would be great if he was here though, thought Hermione, maybe then he could sing more interesting songs than Strider was coming up with.  Suddenly from somewhere behind Hermione there was a loud shout of,

"What do we want?"

This was promptly followed by uninterested groans from all the oath breakers. Hermione turned around and saw a zombie holding up a large placard baring the words 'Don't take death lying down!'. The zombie grinned at her,

"Reg Shoe, zombie, pleased to meet you."

"What?" Hermione was now feeling very confused. So she decided to ignore the strange decaying man and turn to Strider, now fully geared up for an interesting conversation.

"You know," Hermione started, "I read all about necromancy from the library. Did you know that if you perform the ritual at the exact time and on the exact day you can get away with using an old boot and nail polish for the main ingredients, instead of the expensive and rare dark arts ones?" Hermione nodded to herself, "It's true."

Strider had become used to Hermione's educational and bookwormish conversations and had since learned to just let his eyes glaze over into a daydream when she spoke. As long as he said "Yes" or "How very true" or "Really? How very interesting" every couple of minutes, Hermione was kept happy.

Behind them Reg sighed and dropped his placard, realising that no one cared for what he had to say,

"I bother to come all this way from the Discworld to Middle-Earth - half way across the bloody multi-verse, and what do I get? Hah! A bunch of uninterested living people! And oath breakers who don't even see what I'm doing for them! All I want is to make the term 'dead' politically incorrect and have it replaced with the term 'Vitally Challenged'! But no, all these people want to do is to fight evil and go down as Heroes - never once giving a thought to the politically incorrect structure of their society or caring for the masses."

Reg then disappeared with a little flash, as Tolkien's reality caught on to his presence.

The God of Muggle Fiction (and Sardines) hated when Discworld characters invaded Middle-Earth, for all they ever did was create chaos. Ye gods, they were magnets for the thing.

***

Sirius and Remus hid under a hedge, on the edge of the forest. They were technically meant to be fighting the host of Deatheaters that were presently invading Hogwarts, but as is always the way of the two of them, they chickened out. This wasn't to say that they weren't brave or able to fight. It was just that they…well…they were really freaked out by the black cloaks. They were intimidating and reminded them of death! Which was the whole point of them…obviously. Anyway so the two men sat under the hedge. Sirius was staring lustfully at Remus and Remus was shifting uncomfortably.

"I love you Remus."

Remus gave Sirius a false smile,

"Um. Thank you Sirius."

"I really love you."

"Uh huh."

"I really truly love you."

"Yes."

"I really truly madly love you."

"How flattering."

"I really truly madly deeply love you."

"Gosh." Remus shoved his ass several more inches away from Sirius, who now had drool coming out of one side of his mouth. Sirius continued,

"I really truly madly…"

Remus butted in before Sirius could finish, shouting,

"RIGHT! Ok, I get the message! Now would you just SHUT UP?"

Sirius blinked and fought back his poor puppy-dog tears. He didn't understand - why didn't Remus love him? I mean Sirius had done everything he could think of for the man…he had serenaded him, danced sexily in his general direction for him, and left him chocolates in his bed. Admittedly, Sirius only left the box, because he had got rather peckish on the way to Remus' room but other than that he'd done everything that Sirius knew he ought to do for the one that you loved.

Then it hit him.

Sirius grinned to himself and looked around behind him. Remus strained to see what Sirius was doing, quite frankly scared of what the dog would produce, but was unable to see what was happening. Then Sirius turned round and handed Remus something.

It was a small battered daisy.

Sirius looked sheepish,

"I realised I still hadn't given you any flowers," then looking hopeful he added, "Do you love me now?"

Remus stared at the little flower and thought. He had been rather cruel to Sirius over the last couple of days…and after all it was his fault that Sirius had ended up liking him…

Remus sighed, damned his conscience, then turned to Sirius and smiled,

"You know what Sirius? I'll tell you something - if I was so inclined, you'd be the only guy I'd ever want to fancy me."

"Really?"

"Really really."

Then, the two hugged and it was a happy moment for all. And because of all the pillows running around them happily chanting "Fluff, fluff, fluff!" several people appeared behind them. These several people began to sing loudly at the sight of the men hugging,

"AND IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII – E – IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOOOOOU!"

Remus's ears pricked up at the sound of the singing, and he turned round to glare at the would-be pop stars. As Remus began to shout at them over the atrociousness of their singing he realised that the would-be pop stars were Deatheaters.

And they looked rather angry. For those guys take their singing talents seriously.

***

Harry looked down at Frodo, who looked dead. Giggling happily, Harry began fishing around under Frodo's shirt to try and find the ring. The one thing that would make him famous and make him the hero of the story. It was obvious to Harry that a boy with a lightening scar drawn on with eyeliner was a much more convincing saviour than a short hairy-footed creature that looked scarily like Elijah Wood.

Just as Harry had grabbed the ring from around Frodo's neck, he heard a loud yell that would have made Tarzan look pathetic.

"You get away from my master! And how dare you feel around under his shirt! That's for me to do!"

Harry looked round and saw a mad and rabid looking Sam, Harry glared at Sam as he clutched the ring,

"It's mine! My precioussss! Leave us alone, stupid hobbit! Stupid! Precious needssses his fame, doesn't it? Stupid Sam!"

Sam rolled up his sleeves,

"Right! That's it! You've asked for it!"

Harry blinked, he couldn't remember asking for anything. Before Harry knew what was going on, he saw Sam throw a frying pan at his head. And a second before Harry blacked out completely, he felt the ring being taken from him.

Damn, thought Harry's brain.

***

Picture a window. This window is on the highest tower in Hogwarts. The window is opened slightly (only briefly because it gets chilly up there) and you can see two silhouettes fighting. It's all rather dramatic looking. This is the view all the wizards and Deatheaters can see from the Quidditch pitch. From the window, there was shouting that they could all hear,

"I fart in your general direction!" screamed the Dumbledore silhouette as it waved his wand randomly. The Voldemort silhouette laughed and screamed back,

"Oh yeah? Well your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!"

The Deatheaters and wizards oooooed, then went back to fighting as the window closed.

Up inside the tower both Voldemort and Dumbledore walked away from the window and sat down on a big leather sofa. Dumbledore laughed,

"That was a very good insult."

"Yours was cutting too Albus!"

Both men put their feet up on the coffee table in front of them simultaneously. They were wearing matching 'good' and 'evil' fluffy slippers. Rather like 'his' and 'hers' towels. Except not.

Dumbledore switched on the TV to channel 6, where the Sound of Music was playing. (So what if muggle things didn't work in Hogwarts? This was Dumbledore – he can make anything happen.) Voldemort sniffed,

"I know that they escape in the end…but it still chokes me up every time I watch it." 

Dumbledore nodded, wiping away a little tear as he watched them singing 'Edelweiss' and said,

"I just love that song!"

***

A/N: Ahh. Hello again. Sorry if that chapter wasn't as good as usual! And sorry about Reg Shoe…it's probably only funny if you've read Reaper Man by Terry Pratchett. Which, by the way, is one of my favourite books. Hence the addition of Reg. Blah. Sorry. Lol. ANYWAY, if you want to be contacted when this story updates and you haven't already told me, then tell me in the review! You know you want to! And ideas are always welcomed…especially at the moment! Mail me at oogieboogiesboys@hotmail.com if you have anything you'd like to see happening!

Thanks:

Digitaru – I know what you mean, although this fic is meant to be about S,H&R, I am addicted to writing about Remus+Sirus, and Voldie+Dumbledore!

Mandy Snape – I adore Moulin Rouge too! And I was watching it when I decided to do the Sirius/Remus scene, teehee.

Charlotte Black – Aww! I know Hermione is a bit of a bitch at the moment, but she's just very confused about Ron, lol. And YAY thanks for reviewing I Dare Not Ask A Kiss, that means so much to me!

Mary Snape – Yuppers, you still have a scene! Worry ye not!

Anonymous – Thanks, glad you like the fic!

Sarahduck – Hehe, if you think it's funny, then I am very happy!

Sasery – Repetitive? Nah! Teehee, it's fine! XD XD XD XD XD XD XD!

Jencraw – Glad you liked the twist – I'm quite fond of it myself, ^_^!

Silver*Chime – Hehe, happy to have brought such joy to your life! Wait…damn, does that mean I can't have Legolas now? lol.