A/N: You probably have noticed that I didn't update last weekend – don't blame me. I was stuck in a house with no central heating somewhere in the hills of Ireland. I think my Dad said it had something to do with building character… It was bloody cold. Read I Dare Not Ask A Kiss, please?
Disclaimer: I've been using way too much Monty Python stuff recently. Oh well, they are the Lords of Comedy, how can I not feature them? Well 'Sir Robin…' belongs to them. As usual, the LOTR's and Hp stuff belongs to their respective owners. Look at previous chapters for better disclaimers. You'd be rather uneducated if you think I own anything here but the madness.
***
Harry woke up with a groan, the last thing he remembered being Sam whacking him one. Oh well, on the whole life could have been worse for Harry – for instance, he could have been a child actor. Sitting upright in the darkness, he realised that something wasn't entirely right about the situation he was in. Looking to his left he could make out Frodo lying asleep or unconscious on the floor. Well, thought Harry, it would be just like him to sleep on the job, wouldn't it precious? Harry crept over to where Frodo lay, to see if Sam had gone and given Frodo the ring back. Reaching out to where Frodo's shirt should have been, Harry noticed that something was wrong.
The hobbit was naked.
Harry screamed a scream that was so high pitched that it came out only as a shattering silence. But that was nothing compared to the scream he let out when he realised he was also, as they say, in the buff.
"Eeeeee!" Harry flung himself backwards to get away from Frodo, only to trip up over something. Harry picked this up and stared at it. In the manner of all British students, several questions popped into his head at once, these being…
1. Where am I?
2. Why am I naked with another man beside me?
3. What the hell did I do last night?
4. And why, oh why, am I holding onto a traffic cone?
***
"I hate life, and all because I love a girl." Ron poked at a random flower as he sat slumped on the ground beside Eowyn. She sighed,
"I hate life, and all because I love a man…and because I've been told I'm not to fight. I'm a shieldmaiden! What did they expect me to want to do?"
"I don't know. As far as everyone is concerned I'm only a little boy… with a huge pimple on my forehead," Ron looked up to see if he could see the offending pimple, but his eyes couldn't see that far so he gave up. He continued, "I reckon this came about due to emotional stress. The emotional stress that that girl has caused me."
Eowyn nodded glumly. Ron continued,
"We should do something."
"Do what?" Eowyn asked.
"Well…I don't see why we should have to stay here. I mean we could…you know…sneak away."
"Sneak?"
"Yeah…"
Eowyn thought for a moment, then stood up and stated,
"We will ride into battle."
Ron watched as she ran inside happily then muttered to himself wretchedly,
"I was kind of hoping to ride in the opposite direction…"
Ron shifted uncomfortably on his horse. This wasn't just because he found sitting on the beast uncomfortable, but also because he was being dragged downwards by the weight of the armour that Eowyn had forced him into wearing. The helmet he wore made sure that his face was covered – due to the fact that Ron had a habit of turning beetroot red when he lied. And he would have to lie if he were to go into battle. Rather like lying to get into a pub when you're only 14. He turned to Eowyn,
"Are you sure you want to go out there?"
Eowyn replied in a deep voice,
"Yes."
Ron sighed. From beside them, a familiar voice was heard,
"Hello?"
Ron looked down and saw Merry standing there. Remembering that he was meant to be going incognito, Ron tried to sound more manly than he really was,
"Yes?"
Merry smiled hopefully,
"Do you think I could ride along with you?"
Ron thought for a moment, then replied,
"I don't think my horse could take the strain…"
"Oh." Merry looked crestfallen, then turned to the rider beside Ron. Who was Eowyn…but Merry didn't know this.
"Do you think I could ride along with you?"
"Of course young hobbit." Eowyn replied in her newly found masculine voice. Well, thought Ron, she was quick to take Merry! I would have thought it would have taken a lot more pleading!
Merry clambered up onto Eowyn's horse and hid himself under her cloak – for he didn't want to be caught. From under there, his muffled voice could be heard asking,
"What are your names?"
Eowyn answered with 'Dernhelm' then looked to Ron.
"Ro…" Eowyn shot Ron a look, which said 'Don't you dare say your real name or I will kill you!' Ron had to think quickly, what kind of names did knights have? Was he indeed a knight? Either way he supposed he had to have a brave name, but not overly brave – because otherwise he'd look a bit stupid. He went with the first thing he could think of,
"Robin. The name is Sir Robin…the not-so-brave-as Sir Lancelot."
Eowyn let out a slight laugh, and then rode on. Ron followed, feeling a bit miffed. He thought his name was rather good…far better than Dernhelm in any case. Stupid women, thought Ron, I think I should just give up on them.
***
Hermione was somewhere with Strider. Where? She didn't know. Why? She didn't really care. All she knew was that Strider was doing Hero stuff and that she was dutifully following him like a puppy. But she was finding herself increasingly letting her mind wander into thoughts of Ron. Of course, she'd be the first to tell you that she didn't like him in that way at all. Not at all, thought Hermione, not even a little bit. But then, if she didn't like him, why was she missing everything about him…his cute smile, the little red patches on his cheeks, the way he had no common sense, his lovely laugh, his…Hermione shook herself and looked at Strider to try and stop thinking of Ron. After all, a sexy Strider was enough to make anyone stop thinking of others, right?
Wrong.
She looked at Strider and all she could see was Ron. Hermione thought she heard a far-off chanting coming from behind her and turned around – but there was nothing. She shivered and rode on, still thinking of Ron.
A couple of minutes later, a bunch of pillows arrived chanting,
"Fluff! Fluff! Fl…"
The lead pillow sighed, silencing the other pillows and said,
"Darn, she's gone already. Right boys; let's get back to those love-puppies Sirius and Remus! They're always in need of a bit of fluff!"
***
Remus walked up and down his little jail-cell rattling an old cup against the metal bars, because that is what he had always believed prisoners did. For some unknown reason, Dumbledore was losing. Remus couldn't understand it – he'd always believed Dumbledore to be invincible, but reports were coming in that Voldemort had him locked in the Great Hall and was under his control. Oh well, thought Remus, at least being here gives me time to think over things.
Looking over to where Sirius lay sleeping, Remus rubbed his chin in a refined and smart way. He was rather fond of the old dog, although he didn't really want to admit it. And he did rather enjoy the attention from him…
Oh what the heck, thought Remus, I don't care what people think! I can love who I want to love!
Remus held his head up high and woke up Sirius. Bleary-eyed, Sirius sat up and moaned,
"Ohhh God, have I got a headache of major proportions…"
Remus smiled and sat down beside Sirius,
"Look, Sirius, I have something to tell you…"
"Yeah me too mate," Sirius rubbed his head, "I haven't a clue what's happened the last few days…I must've drunk a hell of a lot…"
"You don't remember any of it?" Remus squeaked.
"No…but I did have a totally whacked out dream about dancing in the Great Hall…"
"Eh, that wasn't a dream."
"Oh," Sirius thought for a moment then said, very slowly, "So…am I right in assuming that…who I was dancing for…wasn't a dream…"
Remus went red,
"I think it's a safe bet."
"Ah."
Remus looked to the ground and winced at the awkward silence. Sirius patted him on the back and said,
"Well, what did you have to say?"
"Oh...nothing…" Remus stood up and gave Sirius a weak smile. It would be just like Fate to do that, thought Remus; Sirius will never love me again…
Ah, it has been said that the course of true love never does run smoothly – but the finish line is always in sight.
***
Snape stared out the window and watched the city being attacked. Gandalf told him that he was, under no circumstances, to fight. Snape's eyes narrowed as he saw a flash of white down below. Hah, thought Snape, he's just scared that I would outdo him – he's just jealous of my skills.
"Sevvie?"
Snape looked over to where Pippin was sitting and snapped,
"What?"
"I was just wondering what you were thinking about."
"I was thinking about why you insist call me ridiculous names, yet manage to call Gandalf his proper one." Snape answered coldly. Pippin shrugged,
"He's Gandalf! And Respect is his first name."
"It is?"
"Well no…but he commands it!"
"Does he?"
"Well no…but he gets it!"
Snape tapped his fingers on the windowsill in irritation then spat out the words,
"Look at him, down there, playing the hero! Playing the good guy! If I wanted to, I could blast the whole host of Mordor into smithereens!"
"Oh yes, Sevvie, I'm sure you could."
Snape spun round and saw Pippin's smiling face. Snape raised an eyebrow,
"I do hope I didn't hear a hint of sarcasm there, I don't know how long I could control myself from murdering you if you've learnt how to use that."
Pippin blinked and thought for a moment, then said blankly,
"What's sarcasm?"
Snape sighed and turned back to looking out the window. Something was happening down below – the men were retreating and running back into the citadel. Snape let out a laugh,
"Hah! What a bunch of cowards!" He moved closer to the window and looked to see if he could see the familiar streak of white that indicated where Gandalf was. He found it running out of the citadel. Snape thought that was awful suspicious. Maybe Gandalf has switched sides? Hearing Pippin open the door and an unfamiliar voice talking hurriedly to the hobbit, Snape turned around to look. As he did so, Pippin closed the door after having said goodbye to whoever the person was.
"Well?" asked Snape.
Pippin grinned,
"Gandalf has gone to save the brave Faramir!"
"What do you mean?"
"He stayed out in the Rear Guard, even when all the men retreated!"
"Really, how wonderful," Snape said through gritted teeth, "And tell me again why Gandalf went to save him?"
"Because…because…"
"Because Gandalf wants to be the frigging Hero!" Snape shouted angrily, letting out all his feelings of being fed up of being stuck inside and letting Gandalf reap in all the glory outside in battle. Snape grabbed his wand and stormed out of the room. Pippin ran after him screaming,
"Sevvie! Sevvie, where are you going? Don't do anything you'll regret!"
Snape growled and shouted back,
"You will soon learn, Took, that I never do anything that I will regret!"
***
Dumbledore sat on a comfy chair in the middle of the Great Hall with a towel around his shoulders. The hall itself was shrouded in darkness, except for one beam of light that shone where Dumbledore sat. He gave out a slight cough and shouted out into the darkness,
"Voldie? You there?"
Voldemort came out of the shadows waving his hands at Dumbledore angrily, and hissed,
"Shush! Don't call me that in front of my minions!"
A voice came out from the darkness,
"Hey! I object to being called your minion, oh my most gracious master, can't you just say 'loyal followers'?"
"No!" Voldemort shouted, "You're minions! Understand? Now shut up before I replace you all with monkeys!"
Another voice in the darkness spoke,
"Um, we already have some monkeys on our side…"
There was a chorus of monkey-type noises. Voldemort rolled his eyes and growled,
"Would you all just be quiet and let me do what has to be done?"
Dumbledore gave Voldemort a bright grin and asked,
"Yes, I would like to know what exactly is going on!"
"We're winning Albus. My men," there were several hoots from the monkeys, and Voldemort continued, "My men and … monkeys… are winning. You are losing – do you understand?"
"Yes…"
Voldemort raised his hand and shouted,
"Bring in…The… Jaw-Grinder!"
The assembled Deatheaters oooooed in terror, as the door opened slowly to reveal a truly horrific sight.
"Hola my merry men!"
Gilderoy bounded into the room with a pink suitcase on wheels following him. Voldemort hit his hand off his head,
"I asked you to bring in The Jaw-Grinder!"
Wormtail cowered,
"Um…Lockhart was the best we could do at such short notice."
"Very well…" Voldemort signalled to Gilderoy, "You! Do your worst…but do not kill Dumbledore! That must be left for me to do!"
Gilderoy giggled and opened his pink suitcase. Dumbledore raised a confused eyebrow and whispered to Voldemort,
"Your methods of torture have certainly changed over the years."
"Oh shut up Albus!" Voldemort muttered then stormed off. Dumbledore turned to Gilderoy, who was pulling something out of his suitcase. Gilderoy looked at Dumbledore with a grin and said, with a crazed look in his eye,
"Oh, I have waited so long to do this…"
From outside all that Voldemort could hear was Dumbledore's screams. He sniffed sadly and whispered to himself,
"He must be getting…The Perm…"
***
A/N: Shall have Chapter28 up on Friday! I've started putting up notes to you readers in my bio, about updates/progress etc. Just in case you ever wonder why a chapter isn't up or when it will be – look there ^_^! Also if you want emailed when I update just leave your address in the review box! Thanks!
Thanks to:
Digitaru – Hey the pillows rock! Whooo! Go Fluff!
Sasery – Lol, Snape/Sauron make a good pair…there shall be more of them heh heh.
Mandy Snape – I love tartar sauce! It's nice ^_^ ! I am so weird…
Charlotte Black – I write in Microsoft Word then save it as Html. Dunno why it goes funny on you…sorry:(!
Tigerlily – Thanks! Glad you found it fun ^_^!
Silver*Chime – Hehe, you better lend Legolas to me!
Copper Fire – Yes, yes it is weird. Like me!
BuffyAB – I know! I want Remus and Sirius to have puppies too! Well, there's time enough yet…
Daine – Oh I know it's wrong. And on so many different levels too!
Jencraw – Ohhh, Snapely fashion ey? Well how can I refuse to update! *updates*