A/N: *Author hangs head in shame, complete shame* I was beaten in a Harry Potter quiz by a 9 year old. I am not worthy to call myself a fan…*cries*

Sorry about the lateness of this chapter…I did not have a good last weekend. It was rather crap actually and I felt too depressed to write! Freaky. I'm never too depressed to write lol. But I've made this a longish chapter so I hope you're all happy! Though I don't think some of the scenes are as good as previous ones…oh well.

Disclaimer: Check previous chapters, and hell, use your brains - John Cleese belongs to himself…or so I assume. And the foot belongs to Monty Python! Nor do I own Pinocchio, but I don't know who does – so don't sue!

***

Snape stormed out of the main doors of the building and across the courtyards of the citadel to find himself standing in front of Gandalf and an ill looking Faramir. Gandalf's eyes widened at the sight of Snape, and he screamed,

"What are you doing out here? I specifically told you to stay inside and keep an eye on Denethor!"

Snape gave Gandalf a cold smile,

"That's just what you want me to think."

"What are you on, man? I don't want you to think anything! Just do what is necessary!"

Snape rolled his eyes as Gandalf sighed angrily, and said,

"I know your game Gandalf! You just want me to stay inside so YOU can steal all the glory for yourself! So YOU can be hailed as the great wizard!"

Gandalf growled,

"You idiot! I don't care about glory! All I care about is the safety of Middle-Earth! And right now that includes the safety of Denethor! Who I asked you to look after because he is…driving…himself…mad! I needed you inside to keep an eye on him to keep his insanity under control or prevent it!"

Snape looked at Gandalf's red and angry face. He thought for a moment. Now that he came to think about it, Denethor was starting to show a few loony-bin worthy signs of insanity… Snape gave Gandalf a weak smile and muttered,

"Oh."

Suddenly an awfully scary looking guy rode up the gates and spurred violently on his horse. He grinned and yelled,

"Prepare to die at the hands of the whole host of Mordor!"

Gandalf turned to Snape and with an angry smile said,

"I am going to take Faramir to his father. You can have your glory." Gandalf gave Snape a quick smile then rode off with Faramir. Snape growled under as he watched Gandalf disappear among the soldiers. He would have kept staring after Gandalf angrily if it hadn't been for a cough from behind him. Spinning round, Snape came face-to-face with the Witchking that had told Snape he was about to die. The Witchking looked like he was smiling, if that were at all possible, and said,

"Sauron wishes me to pass a message on to the one you call Snape."

"That's me."

"Well then, Snape, Sauron wants you to know that he is hurt emotionally – you said you would get in touch with him and you haven't," the Witchking sighed and muttered, "You're all the same aren't you? You think Sauron is a big tough guy with no feelings so you just use him and leave him! Well I'll tell you something he has got feelings, and right now they are trampled on, you hear me? Trampled on!"

Snape blinked, as if trying to get his head around what the Witchking had just said, then said with deliberate slowness,

"Are you trying to imply that myself and…Sauron…have some sort of…romantic relationship?"

The Witchking thought for a moment then gave Snape a hopeful smile,

"Um…possibly?"

Snape felt his stomach heave and he spat out the words,

"Ugh…I'll try and talk to him tonight," Snape rolled his eyes and added to that sentence by whispering into himself, "To make sure this ridiculous notion of romance between him and I is nipped in the bud before it's too late…" Snape waved his hand dismissively to the Witchking,

"Just…just go fight somewhere else will you? And try and make it look like you're running away because I've scared you."

The Witchking nodded and rode away screeching. In the distance Snape could see the Riders of Rohan charging onto the battlefield - and about bloody time too, thought Snape.

***

Voldemort sat in Dumbledore's office, tapping his fingers on the desk. The experience of winning over Dumbledore was a new one to Voldemort – and not one he was very comfortable with yet. Voldemort gave his chair an experimental swivel. Having decided that swivelling was great fun; he began to make himself twirl round really, really fast regardless of the horrible sick feeling he was getting in his stomach.

"Wooooooooooooooohooooooooooooooo!"

Voldemort giggled happily and kept twirling. The door opened slowly and quietly, so that Voldemort didn't even notice. Wormtail stood there and blinked, then cleared his throat,

"Ahem. My Lord?"

Voldemort stopped suddenly and looked to Wormtail who was, for the present, several Wormtails – due to the fact that Voldemort was dizzy as hell.

"Wormtail! How long have you been standing there!?" Voldemort screeched. Wormtail shrunk away from Voldemort and said quietly,

"Um…Long enough my Lord."

Voldemort growled,

"If anyone hears of this I will put this quill," he picked up a quill, which was pretty damn big by quill standards, then continued, "Somewhere which hasn't seen the light of day in a very long time…do you understand?"

"Yes master, I understand perfectly master. In fact I have some very graphic images in my mind as to that understanding!"

"Good," Voldemort thought for a moment, " Eww, no – not good! Don't you ever talk of such graphic images again, Wormtail!"

"My Lord." Wormtail bowed in agreement.

After a minutes disgusted silence, Voldemort snapped,

"Well? Why did you interrupt me?"

Wormtail slunk forward and set a letter on the desk and gave an explanation,

"Here is a copy of the Victory Letter of Doom we have just sent to every wizarding household in the country, I thought you may wish to read it my Lord."

Voldemort grabbed the letter and read it out aloud,

" 'Witches and Wizards throughout Britain – Good day to you'," Voldemort frowned, "I don't remember telling you to write down 'good day'!"

"Eh, you did master, you told me it would make you seem more benevolent than you actually are – lulling them into a false sense of sec…"

Voldemort cut in,

"Yes, yes, whatever you say Wormtail!" Voldemort cleared his throat and continued with the letter, " 'Most of you will know who I am, and those who don't soon will. I am Lord Voldemort, and I have taken control of Hogwarts and have imprisoned your beloved Professor Dumbledore. One of my many men will be along soon to either sign you up to join my muggle-hating gang or to horribly mutilate you. Mwahahahahahahahahaaaaaa!' " Voldemort scratched his chin and asked, "Why did you write down my laugh?"

"It was a very good evil laugh my Lord. I felt that others might like to share in its wholesome wickedness."

"Ah. I see." Voldemort discarded the letter as he walked over to the window to look out with pride across the grounds of Hogwarts. He then turned to Wormtail,

"And the birds being used to deliver the letters? I suspect you sent them via our usual breeds? Vultures and the like?"

Wormtail gave a weak smile as he tugged helplessly at his clothes and muttered something unidentifiable. Voldemort blinked,

"Pardon? Could you raise your voice a little?"

"Erm…not exactly my Lord…at such short notice it was impossible to get the number of birds required for delivery so I thought maybe I could…perhaps that…umm…"

Voldemort lunged at Wormtail and by grabbing his robes shoved him up against the wall. He hissed,

"Wormtail, please let me that you aren't sending my Victory Letters of Doom with what I think you're sending them with?"

"Well…I…I thought…after all the work I…I…I've spent…spent on their breeding…" Wormtail stuttered madly, then found the voice to say, "I…I…I sent them via my Evil Army of Budgies master…"

Voldemort's right eye twitched violently as he let Wormtail drop to the floor.

***

Somewhere out in the Pelennor fields there was a loud crash. Theoden had fallen, or rather his horse had fallen, and unluckily for him it had squished him in the process. From under the heavy body of said horse, came a muffed groan of,

"Ouch. Damn, and I was one of the nicer characters and all…"

The Witchking let out a long and piercing laugh, then screamed,

"No man shall ever defeat me!"

Ron hid behind his shield, not really in the mood to argue with that statement. Ron knew that there was a time to fight, and there was a time to run away and hide. As such, Ron had never yet experienced the time to fight for he always too busy trying to look for something that lay in the opposite direction from the danger. It's not like he was a coward – he just knew that running away and living was significantly better than being killed in some disgusting and painful way. But Eowyn – stupidly, in Ron's opinion, rushed forward eagerly,

"See here!" She screamed ripping off her helmet (those who didn't already know that Dernhelm was a she - and that the she was, in fact, Eowyn - gasped),

"I am no man, I am a woman!"

The Witchking paused for a moment to think about this. Then, unimpressed, shrugged and booted her out of the way by slashing her with his sword. Well, thought Ron as Eowyn lay unconscious on the ground, that didn't go as planned… The Witchking then turned to Merry, who in a moment of bravery screamed,

"I am no man, I am a hobbit!"

The Witchking rolled his eyes as the hobbit ran forward waving a sword, then knocked Merry to the ground. Ron felt his legs turn to jelly, and had an awful sickening feeling that he was the next on the list. Then, from out of absolutely nowhere, a little boy ran up, in a scarily disjointed manner, to the Witchking waving an angry fist. The Witchking raised an eyebrow in curiosity and bent down to look the strange boy in the face. The boy screeched,

"I'm no man…but I…I…I'm a real boy!"

Suddenly the boy's nose grew with some serious speed and poked the Witchking in the eye. Ron blinked and watched as the Witchking, in a fierce rage, cut the boy up into little tiny pieces. Once he'd done that he laughed and turned to Ron,

"I shall use his body as firewood!"

Ron stood open-mouthed and squeaked,

"You just killed Pinocchio! You…you big…big…brute!"

"Aren't I just?"

"But… think of the children!"

"Why?"

"I…I don't know! Because they liked Pinocchio!"

"What did he ever do for the children?"

"Well…he…he…he taught them not to lie out of fear of their nose growing abnormally large!"

"Oh." The Witchking's mind raced through several thoughts, "Did Snape lie a lot when he was young?"

"Um…I'm not s-sure…" Ron stuttered, "Why?"

"Well it would certainly explain that disgusting thing in the middle of his face!" The Witchking let out a piercing laugh. After several minutes of catching his breath from laughing so hard and once the conversation between him and Ron had truly died, the Witchking whistled innocently and looked at his sword. Ron winced.

Then, just as the sword was swung round in aiming to chop Ron's head clean off, something terribly strange but altogether expected happened. A giant foot came out of the sky and squashed the Witchking.

"Um." Ron looked around the battlefield at everybody. Everybody else looked back at Ron in shock. From behind him, Ron heard a voice exclaim,

"Ah-ha!"

Ron jumped when he saw that it was John Cleese and stammered,

"B-but…"

"Yes, yes, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking: why are seedless grapes seedless? Well lad, it's all down to sex…"

Ron shook his head in disbelief as John spoke then cut in with,

"No, I was just thinking about how the hell a big foot can just appear out of the sky!"

"Oh…that." John looked slightly crestfallen, then perked up and said, "Well it's quite simple my dear boy; you stole a name from us, didn't you? Oh yes, you called yourself Sir Robin the not so brave as Sir Lancelot. Through this action you managed to rip a hole in the fabric of the universe causing other things from the Python world to break through. Hence the foot."

Ron nodded even though he had no idea what John was talking about. John grinned insanely,

"But remember you won't always have a giant foot to kill people! Oh no, not at all!"

"Really?" Ron said still slightly dazed from this whole experience.

"Yes…really," John leaned forward and winked as he pulled something out of his pocket,

"But these…arm yourself with these…for these…THESE are bloody deadly weapons!"

Ron watched as John Cleese then ran away into battle screaming and brandishing a banana.

Sometimes, thought Ron, I think that I may be going a bit dotty.

Just a bit.

***

Sirius stood with his head against the bars of the cell he and Remus were trapped in. The two had sat in silence since Sirius had woken up and remembered what he thought he had dreamed.

Merlin's beard, thought Sirius, I can't really have done all those things…the stripping…and the singing…

Sirius winced remembering several other things that, for parental guidance's sake, he had done under cover of darkness and out of the public eye. Sirius knew he had to get out of the cell, if only to find other people to talk with - for the uncomfortable silence was becoming hard to bear.

"Meow."

Remus ran over to the doors of the cell where Sirius stood and looked out into the darkened corridor.

"Sirius – Did you hear that?"

"I didn't hear anything. Probably just a figment of your imagination Remus – these dungeons could drive a man insane."

"No! I definitely heard a noise!" Remus grabbed at the bars and squinted into the darkness looking for a face. After a couple of seconds of strenuous staring Remus gave up.

"ME-ow!"

Sirius perked up and whispered,

"I heard that!"

The two men looked down simultaneously and saw a rather irritated looking cat sitting on the other side of the bars. Remus blinked and whispered,

"Minerva?"

The cat rolled it's eyes exasperatingly and pushed both Remus' and Sirius' wands under the door. Sirius grinned as he picked us his wand and kissed it,

"Hallelujah!"

Remus smiled and pointed his wand at the lock whispering,

"Alohomora!"

Up the corridor the Deatheater on duty sat on a little wooden chair reading "Sexy Hags with Broomsticks!" (A/N: Take that whatever way you want. It's your mind's fault not mine - heh heh) He was so engrossed with the fascinating full-colour pictures that he didn't even notice the two fully grown men with wands sneaking up from behind him. Out of all the spells that Sirius could have used, he decided to settle with just picking up a nearby rock and whacking the Deatheater one around the head. Remus rolled his eyes,

"You could have done that with more style."

"Oh I know," Sirius shrugged, "But I was worried I'd ruin the magazine if I used a spell."

Sirius picked up the Deatheaters copy of "Sexy Hags with Broomsticks!" and popped it into his pocket. Remus looked disgusted, yet decided to just ignore it. He whispered,

"We have to find Dumbledore…"

Sirius nodded in agreement.

***

Snape walked proudly into the room where Gandalf was tending to Faramir and gave him a superior smile as he said,

"The Witchking has left the gates – he is now elsewhere."

Gandalf blinked in surprise,

"You were able to get rid of him? And just what did you do?"

"Gandalf, don't patronise me! I have had experience with evil forces in my time – I am no amateur! I used skill, wit and power…"

Gandalf nodded and gave Snape a smile and said,

"Aha. You threatened to strip then, did you?"

Gandalf laughed at his own joke and turned back to Faramir. Snape then did what he always did – he scowled and left the room to find someone that HE could make fun of.

Namely Pippin.

***

Remus rounded the corner slowly and cautiously. Up ahead he could see the doors to the Great Hall, where he assumed that Dumbledore was being held hostage. Don't ask why he did, he just had one of those gut feelings. That and he had overheard a couple of Deatheaters talking about it a minute ago. Sirius gasped,

"They have guards on the doors!"

"Yeah, because they would be stupid enough to leave the place unguarded…" Remus gave Sirius a sarcastic look. Sirius pointed,

"Well…they're stupid enough to make the guards those three."

Sitting in front of the huge doors were Draco, Crabbe and Goyle. Crabbe and Goyle were stuffing themselves, and Draco was looking at himself in a mirror – a hair had fallen out of place. It was all rather distressing for him.

"Crabbe! Goyle!"

The two boys turned to look at Draco, who continued,

"Did you hear that?"

"Whassh?" Crabbe asked, his mouth full of cake. Draco scowled and said slowly,

"That…that sniggering noise…like someone is laughing at us!"

"That could be because someone is laughing at you." Sirius said as he stepped out of the shadows with Remus at his side. Draco stood up and pulled his wand out, then signalled to Crabbe and Goyle to do the same. Draco pointed his wand at Sirius and said,

"We have you outnumbered!"

"Oh please! Like you know even half of the spells we know! You're just ickle babies in the world of magic!" Sirius began to laugh hysterically. Remus pushed past him and said,

"Move out of the way Barbie. You and your pet monkeys couldn't stop us even if you tried."

"Oh yeah?" Draco said.

"Yeah." Remus replied blankly, then added, "By the way you do know your hair is slightly wonky on the left, don't you?"

Draco gasped then grabbed his mirror before he ran away screaming,

"I'm going to the bathroom to get some more…umm…gel…Crabbe, Goyle, fight them!"

Remus waited for a moment after Draco had left before he turned to face Crabbe and Goyle. Sirius was still in fits of laughter.

Remus gave the two Slytherins an impassive smile and said,

"Boo."

Crabbe and Goyle both let out a squeal before passing out. They fell with such a thud onto the floor that the doors of the Great Hall opened. Remus and Sirius moved closer to the doors and looked through the little gap between them.

They saw…Dumbledore.

Sirius let out a choked whisper,

"Oh dear Merlin…what…what have they done to him…? He wasn't meant to go… not like this…not like this…"

***

A/N: Thank You's:

Mandy Snape – The perm is indeed frightening…I have had experiences with them…*shudders*

Digitaru – Lol, I have a lot of romance in this actually, you're right! And as for the Remus/Sirius situation…well…you'll have to wait and see!

Moustachegirl – No, you probably don't want to know why. Ohhh don't worry – they were just stripped of their possessions by orcs. Well, that might be what they want us to think…

Anonymous – Thank you!

Charlotte Black – I know! Remus and Sirius do make a great couple! We're gonna see lots more of that heh heh! (Thanx also for reviewing MmmMmmMmmMmm lol!)

Sasery – LOL! I will have more of those pillows. They are so damn cute!

Snakecharmer – Lol, yay Snape!

Silver*Chime – Legolas shall be in it again soon! Thanks ^_^!

Kitsunelover – Aww thanks! And don't worry I know my grammar (especially) isn't the best lol!^_^

I_Love_Da_Horsy – Oh with a threat like that how can I not keep updating? Hehe!

SuperDuck – Thanks for reviewing and adding me to fav authors! Whenever you start posting fics tell me, I'd love to read some of yours!

Kuja's Apprentice – I know he is rather miserable isn't he? Not to worry, he'll cheer up sometime!