A/N: I have exams on Monday, and yes, I have successfully done sweet F A as far as revision is concerned. But I have written a new chapter ^_^! But some may find it rather depressing. Don't worry though! It'll all be ok, I promise!

And don't laugh at my attempt at Hagrid's words. His dialogue is a mystery to me.

Disclaimer: Please check previous chapters dearies.

***

Molly Weasley sat at her (very cluttered) kitchen table reading over a letter that she had just received. Beside her, a cute little budgie chirped and pecked at her arm in a rather non-intimidating way. The budgie felt confused, the woman he was pecking was not screaming or seemingly in any pain at all. This had never happened in Evil Budgie Training Camp. He had come in top of his class at intimidating pecks, and yet in practice his pecks were not having the desired effect. Oh well, thought the little budgie, at least she gave me some cake…Master Wormtail never gave me any cake.

Molly smiled and passed the letter she was reading to her husband as she said happily,

"Arthur! Isn't this a nice letter? You-Know-Who wishes us all a good day!" She took a sip of her tea, then continued, "Of course, he's going to have us all horribly mutilated, but I really do believe that underneath it all he's not such a bad chap," She sighed, "It was probably his bad upbringing that led him to be like this…poor little lamb."

"Quite." Arthur read the letter then set it down. He then thought for a moment before saying,

"Molly? Have you heard from Ron recently? It's just I have a vague nagging feeling that I haven't…"

"Oh yes, he was sucked into a book."

"Oh right I see."

Molly gave a dismissive wave,

"But Professor Dumbledore has assured me that this is perfectly normal and that it happens all the time."

Arthur sighed happily,

"Good old Dumbledore! I wonder how he's getting on? Especially now that You-Know-Who has taken control of the castle."

"Yes, one does begin to wonder what on Earth all the students are doing."

***

Snape watched as Denethor paced back and forth in the room that Gandalf had told them to stay in. Denethor had begun to show an alarming obsession with fire. It was understandable that he should be slightly crazed, seeing as he'd lost Boromir, and now he was losing his other son, Faramir.

"Lord," Snape stepped over to Denethor and gave him a cold smile, "I can guarantee that I have the power to heal your son…if only you would let me…"

Denethor narrowed his eyes and snapped,

"He is dying! Burning! You cannot heal him! You shall not!"

"But if I could just…"

"No!" Denethor shouted, cutting Snape off mid-sentence. Snape looked to Pippin, who simply shrugged. Snape sighed,

"Then if I may, I would strongly suggest that perhaps you should replace this…unhealthy…obsession with fire with something…less threatening?"

Denethor's eyes darted from left to right in a scary, shifty manner. After a couple of minute's silence, Snape decided that the shifty eyes were Denethor's answer to his suggestion,

"Quite…" Snape gave Denethor a sarcastic smile, "Perhaps you could take up…knitting?"

Pippin pulled on Snape's robes, causing Snape to turn round,

"Yes?"

"Umm…couldn't Denethor then use his knitting needles as a weapon? He could skewer himself and Faramir with them."

Snape looked mildly impressed,

"Congratulations Took, I do believe that's the second intelligent thing I've heard you say within the space of a few weeks," Snape sneered, then added, "Ten points to Slytherin."

"Yay!" Pippin looked happy with himself then turned, along with Snape, back to Denethor.

"What about…" Snape thought for a moment, "Stamp collecting?"

"What are stamps?" Pippin gave Snape a confused look. Snape cursed under his breath,

"Damn. No stamps in Middle-Earth." Snape searched his brain for other obsessions that Denethor couldn't use to kill himself or anybody else with. That man, thought Snape, is unstable – and I thought Gandalf was bad!

Pippin and Snape both adopted the well-known 'I'm thinking' pose. This being: one hand on the chin and one foot tapping the ground with considerable speed. As this went on, neither of the two noticed as Denethor let out an insane giggle and ran out of the room. Snape was probably going to regret forgetting to lock the door when he found this out.

"What about…train-spotting…no…that also wouldn't work…no bloody trains…" Snape's eyebrow's lowered even deeper in thought. Pippin raised one of his hands slowly,

"Umm…what about darts?"

Pippin slunk backwards as he found himself being the receiver of one of Snape's most unbelieving looks.

"Took…" Snape said slowly, "We're trying to think of non-dangerous hobbies…you stupid hobbit! He could poke out people's eyes with darts!" Snape let out an irritated sigh, "20 points from Gryffindor!"

Pippin frowned then bit his lip. Snape ignored him, I hope the points I'm giving and taking away are getting through to Hogwarts…if so, by the time I get back Gryffindor will be so far behind in points that Slytherin'll be well on their way to winning the House Cup!

"Um." Pippin cleared his throat.

"Shush! I'm thinking!" Snape snapped back at him.

"But…"

"But what?!"

"Ehh…Denethor…Denethor…well, he's gone, Sevvie."

Snape spun around and saw the door ajar, with no Denethor to be found. He sighed,

"Bugger."

Snape pulled out his wand and walked towards the door, before he left he heard Pippin say in a small voice,

"Umm…"

"What now?!"

"Well you see…he's taken my tinder-box…"

Snape literally had to fight back his anger as he asked,

"And…why…was…your…tinder-box…not…in…your…pocket?"

"Ehh…Denethor wanted to have a look at it a few minutes ago and I thought…"

Snape let out a low growl, making Pippin decide to just stop the sentence there, for he had a feeling that Snape wasn't really in any mood for hearing what he thought. In a last ditch effort to lighten the mood, Pippin gave Snape a bright smile and said,

"Gandalf isn't going to be too pleased with us, is he Sevvie?"

Snape grabbed Pippin suddenly by his coat and brought his face so close to Pippin's that Pippin could feel the angry heat of Snape's (surprisingly) pale cheeks upon his own,

"If you would like to survive to see another day…Took, I would strongly suggest that you shut your oversized mouth before I sew it together myself!"

Pippin gulped then clasped his hand firmly over his mouth, determined never, ever, to speak again.


***

"Dumbledore!" Remus shook the Professor violently, in an attempt to wake him up. Sirius stood several steps away with tears rolling down his cheeks,

"Just…just…look what they've done to him…" Sirius burst into another fit of girly crying. Remus sighed angrily,

"Pull yourself together Sirius! We have to get him out of here!"

Sirius sniffed and wiped his nose on his sleeve,

"You're right…"

"Of course I'm right!" snapped Remus, beginning to feel rather faint, "Now come on, we'll carry him to where no one would think of going…"

"Where's that?" asked Sirius as he lifted Dumbledore's legs, with Remus holding onto Dumbledore's arms.

"Snape's dungeon of course! For why would anybody want to go there?"

Sirius shrugged,

"True, true."

As Sirius opened the door to the dungeon, he called out a small 'hello?' into the darkness. Through the gloom, he could make out several shapes. Suddenly (by magic, surprisingly enough, seeing as the room was filled with magical folk and all that) the room was filled with light. Sitting around the place was everybody Sirius had hoped they would find. Hagrid grinned,

"Yer smart coming down 'ere! How'd yeh know we'd be 'ere?"

Sirius smiled,

"I think Remus had a hunch."

As Remus and Sirius entered the room, everyone gasped, for they saw Dumbledore for the first time since Voldemort had taken him away for torture. Professor McGonagall threw her hands to her mouth,

"Oh Albus! Albus! What have they done to you?"

What had they done indeed? They had unleashed a terrible monster, known of course as Gilderoy Lockhart, upon Professor Dumbledore. Unknown to everyone, he was in fact a beauty-school dropout. All he had ever wanted to do was to paint nails, moisturize faces and cut hair. But instead he ended up stealing people's far-fetched stories. Just goes to show that your dreams never do come true kids.

And so Dumbledore sat there, still unconscious, with blue-rinse granny style permed hair and a braided beard. His eyebrows were waxed to a perfect arch, his blackheads had been removed, his skin was as silky as a baby's bottom (not that anyone there knew what a baby's bottom felt like, thank you very much) and his nose and ear hair had been trimmed. There was also some lovely little butterfly shaped clips in his beard, making Dumbledore look…well…scary.

Professor McGonagall tore her eyes away,

"I just can't look at him any longer…"

So Hagrid did what he had to do - he threw a random bed sheet over Dumbledore's head so no one had to look upon the horror of the old man. Remus sighed and slumped on to a seat, looking pale. Hagrid grinned,

"Yeh'll be pleased to know I've sent for help from Madame Maxime…with her on our side we'll be unstoppable!"

Hagrid nudged Sirius and winked,

"She can crack coconuts 'tween her thighs, so I can't wait to see wha' she'll do to those Deatheaters heads!"

Sirius shuddered in disgust and looked to Remus, expecting the same reaction. Instead Remus was staring intently at his hands. Sirius raised an eyebrow,

"Remus, what's wrong?"

"I…I don't mean to alarm anyone…but what with all the excitement…I've quite forgotten to take my…"

Sirius looked down at Remus' hands as his friend's voice trailed off into a whisper. Sirius eyes drew wide in realisation.

Fur was beginning to cover his hands at a very rapid pace.

***

Ron grinned; he was quite getting the hang of handling his sword. Swinging it round in one heavy swoop, he cut an orc's arm clean off. I think we may be winning, thought Ron, maybe…well, possibly…Ron thought again, actually probably not. A wail from his fellow soldiers sounded suddenly,

"The Corsairs of Umbar! The Corsairs of Umbar! All is surely lost!"

"We are out-numbered if the pirates have joined with Mordor!"

Ron sagged as he heard a strong Scottish accent scream,

"Dooooooooomed! We're dooooooooomed!"

Sailing down the river were boats baring black sails. Ron sighed,

"Oh Hermione…where are you?"

Ron fought in a blur, deep in his thoughts. He hadn't heard from Hermione at all, not that it was possible, but still – anything could have happened…right? For all he knew she could be injured or lost…

…or dead, added Ron bitterly.

He loved her, he knew he did. He had never felt this way about anyone – he loved Hermione even more than Kylie's bum! And from what he gathered, every male seemed to love that bum. But Ron didn't. Not when Hermione was called into question. He loved the way she smiled, her frizzy hair, her beautiful smart-ass comments, the way her teeth used to look like chipmunk's teeth…

…damnit, thought Ron, I just love her. And she's probably gone forever…

At this point in Ron's special angsty scene an orc hit him over the head with the handle of an axe, knocking him unconscious.

Well, he was asking for it.

Hermione ran into the battle, far ahead of Strider, for she no longer cared for the man. There was only one person she wanted to find and that was Ronald Weasley. Her heart was racing faster than it ever had done as she pushed and fought her way through the battle, using what spells she knew to get rid of any orcs in her way.

"Ron! Ron where are you?!"

Hermione could hardly see for the masses, and was now wondering if Ron was dead. He never was a good fighter, damn him, thought Hermione, if he's died on me I'll never forgive him for not taking up on Strider's offer to teach him how to use a sword!

Then she saw it, a flash of red hair amongst the bodies.

Oh no, thought Hermione, trust me to speak to soon…

Hermione rushed over to where Ron lay and threw herself down beside him, breaking her wand in the process. She sighed angrily and threw it aside, not caring. Taking Ron by the shoulders, she shook him,

"Ron? Ron! Are you alive? Oh please say you are!"

Ron remained still, and under all the armour he was wearing Hermione was unable to tell if he was breathing. She also lacked the common sense to check for a pulse. Of course, that's just because she needed to not be as smart as previously thought so a dramatic scene could take place.

Tears rolling slowly down her cheeks she grabbed Ron's sword and stood up, and began to hack away at every orc that passed her. Some of those defenceless orcs could have gone on to lead a good life. But no, a rage-filled Hermione killed them all. In the memory of all good battle scenes lined with such depressiveness, time moved slowly. That is to say, the world went in slow motion before Hermione's eyes as the adrenaline rushed through her body, and the pain filled her heart. She fought until her arms gave in, which in turn gave an orc the chance to overpower her and throw her to the ground.

As Hermione fell, her head slammed against a rock. Slowly, of course, with a slight rebound effect, all for the name of Drama.

Ron opened his eyes slowly, as his ears were bombarded with the screams of the battlefield. He sat up and, luckily for him, the orcs fighting around him ignored him. Legolas ran over to him on seeing him awaken and said,

"Ron! Get up on your feet if able, the battle's not over yet!"

Ron gasped,

"Legolas! Legolas you're back…but where…where's Hermione?"

Legolas looked behind Ron and gave him a weak smile,

"She took up your sword…"

Ron looked to where Legolas had been staring and scrambled over to Hermione's body on his knees.

"Hermione!"

Ron lifted up her head, only to see a glimmer of blood trickling down her forehead. He then collapsed over Hermione's body in floods of tears, unaware of a strong nagging feeling coming from the logical side of his brain.   

"I told you battles were bad!" screamed Ron angrily to nobody in particular.

***

A/N: I will have a Harry scene soon, I just lost the text document where I had written it…oh well. Scar-head can wait.

Thanks:

Tasare – Hmm, I should really check where my commas are/aren't shouldn't I? Lol!

Moustachegirl – Heh heh, I just love giving off those weird images to pollute people's minds…

Liza – You'll have to wait to find out what happens to Harry!

Mandy Snape – Thank you! And thank you for pointing out my errors, you're a star! *!

Sasery – I know Sauron is lonely! But he won't be for long; Snapey will come and rescue him – hehe!

Charlotte Black – The Dumbledore secret was finally revealed…teehee.

Digitaru – Mmmm chocolate…*drools*

Kitsunelover – Snape will get back at Gandalf again at some point, don't worry!

I_Love_Da_Horsy – This chapter is up sooner, yaaaay!