A/N: Don't ask me about the start of this chapter…or indeed any of it. I am in a very strange mood. Sorry it's taken ages to update, but I've been dead in my bed with the flu the last week or so – and yes, I even missed my Christmas dinner. What a bummer. Not to worry though, I'm back on my feet and ready to write! And yes, as a Christmas treat and an apology for the lateness, this is a looong chapter.

I keep writing Strider instead of Aragorn…but I don't want to suddenly change and confuse people! But I won't, right? So Aragorn it is. As it should be.

Disclaimer: Look at early chapters for detailed disclaimers on LOTR's/HP. And once again, Monty Python owns stuff in this. And whoever owns the Cluedo copyrights (which isn't me) owns whatever looks familiar and Cluedo-like. Heh heh. I don't own Mary, I reckon she owns herself. Maybe she doesn't…in that case, who am I to judge? The 'Well? Laugh!' thing is borrowed from Labyrinth.

*** AND NOW A WORD FROM OUR SPONSOR…SORRY, I MEAN PROTESTER…***

A small familiar looking man walks into the room, and for some reason or another begins to tap your computer screen as he talks. Don't ask me why! I'm just the Author; I have no control over the story. Smiling, the man starts,

"Hello? Hello? Are all of you out there reading this listening to me?

Yes?

Good.

My formal name is God of Muggle Fiction (and Sardines) but you may call me Oh God.

(And no, I don't need any of you lot starting up and muttering about how I know about this muggle contraption called a 'comp-put-tater' or the 'int-er-nette', let's just say I do and leave it at that.)

There are several complaints I would like to lodge against the treatment of the book entitled "The Lord of the Rings" written by one of my favourite men that I have had the pleasure of sending muses to over the centuries known as J.R.R Tolkien. I shall now list my various moans to do with the man they call 'Snape' and hope that someone out there will take heed and stop this monstrosity before he messes things up even more…

1.) Galadriel is married! Why on earth would she ever want to hook up with Snape? Elves mate for life you know. And not only that, Snape is an ugly brute, and the likelihood of her ever finding him attractive is about as liking as myself getting it on with Cher.

Hey, don't laugh! What's wrong with Cher?

2.) He has successfully managed to befriend the Dark Lord Sauron. Does anybody else see that this is a big problem? Whose side is he really on? He's a shifty little bugger and quite frankly I'm fed up of not knowing whether to trust him or slit his throat.

3.) He almost saved Boromir. Boromir, for crying out loud! Do you know what would have happened if I had let him save that man? I'll tell you what would have happened: I'd have been mighty pissed! That's fooling around with the canon for goodness' sake. Not that the three of them joining the Fellowship didn't already screw that up – there were nine for a reason you know. Nine walkers to match the nine riders. Twelve just doesn't have the same effect!"

From behind the man that you are supposed to be listening to, Fred and George appear. Grinning, they both throw a large bag over the God of Muggle Fiction (and Sardines) head. The God proceeds to scream, multiple times. A grinning George gives you all a little wave,

"Sorry about that, he's an annoying little bugger, isn't he? And now for something completely different…!"

*** (I THINK HE MEANS THE STORY)***

Dumbledore woke up with a start and threw his hands to his face, fearing what he might feel there. A voice, which sounded like they were trying to soothe him, said,

"Don't worry Albus, I have fixed your face."

Dumbledore turned around to face the speaker.

"Oh Minerva," Dumbledore hung his head, "It was terrible! They put…they put curlers in my hair and discussed whether I was more of a pink man or a blue man!"

"And what do you mean by that?"

"Eye-shadow, Minerva, eye-shadow!"

"Oh, I see. I always thought you'd be more of a red man. It's much more feisty!"

Dumbledore raised an eyebrow,

"Are you saying that I'm feisty?"

Professor McGonagall gave Dumbledore a cheeky grin, or at least what she hoped was a cheeky grin. It had more of a look of a stretched dog's arsehole. After all, that's what her lips were modelled on. Dumbledore tried to ignore the smile and the fluttering eyelashes by changing the subject,

"Where are Remus and Sirius?"

"Ahh, well you see, Albus, there was a bit of a problem - it seemed that Remus forgot to take his potion the other day. But he should be changing back to human form any moment now…"

"Well, where are they now?"

"On up the hall, I think."

"Right." Dumbledore stood up and gave his robes a quick brush-off with his hands. Professor McGonagall took one of his arms and asked fearfully,

"Albus, where are you going?"

"To get those two monkeys."

"You mean dogs." Professor McGonagall corrected.

"No, I mean monkeys. But first, I am going to get the dogs."

"Why didn't you just say you were going to get the dogs? THEN say that you were going to get the monkeys?"

Dumbledore sighed,

"Because…"

Professor McGonagall waited for a moment, then receiving no other answer but silence asked,

"Yes…?"

"What?" Dumbledore asked in confusion. Professor McGonagall gave him a blank stare then said,

"Pardon?"

"Huh?"

"You said 'because' then didn't finish. Aren't you going to say the reason why of the reason 'because'?"

Dumbledore blinked, then shook himself before saying angrily,

"Really, Minerva, I have no idea what you are talking about. Now you've gone and got me in a fluster! All you need to know is that I'm getting the monkeys. But first I need to get the dogs to find the redheads in order to get the monkeys."

"Albus, what on earth are you talking about?"

Dumbledore sighed sadly,

"I have no idea. If I did have an idea of what I'm talking about I wouldn't be in the teaching profession, now would I?"

With those words, Dumbledore walked out of Snape's classroom, leaving a very confused Professor McGonagall replaying the conversation she'd just had over again in her head. After the fifth replay, the conversation…still made no sense. She sighed,

"I never really did get the hang of his nicknames for everybody…"

***

The sun shone brightly through the open window, sending beautiful beams of light flowing over the beds that Ron and Hermione lay in. Outside a bird was twittering random notes of nonsense and generally trying to look cute. Ron sat up slowly, his head as heavy as lead and his legs as light as jelly. He groaned,

"Bloody hell, I feel awful…"

From the bed beside him there was a familiar sigh as Hermione rolled over sleepily to try and see who had just spoken. Ron's eyes lit up when he saw her,

"HERMIONE!"

Hermione jumped up at the sound of her name and she rubbed her eyes. Her jaw dropped slowly,

"RON!"

"Hermione!"

"Ron!"

"Hermione!"

"Ron!"

The two guards standing in the doorway watched this strange game with interest. Both of the youngsters were still shouting each other's name in shock. The guards decided it looked like a fun game and joined in,

"Cecil!"

"Brian!"

"Cecil!"

"Brian!"

Realising that the guards were now shouting their names, Hermione flushed with embarrassment and stopped shouting 'Ron!'. Instead she said,

"You're alive!"

Ron ran a hand through his hair and said with wonder,

"YOU'RE alive!"

"You're ALIVE!" Hermione repeated, still not being able to take it all in. Ron grinned,

"No, YOU'RE ALIVE!"

Hermione shook her head and sighed, realising that they were, in fact, getting nowhere just repeating the same lines over an over again.

"Of course I'm alive! But you…you were dead!"

"No…YOU were dead!" Ron shouted enthusiastically. Hermione hit her hand off her head, amazed at Ron's ongoing stupidity. She was about to speak again when she realised that the guards were still talking.

"Cecil," shouted Brian, "It's my shift!"

"No, Brian, it's MY shift!"

"No, it's MY SHIFT!"

"Would the two of you mind shutting up and leaving us alone for a minute?" Hermione said in agitation to the guards. They both gave her a forlorn look and then left the room, closing the door behind them. Hermione turned back to Ron, who still had a dazed and dopey look on his face. She smiled and moved from her bed over to his to sit beside him,

"This repetition is stupid, Ron," Hermione said as she moved her face closer to his, feeling her heart skipping like a little rabbit skips through the fields on a fine spring morning (before it's shot by a farmer for being a bleeding pest.) Her eyelids began to flutter attractively, and she whispered softly, "I'm just…I'm just glad that you're alive…"

Hermione let her eyes close and moved in closer to Ron, waiting for his kiss. It never came.

"I'm glad I'm alive too 'Mione! Wouldn't do me much good if I were dead!" Ron grinned and patted her on the back. Hermione sagged, angry that the moment had been spoiled and muttered,

"You'd probably be smarter dead…"

Ron thought about this statement then shrugged,

"Perhaps."

The two sat in silence for a couple of minutes, reflecting on their feelings and the traumas of the last couple of days. Ron gulped and looked Hermione in the eye,

"Hermione…?"

"Yes Ron?" Hermione drew herself forward and raised her chest slightly, hoping to make it look bigger than it actually was. Which, for now, was no bigger than two cherries on an ironing board. Small cherries.

"Would you…" Ron gave her a little sad smile, then turned his face away, "No…nothing…"

"What, Ron?" Hermione took one of his hands. A lone violin started up somewhere, playing sickeningly sweet and soppy music. Ron looked back to Hermione,

"Well…I was wondering…"

"Yes?"

"Could I…?"

"Yes?"

Each word was drawing the two closer…and closer…

"Could I ask you to…?"

"Anything, Ron, anything!"

The violin's music reached its crescendo as Ron smiled, staring into Hermione's beautiful eyes, and said,

"Nip down to the kitchens and get us some grub, I'm bloody starving!"

The sound of the slap could be heard echoing all the way down the hallway.

***

Dumbledore sighed and gave Sirius a little kick. Dumbledore had been standing watching Remus and Sirius for five minutes, hoping they would wake up of their own accord. Seeing as they hadn't, he figured if he gave one of them a kick then took a few steps back and pretend that it wasn't him, his next line would have the same effect.

"Sorry, am I interrupting something?"

Dumbledore let his eyes twinkle their trademark twinkle. Sirius blinked in confusion then looked down to find a naked Remus lying across his lap. Sirius gulped and pushed Remus off, waking the poor man with a start.

"Wha'?" Remus pushed himself up and stared around him, "What's going on?" He shivered and then continued, "Rather chilly in the castle at the moment, isn't it?"

Dumbledore shrugged,

"Could be, could be. But then, Remus, I always find that it helps to wear clothes."

Remus looked down at himself and said calmly,

"Ah. My clothes appear to have gone. I'll just run along here and fetch some…shall I?"

"Please." Dumbledore nodded. Remus proceeded to run down the corridor in search of someone to steal clothes from. Dumbledore turned his attentions to Sirius,

"Sirius, I have a task for you."

"A task?"

"Yes, a task. And an important one."

"Ok…what is it?"

"Find the two redheads and give them the message 'the hoots are on me, go catch the monkeys'."

"Uh-huh," Sirius shifted slightly and then asked, "And ehh, what is that supposed to mean?"

Dumbledore sighed,

"It means find Fred and George and tell them the message."

"Ok," Sirius thought for a second, "Why?"

"So they can go and capture the Malfoy's."

"Right. And why can't I do that?"

"Because I want them to." Dumbledore stated.

"But why?"

"They have in their possession items that may help to capture the Malfoy's…without myself having to go and get them using my wand."

"I see." Sirius gave a cough, "May I be permitted to point something out?"

"Certainly." Dumbledore smiled.

"Why can't you just send another fully-trained wizard to get them with their wand, rather than sending two pupils who spend more time in joke shops than they do their classes?"

Dumbledore's eyes did the trademark twinkle for the second time in this scene (you should see the amount of money they get paid every time they do that), and he said mysteriously,

"That…is exactly my point."

Dumbledore walked away, chuckling to himself. Sirius scratched his head, feeling extremely confused - for Dumbledore was such a strange man. Pulling himself to his feet in order to start to search for Fred and George he muttered,

"The hoots are on me? Monkeys? What the hell is Dumbledore on?"

***

Snape was standing in the corridor talking to a young lady (named Mary) that he had just met, when he heard a painful, ringing sound. It was the slap that Ron had received – justly received. He sighed,

"It sounds like those two have woken up and are already denying their feelings. Stupid children."

Mary nodded and raised a slightly confused eyebrow as a group of five or six pillows were running towards her and Snape. The one at the head of the group was shouting,

"Hurry, hurry, hurry! I bet we've missed the fluff…all because of you, Cuddles!"

The smallest pillow blushed (no, I don't know how pillows blush either, but this one did) and muttered,

" 'snot my fault…I needed the loo…"

Snape sighed and picked up one of the pillows and nodded a goodbye to Mary,

"I'll talk to you later, but right now Master Merry needs another pillow…and I suppose I better go and see how badly hurt those two Gryffindor brats are…"

Mary looked to the ground bashfully and gave Snape a little wave goodbye, before she walked on up the corridor. Snape went into the room where Merry and Pippin were and threw the pillow at Merry saying coldly,

"There's your pillow," then he added, "And don't think that just because I got you one that it means that I like you! Because I don't."

Pippin and Merry gave each other a doubtful stare over Snape's last comment. Snape rolled his eyes and muttered,

"Idiotic hobbits…"

Small, whining noises coming from the ground near his feet made Snape look down. There were crying pillows. The leader of the pillows glared at Snape and pointed at Merry's bed,

"You barbarian! You just killed Cutie-pie by letting that…thing shove him under his head!"

Snape blinked and rubbed his temples,

"I can't believe I'm seeing talking pillows…this place is seriously messing with my head…!"

Kicking the pillows away as he left the room, with Pippin following like the little lost lamb that he is, he headed up the corridor to find Ron and Hermione.

Ron was sitting on his bed clutching his jaw when Snape entered. Hermione, on the other hand, was huffing and staring at the wall. Snape gave them both a sarcastic smile,

"Isn't love fun?"

Neither of them answered. Pippin grinned,

"I like love. I once wrote a poem about it – do you want to hear it Sevvie? After all you think love is fun…"

"Took, do you have no idea as to how to speak the language of sarcasm?"

Pippin bit his lip and whispered,

"No…"

"Right, then just stop talking - before I begin resorting to violence in order to shut you up."

Pippin shrunk into the background, and Snape walked over to Ron and Hermione with an angry look on his face,

"You two irresponsible dolts!" Snape growled, "But then what did I expect, your Gryffindor natures permit you to do nothing else but foolish things! 5o points from Gryffindor!"

Pippin began to 'ooooo!' before Snape's head snapped round with a look of pure evil on his face. Pippin shut up and let Snape continue. But before he could, Aragorn bounded into the room. Unfortunately he wasn't wearing spandex or his name across his chest, but he might as well have been. He gave everybody a serious look and pushed Snape away,

"Out of the way, Snape, I'm the expert here. After all I am in line for the crown."

"You are?!" Snape squeaked.

Hermione rolled her eyes,

"No offence, Professor, but…DUH…!"

Snape folded his arms across his chest and went into a rather childish huff,

"And just why did nobody ever tell me?"

Aragorn gave Snape a brief (and slightly disgusted) smile,

"I…tired to never speak to you. That could have been one reason why. Anyway, that's old news, I'm here to heal your students."

"Oh really?" Snape drew himself up to his full height. Aragorn looked unimpressed and said,

"Yes. After all…" Aragorn looked at everybody and prompted them to say,

"The hands of a King are the hands of a healer!"

Snape let out an angry sigh. His eye then caught a glimpse of the contents on the table behind him and he gave Aragorn a cold smile,

"Of course. I understand completely. Go ahead…"

Aragorn gave Snape a suspicious look, but Snape just replied which an innocent,

"What?"

After a couple of seconds, Aragorn turned his back to Snape and tended to Ron and Hermione. Reaching back with one hand, Snape caught hold of the silver candlestick holder that he had eyed on the table, and lifted it up. Taking a couple of steps forward, he swung the candlestick holder round and hit Aragorn on the back of the head with a heavy 'THUNK'. Aragorn stayed standing for a couple of seconds before sliding to the ground, completely unconscious. Snape dropped his weapon and rubbed his hands together. Looking up, he realised that everyone was staring at him with open mouths. Snape shrugged,

"What did you expect me to do? You're the ones who are always calling me evil, I might as well live up to my name!"

Hermione shrugged,

"You've got a point."

Snape fumbled around in his robes for a second, before producing a little red bottle and handing it to Hermione. He gave her a reserved smile and said,

"One drop of that will heal you - and give some to Weasley after you use it. Of course, if he's intending on trying to cure that dim-witted mind of his, it's likely he'll need the whole bottle."

With those words, Snape left the room – only to bump into a crazy looking woman in red. She pointed at him and screamed,

"It was Snape! Professor Snape in the bedroom with the candlestick!"

Snape stared blankly after the woman as she ran off around the corner. From behind him he heard a quiet cough. Turning round he saw Hermione standing there. She smiled,

"I think that was Miss Scarlet."

***

Lucius picked up the Sorting Hat and shook it slightly. Draco gave him a quizzical look,

"Why did you do that?"

"Fleas, my boy! Lice!" Lucius gave his son a disgusted look, "Even Hufflepuff dandruff…"

Draco recoiled in horror from the hat, not daring to touch it. Lucius on the other hand, satisfied that the hat was rid of all the dead skin of his enemies, put it on his head. Giving Draco an evil grin he started to prance around,

"Oh look at me! My name is Albus Dumbledore and I have a silly Sorting Hat!" Lucius gave his bum a little wiggle, which sent Draco into fits of laughter. Pulling his cheeks in to make his lips look like a fishes mouth, Lucius continued,

"I am a loony and want to sleep with Professor McGonagall!"

From the doorway, two red haired heads peered into the room. Fred raised an eyebrow as he saw Lucius fluttering his eyelids and whispered,

"My God, those two are sad."

"I know, brother, I know." George replied.

"Right, have we got everything we need?" Fred asked. George shrugged,

"How am I meant to know? Sirius didn't exactly seem clear on the mission…"

"Yes well…it's obvious, isn't it?"

"Eh…no." George stated blankly.

Fred sighed,

"Dumbledore's message – 'the hoots are on me', that means he's giving us a chance to have a joke, right?"

"Riiiight." George nodded, still unsure.

"To hoot is something that an owl does and an owl is a bird so…" Fred fished around in his pocket and brought out a couple of canary creams, "So we turn them into birds."

"Who?"

"The monkeys!" Fred whispered angrily.

"But…there are no monkeys in England…except in zoos, of course."

Fred hit his hand off his head and pointed to where Draco and Lucius were strutting around,

"Those, my dear brother, have more monkey in them then all the primates in England put together have! And that's including the football hooligans!"

Realisation dawned across George's face, and he whispered,

"Sweeeet."

Lucius sashayed over to Draco and said saucily,

"Dumbledore's the name, loving Harry's my game! I want to kiss and hug every muggle I see!" Lucius whirled around then pointed at Draco, "Even the male ones!"

Draco fell over, crippled by his laughter. Lucius raised an eyebrow, then winked,

"Especially the male ones…"

Draco stopped laughing all of a sudden and gave his father a worried look. Lucius sighed in frustration,

"Not me, you imbecile, Dumbledore!"

"Oh…"

"Well?" Lucius said in exasperation, "Laugh!"

Draco let out a loud laugh and howled,

"Oh Papa, well done, well done!"

Lucius' face froze,

"Draco…I told you not to call me that whenever we're outside of the house…"

"Sorry, father…" Draco hung his head in shame.

"Now?" George looked to Fred. Fred grinned,

"Now."

With that confirmation, the twins bounded into the room with smiles on their faces. Lucius grabbed the hat from his head and sneered,

"Oh look, son. It's the Weasels."

"Weasleys." George said defensively.

"Quite." Lucius gave them both a disdainful smile. Fred took a step forward and opened his hands to reveal two canary creams,

"After all your busy killing, torturing, pillaging and looting, how about a tasty canary cream," Fred thought for a moment, "Heck, I'll be generous, I'll even give you a cup of tea!"

Draco blinked and turned to Lucius,

"Father, what did those big words mean?"

Lucius kicked his son and muttered,

"Shut up and act smarmy!"

Draco nodded and took a step forward to look at the biscuits,

"Hmm," he turned to Lucius and gave him a hopeful smile, "They actually look quite nice, can we have them, father? Please?"

Lucius sighed,

"Oh, all right then. But afterwards my pretty friends," Lucius sneered at the twins, "I am going to put you under the Crustacean curse!"

Draco let out a slight cough,

"Don't you mean the Cruciatus curse?"

"No!" Lucius snapped, "I mean what I say!" He gave the twins a malevolent grin and then turned back to his son, "We'll be eating fresh lobster tonight, Draco!"

Draco let out a laugh then grabbed his canary cream and shoved it down his throat quicker than Gilderoy Lockhart could sign an autograph. Lucius picked his up more carefully, and was about to put it into his mouth, when suddenly Draco looked like he was about to throw up.

"Draco?" Lucius asked, just in time to see his son transform into a yellow bird. Lucius' eyes widened suddenly and he dropped his canary cream, before pushing past Fred and George to belt it down the corridor as fast as he could.

"Damn." Fred muttered under his breath. George shrugged,

"At least we got Malfoy Junior," George smirked, "And what do you know? His blonde hair actually looks natural for once!"

***

Back at Good Guy Headquarters (formally known as Snape's classroom) Dumbledore was formulating a plan. He scanned his audience and began to speak,

"All the odds are stacked against us. We might as well give them the white flag now. No one is going to come to our rescue because everyone sees me as an interfering busybody," Dumbledore paused, then posed the question, "Do you know what that means?"

Everybody shrugged and muttered about being killed and/or losing. Dumbledore shook his head,

"No my friends, by the Law of the Good Guys, there's no way that we can lose! When all hope is lost, that's the time when the goodies begin to win. Therefore, I propose we sit around on our arses and let our inevitable victory happen!"

The room went wild with applause, and nobody noticed as the twins slipped in with a bird-shaped Draco except for Dumbledore. Dumbledore excused himself and went to meet them,

"Why have you only Draco?" Dumbledore asked. Fred shrugged,

"Lucius got away."

"Oh well." Dumbledore gave the twins a pat on the back. George let out a slight cough,

"Umm, Professor?"

"Hmm?"

"Ehh…we heard Lucius say that you umm…like men." George stared at Dumbledore, who stared straight back at him.

"Bloody Hellfire!" Dumbledore stroked his beard in worry, "How on earth did they know?"

***

A/N: Wow, yay, I hit 4,000 words! *dances a little dance* There was a lot of back-at-Hogwarts stuff, wasn't there? Oh well, I liked writing it and I couldn't stop – what can I say? This story is going to be ending soon…how depressing…but not to worry, there will be several chapters still to come once our three book-invaders are back at Hogwarts! Keep a lookout for them ^_^!

Who knows? There may be a sequel! Umm, well that's not likely because there's nothing to sequel to. Oh well, I can dream can't I?

Oh how I'm going to miss this little old story! Look at how it's grown and progressed from my crappy starting chapters to the intricate storylines that I have now! (Yeah…right…intricate…lol) It's like losing a child because they're going off to university! *Sniffle*

Maybe I'll edit earlier chapters and add things…

Siiiiiigh…who knows indeed! Well, here are the Thank You's…and my goodness, how many of them :!

Have a canary cream!

Sarahduck – Lol, yes physics is pretty useless. I'm glad the fight scene was fine!

Lady Arabella – I put in more Draco^_^! I like my Snape in this too…I know my grammar can be awful sometimes, but I still try hehe!

Kitsunelover – Yes, those Slytherins are devious buggers! Snape has virgin eyes? Yeah, probably, actually heh heh!

NTS – I love that line!

Mandy Snape – Ooo! Ooo! I did send an email, but it was sent back saying your inbox had exceeded your memory limit! I didn't forget about you! YAY The Two Towers, it's good, but ever so screwy and off from the book in places!

Charlotte Black – Yes, I remember the days of having no reviewers. Ahh, ye who is faithful, I thank thee!

Addybaby – Thank you, and I know a lot of this is far-fetched, it's mental. I worry about me…

Sasery – Denethor burns, don't worry, I keep to the story…just umm…make the HP characters mess a few things up or cause things that actually happen in the book to happen!

Liza – I know Harry is out of character. Most of the characters are…or their personalities are exaggerated…hehe!

Moustachegirl – Evil Snape indeed, he's such a wee lamb though! *Tries to image Snape as a lamb and only pictures a black sheep* Oh well, lol.

RavenAB – Harry and Frodo is euuuuuuuuugh indeed!

I_Love_Da_Horsy – AHH! You're crazy! That's good, you are just the sort of person I need reading this – you may actually understand what my weird mind is writing!

SuperDuck – I liked that description too, afterall, could Snape ever be truly happy?

Digitaru – EVIL pigeon lady! Evil pigeons in general actually…I hate my school librarian *growls*

Wolfy Lupin – Thank you for your review!!!

JediHermione – I know it's long, honestly I have no idea how it got to be this big. A stone started rolling and it kept on going I guess…lol!

Review please and make an insane girl happy!