Tanta: Hey all! This chapter goes out to Angel Reid, my co-conspirator and fellow Zellvine fanatic. As requested, Sparky has been dignified. ;)
Also, I've decided to give a request to anyone who can correctly guess who the man at the end of last chapter was. I betcha you'll never get it! Nothing has changed since the last chapter. Squaresoft still hasn't given me Zell and Irvine as a present, so I still don't own them.
Chapter Four – Journeys
Zell awoke in the morning feeling rather more warm and comfortable then he was used to. It took him a while to wake up completely and realise that the warmth was caused by Irvine's body pressed up against his back.
Sometime during the night Irvine had shuffled closer and grabbed Zell in a tight embrace. Irvine's leg was curled over Zell's hip, his arms were wrapped firmly around Zell's waist and his head rested in between Zell's neck and shoulders, causing shivers to run up and down Zell's body every time Irvine breathed.
Not that Zell minded Irvine holding him, even if it was rather possessively.
He lay there for a while longer, enjoying the simple pleasure of another person's warmth rather guiltily. There was no doubt in Zell's mind that Irvine had no idea how he was holding the blonde. When the sharpshooter awoke he would probably pull away from Zell immediately. Zell decided that it would be a lot better for the two of them if he pretended that he was still asleep when Irvine awoke, saving them both from a rather embarrassing situation.
Still, he couldn't help but reach down and cover Irvine's hands with his own, effectively keeping them in place. Zell was surprised by how good he was feeling. After the run-in with Seifer the day before he would have thought that nothing could make him happy, yet here he was, happier then he could ever remember being before. Perhaps it was just the remnants of his dream clouding his judgement, or perhaps…
Irvine began to stir, moaning something that Zell couldn't quite catch. Irvine soon yawned, the sound echoing ten fold in Zell's ear because of their proximity to each other.
"Morning Zell," Irvine whispered sleepily. "Are you awake?"
Zell was frozen into place. He had expected Irvine to pull away, but when Irvine moved it was only to wriggle into a more comfortable position and pull Zell even closer.
Irvine should have been embarrassed, not happy.
Then again, this was the same Irvine who had kissed him on the forehead yesterday, Zell realised with a grin.
After a quick think Zell decided to stick to his original idea of pretending to be asleep, if only to see what Irvine would do while his eyes were closed.
"I'll take that as a no," Irvine said when Zell stayed silent.
One of Irvine's hands crept slowly out from under Zell's as he reached up to begin stroking Zell's blonde hair. The martial artist had washed all of the gel out of it the night before so that now it hung over his eyes in bangs.
"I had the nicest dream last night," Irvine told him. "You were in it too you know, and I made the pain go away. I don't know what it is that's hurting you at the moment, but I made it disappear." Irvine paused, and Zell was surprised to hear Irvine sniffle a little. "I'd do that you know. If you would only let me know what's wrong then I'd do anything that I could to make it better. I swear if Seifer's done anything to hurt you then he's going to pay, because I miss the normal you. I miss what you're like when you're happy and away from Seifer. Please. I just want to help you."
Zell almost jumped when he heard Irvine chuckle suddenly. It was such a sharp contrast to the emotional Irvine of just a couple of seconds before.
"I don't even know why I'm telling you all of this now, while you can't hear me," Irvine continued. "I guess I'm just not brave enough to tell you when you're awake. Damn it, I'm the chicken-wuss, not you. Well, I guess I better wake you up now huh?"
Irvine began to stroke the side of Zell's face with just enough force to wake someone up.
"Wake up Zell," he whispered. "Remember, we're going to Timber today. It's time to wake up."
Zell let his eyelids flutter open slowly, keeping the illusion that he had been asleep through Irvine's spiel. Suddenly, the fact that the two of them were so close while they were conscious was too much for him. It was alright when they were asleep; they didn't know any better; but to stay in Irvine's arms would be acknowledging that he liked Irvine, and that was something that he wasn't ready for.
"Get off me," Zell told Irvine, scrambling out of the other man's grasp, and falling off the bed and onto the floor in the process.
Irvine merely laughed, although Zell thought he saw a slight hint of the blush that was beginning to look all too familiar on Irvine's face.
"I'm sorry," Irvine said. "So like, are we going to go to Timber today or not? Because if we are, then I think you might want to change out of your pyjamas."
Zell merely scowled at him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Two tickets to Timber please," Irvine announced as he handed over a small wad of cash to the train attendant, trying to sound cheerful about it.
Zell's mother by adoption had come to the station to bid them farewell, seeming awfully calm for someone whose son was about to leave home for a city that was currently close to civil war. Then again, Irvine figured, Zell did similar all the time as a member of Garden.
Irvine waved to Ma Dincht, forcing himself to keep the smile plastered to his face as he did so. A couple of minutes passed as he followed Zell into the carriage, and then finally Zell announced that he was going to go into a more private room, and Irvine was left alone.
The smile slipped from his face as easily as the small bag of luggage from his hand. He leaned against the train window and watched mindlessly as the scenery slowly rolled past, all the same unidentifiable black and dark brown caused by being underground.
The morning had been absolute hell.
What had he been thinking? Had he really thought that when Zell woke up they would both be able to lie there in absolute happiness? Had he really been so blissfully unaware of reality that he had thought, if only for a fraction of a minute, that Zell might actually like him?
They had spent most of the morning blushing, or in Zell's case scowling, every time they looked at each other, and had therefore tried to spend as little time as possible in each other's company.
It always seemed to happen that way. Just as Irvine thought that he and Zell might finally have some semblance of the friendship they had formed as little kids, something happened to ruin everything the sharpshooter had tried so hard to restore.
Irvine began to call himself every imaginable name under the sun.
There was nothing for it. He would have to walk into the room Zell had just disappeared into, sit down closer to him in these railway seats than would be comfortable at that point in time and apologise for something that he wasn't in the least bit sorry for.
He stayed in the aisle for a little while longer. From somewhere at the other end of the carriage someone was playing a song that seemed vaguely familiar to Irvine, but try as hard as he could, he couldn't quite place it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Zell slumped against the train seat, wishing that for once his emotions would make at least some sort of sense to him. The strains of some music in the room next to his began to reach his ears, and for a while he just relaxed and listened to the lyrics, wishing that they weren't quite so appropriate.
His thoughts were interrupted as the door opened and Irvine entered, dumping his bag on the floor before walking resolutely up to Zell and sitting next to him on the seat.
"Zell," Irvine began, looking the other man straight in the eye. "I just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry for what happened this morning. I shouldn't have touched you like that without your permission."
Zell shrugged.
"It's not your fault. You were asleep, right?" he asked the sharpshooter, trying not to say it sarcastically, and was surprised when Irvine didn't answer. "It doesn't matter anyway," he forced himself to continue. If Irvine was going to be following him then he didn't want their journey to start out so hatefully. "We're pretty stupid if we let something as little as that get in the way of our friendship."
Those simple words seemed to be all it took for peace to be re-established, but Zell found himself desperately wishing that Irvine would just hurry up and hold him like he had just that morning, even though he knew that even if the sharpshooter did, he would just push Irvine away again. He found himself wanting to scream, not for the first time since he had met up with Irvine.
He screamed for real when the lights in their carriage suddenly went off, plunging the two of them into darkness. For some reason though, the music kept going. Whoever was playing it must have had a battery operated radio.
To Zell's relief the lights soon flickered back on, only to be replaced by a loud bang as thunder struck outside somewhere. He couldn't help but jump again as the noise echoed throughout the train.
A voice soon crackled over the speakers.
"We're sorry passengers for that minor power failure. It appears that there is some turbulence on the track to Timber. We will be reversing shortly to return underground until the storm passes. We apologise, but it is simply not safe for us to continue over land until the weather clears. We may be delayed for up to half an hour. We are sorry for any inconvenience this may cause."
Thunder struck once more. Zell shrieked again. He had never quite stopped being scared of thunderstorms.
You can share with me if you like. It makes it less scary…
Zell's dream returned to him with embarrassing clarity, causing him to blush and sink further into the cushions of the seat he was sitting on.
"Are you still afraid of thunder?" Irvine asked him, noticing the blonde boy's behaviour.
Zell only nodded and tried to concentrate on the smooth and steady motion of the train moving into reverse, only barely registering the fact that Irvine had shuffled closer to him.
Irvine meanwhile, was watching Zell with concern. He had hoped that with time Zell would have grown out of his fear of thunderstorms, yet here he was as scared as any time he had been when they were children.
"Do you remember," Zell began, startling Irvine, "when we were kids at the orphanage, and there were thunderstorms?" Zell was hesitant to say any more, just in case his dream the night before had been no more than that, and not the memory that he suspected it might be.
"You were so scared of them back then as well," Irvine continued. "Not everything changes, I guess."
"I remember things occasionally, you know," Zell kept talking, hoping that it would distract him from the noise of the thunderstorm outside. "Just little snatches, but sometimes I don't know whether they're real memories or not, so it gets confusing. I remember that Seifer used to pick on me about being scared, but you used to stick up for me. I think I remember one time when you told him to shut up. I liked you so much for doing that."
Zell looked up from the spot on the floor that he had been staring at for the past few minutes to find that Irvine was watching him with a thoughtful smile on his face.
"Sometimes I wondered if you remembered anything," Irvine said, the grin on his face completely genuine for the first time that day. "You just seemed to hate me so much when we met up in Galbadia Garden that I thought you'd forgotten me completely."
"I had," Zell said, silencing the both of them. "Like I said; I don't remember that much even now."
Irvine paused for a second as though thinking, before plunging a hand into one of his jacket pockets and searching around for something. After a couple of seconds he pulled out a rather ragged looking toy Moomba and placed it in Zell's hands.
"Do you remember this?" he asked the blonde.
Zell's eyes widened in wonder as he gazed at the fluffy toy in his hands. His face lit up into a bright smile.
"Sparky!" he called out, clutching the Moomba in his hands so tightly that Irvine was half afraid that it would fall apart. "It was my Christmas present, wasn't it?"
"Yeah," Irvine agreed, grinning widely. "It was the only Christmas that everyone was at the orphanage for. It was only a little present I guess, but you used to love him. Sparky used to go with you everywhere. Do you remember the time that you almost lost him?"
Zell shook his head, and Irvine sighed in exasperation.
"Seifer threw him into the ocean and you started bawling your eyes out. It was only a little way out, but you insisted that because Matron told us that we should never go swimming without her that he was lost. I ended up swimming out and getting him back for you. You were screaming the whole time, afraid that I was going to get eaten by a monster or something. I got into so much trouble for it too."
Irvine chuckled at the memory.
"You left him behind at the orphanage when you left with your adopted mother," Irvine continued, suddenly growing serious.
"And you kept him all this time?" Zell asked, staring at the cuddly Moomba in disbelief.
"Of course I did. It was my only memory of you," Irvine said. Zell turned to look at him questioningly. "Of the orphanage gang I mean," Irvine added in a hurry, not willing to let his full feelings for Zell be known at that moment.
Zell smiled and looked down at the cuddly Moomba in his hands once more, wondering if Irvine's behaviour really meant what he was beginning to hope that it would.
He shook himself as he remembered what had happened last time he had thought to let his guard down too much in front of someone that he thought he could trust. His scar began hurting as the memories began to come to the surface.
The harsh feeling of Seifer's rough palms against his…
The seemingly minor pain as Seifer continuously nibbled at his ear…
His cries of pain that were completely ignored…
Why couldn't the GFs take these memories instead of the good ones?
"No! Get away from me!" Zell screamed, jumping away from Irvine, who had only reached over to place his hand on top of Zell's in a comforting gesture.
For a moment the memories had seemed far too real.
A rather large clap of thunder sounded outside, causing the lights to flicker again, making the cabin flash in between complete darkness and a picture of heartbreak. Zell had fled to the other side of the room and now sat on the carpeted floor near the doorway holding his hand as though something had bitten him. Irvine stood where he had been sitting until a moment before, startled by Zell's sudden movement.
"I'm sorry," Zell sobbed from on the floor. "I'm sorry, because all of this is my own fault, and I don't deserve someone as nice as you following me, because this is just going to keep happening again and again. You should have just stayed back at Balamb Garden."
"No way Zell," Irvine said very carefully, conscious that Zell was almost unaware of what he was rambling about. He walked very slowly towards the blonde and sat beside him on the floor. "I couldn't stay back there and I'm not going back now. Something's wrong, and I'm not going to leave until you've completely gotten over it."
"But you don't understand!" Zell protested. "I'm a filthy rotten slut and that's the only reason that I'm in trouble now. I don't deserve you. If you knew what had happened then you would definitely turn around and go back, because you'd hate me so much."
Zell paused as he heard the words leave his mouth. He hadn't realised what he was truly afraid of until he had admitted it just then. Was that why he kept pushing Irvine away; because he felt that he didn't deserve him? Maybe. But why then had he felt such hatred when he had first seen the sharpshooter at Galbadia Garden?
It didn't matter now. If Irvine and the rest of Zell's friends found out what had happened then they would hate Zell as much as he hated himself. He was sure of it.
He pulled Sparky the Moomba closer, not caring how childish it might look.
"Zell." Irvine wanted so badly to reach out and comfort Zell; to just place a hand on the other man's shoulder, but after what had just happened he wasn't sure how Zell would react. "No matter what you've done," Irvine continued, "or what you think you might have done, I'm never going to hate you. I promise I won't."
Zell seemed to have settled down a little, and Irvine judged that it would be all right to put his hand on Zell's shoulder as he had wanted to. He was incredibly glad when for once, Zell didn't pull away.
"What if I told you that I liked guys?" Zell asked Irvine. Maybe Irvine had meant the kiss on the forehead and all the touching and cuddling in a perfectly platonic way. Maybe he would be freaked out that the guy he had been touching might hope that the touches had meant something else.
Irvine merely shrugged.
"Is that what this is all about?" the redhead asked. "You thought I wouldn't like you if I found out that you were gay?" No wonder Zell had been shrinking away from him, Irvine thought, realising with a grin that Zell might have been hoping for even more than the sharpshooter had.
"Not really," Zell answered, although he was slightly relieved. "I guess that it is a little part of it though."
Irvine paused for a second, realising that the thunder outside had almost disappeared. As if on cue the train started up again, emerging from out of the underground tunnel into sunlight.
"You really don't mind?" Zell asked him, flashing a hopeful smile towards Irvine.
"Not at all," Irvine answered, leaning back against the door.
From somewhere near the other end of the carriage, a strain of hauntingly familiar music stopped as a tape came to the end.