Ritsu was running. Running away. Away from everyone he could embarrass with
his existence.. The rain was soaking his long and silky hair. The mud was
staining the lower part of his clothes. When his vision was too blurred to
see what was right in front of him and his legs too tired to carry him, he
simply collapsed on his hands and knees in a puddle of mud. Without
realising it, he had entered a forest.
His shoulders shook with quiet sobs.
"...Gomen nasai..." he murmured.
He hugged himself and began to rock back and forth.
"Gomen nasai... I will apologise. I will apologise to the wh... whole world." He hiccoughed. "I will apologise... I will apologise. Gomen nasai..."
In answer to his pleading whisper, the rain began to pour harder. Broken sobs escaped his aching throat.
"Sixty three... I apologized sixty three times today. D...Demo... it's never enough... I...I'm sorry I can't be strong. I'm sorry I can't do anything right. Gomen nasai!" He cried out, hiding his pale face in his trembling hands.
He collapsed completely, his face, hair and clothes now covered in mud. He was cold. He was so cold.
"I'm no better than the dirt I'm laying on. I shouldn't even be allowed to step on it... I'm dirty. I'm disgusting. I deserve to be punished. I-I-I... I'm sorry!"
He was now crying so hard that he only breathed in small gasps. The small amount of air he gasped in barely made it to his lung, his throat so sore from all the crying. He gripped handfuls of his shamefully long and feminine hair and pulled, he scratched his own pale skin with his nails, hoping to do as much damage as possible, he ripped parts of his womanly clothes, all the while twisting and turning in the mud. When he was done spending all his energy in his self-destruction he stilled. Only his shoulders' and chest's erratic rises and falls showed that he was still alive, sobbing uncontrollably and gasping in ragged breaths.
"That's... That's how I-I ought to be..." he winced, burned when the mud touched his lacerated skin. "...miserable... d-dirty..."
Slow footsteps were heard and Ritsu closed his eyes.
"Oh...Ritsu. What have you done to yourself..."
He whimpered, recognizing the voice.
"...Ha-Hatori-san...G-gomen nasai."
Hatori stepped towards Ritsu's laying form. He had a strange look on his face, Ristu noticed when he was able to see the older man, standing there in his dark clothes, holding an umbrella.
"What have you done to yourself again?"
Ritsu curled up, embracing his knees.
"I... I apologise. I apologise to you. I will apologise to the whole world..."
The tallest of the Somas closed his eyes, sighed and kneeled.
"Ritsu... don't you have the feeling that you're always repeating the same sentences over and over?" he said in a tired voice, caressing lightly the long-haired man's mud-spattered face.
"...Gomen nasai... Gomen..."
"As your doctor, I say that you must stop to do this to yourself. I will not pretend it's the first time I find you in such a state of distress. This is not healthy."
Ritsu made to pronounce yet another apology but Hatori stopped him.
"Imagine it was somebody other than me who found you? Imagine Thoru Honda's panic if she'd found you in such a state? And what about Momiji? Don't you think he would've been worried sick? And Ayame..." he sighed. "Can you imagine Ayame's scream? He'd have hurt you even more in his frantic tries to help you."
"...Gom-"
"And for heaven's sake don't apologize!" he interrupted. "I am back from Shigure's house. You must have ventured in the forest surrounding his home. I am going to ask you a question and I want you to think before you answer, Ritsu."
The hurt man whimpered.
"Ritsu, do you want me to bring you home so I can tend to your wounds or do you want me to leave you here and to do as if I hadn't found you at all?"
Ritsu shut his eyes tightly, not even able to understand why a man as respectable as Hatori would want to bother with him. What did he have to offer to the world? Nothing. He was useless. He was a waste of existence. He was miserable. He was not worth anyone's time... he was... he was...
But... he couldn't be such a coward... In this world a lot of people were very miserable and yet very courageous... If he was cursed with the spirit of the cat, would he already have killed himself? And Momiji, little Momiji, who didn't even have a mother to tell him what to do. And Ayame- san... loud-speaking, proud Ayame-san... Never ashamed of his long hair and effeminate looks.
And Hatori-san. Courageous Hatori-san who was denied the right to love by their cruel family head... Akito... Hatori had to deal with Akito on a daily basis while Ritsu couldn't even stand to look into those icy eyes. Hatori who had taken care of young Momiji. Hatori who had to become a doctor to fulfill his father's wish. Hatori who was now offering a helping hand.
All the Jyuunishi were incredibly brave. All of them faced hardships and they all accepted their destiny with courage. Even if Ritsu felt as if he was not quite like them, he couldn't just give up while the others were still hanging on.
Ritsu smiled softly, still teary-eyed.
"Hai, Hatori-san... I... I want you to bring me home."
Hatori smiled and offered a hand to help Ritsu up. The dragon helped the limping monkey, supporting him as they walked, very close to each other so both their heads were under the umbrella.
"I...I'm sorry I'm dirtying your clothes with the mud mines are covered with." Ritsu said reflexively.
"It's alright, really, Ritsu. It's ok to feel guilty when you do something wrong. And asking for forgiveness is a sign of great wisdom, but one person can't be responsible for all the bad things in this world. Please Ritsu, stop thinking you're the source of all evil."
Ritsu blushed slightly.
"Hai..." he whispered.
"And once you're all healed maybe we can eat something. You look awfully thin."
"Gomen nasai..."
Hatori looked at Ritsu with a raised eyebrow.
"Oh! Gomen Nasai! I didn't mean to... No! It's not what I meant, I'm sorry... No! What I mean is... Oh... Hatori-san..." he wailed.
Hatori chuckled. He was aware that Ritsu couldn't change all his compulsive habits in one day, but he was proud of the new strength he could feel in the young man.
"What about Takoyaki? Huh? Tohru told me that you loved Takoyaki ..."
Ritsu blushed hard this time and couldn't even mutter a coherent answer.
He thought of Miss Honda's kindness and he suddenly felt blessed.
And as they were walking the rain stopped, but neither of them realised it. It was so nice walking so close to each other...
His shoulders shook with quiet sobs.
"...Gomen nasai..." he murmured.
He hugged himself and began to rock back and forth.
"Gomen nasai... I will apologise. I will apologise to the wh... whole world." He hiccoughed. "I will apologise... I will apologise. Gomen nasai..."
In answer to his pleading whisper, the rain began to pour harder. Broken sobs escaped his aching throat.
"Sixty three... I apologized sixty three times today. D...Demo... it's never enough... I...I'm sorry I can't be strong. I'm sorry I can't do anything right. Gomen nasai!" He cried out, hiding his pale face in his trembling hands.
He collapsed completely, his face, hair and clothes now covered in mud. He was cold. He was so cold.
"I'm no better than the dirt I'm laying on. I shouldn't even be allowed to step on it... I'm dirty. I'm disgusting. I deserve to be punished. I-I-I... I'm sorry!"
He was now crying so hard that he only breathed in small gasps. The small amount of air he gasped in barely made it to his lung, his throat so sore from all the crying. He gripped handfuls of his shamefully long and feminine hair and pulled, he scratched his own pale skin with his nails, hoping to do as much damage as possible, he ripped parts of his womanly clothes, all the while twisting and turning in the mud. When he was done spending all his energy in his self-destruction he stilled. Only his shoulders' and chest's erratic rises and falls showed that he was still alive, sobbing uncontrollably and gasping in ragged breaths.
"That's... That's how I-I ought to be..." he winced, burned when the mud touched his lacerated skin. "...miserable... d-dirty..."
Slow footsteps were heard and Ritsu closed his eyes.
"Oh...Ritsu. What have you done to yourself..."
He whimpered, recognizing the voice.
"...Ha-Hatori-san...G-gomen nasai."
Hatori stepped towards Ritsu's laying form. He had a strange look on his face, Ristu noticed when he was able to see the older man, standing there in his dark clothes, holding an umbrella.
"What have you done to yourself again?"
Ritsu curled up, embracing his knees.
"I... I apologise. I apologise to you. I will apologise to the whole world..."
The tallest of the Somas closed his eyes, sighed and kneeled.
"Ritsu... don't you have the feeling that you're always repeating the same sentences over and over?" he said in a tired voice, caressing lightly the long-haired man's mud-spattered face.
"...Gomen nasai... Gomen..."
"As your doctor, I say that you must stop to do this to yourself. I will not pretend it's the first time I find you in such a state of distress. This is not healthy."
Ritsu made to pronounce yet another apology but Hatori stopped him.
"Imagine it was somebody other than me who found you? Imagine Thoru Honda's panic if she'd found you in such a state? And what about Momiji? Don't you think he would've been worried sick? And Ayame..." he sighed. "Can you imagine Ayame's scream? He'd have hurt you even more in his frantic tries to help you."
"...Gom-"
"And for heaven's sake don't apologize!" he interrupted. "I am back from Shigure's house. You must have ventured in the forest surrounding his home. I am going to ask you a question and I want you to think before you answer, Ritsu."
The hurt man whimpered.
"Ritsu, do you want me to bring you home so I can tend to your wounds or do you want me to leave you here and to do as if I hadn't found you at all?"
Ritsu shut his eyes tightly, not even able to understand why a man as respectable as Hatori would want to bother with him. What did he have to offer to the world? Nothing. He was useless. He was a waste of existence. He was miserable. He was not worth anyone's time... he was... he was...
But... he couldn't be such a coward... In this world a lot of people were very miserable and yet very courageous... If he was cursed with the spirit of the cat, would he already have killed himself? And Momiji, little Momiji, who didn't even have a mother to tell him what to do. And Ayame- san... loud-speaking, proud Ayame-san... Never ashamed of his long hair and effeminate looks.
And Hatori-san. Courageous Hatori-san who was denied the right to love by their cruel family head... Akito... Hatori had to deal with Akito on a daily basis while Ritsu couldn't even stand to look into those icy eyes. Hatori who had taken care of young Momiji. Hatori who had to become a doctor to fulfill his father's wish. Hatori who was now offering a helping hand.
All the Jyuunishi were incredibly brave. All of them faced hardships and they all accepted their destiny with courage. Even if Ritsu felt as if he was not quite like them, he couldn't just give up while the others were still hanging on.
Ritsu smiled softly, still teary-eyed.
"Hai, Hatori-san... I... I want you to bring me home."
Hatori smiled and offered a hand to help Ritsu up. The dragon helped the limping monkey, supporting him as they walked, very close to each other so both their heads were under the umbrella.
"I...I'm sorry I'm dirtying your clothes with the mud mines are covered with." Ritsu said reflexively.
"It's alright, really, Ritsu. It's ok to feel guilty when you do something wrong. And asking for forgiveness is a sign of great wisdom, but one person can't be responsible for all the bad things in this world. Please Ritsu, stop thinking you're the source of all evil."
Ritsu blushed slightly.
"Hai..." he whispered.
"And once you're all healed maybe we can eat something. You look awfully thin."
"Gomen nasai..."
Hatori looked at Ritsu with a raised eyebrow.
"Oh! Gomen Nasai! I didn't mean to... No! It's not what I meant, I'm sorry... No! What I mean is... Oh... Hatori-san..." he wailed.
Hatori chuckled. He was aware that Ritsu couldn't change all his compulsive habits in one day, but he was proud of the new strength he could feel in the young man.
"What about Takoyaki? Huh? Tohru told me that you loved Takoyaki ..."
Ritsu blushed hard this time and couldn't even mutter a coherent answer.
He thought of Miss Honda's kindness and he suddenly felt blessed.
And as they were walking the rain stopped, but neither of them realised it. It was so nice walking so close to each other...