Whizzothecrunchyfrog: thanks so much! Here's more!
Usual disclaimers apply . . . and if that isn't enough for you, see previous chapters. :) Let the insanity continue!!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Chapter three: Drop that sword!
The company had halted outside the walls of Moria while Gandalf tried to figure out the password. Nigel was unusually subdued, probably due to Platy's almost constant threats of deletion.
"I can't believe you stole the sword of Godric Gryffindor," Platy moaned, head in her hands. "I can't *believe* you, Nigel!" Nigel was sitting on a rock and looking guiltily at his feet. "You'd better just be grateful that it wasn't book two! You could have caused a disaster! Not that this isn't a disaster already . . ." Platy paced well away from the water.
Legolas pulled the small paperback book out of his pack (where he'd stuffed it on Caradhras) and examined it. It was very colorful; there was a picture on the front of two children in odd clothing riding some sort of creature. Legolas started to open it.
"No!" Platy came hurtling over and slammed the book shut. Legolas stared at the platypus, taken aback. "I'm sorry," Platy panted, holding the book shut as if it might fly open of its own accord. "But you can't open it! Things are bad enough already." Platy noticed Legolas's expression of complete bafflement and sighed heavily. "Please, just put it back in your pack, okay? *Never* open it." Without even turning around, she squinched her eyes shut and snapped, "Don't you DARE take that sword back out, Nigel!" Nigel, who had half-drawn the weapon, jammed it back into its sheath. Platy resumed pacing.
"Why can't he open the book?" Pippin asked curiously.
"Because terrible, terrible things will happen if he does," Platy said seriously. Pippin gulped.
"I just want to say," Nigel said in a slightly quavering voice, "that you are absolutely no fun at all."
"Fun?!" Platy swelled with anger. "FUN?!?!" Nigel shrank away from his eighteen-inch, trembling, furry creator. "Oh, yes, there's absolutely nothing more fun than skipping through other realms, STEALING things and just generally creating CHAOS wherever you go!!"
"Yes, you really ought to try it," Nigel said brightly and nodded, then immediately realized he had said exactly the wrong thing. With a screech of rage, Platy hurled herself at Nigel's face and started tugging at his handlebar moustache.
"Ow! Oowowch! I say, someone stop her! She's gone completely mental!" Nigel shrieked, trying to stop Platy from tearing out chunks of his moustache without angering her further. Legolas wasn't much inclined to help the man; he thought Nigel was getting no more than he deserved. Aragorn, however, took pity on Nigel and gently pried Platy off of his face. The platypus glared at Nigel, panting heavily, but didn't struggle. Nigel gingerly felt his moustache to make sure it was all still there. Realizing that none was missing, he gave the ends a jaunty twirl and grinned. "Ha! The hair follicles of Nigel Pivington Jones are immune to any attack!"
Once again, Nigel had said the wrong thing. Platy started to struggle violently in Aragorn's grasp, and the ranger could hear her muttering, "I'll . . . give him . . . hair . . . follicles . . ." Aragorn gave Legolas a pleading glance.
"Can you calm her down?"
"I've never seen her so angry before." Legolas shrugged. "Maybe you ought to just let her at him."
"No!" Nigel cried, aghast. "Are you mad?! She'll delete me!"
"Oh," Legolas smirked, "I'm sure a little platypus is no match for the legendary Nigel Pivington Jones."
Before Nigel could reply, there was a low, grinding noise. The gates of Moria were open.
"If I set you down, will you let him live?" Aragorn asked quietly, and Platy nodded. Aragorn gently put the platypus down, and she didn't do anything beyond giving Nigel a very dirty look. They all walked slowly into the mines, Gimli chattering happily about the "fabled hospitality of the dwarves." Platy was trotting alongside Legolas; Nigel was lurking behind Aragorn. Gandalf lit a crystal on his staff, revealing a carpet of rotting corpses.
"This is no mine," Boromir said, "it is a tomb!"
"Thank you, Captain Obvious!" Platy snapped, bristling.
Legolas plucked an arrow from a corpse and briefly examined it. "Goblins!" He threw it away and set one of his own arrows to his bow.
"We will make for the gap of Rohan," Boromir backed away. "We never should have come here. Now get out, get out!"
"Okay, okay!" Platy scrambled backwards as Frodo screamed. The company turned just in time to see the hobbit being hauled towards the lake by a giant tentacle. Sam hacked the tentacle off, but a moment later, dozens more burst out of the water, knocking Sam, Merry, and Pippin backwards and hauling Frodo up into the air.
"Ha! No kraken is a match for Nigel Pivington Jones! Chaaaaarrrrrge!" Nigel flew right into the thick of things, hacking at the tentacles with his pilfered sword and cracking his bullwhip, more for effect than anything else.
"Don't you DARE lose that sword!" Platy screeched over the din of battle.
"Lose my sword?" Nigel shouted airily back, "Whatever gave you that idea?" Those words had barely left his mouth when a flying tentacle neatly whipped the sword from his hand and into the water. "Ah . . ." Nigel shifted guiltily. "Sorry about that."
"Dammit, Nigel!" Platy plunged into the water. She re-emerged a moment later, hauling the sword up onto the pebbly strip of land between the lake and the wall. "You owe me big, Nigel, do you hear me? You owe me HUGE!" Nigel picked up the sword as Legolas hit the watcher in the eye. It dropped Frodo with a roar of pain. A moment later, they all scrambled inside. The watcher hauled itself out after them, pulling down the gates with a deafening crash of stone on stone. Then there was complete darkness. All that could be heard was the company's ragged breathing.
"Owch . . . Ron, you're on my *foot*," a voice complained.
"Oh, sorry, mate. I can't see a bloody thing."
"Oh, fabulous," Platy grumbled. "Dammit, Nigel, this is entirely your fault. Why did you have to be such a klepto?"
"Who said that?"
"Who said *that*?!"
"Oh, this is ridiculous . . . lumos!" The fellowship squinted at the sudden pinpoint of faint blue-ish light. It was coming from the wand of a bushy-haired young girl. A black-haired, bespectacled boy stood blinking on her right, and a tall, red-haired boy with freckles stood just behind him. The fellowship gaped. Platy groaned. The black-haired boy pointed a wand at Nigel, who looked over his shoulder in the hopes that the boy's glare wasn't meant for him.
"You," the boy snapped. "Drop that sword!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Hoo boy . . . this is turning into the crossover from heck! Bwaha! See da pwetty button? It says, 'Go.' Pwess da pwetty button! Pwess it an' I'll wuv oo f'wever!
Usual disclaimers apply . . . and if that isn't enough for you, see previous chapters. :) Let the insanity continue!!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Chapter three: Drop that sword!
The company had halted outside the walls of Moria while Gandalf tried to figure out the password. Nigel was unusually subdued, probably due to Platy's almost constant threats of deletion.
"I can't believe you stole the sword of Godric Gryffindor," Platy moaned, head in her hands. "I can't *believe* you, Nigel!" Nigel was sitting on a rock and looking guiltily at his feet. "You'd better just be grateful that it wasn't book two! You could have caused a disaster! Not that this isn't a disaster already . . ." Platy paced well away from the water.
Legolas pulled the small paperback book out of his pack (where he'd stuffed it on Caradhras) and examined it. It was very colorful; there was a picture on the front of two children in odd clothing riding some sort of creature. Legolas started to open it.
"No!" Platy came hurtling over and slammed the book shut. Legolas stared at the platypus, taken aback. "I'm sorry," Platy panted, holding the book shut as if it might fly open of its own accord. "But you can't open it! Things are bad enough already." Platy noticed Legolas's expression of complete bafflement and sighed heavily. "Please, just put it back in your pack, okay? *Never* open it." Without even turning around, she squinched her eyes shut and snapped, "Don't you DARE take that sword back out, Nigel!" Nigel, who had half-drawn the weapon, jammed it back into its sheath. Platy resumed pacing.
"Why can't he open the book?" Pippin asked curiously.
"Because terrible, terrible things will happen if he does," Platy said seriously. Pippin gulped.
"I just want to say," Nigel said in a slightly quavering voice, "that you are absolutely no fun at all."
"Fun?!" Platy swelled with anger. "FUN?!?!" Nigel shrank away from his eighteen-inch, trembling, furry creator. "Oh, yes, there's absolutely nothing more fun than skipping through other realms, STEALING things and just generally creating CHAOS wherever you go!!"
"Yes, you really ought to try it," Nigel said brightly and nodded, then immediately realized he had said exactly the wrong thing. With a screech of rage, Platy hurled herself at Nigel's face and started tugging at his handlebar moustache.
"Ow! Oowowch! I say, someone stop her! She's gone completely mental!" Nigel shrieked, trying to stop Platy from tearing out chunks of his moustache without angering her further. Legolas wasn't much inclined to help the man; he thought Nigel was getting no more than he deserved. Aragorn, however, took pity on Nigel and gently pried Platy off of his face. The platypus glared at Nigel, panting heavily, but didn't struggle. Nigel gingerly felt his moustache to make sure it was all still there. Realizing that none was missing, he gave the ends a jaunty twirl and grinned. "Ha! The hair follicles of Nigel Pivington Jones are immune to any attack!"
Once again, Nigel had said the wrong thing. Platy started to struggle violently in Aragorn's grasp, and the ranger could hear her muttering, "I'll . . . give him . . . hair . . . follicles . . ." Aragorn gave Legolas a pleading glance.
"Can you calm her down?"
"I've never seen her so angry before." Legolas shrugged. "Maybe you ought to just let her at him."
"No!" Nigel cried, aghast. "Are you mad?! She'll delete me!"
"Oh," Legolas smirked, "I'm sure a little platypus is no match for the legendary Nigel Pivington Jones."
Before Nigel could reply, there was a low, grinding noise. The gates of Moria were open.
"If I set you down, will you let him live?" Aragorn asked quietly, and Platy nodded. Aragorn gently put the platypus down, and she didn't do anything beyond giving Nigel a very dirty look. They all walked slowly into the mines, Gimli chattering happily about the "fabled hospitality of the dwarves." Platy was trotting alongside Legolas; Nigel was lurking behind Aragorn. Gandalf lit a crystal on his staff, revealing a carpet of rotting corpses.
"This is no mine," Boromir said, "it is a tomb!"
"Thank you, Captain Obvious!" Platy snapped, bristling.
Legolas plucked an arrow from a corpse and briefly examined it. "Goblins!" He threw it away and set one of his own arrows to his bow.
"We will make for the gap of Rohan," Boromir backed away. "We never should have come here. Now get out, get out!"
"Okay, okay!" Platy scrambled backwards as Frodo screamed. The company turned just in time to see the hobbit being hauled towards the lake by a giant tentacle. Sam hacked the tentacle off, but a moment later, dozens more burst out of the water, knocking Sam, Merry, and Pippin backwards and hauling Frodo up into the air.
"Ha! No kraken is a match for Nigel Pivington Jones! Chaaaaarrrrrge!" Nigel flew right into the thick of things, hacking at the tentacles with his pilfered sword and cracking his bullwhip, more for effect than anything else.
"Don't you DARE lose that sword!" Platy screeched over the din of battle.
"Lose my sword?" Nigel shouted airily back, "Whatever gave you that idea?" Those words had barely left his mouth when a flying tentacle neatly whipped the sword from his hand and into the water. "Ah . . ." Nigel shifted guiltily. "Sorry about that."
"Dammit, Nigel!" Platy plunged into the water. She re-emerged a moment later, hauling the sword up onto the pebbly strip of land between the lake and the wall. "You owe me big, Nigel, do you hear me? You owe me HUGE!" Nigel picked up the sword as Legolas hit the watcher in the eye. It dropped Frodo with a roar of pain. A moment later, they all scrambled inside. The watcher hauled itself out after them, pulling down the gates with a deafening crash of stone on stone. Then there was complete darkness. All that could be heard was the company's ragged breathing.
"Owch . . . Ron, you're on my *foot*," a voice complained.
"Oh, sorry, mate. I can't see a bloody thing."
"Oh, fabulous," Platy grumbled. "Dammit, Nigel, this is entirely your fault. Why did you have to be such a klepto?"
"Who said that?"
"Who said *that*?!"
"Oh, this is ridiculous . . . lumos!" The fellowship squinted at the sudden pinpoint of faint blue-ish light. It was coming from the wand of a bushy-haired young girl. A black-haired, bespectacled boy stood blinking on her right, and a tall, red-haired boy with freckles stood just behind him. The fellowship gaped. Platy groaned. The black-haired boy pointed a wand at Nigel, who looked over his shoulder in the hopes that the boy's glare wasn't meant for him.
"You," the boy snapped. "Drop that sword!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Hoo boy . . . this is turning into the crossover from heck! Bwaha! See da pwetty button? It says, 'Go.' Pwess da pwetty button! Pwess it an' I'll wuv oo f'wever!