Situations
By Cypher
Don't ask me how I get into these situations, because honestly, I have no frickin' clue. Really, I don't. Daniel's supposed to be the fall guy, the one that weird stuff happens to. I mean, sure, having a Tok'ra in me was weird, but compared to being Ascended or being kidnapped by some water alien, it's not that bad. Maybe that's it, he's paid off his karmic debt and now I'm the cursed SG-1 member.
"Colonel, you have to calm down now!"
How have I arrived at this conclusion? Well, it's fairly simple. We went to this world with a medieval-like civilization. They welcomed us at first, hell, they thought Daniel was a great wizard. Scholars equate to wizards here, don't ask me why. Maybe because both can be filled with hot air. The king's wizard certainly was. And he was not happy about Danny taking the spotlight away from him.
Why he knew to target me, I'm not sure. I mean, yeah, Daniel and I are dating, but off-world, we act like friends, nothing more. He's more friendly to Carter than to me when we're on another planet. It's the whole scientific sibling thing. Anyhow, this wizard said something dreadful would befall us if we didn't get out of there quickly. Of course, magic is a bunch of hocus pocus, so we didn't listen to him. Even the king told us to stay and for the wizard to go to his tower. We didn't heed his warning. That was a mistake.
Magic is not a bunch of hocus pocus.
"O'Neill! You must restrain yourself!"
I'm not sure how he put the curse on me, if it was through food or while I was sleeping or what, but he did, a very good one. For starters, I became inexplicably drawn to women. I know, I know, I'm dating Daniel, but now any woman, single, married, widowed, etc, that's within a mile radius of me catches my attention, and I run to them like that damned dog and the bell. Who was it? Pavlov's dog. That's it. Every woman.
Except Carter and Fraiser. You can imagine how well THAT went over with them. To say that they were pissed is an understatement. But compare that to how Daniel was glaring at me…Jesus! Where's that look when we're fighting the goa'uld, huh? That'd have Anubis running with his tail between his legs. It also means I'm going to be going home to an empty bed and getting reacquainted with my right hand. But damn it, it's not my fault!
And that's not even the worst of it.
"Jack, please don't make us do what we had to do last time."
He put another part to the curse, a part that's playing out right now, and it's hellish. Literally, hellish. Whenever I'm hit with an energy weapon, be it staff or zat, I…change. It's disturbing, and I can't even control the damn transformation. Horns pop out of my head, fur grows all over my body, my fingers turn into claws, and I get this muzzle with very sharp teeth. I'm also over ten feet tall. Rather an imposing figure, if I do say so myself.
We found this out by accident. Daniel got so fed up with my flirting that he zatted me. He actually grabbed Carter's zat and shot me. Instead of dropping, though, the transformation started. It doesn't hurt, but it's unnerving. When I returned back to normal, the king put the wizard to death for using, what loosely translated into "forbidden magic." Daniel was able to find a reference to the demon in one of the old coot's books, and it turns out there's a cure, though we have to travel halfway across the planet to get it.
Sadly, as we told General Hammond and got ready for the long journey, the Gate activated and a group of Jaffa appeared. And of course, they fired on us, and of course, I got hit. And I transformed all over again. They obviously hadn't expected it. Some kept firing, some ran (and were taken down by Carter and Teal'c), and some ended up, and I still feel sick about this, in my stomach. I am not kidding. I actually ate some of them rather than slashing them up. They kinda taste like ham. But that's neither here nor there.
And now that they're all gone, the team's trying to return me back to normal. Why can't I change back? I don't know. I can't control it. So I'm on a bit of a rampage, and they're doing everything they can to not resort to their actions last time. What were they, you ask? Well, after I transformed the first time, Carter went and brought Fraiser, to see if she could somehow help.
And that's when we discovered fear and adrenaline can reverse the process.
And the one thing I fear the most…
Daniel's voice breaks through my thoughts. "I give up. Janet, do it."
"Alright, Colonel." I look at her out of instinct, and know immediately what she's going to do. She pulls out the biggest freakin' needle I've ever seen. "Time for a physical." And with a snap, Carter pulls a latex glove over Fraiser's other hand.
And I, like a coward, stick my tail between my legs--a literal tail, though not big enough to be helpful--and try to get away. Teal'c's keeping me there with staff blasts, though, and Daniel with a gun, which does work against my toughened skin. And the little heathen of a doctor descends on me as I howl…
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"Geeze, Fraiser. I'm not going to be able to sit for a week." I rub my backside, human backside. Never thought I'd be glad to feel the kinks in my back. Don't ask me how the clothes change and revert with me, I don't understand it. But they do. "Did you have to be so…forceful?" Little witch gave me a hell of a prostate exam during that physical.
"Nothing seemed to get you to calm down, Colonel," she replies stoically, snapping her medical bag closed. I've caught a glimpse of the inside of it. One small first aid kit, and a dozen giant needles and a box of latex gloves. I have to bite back a whimper at he sight, and it's not easy.
Daniel actually gives me a sympathetic look, the angel. Maybe he's finally forgiven me, or at least feels sorry enough that I won't be alone too long once this whole ordeal is over. "Just try not to get hit with any more energy weapons, Jack, and you should be fine."
I give him a small smile. "I'll try. Without any more Jaffa around, I think all we have to worry about is Teal'c's weapon and the zats."
Carter checks hers momentarily before putting it back in its holster. "Well, I don't think any of us are thinking about shooting you, sir."
"Speak for yourself, Major Carter."
Oh, I've pissed off the big guy. Then again, I did sort of take a swipe at him, as is evidenced by the four slash marks on the front of his shirt. Didn't hit his skin, which is a small blessing. "Well, I'm sure we'll find this Dotta person soon enough and get me back to normal."
Carter rests her hand on her P-90. "Good point. Let's get going. The sooner this is over, the better."
I can only nod and follow her, along with the rest of the group. Daniel eventually makes his way over to me. "Hey."
"Think you can behave yourself? If you go off all the time, this'll take even longer."
Behave myself? Ah, a hint of jealousy in his voice. He means the girl hunting thing. "Of course." I lower my voice so the others won't hear. "I only have eyes for you, you know that. It's just this damn spell…but as long as you're with me, I'm sure I'll be fine."
Daniel nods, and we walk the next few minutes in silence. Then, all of a sudden, my nose twitches in a…familiar way. Oh no, I promised Daniel. But…I can't…my legs are going without my consent.
"Jack?"
And I'm off, running towards a small village on the edge of our sights. I'm really sorry, Danny, but I've just got to find this woman my nose has picked up and--
"Jack! I am SO going to shoot you for this!"
"You and I both, Daniel Jackson."
"I suppose we should go after him."
"I wouldn't be adverse to sedating him."
Like I said, don't ask me how I get into these situations. Just please, please, PLEASE…help me get out of it.
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Author's Prattle: Okay, here's another fic one-shot I did, and it's enough of a fusion that I think it belongs in my No Need for Daniel! fic. I mean, sure, "Oops" is a nice fusion, but it's not enough of one. This one…the people actually take on the traits of the characters. So, I hope you found the fusion with Sorcerer Hunters amusing!
Disclaimer. I don't own Stargate SG-1. They belong to SciFi, Gekko, and a number of other companies. I'm just borrowing their characters. I also don't own Sorcerer Hunters, that belongs to ADV films and Satoru Akahori.
And for those of you that don't know the series…well, it's about this group of people that go around hunting bad sorcerers. One's got muscles, one's got magic, two are dominatrix, and the lead has a unique gift that changes him into a monster from hell. The conversion chart's below.
Carrot: Jack O'Neill
Marron: Daniel Jackson
Gateau: Teal'c
Chocolate: Samantha Carter
Tira: Janet Fraiser
And Dotta as herself!
So, I hope you enjoyed this brief foray into humor, and as always, feedback is appreciated.