Author's Note:
Thanks so much for all your comments! Really appreciate you taking time to let me know what you felt about the chapter … … Arigato gozaimasu! I hope this update is fast enough !!!! Between, I realised there was some discrepancy in the chapter. The way the captors kept talking about Rui as "he" and then acted surprise that "he" was a "boy"! So I have made changes that they kept referring to him as "the kid" until they realised that "the kid" was a boy! I do apologise for the confusion!
*Yan* : Hi !!! The trigger for Rui's attackers was anger at the thought of being thwarted, wanting to hit them where it would really hurt, and also partly because Rui was too "pretty". Ah, the problems of having a pretty face! Is Priest of the Church a book or a movie? I must confess that I have not hear of it before.
piglet: Thanks so much for reading !!! I must admit that I was a bit worried about getting flamed when I wrote this chapter – especially by Rui Fans. Yet to be honest my entire story resulted from this idea. One day, the thought suddenly struck me – how if Rui acts the way he does because he underwent a terrible experience? How if he had been a rape victim? Then the entire plot fell in place.
Kara: Thank you thank you! *bows* I'm really thrilled that you like this! Thanks for your encouragement – I hope you will like the next chapter too!
Angel72: Hi!! Good to see you again !!! As per requested – this chapter is about how Rui deals (or is incapable) of dealing with his terrible experience! I hope you'll like it! :)
Toinks: Wow, thanks for leaving a comment for each chapter – that was like 4 times !!! Actually, I must confess that I'm really quite an idiot when it comes to computers and hacking er … … er … … that's far worse! I'm extremely IT challenged. I guess I was trying to recall what I had watched on movies before – which was rather limited. I'm so glad that it was convincing!
vic~vic~vic : Ah a new reader !!! Cool !! Close, Rui's ten turning to eleven. But definitely still a kid and far from being an adult. Thanks for reading! This is almost the most angsty it'll get for Rui. Almost ;)
Drina : Hi!! Great to have your insightful comments as per normal! I'm so glad that you can relate how this experience had "resulted" in his "weird" personality in HYD! I was really hoping that someone would so I must say I'm really delighted!
Chapter 10 – Broken
The first sensation that hit me as I slowly drifted into consciousness was the warmth that surrounded me, and the softness beneath my face. As I breathed in deeply, the unfamiliar smell of disinfectant assailed my nostrils. I struggled for a couple of seconds before finally managing to force my eyelids slightly apart. Why was it so difficult to open my eyes? All I could see was a large expansion of whiteness before the blurry shapes finally sharpened. I saw that I was lying prone on a white bed. I tried to lift my head but the acute pain that resulted from the slight movement strongly discouraged me from further attempts.
As further sensation returned to my body, I realized that I was aching all over as if I had overstrained all my muscles. I made an attempt to move my legs to make sure that I was not paralysed. Immediately, a wave of white hot pain swept over my body. The pain was so intense that I could not breathe for a moment as tears came to my eyes. Even worse than the actual pain was the images that it evoked. Like a jigsaw puzzle, everything fell in place. For a moment, I relived through the horror of the atrocity that had taken place when I was last conscious. I shook uncontrollably as the pain, humiliation, disgust and guilt overwhelmed me. No, my brain screamed. Stop thinking, stop thinking, stop, stop, STOP! I was not even aware that I was screaming loudly until I felt a hand on my shoulder. Instantly, I panicked and started thrashing violently, trying my best to throw off the hand. Chaos erupted.
"Calm down! Calm down! Everything's okay." A voice tried to soothe me. However, I was beyond listening and continued to struggle with all my remaining strength.
"Call Dr Halford, quick! He's going to hurt himself if he keeps this up." I heard more voices as several hands tried to hold me down, and I completely lost my head.
"Shit, look at that blood, he's burst his stitches!"
"Hold him still, I'm going to administer the sedative … …" I felt a pinprick on my arm, then my struggles weakened as I drifted into darkness again … …
When I surfaced for the second time, my aching body immediately brought back the memories. I simply lay there unmoving, keeping my eyes tightly shut as I allowed waves of despair and guilt to wash over me. I heard someone shifting a chair to my bedside, but I continued to close my eyes.
"Stein, I know you're awake. Look at me." The familiar voice belonged to Prof. I did not respond, keeping my face carefully averted from him. Somehow I could not bring myself to look at him. "Stein … … please … …" His voice caught. I shut out his voice completely - it was too soon and my wounds were still raw. I needed time alone to try to get a hold on myself to accept what had taken place, even if I never healed. Still drowsy from the drugs, I went back to sleep.
The cycle was repeated over and over again. I would wake up hearing familiar voices trying to talk to me, refuse to respond, reject any form of nourishment, and retreat into myself until sleep claimed me. However, I found no respite in sleep because I was constantly plagued by nightmares and would wake up screaming, my heart pounding rapidly as if I had been running for miles. After my violent reactions to any attempt to touch or comfort me, the nurses wisely left me alone with the lights on as I curled into my fetal position … …
"You promised to keep him safe! He's only ten for god's sake!" It sounded like an enraged female.
"We took all the precautions we could. No one expected this to happen and we are just as upset about it as you are." The male was obviously trying to soothe the female's ruffled feathers.
"Where the hell were you?"
Apparently the female found another target because a different male voice answered, "there was an emergency. So I was called away by J … …"
"Leaving the poor defenseless boy to fend for himself!"
"You make it seem as if I deserted him on purpose! What about yourself? Why did you only turn up today? We had been trying to contact you for the past four days."
"I was helping another group with their mission! I trusted you all and came back only to find this!"
"… … his parents?"
A bitter laugh, "they were trusting enough to believe that the course has been extended. God … ... What actually happened?" There was an extremely long silence then finally a choked sob and a low moan. "How can you keep this tape?"
"For his future psychiatrists' reference and as evidence against them."
"And his … his … tormentors?"
"All dead except for the leader. The other three were killed by the team we sent." Then the voice hardened, "they will regret ever leaving this 'present' for us … …"
"But what good does that do him now?" There was a long silence … …
Jasmine flowers, was my first thought when I woke up surrounded by the sweet scent. Someone was humming a familiar tune as soft hands gently stroked my forehead. The pain in my head had completely disappeared – had I died and gone to heaven?
"Mother," the word escaped from my lips in a whisper. The hand stilled and the humming stopped. I finally gathered enough courage to open my eyes, and my heart plummeted when I saw Mrs Toudou sitting on my bedside. "Oh … …" At my soft sound of disappointment, tears came to her eyes and she struggled to maintain a shaky smile on her trembling lips as she brushed back my fringe tenderly.
"Rui, how are you feeling today?" I looked at her with dead eyes and saw the pain reflected in hers. "My poor Rui," soft arms gently wrapped themselves around me. I flinched slightly and then forced myself to hold still as I was enveloped by warmth and the scent of Jasmine flowers. Feel the difference, I told myself sternly. Feel the difference between this and … … Focus on this and don't think, forget … … After a short while, I disengaged myself from the embrace. As I lifted my head, I met the eyes of J – he had somehow entered the room when we were preoccupied.
"Rui, the doctors say that you have more or less recovered physically. Are you still in pain?" I shook my head slowly – making sure to avoid meeting his eyes. The stitches had been removed and the pains had been replaced by a dull ache that was also fast vanishing. "Then you can be discharged today. Your parents believe that your course has been extended so you will be staying with Mrs Toudou for a few days." All impeccably planned to the last detail as per normal, I thought bitterly. Obeying his orders automatically, I slowly slid off the bed, grabbed my clothes and walked a little stiffly into the bathroom. My body was still a little sore which was no surprise considering that they practically had to sew me back together.
"He'll heal." I heard J commenting to Mrs Toudou as I closed the door. I pulled on my clothes and walked to the sink. As I washed my hands and splashed water onto my face, I lifted my head and stared into the mirror. A pair of large dark eyes fringed with dark eye lashes looked back at me, appearing too huge for the thin, pale face with delicate features framed by the longish brown hair. Although the face looked familiar, there was a strange haunted expression on the face and the eyes. Eyes that appeared far too old and knowing, eyes that somehow conveyed unspoken horrors … …
Suddenly, something in me broke. I shouted in fury as I grabbed the bottle of disinfectant by the sink and flung it straight into the mirror, shattering the glass into a million pieces. I was filled with a wild consuming hatred for my face – those girly delicate features. If only I wasn't so "pretty", if only the team had arrived early, if only, if only … … The door burst open seconds later. They found me kneeling in front of the sink amongst the broken glass, my body trembling like a leaf in the wind, staring at the blood spurting from a large gash on one thin wrist with a sharp fragment clutched tightly in my other hand that was still dripping with blood … …
I cannot quite recall the events leading to my being installed in one of Mrs Toudou's many guestrooms. Apparently, I was sedated subsequent to my breakdown to prevent me from causing any further harm to myself. My memories of my one-week stay at Mrs Toudou's house are also pretty hazy, although I remember constantly being surrounded by a stream of nurses and doctors. J also sent a team of the best psychiatrists who worked for the government exclusively, and were privy to their secrets on a need-to-know basis. I alternated between two states - drug-induced sleep (to prevent nightmares) and facing therapy in my waking hours. What I underwent brought the definition of intensive therapy to previously unheard of levels - I figured that I must have created a pretty sizable dent in their funds.
I was never left alone and everyone talked to me constantly, especially the psychiatrists. The latter explained to me the mentality of my rapists, the hidden political agendas, what they had sought to achieve by attacking me and how they would succeed if I broke down. Hell, J even visited me and gave me a three-hour lecture about the entire political history behind my attack and expounded in great detail similar incidents that happened in the past. By the time he left, I was pale faced and trembling. The psychiatrists banned him from returning. However, his visit did me more good than harm in the long-run, because J achieved his aim of letting me know that I was simply a victim of circumstances – being at the wrong place at the wrong time. I understood that the objective of my rapists was not a personal attack (which would have been should they know what I really was), but to lower (and even destroy) the morale on our side by making the agents feel terrible remorse that they had inadvertently caused grievous harm to an innocent child close to (or even related to) them.
Again and again, I was reassured that it was not my fault that something like that happened, that it was normal to feel scared, confused, depressed, ashamed, angry, be in denial etc. Basically, I was fed the full works until I was ready to scream with frustration. Instead, I simply withdrew more and more into myself, refusing to participate in these sessions or even say a single word. They even resorted to leaving me books on the topic when all I wanted was to be left alone. Quite frankly, my mental facilities were in perfect order - I understood everything they were saying. I knew it I did not ask for it, I knew it was not my fault, I knew that feeing confused, depressed, angry and even guilt etc was illogical but these feelings came with the package of being raped. I even read that rapists were known to mess with their victim's mind and confuse them by manipulating them to the point of erection or even ejaculation.
However, having all these knowledge did not help me in the slightest. I knew that they were all talk, that they had never experienced the pain, the humiliation, the degradation and the guilt. They were not the ones subject to having their anus sewn back, injected with penicillin to prevent bacterial infection or undergoing all sorts of humiliating tests to ensure they had not contacted any sexually transmitted disease. And most of all, they weren't the ones living with the memories, having to deal with the confusion over their sexuality, the secret fear and self-recrimination that they had possibly "enjoyed" the experience. Knowledge may be able to hold fear at bay to a certain extent, but it can never wipe the horrific memories of the experience or lessen my anguish in anyway. Although, I would eventually recover physically, I did not know if my broken spirit would ever recover, and the deep emotional scars would always remain … …