Author's Note: Thanks so much for the lovely reviews and support that I have received. I was really pleasantly surprised that there were no flames and that chapter 11 was pretty well received! Thanks for being broad minded enough to accept the scene!
Piglet and Kara: Hi!!! Thanks for your encouraging comments!! I'm so glad that you both actually felt Rui's frustration in the last chapter (that's one of the best compliments a writer can receive :)). I hope you will be able to recover with him in this! (excellent guess Kara!)
Fresh8: I hope this chapter will lift your spirits up a little? Thanks for reading !!! :)
*Yan*: This may sound really weird, but I kind of sympathesised with him too!
*Rui* You hypocrite, you just love to watch me suffer!
*Sheen* er … er … not really … urm … you see …
*Rui* Stop trying to come up with feeble excuses (starts chasing Sheen with a chopper)
*Sheen* You shouldn't over exert yourself! (running as fast as possible)
ToinKs: Love your comments! I'm so glad you found the explanation convincing. I had a hard time trying not to make it overdramatic – it still may pretty much be so, but I'm really trying to tone it down to make everything seem more realistic. Definitely I agree with you, regardless, Rui is still only a kid, not even a teenager even if he is extremely mature.
Lian3: Thanks so much! I'm really glad that you emphathesized with Rui as well!
cm: (My god I can't believe you actually left a comment – really made my day! And just as insightful as your stories !!! Thank you thank you!) Touche! I definitely have to agree with you that Rui is not all that lovable in Façade as well ;) It is really fun to breath life into the "perfect" character and draw attention to all his flaws and weaknesses! (which is why I love the angst in your stories!)
xin2005: Ah a new reader !!! Welcome !! *Looks in the mirror* Hmmm …. … if I count my reflection as well as the person creating the reflection, then that'll be two. Then do I consider my brain as a separate entity? Sorry xin2005, just on a caffeine high becoz it's around 1am now! *Yawn* :) I'm the only one writing the story, thanks so much for your kind comments!!!
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Chapter 11 – Picking Up the Pieces
My relief from finally being "released" was marred by my stepmother. The moment I stepped into the house, she started asking lots of questions regarding my "music training". I tried to dampen her enthusiasm by restricting my responses to a nod, shake of head or a shrug. Not at all put off by my nonchalance, she turned to Mrs Toudou who had to quickly invent lots of creative answers on the spot. I had enough of hearing "how much Rui 'enjoyed' himself" and escaped into my room as soon as I could. I felt the stress of the past few weeks eased off a little, knowing that I would at last be left in peace to lick my wounds.
My life resumed and I was really grateful that my parents were so caught up in their work, because they left me strictly alone as usual. Another good thing was that the counseling sessions had stopped. The psychiatrists finally gave up when they realized that I would never cooperate or even respond to them. I could finally start to do what I wanted i.e. to shelve the incident and put it behind me, so that I would be able to pretend nothing was wrong and get on with my life. To most people, I appeared to be just as unresponsive as always. However, my façade was no longer an act. Inwardly I was a mess of nerves and suffered intensively from my experience as most rape victims did. I withdrew from the world, avoided all human contact and experienced anxiety attacks when left alone with any male for longer time periods. One incident in particular stood out in my mind. Apathetic as usual, I had zoned out when Tsukasa decided to scare me by tackling me from behind. I totally freaked out when my arms were suddenly pinned to my sides and I was rendered immobile by strong arms that encircled my ribs. Shizuka informed me later that I dropped to the ground with my body jerking uncontrollably and started foaming at the mouth. Fortunately, she had the peace of mind to quickly call for help. The rest were so scared by the incident that they never attempted anything else.
Talking about Shizuka, I had requested that the minimum be revealed to her, not wanting her to know the ugly truth. All she was told was that I had been attacked. However, Shizuka is far from lacking in intelligence and she is extremely good at putting two and two together. I knew she suspected more than she let on, especially from the change in my behaviour – the constant edginess, the immediate retraction from any form of physical or even emotional contact, and the new wariness in my eyes. Things were always better when she was around to watch out and "take care" of me. Also, we had opened up to each other prior to my "accident", she understood me very well. She always knew when to give me my personal space and never crowded me. In spite of or perhaps because of everything, I have to admit that I also distanced myself from her, unable to handle the pity and concern that I saw in those dark eyes. Yet, because of her kind nature and her tremendous efforts to protect our friendship, the tenuous bond between us never snapped. I was and will always be grateful to her for that.
Although I did not tell anyone, preferring to deal with my trauma in my own way and being afraid to show further weakness, there were times when I experienced flashbacks. The overwhelming sense of powerlessness, humiliation and helpless fury would drive me back into my room, as I huddled in bed under my blankets shaking in fear, confusion and disgust. In addition my sleep patterns deteriorated and I suffered from insomnia. I would stay awake not daring to close my eyes because of the constant nightmares, and drug myself only when I was too tired to function. The combination of mental exhaustion and the potency of the sleeping drugs somehow allowed me to slip into a deep dreamless sleep for at least four to five hours.
Even though I never felt the urge to cut myself again, I did exhibit other forms of self-destructive behaviour. I started experimenting with alcohol and drugs as a form of escapism. I experienced my first hangover before I turned eleven – even Soujirou could not "boast" of such a record. I tried almost anything and everything from popping all types of barbiturates, ecstasy pills, smoking marijuana and Ice, snorting cocaine and even injecting heroine. Yet, somehow there was this little voice at the back of my head that prevented me from totally letting go, or perhaps from getting caught. I did not allow myself to become addicted to any drug, limiting the doses and using them only when the need for relief became unbearable … …
Under J's orders, I was left strictly alone by the rest of the "agents" (other than Mrs Toudou of course) for six months. No one made any attempt to contact me. However, I knew that our meeting was inevitable. I still remember the Saturday afternoon when once again I quietly walked down the now familiar corridor to the library. It seemed like another lifetime ago when Shizuka had led me down the same corridor. As I expected, J was sitting behind the desk as I stood in front of him, keeping my eyes focused on an invisible spot on the desk.
"Rui, how are you feeling?" I nodded dumbly without lifting my eyes.
"Look at me." He commanded. I flickered my eyes upwards and caught sight of his impassive face before looking down again.
"We need you back eventually, Rui. Our country needs you. However, if you're not ready … …"
"I'm not ready to go back, not there." My voice wavered.
"The hideout no longer exists. You should know that, Rui." My eyes widened slightly, then I chided myself for not having drawn that obvious conclusion. Of course they would no longer use a place that is known by the enemy – my brain activity must have slowed down because of the drugs. I angled my head in acknowledgement.
"The new area is heavily guarded and quite frankly if you prefer, you can do most of the work at home. I know your father has always hired bodyguards for you." Yes, that was true for all of our gang. I was probably safer at home than anywhere else. "In addition, I want to send you for intensive training in self defense, Rui," he continued. "So what do you say?" I kept quiet for a while – was I ready to go back? Was I ready to continue with my "work"? The voice at the back of my head started rattling off the pros and cons. It would keep me occupied and prevent boredom. Yet, danger still lurked. However, the enemy did not even know your identity! Others may find out. You're still scared. Naturally! Do you want to remain scared forever?
I lifted up my head and for the first time looked J directly in the eyes, "I'll do it."
His face broke into one of the few genuine smiles I had ever seen, "welcome back, Stein." I shook his hand firmly. I was still unable to return his smile, but one day I would be able to smile again. One day … …
I underwent J's "intensive training" program and learnt different types of fighting styles from the best – Karate, Judo, Taekwando, boxing, unarmed combat, fighting with all weapons and even how to shoot. I took the course very seriously and trained very hard. I found fighting rather easy because it required not only brawn but brains as well. With the level of skills I achieved and the tactics I deployed, I became one of their best fighters and was practically unbeatable on a one-to-one fight. Somehow, the ability to protect myself gave me back some of the self-confidence that I had lost. Occasionally I would run into Shizuka who came for her practices as well.
"Rui, you've changed." Shizuka told me softly one day after she watched me spar with another opponent. I had beaten him up mercilessly and brutally, almost to the point of unconsciousness. For the first time, there was an expression akin of fear in her eyes. "Your eyes are so cold and emotionless. It's like you don't have human feelings anymore. I want my friend back, Rui … … Come back please … …" And she wept.
I would not have beaten up the guy so badly if I had seen her entering. Anyway, that guy was an arrogant bully and he had rubbed me up the wrong way too many times. Furthermore, he was Shizuka's age and was two years older than me. And we know too well that the physical differences between a twelve and fourteen year old are quite significant. It was just like her to feel sorry for some completely undeserving son of a bitch. I ignored the little voice in my head telling me that my previous thought could quite as easily apply to someone else. However, when I stood there watching her slight form shake with sobs as she buried her face in her hands, I felt an unfamiliar urge to comfort her come over me. It had been quite a while since I had felt anything even remotely positive towards a fellow human being. I finally decided to give in to my instincts and hesitatingly placed an arm around her shoulders in an attempt to comfort her, only flinching slightly when she turned and wept against my shoulder.
"Sorry," I whispered very softly, almost to myself, as I held her lightly with one arm. I did not realize then but I had started to stop feeling sorry for myself (i.e. effectively being a self-absorbed prick ... er hm … please excuse the language), and that the impenetrable wall of ice that I had built to protect myself (and to contain my emotions) had finally begun to thaw – at least as for as she was concerned. When, she finally stopped crying and a pair of wet eyes lifted themselves to my face, I found myself saying, "want to play a duet?" My attempt to cheer her up was rewarded by a beautiful smile as her eyes lit up. However, she shook her head slowly.
"No, but would you please play your violin for me? I haven't heard you play for ages! Please? Pretty please?" I gave in. I brought her to my place and we went to my music room. She quickly took a seat on the piano stool as I walked to the cabinet and removed my beloved violin from its case. Almost automatically, I took up my usual position in front of the windows that directly overlooked the huge pond. Rays of sunlight danced across the surface of the pond creating an illusion that the calm waters were shimmering with a golden light. I stood motionless for a while, losing myself in the beauty of Mother Nature. Then with a smooth movement, I tucked my violin under my chin and drew my bow fluidly across the strings. As always, the music took control of me and I was no longer aware of anything but the feel of my violin beneath my fingers and the soothing effect of the beautiful sounds on my weary, tainted soul.
One song flowed into another - heavy, melancholy, soft, loud, harsh, almost discordant at times, mocking and heart-wrenchingly sad - and I poured out my pain, my anger, my fear, my confusion, my guilt and a thousand other emotions as I played. I finally ended my "performance" with my (and my mother's) favourite song. I swallowed the lump in my throat and closed my eyes tightly to prevent tears from forming, as the hauntingly beautiful music filled the room. As the last clear note died away, my hands fell limply to my sides. I kept my eyes closed as I took in a deep breath – somehow the experience had been strangely cleansing. It was as if a balm had been placed on my soul. I broke out of my reverie when the silence was shattered by the sound of applause. I turned around to see Shizuka clapping enthusiastically.
"That was beautiful," she breathed. I almost managed a smile – almost. She slid off the stool and walked to me. "I've got to go home now, it's time for dinner. My mum will be worried." She said gently. My gaze shifted to the windows and I saw to my surprise that it was completely dark outside. I had been playing for ages and Shizuka had simply sat there patiently like a doctor, letting me lance my boils. I felt a sudden rush of gratitude for her. "Thank you, Rui!" To my surprise, she tiptoed and her lips barely brushed my forehead. "Ja ne!" She said brightly before walking swiftly to the door.
"Shizuka," I said quietly but clearly as she opened the door. She paused and turned to me with a questioning look.
I turned away, slightly embarrassed by what I was attempting to do, "thank you." From the corner of my eyes, I saw the surprise look on her face, and then a small knowing smile passed fleetingly over her lips.
"There's nothing to thank me for," she said lightly and closed the door behind her. I shook my head – Shizuka, you can't fool me. You are just as transparent to me as I am to you. She had obviously planned to provide me with this "therapy session" right from the start. However, I had to admit that she had succeeded beyond the psychiatrists. For once I actually felt at peace, freed from my nightmares. I knew this moment would pass very soon, but I was ready to enjoy it at least for as long as it would last