Anamnesis
I hear her talking, but I can't bring myself to pay attention to her words. I started listening, really. She told Max about our past, about Vilandra. And he...reacted badly. I got that much. But then the light caught her hair, and I was dragged back into the memories which have kept me awake for months. This world fades away, and the woman standing in front of me becomes Vilandra.
Isabel only has hearsay to tell her of Vilandra. All she knows of her past self is what she was told by Whittaker, by Lonnie, by Ava. Not exactly the most trustworthy sources. I know, though. I know better than anyone who Vilandra was, how she was, what she did. Well...I know Vilandra as well as anyone possibly could.
I remember. I remember being Rath, being the second in command of the planet. I remember being the brilliant warrior. I remember Zan, and Ava, and Vilandra. I remember being married to a woman who I didn't understand, a woman who didn't love me. I don't share my memories, though, because I know they wouldn't give anyone any comfort. I don't even think Tess would like to hear of that world where Zan and Ava were the perfect couple, completely in love.
**
I don't know what to do. For the first time in my life, I have no idea how to handle a situation. Life has always come so easily for me; the right move, the perfect strategy, has always been so clear for me to see. But today....
Today, I found my wife with another man. And not just any man, but Kivar. Kivar, who threatens the peace of our world; Kivar who has promised to bathe the walls of the capital in blood. And my wife, the warrior- princess Vilandra, who girls adore and men lust after, has chosen this man to have an affair with.
My wife. In name only, but still my wife. Wife, life....love.... I do love her. I love her more than I love anything of this world. But somehow I can't make her see that. I'm not enough for her. Warrior-princess though she is, she wants more than a warrior for herself.
Don't. Don't.... Don't fall away from me. Don't leave us. Don't betray us. There are so many things I want to say to her, so many ways I want to try to convince her not to do this. But I don't know what to say to her. I don't even know where to start.
Maybe I should start with apologies. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm not the man you wanted, the one you dreamed of. I'm sorry I don't know how to be him. I'm sorry I never lusted after power the way you did, I'm sorry I couldn't fulfill all of your dreams of leadership. I'm sorry of who I am; I'm sorry I ever agreed to your mother's plans for marriage. I'm sorry for so many things. I'm sorry that with me you only exist, and don't live. But most of all, I am sorry that I will not be able to convince you not to do this.
Already, I know, no words of mine would ever be able to change your mind.
**
I can't tell anyone who Vilandra was, what she was. Isabel already fears that her past self was someone horrible. I could only prove that to her. Max already feels he is somehow better than the two of us; telling him would only increase the tension. Not to mention, his confidence in me is so low he might not even believe me. Tess.... Maybe, if she were closer. But now, even the idea of telling Tess and none of the others seems like a betrayal.
I can't tell anyone, but Isabel is here.... She's crying now, arms clutched around herself as though if she could only curl up tightly enough all of this would disappear. She's telling me that this can't be real. That it can't be happening. The light catches on her earring and suddenly her hands turn a deep blood red....
**
Blood. There's so much of it. They've left a trail for me to follow.... I know what is coming, and still I am surprised when I reach the end of the blood. I am surprised to see her. The blood thickens her hair, turns it a ruby red. It drips down her face, marring her perfect features. Even with all the times I have seen blood, seen it on her even, it is vaguely disconcerting to see it on her lifeless body.
I stumble, carrying her limp body towards the palace. I stumble, and she cries out, and I almost drop her. Alive...how could she possibly be alive with all of this blood? But alive she is, and I run even faster, anxious to get to our family. She is alive, and that means everything.
My mind races as I rush through the palace, desperate to reach Zan and his healing powers. I falter though, as I wonder exactly who it is that betrayed Vilandra. Which of her alliances turned against her first?
Could Zan have found out? Could he have done this to his sister? I have to admit to myself that it's possible. But then I am at Zan and Ava's rooms, and I know immediately that this was not Zan's doing. I know there will be no help for Vilandra, and none for me. I know, because the walls are caked in red. The walls are red, two bodies hang from the ceiling, and Kivar waits for me.
**
I look at Isabel and suddenly the veil of blood is lifted off of her, and I come back to this reality. It's hardest to remember finding Vilandra, the mess.... Isabel always looks so perfect – that's one character trait that survived our reincarnation.
Luckily, I don't remember much else after finding Kivar. Luckily, I don't remember any pain. I remember that it was quick – Kivar held no special grudge against me, and thus granted me the quick death one soldier gives another.
Isabel's sobs are louder now, and I shake off the vestiges of our past which I suspect will haunt me for the rest of my life. I open my arms to her and seek to give her whatever little comfort I can.
"Hush," I whisper softly as she clutches at me. Don't fall away from me again, I want to say. But I don't have the words to tell her all I want to, and I will not lie and tell her that Vilandra did no wrong.
Vilandra, I both love and hate. For Isabel, there is only love.
Memories are just where you laid them
Dragging waters till the depths give up their dead
What did you expect to find?
Was it something you left behind?
Don't you remember everything I said when I said,
Don't fall away, and leave me to myself
Don't fall away, and leave love bleeding in my hands,
In my hands again,
Leave love bleeding in my hands, In my hands,
Love lies bleeding...
Oh hold me now, I feel contagious..
Am I the only place that you've left to go?
She cries that life is like some movie black and white..
Dead actors, vacant lies,
Over, and over, and over again she cries..
Don't fall away, and leave me to myself
Don't fall away, and leave love bleeding in my hands,
In my hands again,
Leave love bleeding in my hands,
In my hands,
Love lies bleeding...
And I wanted
You turned away
You don't remember,
But I do..
You never even tried...
Don't fall away, and leave me to myself
Don't fall away, and leave love bleeding in my hands,
In my hands again,
Leave love bleeding in my hands,
In my hands again,
Leave love bleeding in my hands,
In my hands again..
Ohh..
Ohh..
I hear her talking, but I can't bring myself to pay attention to her words. I started listening, really. She told Max about our past, about Vilandra. And he...reacted badly. I got that much. But then the light caught her hair, and I was dragged back into the memories which have kept me awake for months. This world fades away, and the woman standing in front of me becomes Vilandra.
Isabel only has hearsay to tell her of Vilandra. All she knows of her past self is what she was told by Whittaker, by Lonnie, by Ava. Not exactly the most trustworthy sources. I know, though. I know better than anyone who Vilandra was, how she was, what she did. Well...I know Vilandra as well as anyone possibly could.
I remember. I remember being Rath, being the second in command of the planet. I remember being the brilliant warrior. I remember Zan, and Ava, and Vilandra. I remember being married to a woman who I didn't understand, a woman who didn't love me. I don't share my memories, though, because I know they wouldn't give anyone any comfort. I don't even think Tess would like to hear of that world where Zan and Ava were the perfect couple, completely in love.
**
I don't know what to do. For the first time in my life, I have no idea how to handle a situation. Life has always come so easily for me; the right move, the perfect strategy, has always been so clear for me to see. But today....
Today, I found my wife with another man. And not just any man, but Kivar. Kivar, who threatens the peace of our world; Kivar who has promised to bathe the walls of the capital in blood. And my wife, the warrior- princess Vilandra, who girls adore and men lust after, has chosen this man to have an affair with.
My wife. In name only, but still my wife. Wife, life....love.... I do love her. I love her more than I love anything of this world. But somehow I can't make her see that. I'm not enough for her. Warrior-princess though she is, she wants more than a warrior for herself.
Don't. Don't.... Don't fall away from me. Don't leave us. Don't betray us. There are so many things I want to say to her, so many ways I want to try to convince her not to do this. But I don't know what to say to her. I don't even know where to start.
Maybe I should start with apologies. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm not the man you wanted, the one you dreamed of. I'm sorry I don't know how to be him. I'm sorry I never lusted after power the way you did, I'm sorry I couldn't fulfill all of your dreams of leadership. I'm sorry of who I am; I'm sorry I ever agreed to your mother's plans for marriage. I'm sorry for so many things. I'm sorry that with me you only exist, and don't live. But most of all, I am sorry that I will not be able to convince you not to do this.
Already, I know, no words of mine would ever be able to change your mind.
**
I can't tell anyone who Vilandra was, what she was. Isabel already fears that her past self was someone horrible. I could only prove that to her. Max already feels he is somehow better than the two of us; telling him would only increase the tension. Not to mention, his confidence in me is so low he might not even believe me. Tess.... Maybe, if she were closer. But now, even the idea of telling Tess and none of the others seems like a betrayal.
I can't tell anyone, but Isabel is here.... She's crying now, arms clutched around herself as though if she could only curl up tightly enough all of this would disappear. She's telling me that this can't be real. That it can't be happening. The light catches on her earring and suddenly her hands turn a deep blood red....
**
Blood. There's so much of it. They've left a trail for me to follow.... I know what is coming, and still I am surprised when I reach the end of the blood. I am surprised to see her. The blood thickens her hair, turns it a ruby red. It drips down her face, marring her perfect features. Even with all the times I have seen blood, seen it on her even, it is vaguely disconcerting to see it on her lifeless body.
I stumble, carrying her limp body towards the palace. I stumble, and she cries out, and I almost drop her. Alive...how could she possibly be alive with all of this blood? But alive she is, and I run even faster, anxious to get to our family. She is alive, and that means everything.
My mind races as I rush through the palace, desperate to reach Zan and his healing powers. I falter though, as I wonder exactly who it is that betrayed Vilandra. Which of her alliances turned against her first?
Could Zan have found out? Could he have done this to his sister? I have to admit to myself that it's possible. But then I am at Zan and Ava's rooms, and I know immediately that this was not Zan's doing. I know there will be no help for Vilandra, and none for me. I know, because the walls are caked in red. The walls are red, two bodies hang from the ceiling, and Kivar waits for me.
**
I look at Isabel and suddenly the veil of blood is lifted off of her, and I come back to this reality. It's hardest to remember finding Vilandra, the mess.... Isabel always looks so perfect – that's one character trait that survived our reincarnation.
Luckily, I don't remember much else after finding Kivar. Luckily, I don't remember any pain. I remember that it was quick – Kivar held no special grudge against me, and thus granted me the quick death one soldier gives another.
Isabel's sobs are louder now, and I shake off the vestiges of our past which I suspect will haunt me for the rest of my life. I open my arms to her and seek to give her whatever little comfort I can.
"Hush," I whisper softly as she clutches at me. Don't fall away from me again, I want to say. But I don't have the words to tell her all I want to, and I will not lie and tell her that Vilandra did no wrong.
Vilandra, I both love and hate. For Isabel, there is only love.
Memories are just where you laid them
Dragging waters till the depths give up their dead
What did you expect to find?
Was it something you left behind?
Don't you remember everything I said when I said,
Don't fall away, and leave me to myself
Don't fall away, and leave love bleeding in my hands,
In my hands again,
Leave love bleeding in my hands, In my hands,
Love lies bleeding...
Oh hold me now, I feel contagious..
Am I the only place that you've left to go?
She cries that life is like some movie black and white..
Dead actors, vacant lies,
Over, and over, and over again she cries..
Don't fall away, and leave me to myself
Don't fall away, and leave love bleeding in my hands,
In my hands again,
Leave love bleeding in my hands,
In my hands,
Love lies bleeding...
And I wanted
You turned away
You don't remember,
But I do..
You never even tried...
Don't fall away, and leave me to myself
Don't fall away, and leave love bleeding in my hands,
In my hands again,
Leave love bleeding in my hands,
In my hands again,
Leave love bleeding in my hands,
In my hands again..
Ohh..
Ohh..