Author's note: Hi all! I hope the wait isn't that long this time round! I must say this chapter isn't that exciting and I'm having a little trouble trying to straighten out the plot in my head. Hopefully, it's almost there … … :) Once again, thanks so much for your wonderful review – it keeps me writing even late at night when I'm suppose to be working on other things ;)
Lian: Hi there! Actually, to be frank Rui is comparing Tuskushi to Shadow more often than he compares Shizuka to Shadow I must say. Ah, Shizuka being a practiced flirt? That was quite mean of me – I meant to depict her as just being an alluring woman! ;)
Chi5: Thanks for dropping by – glad you liked it !
Angel310: Hey, thanks so much for your review !!! You're really too kind. Loved reading your perspective. Once again, here's another ffing of the manga! However, hopefully the new excerpt at the end will be something new :) In a way, what I'm trying to show is that there is something beneath the seemingly sureness of Rui's feelings for Shizuka in the mange. That he was acting to a certain extent ;) But this chapter his feelings does appear to turn more in one direction!
Nana-chan: You're definitely right! I have selected the scenes that I believe will lead to other new developments. Did you think that Shizuka is confusing and playing mind games? I genuinely thought it was confusing how she seemed to tease Rui, be possessive of him and yet claim that they were only "brother and sister"! Thanks so much for your kind comments !!!
Toinks: Were you surprised that he was confused? Geez Toinks, you should save your compliments for yourself !!!! You're too modest. I read your new story and was totally swept off my feet by the chemistry between Tuskushi and Tuskasa. If I want to read a T&T relationship, I definitely know who I should be begging on my knees to write one!
Piglet: Hi hi! Really glad you liked that chapter and that you actually found something new in Rui's perspective!!! I've been trying hard to add at least something new in each chapter so I must say I'm delighted by your comments! Hopefully, this chapter's "behind the scenes" information will be up to expectations! Thanks so much for reading :)
Blackcat: Hey there !!! Oops … … Ooops …. Sorry, really didn't mean to leave another cliff-hanger (I seriously thought that you would all be yawning because you would know what happened in the manga) !!! Thanks so much for your generous comments – I must say I really love reading them though I know I don't deserve such praise !!! Look at all the brilliant authors around … … :) This chapter is less humours – more angsty. However, I hope you'll still find something interesting or new within!
Kensingtonkid: Things are heating up even more ne ;)? Sorry between you mentioned something like "R/R"? Did I actually write something like that? I was trying to check the last chapter but I can't seem to find it! Sorry, must be one of my stupid mistakes as per normal! Thanks so much for taking so much time to review – I really really appreciate it!
Kousagi-chan : Hi hi! I hope this is soon enough for you! Enjoy ne! And thanks for dropping by J
Ayasaa:Ah yes! Another new reader *dancing around madly*. I'm so glad that you like this fic and with regards to Shadow and Tsukushi – no they're not related. They just happen to resemble each other physically which makes Rui feel more "friendly" or act less of an ice block at least around the latter. I think in general I will follow the storyline of the manga, but try to add some twists to make it slightly different! Thanks so much for your comments and I hope I have answered your qs satisfactorily!
Drina: Welcome back! Thanks so much for your reassurance – boy do I need that ;)! I really like reading your opinions and I am glad that you do find certain things about this story different … … :) Oh yes, before I forget, I am currently situated in Australia. Thanks so much for commenting :)
Rui: You again?
Sheen: *blissfully oblivious to Rui's glare* As always! It seems to me that you are getting closer to Shizuka, Rui! So tell me, has she succeeded in melting that ice encasing your heart?
Rui: Where on earth did you hear that bit of gossip? And what do you mean by that last comment?
Sheen: Eh? Don't you know your reputation for being Mr Ice man? And as for Shizuka, well it's kinda common knowledge.
Rui: Your definition of "common knowledge" is seriously flawed when the person being talked about is not aware of that fact.
Sheen: So it's not true? So would you like to enlighten … … hey, Rui where are you going? I haven't finished asking my questions! Rui, Rui … ….
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Chapter 18 – France Again
"Rui, what are you doing?" I ignored her cries as I pulled her into my room. She tripped and I took advantage of the extra momentum to push her onto my bed. I turned and locked my door before advancing on her sprawled figure with a what I hoped was menacing expression on my face. I knelt on the bed as I bent over her, trapping her between my arms, as my hands sank into the soft mattress on either side of her. For a long moment, I tried to decipher any devious intention in the lovely face that was staring at me in apparent shock and confusion. Failing, I put her to the final test. My head lowered and the long lashes fluttered shut in total submission as I tasted those tempting lips.
I waited for the imperceptible tensing of her body, for those arms to push me away, for her hand to slap me hard. However, nothing like that happened. Instead, her lips were soft and pliant as they moved first gently and then more passionately against mine. Then I felt her slipping her arms around my neck as her fingers tangled in my hair. As I started to lose myself in the heat of the moment, the first pangs of doubt and guilt assaulted me. Why was she so compliant? Did Shizuka really care for me or was I "forcing" her against her will? Was I completely off the mark by being too skeptical and cynical for my own good? And if she was pretending, what right did I have to make her try to endure and hide the humiliation and the disgust of being vilified by my hands? Bile rose in my throat as bitter self-recrimination took over. I suddenly broke off the kiss and pulled away from her embrace, turning my back to her as I sat on the edge of the bed and appeared to be totally engrossed in the intricate patterns woven into the carpet.
"Rui? What's wrong?" Was the concern in the lovely voice real? She is your friend after all, Rui, a voice reminded me dryly. Why are you suddenly so suspicious simply because she grew up and you didn't?
"Why?" I spun around and faced her. "Why are you so accepting about all this? I dragged you in by force! Why aren't you fighting me … …" I bit my lip violently and did not realize that my hands were clenched so tightly that they were actually shaking until Shizuka took me one of my hands in hers and stroked it gently, trying to relax me.
"Rui, it's ok with me … …" She soothed me like a child. Then her voice took on a huskier tone, "I'm happy you need me so much. It's just that sometimes, I forget that you're a man too … …"
"That's not it!" I backed away. "What I want isn't your body, it's … …" I paused, uncertain. What did I want? Someone to love me and whom I could love in turn. Even as realization struck, I was still plagued by doubts. Was Shizuka really the person? Was what I felt for her love or lust? Or were we both simply carried away?
"There is no need to be afraid." She mistook my hesitation for nerves and pulled me closer to her. "This is natural between a man and a woman … …" She smiled reassuringly at me.
"Shizuka, I … …" I was about to correct her mistaken notions regarding my experience or lack of when she leaned forward and pressed one hand softly on my lips, cutting off my remaining sentence.
"Hush … …" she said gently and then her lips covered mine … …
The cool breeze ruffled my hair as I leant against the railing of the ship. Thank goodness Tsukusa had interrupted Shizuaka and myself – with his usual lack of finesse – before anything had really happened. My emotions had been fluctuating wildly in the past hour or so, and I found myself teetering on the edge of falling hard for Shizuka. Or had I already fallen? The kind, understanding and almost loving way she had reacted had touched something deep in me, something that craved for the affection that I lacked in my life in spite of my constant state of denial. I turned my head when I heard footsteps and I saw Tsukushi looking at me with her eyes opened wide, holding something red on a stick in her hand. On closer perusal, I noted it was a barbecued squid.
Eager to be distracted from my thoughts, the words slipped out before they fully registered in my head, "that smells good. Can I try some?"
"Ah … …" her eyes inevitably glanced at the squid and her cheeks flushed a little. "I'll go get you another." I held out my arm to stop her – I could really do with some company at the moment.
"It's fine, I'll just eat this one." I took a bite and started chewing. Hmm, it was actually quite good.
"Where's Shizuka?" I choked at her abrupt question.
When I had somewhat recovered, I spoke calmly, "I don't know. Probably sleeping."
"I'm sorry you were interrupted … …" Her hand flew to her mouth just as my eyes narrowed and I turned sharply to stare at her. What on earth … … so she overheard. "You were listening." My voice was flat.
"I wasn't eavesdropping! I was just passing by … …" We were both equally shocked when suddenly her eyes filled with tears and a crystalline droplet escaped from the corner of her eye and slowly glided down the contour of her smooth cheek. Her hand hastily swiped at it, "smoke … … the smoke from the barbeque got into my eyes." She blurted out.
She was such a terrible actor that I sighed, "women are so troublesome … …" Of all a sudden, here was another one falling head over heels for me. That is if I were to believe Shizuka, I reminded myself. I found a wry smile twisting my lips – why was I suddenly such hot property? It was not that I was unaware of the girls surrounding me in Etoku, but their infatuation was obviously superficial or even faked. However, these two are different altogether. They actually saw me as a human being rather than a goose laying golden eggs, and knew something about the real me that the others did not. Then I realized the Tuskushi was saying something.
"… … don't hate me … … please … … I know I'm the only one who think of us as kind of "stairway buddies" … … but … …" her voice was shaking.
"If I hated you, I wouldn't have carried you … …" I found myself saying and realized that everything I uttered was true. There was no way I could hate this violent and naïve girl who was warm and caring at the same time. Her large tearful eyes widened. Then, my best friend cut in with a clumsy attempt at reconciling with me– it was just one of his usual pathetic efforts – but I was grateful for his timely intervention and responded positively albeit silently in my usual manner. It was time this stupid fight ended. Somehow after that incident, I realized that my feelings for this girl ran deeper than towards a superficial acquaintance and that I actually treated her as a friend or maybe even a sister. In addition, the doubts and suspicions between Shizuka and myself melted away. We were back to our old friendship and perhaps even something more. Somehow, we were spending time alone away from others as we confided in each other our dreams and hopes (or rather Shizuka did most of the talking and I simply watched her) … …
Then, just when I thought everything was peachy, Shizuka made her astounding declaration of disinheriting her name at her birthday party and her resolution to return to France. I was thunderstruck because she had not mentioned anything along those lines in our so-called confidential conversations. However, I was the probably the only one who realized the true meaning behind her gesture – that she was in effect cutting off all ties to the organization and telling them that she would no longer be part of them. What would the consequences of such an action be? Could I be as brave as her? Did I want to be as brave as her? In addition to all the confusion, there was a heavy weight on my chest when I thought of Shizuka being far away from me again. I needed to be alone to think so I left abruptly after telling Tsukushi to inform the rest of my departure.
That night, I was tossing and turning sleepless for once amongst my blankets when my handphone rang. My hand shot out to grab it, silently cursing the party who had most inconsiderately decided to fulfill their whim of calling some other person in the middle of the night "This had better be good," I muttered as I pressed the answer button, "hello."
"Rui."
"Shizuka."
"Can you come out? I want to talk to you."
I was silent for a moment, then "where are you?"
"In your garden."
"Give me a minute." I pulled on my clothes and was down in the garden within moments. She was sitting under our tree, looking like a fallen angel bathed in moonlight with her uneven short hair and wearing a baggy jersey that hang loosely on her slender frame. Sensing my presence, she turned and gestured for me to join her. When I complied silently, she leant her head against my shoulder as I automatically placed an arm around her.
"Are you angry?"
"Should I be?"
"I apologise for not telling you earlier, Rui. However, I was afraid you'll talk me out of it. I have to go back to France – I belong there. I like the freedom there and I can be myself." And no one can stop me from returning, the unspoken words hung heavily in the silence between us. I did not know what to say.
"Rui, would you like to come with me?" I turned to her surprise evident on my face. Then I froze as her hand reached out and brushed a lock of hair out of my eyes before her slender fingers brushed my cheek caressingly. My breath caught and my heart started racing as they slowly traced the outline of my jaw. I trapped those fingers in mine and touched them lightly with my lips. For a moment, I felt a wild hope raising in my chest as I glanced at the emotion that darkened those brown eyes. Was it … … love? Had I found the woman of my dreams?
"Rui, I would love to have a supportive friend around that I can trust. Also, isn't it time that you think of your future? Are you going to tie yourself to the agency for your entire life? Shouldn't you think of breaking free and finding yourself? Besides, hasn't it always been your dream to make music your career? Where better than in Europe? And … …" she took in a deep breath. "And I care deeply for you, more than any other man at the moment. I can't say I love you, but … …"
"Do you know what you're asking me to give up?" My voice was low. My emotions were in a total mess. In one minute she had raised my hopes and in the next shattered them completely by telling me that she did not love me. What about her misleading behaviour? I felt that she was toying with my feelings and making me fall madly for her so that she could manipulate me to her convenience. And I had to admit that I was starting to fall for her. The disappointment and hurt cut me to the quick. I lashed out wanting to hurt her just as badly, "you just want a companion so that you won't be alone in France! You are so selfish, Shizuka. You want me to disown my friends and family so that I can be at your beck and call? Everything is at your convenience isn't it? How if I ask you to stay in Japan instead for my sake?"
She turned deathly pale, "I can't and I won't stay in Japan. I want to fulfill my dreams in France."
I decided to change tactics as a last resort, "please Shizuka?" I reached out and held her tightly against me. "You know we all need you here. If you wait just a couple of years, I can finish high school and ask my father to send me to university in France."
"I don't want to wait, Rui."
"Please?" I lowered my face into her hair and begged her for the second time in my life. "I'll miss you so much, you do mean a lot to me. You are currently the most important woman in my life. Please, don't leave."
"No!" She struggled out of my embrace and I felt a stinging slap on my face. "No one tells me what to do, not even you, Rui! Either you come with me or we're through!" My face paled as she spun around and ran out of the garden not looking back once … …