Chapter 1

Barret and RedXIII's Crazy Male Adventures!

Yeah, I know what you're thinking. What could POSSIBLY be fun about RedXIII and Barret? I mean, they're both so… BORING!

Well, I suppose it might have been better to have Barret with Yuffie and RedXIII with no one, but that's just not how the story goes, Mister Man. So get over it.

" Look! It's Kalm!" Barret shouted happily, and began running in that weird gorilla way. RedXIII followed resentfully. Cid could have at LEAST dropped him off at Cosmo Canyon. Oh well. At least the music at Kalm was better than Cosmo Canyon's.

" Marlene! Marlene!" Barret screamed, running through Kalm like a wild man, pushing everyone out of the way. But they didn't care. You know why? Because they would just explode later. I think now is the time to introduce the very popular theory called, Hayley's Theory of Explosion. See, if someone, ANYONE just isn't important and isn't going to appear more than once, they simply explode. Just like that. You know those buses that you take just ONCE in your life, and you know that bus driver? He will just simply drive off and explode when the time comes.

So please don't worry about those poor Kalm townsfolk. They'll be exploding soon enough.

" Marlene? Where are you?" Barret called, checking every house in Kalm since he hadn't been smart enough to ask Reeve which house Marlene and Elmyra were living. The townsfolk didn't really mind that he was barging into their house and looking around. They were used to it.

After awhile, it began to occur to Barret that Marlene just plain WASN'T IN THAT OLD TOWN. I'm not kidding! Have YOU ever been to Kalm and been able to find Marlene? I didn't think so.

Poor Barret began to break down in the middle of town and cry like a big baby. RedXIII padded up to him and would have patted him on the back if he had hands or any sort of patting appendages.

" It's alright, Barret. I don't think Marlene would explode." He said, but this only made things worse. It hadn't occurred to Barret that Marlene might explode, and this just made him cry harder. Poor Barret.

" NOTHING could ease my pain now!" Barret sobbed.

" Not even a BUDDY BARN frozen dinner?!" Questioned the Buddy Barn Dude looking to appear in every Random Adventure with Shoopuf Dude story I ever write in my life.

" NOT EVEN A BUDDY BARN FROZEN DINNER!" Barret confirmed Buddy's worst fears.

" Darn." Said Buddy Barn Frozen Dinner Seller, and snapped his fingers and walked away with his head hung low. He didn't explode, though. He was far too important to do something irresponsible like THAT.

" How will I ever find Marlene in this big wide world with less than thirty places that people actually live in?" Barret asked himself. " Where should I start looking?"

" I would start looking in Cosmo Canyon." RedXIII suggested for his own selfish reasons.

" I know! You're a dog, right?" Barret exclaimed, looking over to RedXIII eagerly.

" I am what you see." RedXIII stated. Even HE didn't REALLY know what he was. For all we know, he could really be a human whose family was cursed to be some weird animal thing that lived a long time and Bugenhagen really WAS his grandfather! I mean, Bugenhagen lived a lot longer than any human I know, so maybe… just MAYBE…

" Okay, you're a dog then." Barret said, deducting from what he saw, which looked and sounded a lot like a dog. He pulled out his wallet, and then showed RedXIII Marlene's spare toothbrush that he kept whenever she needed a spare! It was pink with green bristles. One UGLY toothbrush. " You can pick up Marlene's scent and lead me to her!"

RedXIII looked at Barret like the idiot Barret is in this particular story. Did RedXIII LOOK like Sniffy the Wonder-Sleuth? This was just… insulting!

" Barret, you and I know that I can't find your adoptive daughter by just sniffing that toothbrush." RedXIII said with as much lenience for Barret as he could muster, which was a lot, since we all know RedXIII is a pretty patient…person…

" To YOU it's just a toothbrush, but to me it's a golden, shiny toothbrush of hope!" Barret argued insistently, and if Final Fantasy 7 were an anime, RedXIII would have gotten a big sweat mark right then and there!

" Oh, alright." RedXIII grumbled, figuring if he just went along with Barret's stupid plan that then he would leave him alone. Barret would leave HIM alone. Or vice-versa. It really doesn't matter.

So RedXIII sniffed the ugly toothbrush, and WHAT DID HE SMELL? Toothpaste. Minty citrus toothpaste. It smelled pretty good, and he took his time enjoying the smell of the minty citrus toothpaste until he began to get a headache.

" Do you smell Marlene?" Barret said, giving RedXIII an uneasy look as he slowly brought the toothbrush away.

" Sure." RedXIII lied.

" REALLY? I never expected that to work! Alright! So follow that scent!" Barret cried, pointing in a random direction. Which happened to be north.

RedXIII began to walk north very slowly, with his head against the ground so he could fool poor old gullible Barret into thinking he was actually following a scent. They walked north until they ran into a wall. Barret knocked the wall down with a summon, it can be any summon you want to imagine, and then they continued north until they were walking RIGHT INTO THE OCEAN! NOOOOO!

RedXIII thought about tricking Barret into walking into the ocean and dying an untimely death, but I don't think RedXIII is that evil, or even evil at all, so he simply sat at the shore and stared into the sea blankly.

" OH NO! MARLENE RAN INTO THE SEA AND DIED!" Barret cried.

I'd like to take this time to apologize for making Barret ridiculously out of character. He's being a twit and he doesn't even talk like a crazy Mr.T look-a-like character would talk. I was going to just have Rufus out of character, but now I've gone and done it with Barret too. So I guess I'll just have Rufus become in character again and Barret will be the only one out of character. I'm just not very good at writing Barret, but then again, most people aren't or you'd see a LOT more Barret fanfics instead of Sephiroth Yaoi ones, now wouldn't you?

" No, she didn't." RedXIII said quickly, turning east. Although he had to think first, Never Eat Soggy Wheat, since he's a… thing… and he didn't have any fingers to direct himself with. " I sense Marlene to… the east."

" Oh. Okay." Said Barret, and began to walk foolishly east, with a really blank expression. Like a cow. I'm really sorry, all you Barret fans. I myself am a Barret fan. If you want to know the truth, the coolest guys to ever come out of Japan are Barret Wallace and Jet Black. I mean, come on, they're both REAL MEN and have an iron arm. Although Barret has a gun, but it doesn't matter.

Well, they walked and they walked and they walked and I bet a lot of interesting things happened to them, but I'm too lazy to write about it. After awhile, they finally reached the NEXT LANDMARK! The Chocobo Farms! And everyone knows that's the hottest place for rumours and information, right? So they walked in and went straight to Choco Billy.

" Hello," said Choco Billy. He had his hands full taking care of all the chocobos that had been used to get the golden chocobo and the Knights of the Round materia. " We have all kinds of greens here. Ghysal greens, Rhyven greens, Fried greens, Baked greens…" He was just going on and on like that dude from Forrest Gump.

" I wonder if you would have an easier time finding Marlene with a chocobo." RedXIII remarked, all the while trying to control his natrual instinct to messily devour all the chocobos around them.

" EUREKA!" Barret shouted, " That's it!"

"…Green stew, Green Gumbo, and Fried greens with rice. And that's pretty much all the different kind of greens. Now on nuts…" But just before Choco Billy could get started on nuts, he was rudely interrupted.

" Where's the golden Chocobo Cloud bred in here?" Barret asked.

" Well, I DON'T KNOW." Choco Billy said in a very offended tone. " All I know is that you fill this place up with seven chocobos and you take the golden one and then you never come back to see the other ones! Chocobos get lonely, you know." He added.

" Are you sure YOU'RE not the one getting lonely?" RedXIII asked.

" Don't get smart with me." Choco Billy warned.

" Is it okay if I mate that S Class Black Chocobo with that S Class Dashing Chocobo?" Barret continued, saying all of this very easily as if he said it everyday. Which he didn't, by the way.

" Fine. Just mate away!" Choco Billy shouted, throwing up his hands in disgust and walking away to… wherever he feels like. Does anyone really care? Have you seen any shrines to Choco Billy out there?

" Wait… um… how do you mate them again?" Barret inquired, looking embrassed, as if EVERYONE should now how to get big yellow ostriches to mate.

" You select the two that you want to mate." RedXIII said, having photographic memory and being able to remember the days when Cloud would do it. Just because I say so and because he probably does.

" Okay, done that." Barret said.

" Then you need to select the nut you wish to feed them before mating." RedXIII continued paitently.

This was just a little weird, but Barret nodded. " But with Choco Billy gone, we don't have any nuts. And as far as I know, Choco Billy is the only one to sell nuts in the world!"

" The Chocobo Sage does," RedXIII corrected him, " But unfortunately, we have no means of reaching him."

" Did somebody say they needed nuts?" Said that Buddy Barn guy, who had just opened a Buddy Barn Nut Stand next to where Barret and RedXIII were standing.

" Why, yes!" Barret exclaimed.

" Then this is your lucky day!" Said the Buddy Barn Nut Seller, whipping out a large variety display of nuts. " Pick a nut! Any nut! You get your first one free!"

" Wow!" Barret said, not believing his luck! " Does it matter which one get to make the chocobos give the right offspring?"

" Normally I would say yes, but for the sake of time… NO!" The Buddy Barn Nut Seller said.

So Barret picked a Carob nut since that's the only one I can remember, and fed it to the Chocobos. Then they were forced to just go to sleep instead of maybe going off to have dinner and then waiting awhile. Because they didn't have ANYTHING BETTER TO DO than to wait for the Chocobo to become pregnant and give birth all in one night's time!

Well, in the morning, there new golden chocobo was there! It had already fully matured and everything! How… strange.

" Wark!" Said the Golden Chocobo, and the subtitles- No, I'm just kidding. Subtitles? Barret and everyone else could understand what the Chocobos were saying because they all had a Babel fish in their ear. And if you don't know what a Babel fish is, shame on you! FOR SHAME!

" Mother! Father!" Warked the Chocobo.

" Son!" Warked his Mother and Father.

But of course, the poor young Chocobo was dragged away from his parents before they could even christen him in the ancient way of the Chocobos and was put to work at an early age.

" Thank you for everything!" Barret cried, and flew away on the Chocobo, never to be seen again in this story because I'm afraid I'm just ruining him for myself.

" Now what am I supposed to do?" RedXIII asked himself outloud. It was a long, long continent away to Cosmo Canyon, and it wasn't like RedXIII's people had a PHS that could magically transport him there.

" I don't know, chum!" Said the Former Buddy Barn Nut Seller, since unforunately, Buddy Barn's Nut Division had just gone bankrupt. He packed his stand into a little hobo bag and went walking off into the sunset. He then whipped out his orcarina and teleported to wherever Buddy Barn Salespeople go.

RedXIII began his long, incredible journey, and that music began to play as he walked through the world alone. It was a good thing Reno and Rude found him as they were cruising around in their Turk Buggy, or who KNOWS what kind of trouble naïve, rebellious young mentally sixteen RedXIII would have gotten into?

" Are you hitchiking?" Reno asked, as they stopped the Turk Buggy (which is a lot cooler than YOUR buggy) in front of RedXIII.

" Not really." RedXIII admitted, who had just been walking along, minding his own buisness. " I don't have thumbs."

" Oh yeah." Reno said stupidly. " Well, uh… you never annoyed me that much. You wanna ride?"

" Alright." RedXIII accepted gratefully, and hopped into the Turk buggy. They only took him as far as Junon, but that's alright. It's not like the Turk buggy is a special buggy that can cross LIGHT BLUE water or anything.

" Where are you guys going?" RedXIII asked Reno and Rude, as they began to pull away from the spot they had dropped him off at.

" We're waiting for our own chapter." Reno said.

" I'm glad mine is almost over." RedXIII admitted. He then bid them farewell, and walked through the ridiculously polluted and poor Junon beach. Eventually, he found Priscilla and Mister Dolphin. Actually, I've decided he only found Mister Dolphin. Priscilla's just annoying.

" Hey Mr.Dolphin, can I have a ride?" RedXIII asked the incredibly cool Mr. Dolphin, who kindly let RedXIII have a ride. RedXIII needed to be careful not to get his tail flame wet though. At least, I think so. Is RedXIII like Charmander? Can someone tell me this if they find out? Because I'd HATE for this story to be non-factual.

Mr. Dolphin managed to get RedXIII to Cosmo Canyon in ten seconds flat because he's that fast and efficent. RedXIII was almost home now! He just needed a few… more… steps… RedXIII developed a large wound in the side and a limp from nowhere, and crawled weakly to the gates of Cosmo Canyon.

" Nanaki! You're back!" That dude at that gate said.

" I am home!" RedXIII shouted, as his injuries dissapeared. He then crawled into the bar, got drunk, and didn't appear again until I decided that he would.