Author's Note: Hi all! I'm going to be away for another 1.5 week so I decided to quickly rush out one chapter b4 I go to compensate from making you all wait so long last time. Thanks so much for all the patience and understanding demonstrated by my dear readers!
angel310 : Hi hi! Sorry for the long wait and for making you check for updates which did not eventuate! Please don't bother checking for the next 10 days or so because I will be going away again for a shorter trip this time round. I know how you feel, I felt pretty frustrated myself when I wrote up Rui's character that way. However, I believe that he probably went through a spell like that ;) Don't you think so? And you absolutely hit the nail on the head – the summer trip is in this chapter!
orenjipanda : I definitely will keep on writing – just that I will be going away again for a short time. Thanks so much for your comments!
kensingtonkid: Yes, did you find it convincing? I feel that there should something drastic to make Rui change so much and no reason was provided in the manga except the probability of Shizuka getting engaged to another man. However, nothing further was mentioned about this supposed engagement. So I decided to throw in my own side story! You can see in this chapter the answer to you question! Thanks for always reading and leaving your comments !!!
ToinKs: Thank you thank you! I'll alwiz read Echoes of the Past – really really creative and well-written! Sorry for the late review because I had to catch up with some stuff and didn't have that much time until lately to read stories on this website. I'm glad you think that this story is still flowing. There are certain things that I have said in this chapter that you may find more contrived though. Let's see if you do :)'
Ravenfire623: Thanks so much for your kind comments !!!! Very very motivating! I shall strive to write more ne? I find Rui's personality most intriguing, I guess because his character in the manga has the most quirks and yet is least well explained. Also, I like the idea that the author had originally wanted Rui to be the "lead" until Doumyouji became strangely more popular … … :)
Piglet: Wow, thanks so much for your generous comments !!! Yes, I thought that Tsukushi has this ability to make Rui laugh – the main reason why Rui likes her. Even at the start of the manga Rui sees her as a kind of pet ;) I decided to quickly whip out another chapter so that I am definitely not leaving everyone hanging on for too long at one shot. The next chapter will have a longer break though.
Nana-chan: I'm extremely honoured that you would actually think of this story when you're watching the anime !!!! Thank you thank you thank you! That made my day! Did you need tissues for this chapter? Probably not ne? It's not the happiest chapter but I don't think it's as heart wrenching as some of the others :_
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Chapter 23 – A Misunderstanding?
Silence, at long last … … Finally peace … … I tilted my head up, looking at the millions of tiny stars twinkling in the dark skies above. The only sound that accompanied me in my solitude was the soft swish of the waves as they slowly advanced. I dug my hand into the soft sand and lifted up my palm. The fine grains trickled through the cracks between my fingers and were tossed about in the cold sea breeze, as scattered as my random thoughts. Finally, they settled on one issue – Shizuka.
A familiar dull ache rose in my chest, but I forced myself to concentrate. I had been pushing away the inevitable for as long as I could, it was time to "face the music" like a man. What was I going to do with regards to her betrayal? I locked up my emotions and tried to think rationally. Should I tell J? However, there was nothing concrete that I could tell him except for my suspicions that Shizuka was working for another organization. Yet, could I simply stay silent and let things develop slowly with the possibility of putting our agents in danger? My head started to throb. Rubbing my temples, I decided to simply alert J to the potential of something going on, but not linking it specifically to Shizuka. He probably would suspect but this was something beyond personal. Even so, there was a strange hollowness in my chest at the thought of playing traitor to a … … friend? Lover? Sister? My thoughts were bleak as I stared into the darkness. I shivered from the coldness that had seeped into my soul … …
"Rui?" Too numb to be surprised by anything, I turned slightly and saw Tsukushi sitting down next to me, concern evident in those warm brown eyes. "What are you doing out here?"
"I can't sleep." I replied as I turned back to watch the waves. For a long moment she sat next to me, not saying a single word. However, her nearness was comforting.
"Don't you feel lonely sometimes?" The words slipped out of my mouth before I was aware of what I said.
"Rui?" Her voice was slightly alarmed. Suddenly, the coldness and emptiness was too much for me to endure.
"Tsukushi … …" she turned to look at me. "Could I please hold you? Just for a short while? Just ten minutes … … no just five minutes?" I longed for some simple human contact that was not amorous in any sense. Just the warmth of a friend. I flushed slightly with embarrassment at the pleading tone in my voice, yet at the same time I was dying to be held. I had tried to remain aloof and strong for too long – I was finally breaking down.
"Rui?" Her surprise was mixed with some embarrassment and natural shyness.
"I'm fine during the day, but at night when it's dark … …" my voice trailed away.
"What about the girl … … waiting for you in your room … …"
I almost snorted in disdain, "she's not a friend. I need a friend at the moment." I looked into those compassionate brown eyes and saw her inner conflict. "Please … …" I bowed my head as my shoulders sagged in defeat. She was not going to touch me – I was too tainted too undeserving to receive comfort from one with such a pure soul as she.
To my surprise, there was the slightest pressure on my shoulders as I felt two arms slip carefully around me as they held me lightly. Almost instinctively, my arms went around the small dainty waist and she gave a squawk of surprise as I crushed her fragile body to mine, holding her tightly and yet carefully. I pressed my bowed head against her shoulder, letting the warmth from her body flow into mine, melting the iciness encasing my heart.
"Tsukushi," I felt her body shake slightly as I whispered her name. Much to my horror, I felt a strange wetness leaking from the corner of my eyes before I could close them, and I buried my face more deeply into her shoulder, not wanting her to see them. I can still feel those slender work-roughened fingers stroking my hair, the nape of my neck and back gently and softly as she muttered something in a low soothing voice, trying to remove my pain. I found myself blabbing some nonsense about Shizuka and myself to her, pouring out my dreams. I realized that I was telling her a highly dramatized and idealistic version which did not really reflect reality. Not the relationship we had but the relationship that I had wanted ours to be. However, my bitter self-recrimination and the recollection of how I "failed" Shizuka was the truth. Why else did she have to turn to another? I had to force myself to release the death grip that I had on her to allow her to return to Tsukasa when her pager beeped.
"Will you be alright?" She looked at me rather anxiously, reluctant to leave me out there by myself.
My face was averted from her. It was enough that she had heard me in my most vulnerable state, I did not want her to see all my emotions naked on my face, "I'll be fine. Thanks so much. You should go back to sleep, Tsukasa is looking for you." She flinched at my best friend's name. When I turned around again, she was no longer there.
The next morning I had to struggle to keep an emotionless expression when she walked into the breakfast room. Somehow, the room suddenly became much brighter and warmer. I saw her shooting me a shy and rather uncertain glance. However, the girl who stayed in my room was busy flirting with me and I had to give her my full attention. Tsukushi subsequently became rather quiet and withdrawn. I felt guilty but at the same time I realized it was for the best – I knew that my best friend was crazy about her and I did not want him to experience the bitter taste of betrayal at my hands. If I had been in doubt of her feelings for me, they had all vanished with our encounter last night. It was obvious that she cared for me more than she should. Of course there was no way that I could have known the unfortunate episode that was doomed to take place, my "betrayal" of my best friend and the trouble it subsequently brought to Tsukushi. However, thinking back, there was no way that we could have avoided what took place between us that night and in no way can I bring myself to regret what happened … …
*flashback*
"Rui?" I turned my head and saw her thin figure trembling as she stood there in the cold night breeze.
"You should go back to your room." I told her coldly, not wanting to a repeat of yesterday when she saw my most vulnerable side that few had ever seen. "I said I was okay, you should return to Tsukasa." Then I realized that there was something about different about her. Instead of her usual confident posture, her shoulders were slumped in defeat and something that suspiciously resembled tears shimmered in her eyes. The pain I saw in her eyes took my breath away.
"You're crying? Stop worrying about me and worry about Tsukasa instead." She was crying for me! Tsukushi was actually crying for me!
"I can't!" The helpless cry was almost torn out of her. "I want to, I really want to. However, I can't help thinking of you." She collapsed onto her knees on the sand next to me. "Why did you come back, Rui? Why … …" her voice was choked up with emotion.
My eyes widened in disbelief as I stared at the intense emotion in those caring brown eyes, unable to remove my gaze from her face. My mouth suddenly went dry as I swallowed the lump that had appeared in my throat and my heartbeat accelerated. An indescribable feeling swept through my entire being as my protective walls crumbled completely. I saw my hand reach out and tenderly stroke the silky softness of her cheek with my thumb, before my fingers started to gently wipe the wetness on her cheeks.
"Why me?" My mask torn away, the pain and despair in my voice was evident. What had I done to deserve such devotion? "And why couldn't I have fallen in love with someone like you right form the start?" Why could I not have loved someone kind, selfless and caring like Tsukushi and found my happiness in someone like her? Why did everything that Shizuka promise turn out to be a lie? Why was I always the one left with broken dreams? And why did I realize her feelings only now? Why was my life so complicated, so filled with deceit, betrayal and pain? Tsukushi was everything that I was not, she represented everything that I could not have. Her head shot up at my words and I found myself drowning in those beautiful eyes.
"Tsukushi … …" I breathed her name fervently as my arms lifted of their own accord and she was clasped tightly against me, her cheek resting on my hard chest. I could feel her heart beating as frantically as mine. I stroked her hair gently for a moment before tugging lightly at it, tilting her face up to mine. For an endless moment, we gazed at each other. I saw her eyes darkening with the same emotion that was reflected in mine.
"Tsukushi … …" I whispered again. I had a sudden mad urge to recite Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet, it seemed so appropriate under those circumstances … … If I profane with my unworthiest hand, this holy shrine, the gentle sin is this… … I slowly but purposefully lowered my head down to hers … … My lips, two blushing pilgrims, ready stand to smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss… … I paused for the briefest moment, giving her one last chance to tear herself away from my embrace, to avoid my caress … … O, then, dear saint, let lips do what hands do! They pray: grant thou, lest faith turn to despair … … Her long eyelashes fluttered shut and her lips parted slightly in surrender when my mouth finally touched hers, hesitantly, gently … … Then move not while my prayer's effect I take … … My lips brushed hers lightly, once, twice. When she began to respond, I took her lips in a sweet tender kiss … … thus from my lips, by thine my sin is purged … … I kept my passions in check as I sought comfort in our closeness, not wanting to defile the innocent angel lying in my arms who was removing the pain that I was feeling and absolving my sins … … It was only too soon when a loud roar shattered our quiet heaven. I lifted my head and my eyes collided with another pair of eyes that were livid with anger, filled with pain and betrayal. All hell broke loose … …
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After the tumult of the past month, I figured that Tsukasa should have had enough time to cool off. He was acting every inch the huge idiot that he was and making Tsukushi miserable. I felt a pang of guilt as the image of her pale unhappy face and her dull eyes. It almost seemed as if the light in them had permanently gone out. I knew she was feeling guilty in the very least and there was also the possibility that she had grown fond of Tsukasa or perhaps was feeling something even stronger towards him. I had tried to support and comfort her, seeing that I was the source of all her problems. Unfortunately I was a poor substitute for Tsukasa who had focused all his attention on her, because I had many other things on my mind and my own issues to sort out as well.
I knocked on his door and heard him mumble something which I assumed was an invitation to enter. As I opened the door, he lifted his head from behind the magazine and disbelief flashed across his eyes before it was replaced by a murderous look.
"What are you doing here?" He jumped off his bed.
"I'm here to explain and apologise."
"I don't talk to traitors!" His eyes were icy as they stared into mine. "Get out of my house before I throw you out!"
"It was just a kiss for goodness sake, Tsukasa. How many times have you all kissed Shizuka?" However, deep down I knew it was different. Shizuka had been a sister to all of us then, and we had all been close because we grew up together.
"We're talking about Tsukushi, not Shizuka!" He clenched his right hand and appeared agitated enough to throw a punch at me.
"She was only trying to comfort me because she was feeling sorry for me."
"And you took advantage of her pity!" I flinched. He scowled even more ferociously, "you know how she felt about you at one time, Rui. We all did. You hurt her and when she gave you up, I thought I could change her mind. Then you had to go and kiss her … … Stop playing with her, she's not one of your sluts … …" His voice was almost a roar.
The blood drained from my face as the truth of his words hit me. I was almost as bad as Shizuka had been, toying with Tsukushi's feelings even though it was not intentional on my part. Tsukasa was about to start pounding me into pulp me when Tsubaki came into the room and started beating him up instead for threatening me. I was unable to get through to her that the whole incident had actually been my fault and in the end I simply gave up and left … ….