Author's Note: Back! Thanks so much for all your lovely comments and your patience as per normal. I hope this chapter makes up for the long wait … … :)
P.S. I have made a few changes in this chapter. Thanks so much for your constructive comments, Toinks! It was indeed written in a hurry *ooops* and when I re-read it, I thought … "geez, this is really quite shallow!". Thanks again Toinks !!! :)
Stacey: Ah a new reader !!!! Thanks so much for your kind comments. I'm really glad that you like this story and especially the complexity of Rui's character. I thought the manga hinted at depths to his character that has not been explored sufficiently!
Lian: Hi!! How's life been? I know how busy it can be when there are children running around :) So you think that Shizuka should leave Rui? That's quite an interesting view point. Would you like to elabourate? That has certainly perked my curiosity !!! Thanks so much for your many comments and I am waiting to read Struggle.
Ravenfire623: Wow, thanks so much for your generous comments! I'm glad you liked the R&J moment so much! I thought this moment was strangely appropriate for that quote although the context is slightly different and requires a slightly different interpretation from R&J :)
Blackcat: Hi hi! Great hearing from you as always! That was one of my favourite scenes as well. An indication that Rui is not totally indifferent to Tsukushi after all, he had rejected all the "clingy" money grubbers and "chosen" our dear Tsukushi. Thanks so much for still leaving a comment and reading this story in spite of your busy schedule!!
just a teen: Ah another reader !! Wow you must read really fast! That's pretty impressive to finish reading everything within an evening. Thanks for your kind comments !!!
angel310 : Love reading your insightful comments as per normal. I am inclined to feel that Rui got carried away and that he was starting to feel something for Tsukushi although he isn't aware of it yet. Not love, not so soon. However, he is starting to be touched by her. However, Tsukasa would believe that Rui is only making use of Tsukushi and toying with her feelings and giving her false hopes. Rui being unclear about his own feelings thus felt guilty and was afraid that he had dropped to Shizuka's level of making use of others. Do you agree? Yes I will be showing excerpts of the basket ball scene next week. But more of insights and feelings again rather than the actual scene which everyone well knows :)
orenjipanda: Hi hi! I guess I'm following the story line rather tightly at least for ¾ of the manga so I guess Tsukushi was indeed with Tsukasa. I'm not too sure about the future yet. I must say that I have the faintest inkling of how the plot should go but I have not thought out the details yet and there is a possibility of me making changes too. With regards to Rui's feelings about Shizuka. Well, that's quite a complex part. I'd like to think that Rui is in love with the idea of being in love and that he is half aware of that fact. However, it is true that there is no one he preferred to Shizuka. A significant portion of his pain, dejection, hurt etc could be also attributable to the fact that Shizuka had been kind of a female best friend, they had shared ups and downs, and that he had been genuinely fond of her. Hence, the betrayal of a close friend hurts totally.
kensingtonkid: Hey thanks! I had fun indeed on my trip :) Ah, our dear Tsukushi's feelings of confusion! At this point in time, I believe she is at her most "confused" state about her feelings. She is starting to fall for Tsukasa, yet Rui still tugs at her heart strings. It is tough to forget one's first love, especially if the person has helped her all the time and has been kind to her eh? I definitely agree that Tsukasa is the only innocent party. It is indeed brave of him to put his heart on line. Or is it simply his arrogance?
ToinKs: Actually, I have to confess that I felt more sorry for Tsukasa then Rui at that point in the story. I felt that it was wrong of Rui to betray his friend even if he got carried away because that is not what one should do to one's best friend. However, I have to follow the story line so … … ;) Ah did Rui mean the kiss? I don't think he was toying with Tsukushi's feelings. He got carried away at the moment, he was completely vulnerable and she was there and basically what she did was very "encouraging". He was so touched by her concern that he ignored all the implications of his action. I would like to believe that at that point in time was when Rui really started to be moved by Tsukushi's feelings for him.
Drina: Thanks so much for your constructive comments! It really helps in my writing. I tried to incorporate more detail in this chapter to make up for the gap! I hope it helps to fill in the missing information :)
Nana-chan: Thanks for your wonderful comments! Actually, I didn't even think of the implications of the "wasn't meant to be" portion when I quoted R&J!! You have provided deeper insight into the scene! I was thinking along the themes of the appropriateness of forbidden "love" (in terms of Tsukushi), tainted Rui vs pure Tsukushi, the absolution of Rui's sins by Tsukushi who provided him comfort and eased his pain etc :) Thanks !!!
Chapter 24 – A Disastrous Date
For a moment, I could not believe my ears. My eyes widened for a long moment before they narrowed into slits as I glared at J. "You have got to be kidding." My voice was flat and cold, in contrast to my churning insides.
"I never joke." His voice was equally emotionless, "you know that."
"You want me to go back to France because Professeur needs my help on another assignment? Am I the only agent that you have? Or am I the most dispensable one?" My disbelief was evident.
"You have a reason for being in France … …" he began.
"No longer!" I cut him off as I balled my hand into fists and took in a deep breath, controlling my urge to jump up and start pacing.
"Stein, is this about Cleo? Yes, it is true that she's quite chummy with another man, but she has not stepped out of line with regards to her duties to our country as yet."
My breath caught in my throat as his words hit home. Then my eyes rose to meet his, "you had her shadowed."
"Of course, I could do no less after your report." I closed my eyes involuntarily, trying to reconcile myself to the fact that we had both betrayed each other, albeit in different ways. From closest friends to enemies, I thought bitterly.
"I am ready to help Professeur with anything he needs but only if I can remain here."
"Stein … …" J took a look at the resolute expression on my face and decided to give up. "Okay, I'll get them to prepare a teleconference so that he can brief you. However, for confidentiality purposes, you have to stay here until all the work is completed."
"How long will that take?" I asked him, recalling that I had promised to take Tsukushi out during the weekend to try to cheer her up and distract her from her feelings of guilt. Her eyes had lit up at my suggestion although her cheeks had been slightly pink. It was the first time since that fateful night that I had seen her look so happy.
"That depends on Professeur … …"
I turned on J the moment I stepped out of the conference room, "J, I can't finish all the work within two days." It was totally ridiculous. It would take two men working for at least five days to complete the pile of documents that Professeur had wanted to me help him with.
J raised a quizzical eyebrow, "you don't have to. Professeur told me the deadline was a week away."
"But I have a date this Saturday and it is already Wednesday night!"
"So cancel it," he replied coolly. I clenched my teeth tightly as I glared at him. However, he remained unperturbed and inflexible as a rock. With a sigh of defeat, I turned and went back into the room, resisting a childish impulse to slam the door as hard as I could. Looking at the small stack of printouts that I had to decode, I sighed heavily again. The image of Tsukushi's disappointed face appeared in front of me, her eyes dull again and her trembling lips bravely forced into a smile to hide her disappointment from me. Somehow, I felt a sharp pang at the thought of making her more miserable. I decided that there was no way I was going to cancel our date so there was only one thing left to do. I sat down, "rolled up my sleeves" and put my nose to the grindstone.
*Three days later*
"Stein, you look terrible!" J actually looked concern when I stumbled out of the room with bloodshot eyes, slightly trembling hands and looking extremely pale.
"No thanks to you and Professeur. I've finished the work."
"I told him you were good," he wore a smug look of satisfaction which I itched to wipe off his face with a well placed punch. Control your violent tendencies Rui, the voice in my head advised me, you would probably topple over before you manage to hit him in your current state.
"Yes, after working continuously with only ten hours of sleep over the past three days," I muttered to myself loudly so that he could hear me clearly. I glanced at my watch. I had barely enough time to totter home on my relatively shaky legs, take a quick shower and a change of clothes before I had to meet Tsukushi. "I'm off," I left the room.
"Enjoy your date, Romeo. You have earned it!" Was his parting shot.
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She was standing in front of the shops simply dressed in a t-shirt and jeans, looking fresh and decidedly nervous. I noticed that she was wringing her hands unconsciously. A small smile appeared on my lips at her gesture as I realised that she was more nervous than I was. Wait, I was nervous? I had to admit that strangely enough, I was a little.
"Hi Tsukushi, am I late?"
"Oh no no … … not at all! I just got here as well." She blabbed. There was a short silence before she quickly asked, "so where are we going?"
"Did you have somewhere specific in mind?"
"No not really, let's just walk around." I felt really apologetic. It was our first date (and my first real date with any girl for the matter) and I really screwed it up. I had wanted to plan something nice for her but thanks to J and Professeur for the last minute assignment, I was on the brink of collapse from physical and mental exhaustion, and it was taking all my strength simply to walk next to her like a zombie. In fact, I had problems even walking in a straight line and trying to focus on what she was saying. My brain just was not functioning. I could tell that she was not really having a good time as we were walking in almost complete silence most of the time. I could not contribute much to the conversation because my brain had (unfortunately) shut down and I was having one of the worst migraines in my life. Even my eyes were aching. I decided to tell her a half-truth.
"Tsukushi, I've never gone out with a girl before in a real date (which was the truth). So I do apologise if you are bored (though if I were in my right frame of mind I could easily have thought up something exciting or at least more interesting for us to do) … …"
"Oh I'm not bored at all, Rui." She put in quickly.
I can hardly recall anything of the date. It was like I was drifting around, sleepwalking. I think something happened to her at one time because she called to me and I found that she had lagged some distance behind. However, my head was hurting so much that I could hardly focus on where we were going. We ended up at a fast food center where I ate very little because I was feeling nauseous from the lack of sleep. Unfortunately she misunderstood the reason behind my lack of appetite as being the "poor quality" of the food. No way, I had an incredibly high metabolic rate and would eat anything, well almost anything anyway. After the meal, I felt decidedly unsteady on my feet.
"Tsukushi, let's go somewhere where we can be alone."
"Er … …" she hesitated but I simply hailed a cab and brought her to my house.
"Wow," her wide-eyed amazement brought a smile to my lips. I have always found her naivety endearing.
"It's just my house."
"Geez," she sighed. "You're so different from Tsukasa. He would have answered in an arrogant tone that only such a house would suit someone of his status unlike poor people like me." I smiled at her imitation of my best friend's mannerisms.
"Well, his house is much bigger than mine," I commented, trying to be fair. I saw her eyes widen even further when my nosy servant girl informed her that she was the first girl that I invited to my house other than Shizuka. She snuck a peek at me and quickly lowered her head when she noticed that I was looking at her, playing nervously with a button on her coat. I chuckled and steered her into my room. We both had to sit on my bed as I showed her my photo albums because I had no chairs in my sparsely furnished room. She smiled over the childhood photographs of the four of us and Shizuka, becoming her usual animated self. Unfortunately, my bed was far too comfortable for one in my condition. I should have stood up or knelt on the floor. Her laughter seemed to waver as her face gradually blurred before me. Before I knew it, I was out like a light on my bed. I woke up hours later with a start, only to find myself alone in my room. Where was she? I quickly got to my feet and ran out of the room.
"Young master?" The servant girl that Tsukushi and I had met earlier was startled as I ran into the living room.
"Where is the young lady that I brought home?" I asked urgently.
"Oh, she left hours ago. She informed me that she was going home first and told me to take care of you."
Guilt welled up in me at her words. Poor Tuskushi, to have endured such a boring date and, worst of all, to suffer the final insult of having her date fall asleep on her! What she must have thought of me! Yet her parting thoughts were only for my comfort. It was so like her kind, generous and forgiving nature to put others before herself. I stifled a groan as I grabbed my still throbbing head and ran a hand through my hair in frustration. I screwed it up badly this time, thanks to J and Professeur. I would have gladly beaten J to a pulp if he had been standing in front of me. I sighed and wondered how I could salvage things. The only way to make her feel better about this horrible date was to tell her the truth – that I had actually rushed through my work with very little sleep because I had not wanted to cancel on her, and that unfortunately had resulted in me pushing myself too far. However, there was no way I could tell her the truth. I had to leave her with the misconception that either I was a very boring, self-centered person, or that I did not give two hoots about her. Somehow, that thought left an unpleasant taste in my mouth. I promised myself I would make it up to her somehow.
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"Hi Tuskushi!" I smiled at her when I saw her in school the next Monday. As she turned to me, I saw her trying to hide her troubled expression behind a sunny smile. However, the pain in her eyes was evident.
"Hi Rui, are you feeling better today?"
"What's the matter?" I asked looking straight into her eyes, letting her know that I was not fooled by her demeanor. Her eyes flickered to the message board before she quickly glanced away but the damage was done. With another look of concern directed at her, I walked to the message board and the following message in bold print caught my eye.
"WHORE,
Return our Hanazawa-san."
My eyebrows knit together in a heavy frown and I clenched my
hands into fists as my usually dormant temper awoke with a vengeance. I
turned back and saw her trying to smile at me brightly to dismiss the entire
message as a joke. However, her smile faded when a crowd of hostile girls
came up to her.
"Whore!"
"Slut!"
"Return our Hanazawa-san."
"How did you manage to tempt him?"
"How dare you seduce him?"
"He would never have saved you if you didn't provide any kind of incentive."
Looking at her pale and stricken face, a protective rage burned though my veins and I decided that enough was enough. I quickly walked up to her, making my presence known to the crowd. I felt really sick at the way their sneering and jeering expressions quickly disappeared as they turned to me with sickeningly sweet and hypocritical smiles.
"That's enough," I bit out as I stood next to Tsukushi. It only made me angrier when I noticed that she was trembling slightly. I felt an urge to place an arm around her protectively, but I decided not to in case my action was misconstrued and caused her more grief.
"Hanazawa-san!" There were shocked exclamations all around me now.
"Leave her alone. She's never tried to make any moves on me unlike you all, and I find her far more attractive than any of you!"
"How could you say that?"
"Hanazawa-san!"
"How could you speak up for her?"
"We'll no longer support you!"
"I'm glad you're no longer a member of F4!."
"I hope Doumyouji kicks you out of school!" My disgruntled ex-fan club soon departed.
"You shouldn't have done that, Rui. I would have gotten use to such gossip." Her brown eyes were filled with worry for me. I was incredibly moved by her selflessness, which ironically only served to increase my guilt and frustration at the suffering that I had caused her inadvertently.
My eyes narrowed in anger for a moment, "it's not ok!" I lowered my voice as she shrank back a little from my harsh tone, "they don't understand you. They don't know what they're talking about. I won't let them talk about you in this way."
"But your position in this school … …"
"I don't give a damn about it at all! When I was a child I was ostracized and snubbed because I had autism. I'm use to people disapproving of me constantly and I couldn't care less." I smiled at her wide eyes and lightly pinched her nose. "I guess you feel this way too?" Her mouth fell open and I chucked in amusement. When she finally got over her shock, there was a new light in her eyes akin to hero worship when she smiled back at me. Unfortunately, Tsukasa caught us both at this moment. I believed jealous rage took over because he became determined to get both of us expelled from Etoku … …
*Flashback*
"Hey, Doumyouji's creating a racket at the principal's office. He wants to kick both Hanzawa Rui and Makino Tsukushi out of the school." My head shot up when I heard my name and Tsukushi's mentioned.
"Yeah, apparently Doumyouji's elder sister the legendary Doumyouji Tsubaki is also in the principal's office. I really wonder what is happening." S***! I simply turned and ran all the way to the principal's office, hoping against hope that I was not too late to protect Tsukushi.
"… … I will leave school. Isn't that enough?" I was just in time to hear Tsukushi say clearly with her head held high when I stepped into the office.
"Your mum wouldn't like it." That was her friend Kazuya.
"Shut up! If I leave, everything will be fine. Poor people like me shouldn't be in such an elite school anyway." I felt an unknown emotion rising in my chest when I heard her sacrificing herself to protect me.
"No, Tsukushi stays. I will leave school." I felt everyone turning to look at me when I spoke. I looked directly at the principal, ignoring Tsukasa's burning gaze. If looks could kill, I would have flopped over. "I'm the cause of everything. I should be the one to go." To my surprise after my little comment, Kazuya and even my two childhood friends who had staunchly supported Tsukasa all this while all insisted that they would leave the school too if I left.
"You are all betraying me?" Tsukasa was obviously totally taken aback.
"Come now Tsukasa, you know the strength of our friendship." I had rarely seen Soujirou so serious. In the end, Tsubaki came up with the most inane idea of playing our favourite competitive spot - basketball - to resolve the issue. Although I thought it was pretty ridiculous, I had no option but to agree to her suggestion because everyone agreed to it. At least this provided me with an opportunity to help Tsukushi. As I glanced at her pale face, a sudden protective instinct rose in me and I swore that there was no way I would let her down. It was my responsibility to keep her safe in Etoku and I would do so regardless of the cost.