Chapter 6

Reno and Rude's Slightly Gay Male Adventures!

Just kidding. They're not gay at all! But why should you care? Are you some kind of homophobic that is mean to gay people for no reason?! Haven't you ever heard of human rights? ARGH! JUST FOR THAT I AM GOING TO INSERT A RANDOM GAY PERSON SOMEWHERE IN THIS STORY TO MAKE YOU SAD AND YOU WILL CRY!

…ahem…

ANYHOO, last time you saw Reno and Rude… you didn't! Because it's impossible to see them as this is just a knavish fanfic. So last time you READ Reno and Rude they were riding around in their Turk Buggy (which is a lot cooler than YOUR buggy.) Isn't that crazy?

" Hey… where's Elena and Rufus?" Rude asked Reno. Rude was laying on the couch, watching television and Reno was having a coffee at their own personal Turk Starbucks. ( I told you it was a lot cooler than your buggy.)

" Why? Do you want to MARRY them or something?" Reno prattled childishly.

" No… I just think that we left them behind when they both stepped outside to use the restroom. That was about three days ago." Rude said.

Both Reno and Rude gave each other a panicked look, realizing they had left Elena and Rufus right in the middle of the swamps of the Midgar Zolom, perhaps the stupidest place to leave a person taking a bathroom break EVER.

" Oops." Said Reno and Rude. But that was okay because neither of them really liked Elena or Rufus. Well, Rufus was okay because he fit into their name scheme, but Elena just screwed it all up.

" Hey, Rude, I've been thinkin'… Without Shinra, what can the Turks do now? My whole life I've been nothing but a Turk. Now I have no other talents, and cannot fit into any other niche of society." Reno took a long sip of his Frappakupo.

" You've never done ANYTHING besides be a Turk? What about when you were a baby?"

" Oh. I guess then I was just a plain old baby." Reno admitted.

" Didn't you ever have any dreams? Because dreams don't fade, my friend." Rude began, as that music began playing in the background. " They might hide from you for awhile, but sometimes, when you're all alone in your buggy sipping a cup of coffee with your best friend talking to you about them, they come back to remind you. Of what you left behind."

" I always wanted to be a slightly crappy but catchy pop star." Reno mumured aloud.

" I always wanted to be a flight attendent. Or a tour guide. But no one ever would hire me. Everytime I went to a job interview, they would ask me my name. And I would say, " Hi, I'm Rude." And they would say, we don't like Rude people." Rude shook his head sadly. " What the hell were my parents thinking?!"

" Oh yeah!" Reno countered, but then realized he could not argue since his name was Reno and there was nothing particularly offensive about the name 'Reno.' So then he just remained silent.

" Did you ever meet my older brother? His name was Nasty." Rude told Reno in a bout of sudden depression.

" You have got to be kidding." Reno said.

" And my little sister. Her name was Bitch." Rude continued.

" I think I liked it better when you never talked." Reno admitted, but they were suddenly interrupted by a large crash that sounded like a person being squashed into a pancake. Both of them knew hit and run is a SERIOUS offense, and so they stepped slowly out of the Turk Buggy. And both of them saw…THE CORPSE OF BARRET! ARGH!!

Just kidding. Barret already died at the hands of Cid. But you already knew that. Instead, they had hit a pancake. No, I'm not kidding this time. They had flattened an innocent pancake.

" I'm such a big jerk." Reno said sadly, before taking a bite out of the pancake. They hauled the carcass inside and ate it. Then they continued on their merry way. Where were they going, you may ask? Well, I'll TELL YOU WHERE THEY WERE GOING! They were going to HOLLY-WOOD!

But, unfortunately, in the world of FF7 there was no Hollywood. So they were going to the next best place… The Gold Saucer! That's right! Not only was it the RPG equivalent to Las Vegas and Disneyworld COMBINED, it was also the answer to Hollywood! My Lord, is there anything that crazy Gold Saucer CAN'T be?

Unfortunately, the Turks couldn't really get to Junon in just a buggy, even if it was a TURK Buggy. They figured that they would have to hitch a ride on the St. Anne to get over to Costa Del Sol. Why would they do that? Well, have you ever looked at the game MAP idiot? That way they'd almost be there, since it's the OTHER Continent. Sheesh.

Anyway, after they helped Red XIII out, they waited paitently for RedXIII, Barret, Cloud, Tifa, Yuffie, Vincent, Cid, Reeve AND Sephiroth's chapters to be done, then they finally were able to enter Junon and find the St. Anne. They even got a St. Anne pass and EVERYTHING! They even pawned off their Turk Buggy to some shady character who happened to be the same guy who bought the land speeder in Star Wars! Now that guy has the Turk Buggy AND Luke's Uncle's Land Speeder. ARGH! What will he do with those crazy vehicles?!

Well, this story ain't about him, so scew 'em!

So, Reno and Rude made their way to the St.Anne, and Reno was holding their passport high in the air, because he wanted to mock everyone who DIDN'T have one. Rude was whistling his favorite song, the Mokona no Ondo De Pupupupu.

" Hello. Welcome to the St. Anne." Said the dude that took the tickets that would explode later… maybe… Then, he noticed Reno and Rude weren't Pokemon Trainers! They weren't even POKEMON PEOPLE!

" Argh! You may not board the St. Anne! You'll threaten the kiddiness of it!" The responsible ticket-guy said.

" Why the hell not?" Reno asked agitatedly, and the responsible ticket-guy began convulsing, because his Poke-ears couldn't take the obscenities. Maybe if it had been POCKET MONSTERS, he would have been fine. But it was Pokemon.

" Only Pokemon people may board." The ticket-guy said, massaging his temple. At that moment, Kenji walked up, handed the dude a ticket, then smiled really cheesily at the ticket-guy before waltzing on in. THE NERVE!

" We are too pokemon people!" Reno exclaimed.

" What are pokemon?" Rude asked.

Luckily, Reno had been part of the Poke-craze of 1998, like yours truly. He ripped off his jacket and displayed his T-shirt, which said, I SURRVIVED THE POKE-CRAZE OF 1998. Then, believe it or not, he started rapping like a fool.

" Zubat, Geodude, Meowth, Onix, Weezing, Seel, Magneton, SNORLAX! Jigglypuff, Goldeen, Spearow, Mewtwo, Pidegeot, Gyrados, SLOWBROOO! At least 150 or MORE to see, to be a Pokay-mon master is my, DESINIEEEEEEE!" Reno crooned in an annoying yet catchy voice, then proceeded to scream, " Gotta catch 'em all!" over and over again.

" Wow, Monday through Friday. You're free to go on." The ticket-dude said, majorly impressed. Reno and Rude stepped on, and the ticket-dude exploded as they sailed off into the sunset.

" I just lost a lot of respect for you." Rude admitted.

" I just lost a lot of respect for me too." Reno replied.

The St. Anne was full of Pokemon, unfortunately, but Reno and Rude did their best to keep all their hatred and bad manners in. They didn't want to kill everyone on the boat with their Turkness. Or maybe they did, but I wanted to torture them a bit. Nyhahaha.

At one point, Ash, and not the Satoshi we all know and love, came walking up and joking with Brock who we all know and kinda like, but not Takeshi who we all know and love. They were making horrible dubbed jokes.

" Good 'quill hunting! GET IT? GET IT?" Ash laughed hysterically, as if there was nothing funnier than horrible, horrible movie puns in the titles of a children's animated show, especially one that parodies a rated R movie that no child that still watches Pokemon should see.

" I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!" Rude screamed, and whipped out a gun and shot a nearby Teddiursa since I…JUST…HATE…TEDDI…URSAS…SO… MUCH!!!

Everyone froze, and Ash and Brock stared at the bleeding, twitching Teddiursa blankly. They had probably never seen blood before, much less something dying.

" Pokemon… EMERGENCY!" Ash yelled, with a stupid little pause in the middle of his sentence. And they rushed Teddiursa off to a paramedic, but luckily, it was already dead. MWHAHAHA! …ha…

" Hey buddy. Want a good time? Five bucks a throw, fifteen a night." Pikachu whispered, with Misty winking at the Turks next to it.

" Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Reno?" Rude asked with a big grin.

" Yup." Said Reno, and they jumped off the St. Anne together. Then they swam to Costa Del Sol all by themselves. How can they do that? Well… they're the TURKS!

Once having reached Costa Del Sol, they realized the Gold Saucer was so very far away, so Reno decided he would get a little job singing and performing at people's weddings. He was a Wedding Singer! But people always mistook him for that little guy that's in the Mafia. Or Shuuichi. Okay, so he doesn't SEEM like Shuuichi, but he COULD be.

Well, Reno might have been content with becoming a Wedding Singer, but not Rude! He wanted to be a bayliff. You know why? Because Rude is bald and sexy and wonderful, just like Bruce on my favorite show Judging Amy! So he went to the Costa Del Sol police academy.

" So you wanna be a bayliff?" said some big fat police guy we'll call… Fonzie. He probably won't explode. PROBABLY. He was sort of traveling around in his little rolly chair around in circles. He didn't look very concerned at the fact that there was underage drinking and drugs and murder and a dog being tied to a lampost and tortured outside.

" Yes." Rude said because he did!

" Then… beat this game…" Fonzie declared dramatically, and revealed that old Police Academy arcade game that you would find at the movies all the time. Rude blinked.

" You for real?" He asked.

" I'm for REAL!" Fonzie exclaimed, then rolled about in circles once more.

" But I don't have any quarters…" Rude whined.

" Did anyone say they needed a Buddy Barn's Human Quarter Exchange Man?" Asked that Buddy Barn guy. And what luck! Someone did! And after they were done, it was Rude's turn.

Rude spent a lot of quarters on that crazy Police Academy game, but eventually he pulled through. He got a shiny badge and a nickle. Good for him! This just proves that you can never give up on your dreams, and get a job you don't really like but pays well, all the while harboring secret wishes that will never be fufilled! YAY!

OMAKE! Hayley-san, nande kore wa?

I got some questions from my good friend Naki! But were they good? NOPE! That's okay, though. My ANSWERS WILL BE SUPERB-DESU!

Naki: Is Reeve a dork?

Hayley: Why yes, yes he is! The only redeeming thing about him is his goatee! I mean, come on! He pilots a cat riding on a giant pink moogle! DOOOOOORK!

Naki: Are you?

Hayley: …pass!

Naki: What did you have for dinner?

Hayley: Well, seeing as it's 3 o clock in the afternoon, I don't KNOW yet! Chuh! (as for last night it was… NUTHIN')

Naki: XD

Hayley: What the hell is that? An attempt to be random? You know nothing of the art of randomness. XD

Well, what'll happen NEXT time? Lesse… well, it was gonna be Elena and Rufus, but they got eaten by the Midgar Zolom. So next time, it'll be the start of the trial of the millenium! First testimonies…

Cid and Vincent! YAY!