Chapter 7

Cid, Vincent, and Crazy Lawyers!

Woo-hoo! It's time for the TRIAL OF THE CENTURY! That's right! Cid Highwind is being tried for the murder of Barret Wallace! What about all the other Cid's, you ask? Well, friend, they just exploded. But you can see them again if you want to play the games. I'M not stopping you!

So, completely dropping most of the events of the previous six chapters, all of the people I needed for my crazy court were flown in… by PLANE! No, just kidding, it was by airmail. Anyway, here's how it works…

Presiding Judge of Costa Del Sol Court (MY court, that's right, I own Costa Del Sol! First I bought that house, then that bar, then the whole gosh-darn place! HAHAHAHA!)

Ahem… the judge is… ME! Because this is MY fanfic.

I looked up from reading my Gravitation manga and sighed. (I'm in a Gravitation obsession right now.) " No," I said, " Let someone ELSE be the judge."

HEY! How dare I defy me? Ah well, then, the judge will be MARIUS! My big, blonde vampire friend. Ain't he sexy? Anyway, so Marius showed up with a giant hammer and RED robes because he also has to wear red. Just like that guy in the White Stripes! Anyway, that was the judge.

Yes… I do know he wouldn't ever be in the Final Fantasy world. So just shut up.

The GUILTY person is… Cid!

And his lawyer is… that guy from to Kill a Mockingbird! Just kidding, it was that angry little man from those loud commercials that always come on. JIM ADLER! WOOOO-HOO!

" NO MERCY!!!!!" Jim Adler screeched, gripping the side of his little box and breathing fire all over the courtroom. Cid looked around nervously. Jim Adler was the only lawyer he had been able to afford.

The Defense's Witnesses were picked randomly from the list of previous people in the chapters, and they are…

Cait Sith!

Rufus!

Elena!

Cloud!

Barret!

" WHAT?! Why do I have all those stupid people?!" Cid cried. " Why can't I call on my loving wife SHERA to defend me?"

But unfortunately, HE COULDN'T! Because Shera wasn't in any of the previous chapters, although she was there to watch from the auidence, sniffing and wiping her eyes with a hankerchief. Poor Cid. Everyone in his witness list was dead, except for Caith Sith and Cloud. And Reeve hated him and Cloud is…AHAHAHAHA!

Anyway, moving on… the PROSECUTION! The good guys! (Most of the time.)

The Lawyer was… White Haru, occasionally Black from Fruits Basket. If you've never seen Fruits Basket, you don't know what you're missing and probably won't get the inside jokes. But then again, this whole story IS one big inside joke!

And the Witness list was…

Vincent!

Tifa!

Red!

Sephiroth!

Shoopuf-Dude!

" But none of us were even THERE at the scene of the crime!" Tifa protested, even though the prosecution team was a pretty good one. For one thing, they were all alive.

" Don't worry. I got this case covered." Haru said monotonusly, and you could tell he really had no earthly idea what he was doing.

And now, for the Jury! There were eight members.

Ryu from Breath of Fire!

Spike Spiegel from Cowboy Bebop!

Crono from Chrono Trigger!

A random Scyther that must have escaped from the St. Anne!

Serge from Chrono Cross!

Barret's BEST Suicidal friend, Dyne who you THOUGHT died! But that slippery dude tricked us twice!

That crazy Harvest Moon guy!

That I'M JUST KIIIIDDING guy from Saturday Night Live!

" What the hell? Where did I… who took my ciggarettes?" Spike mumbled, and begin searching around but eventually gave up and just sort of sat there, daydreaming. You know, Haru and Spike would make interesting friends…

" Woah! Marius, you look like you came back from the dead!" That SNL guy exclaimed. " I'M JUST KIIDDING!"

" That's because I'm dead." Marius answered.

" SCYYYYYY-FER!" The scyther screeched, probably wondering why it was in a court room and not in it's native habitat.

" Barret is telling me that you all want to come see him…" Dyne whispered creepily, eyes twitching all over the place.

Serge, Crono, Ryu, and that Crazy Harvest Moon guy said… NOTHING! Duh!

And just to let you know, the presiding bayliff was… RUDE! In fact, he was so rude, that they sent him off to Miss Manners and got some guy named Rude to be the bayliff instead.

" Alright, order in the court! ORDER IN THE COURT!" Marius shouted, banging his big hammer on the booth like a fool.

" There IS order in the court. No one's doing anything." Spike pointed out, chewing on a pocky stick since he couldn't find any ciggarettes.

" Oh." Said Marius. " Then can I start?" He looked over to Hayley who was reading Gravitation and listening to the opening theme 'Super Drive' over and over obsessively. She made a dismissive gesture and so he started.

" Defense, your first witness!" Marius demanded.

" Don't we have to make opening statements?" Haru asked, showing a shred of common sense.

" Oh yeah… then do that." Marius mumbled.

" I'M JIM ADLER! HAVE YOU BEEN IN A CAR WRECK OR CAR CRASH?! HAVE YOU SUSTAINED INJURIES AND NOT GOTTEN PAID FOR IT?! IF SO, CALL ME AND I'LL HELP YOU SUE SUE SUE THE HELL OUT OF THOSE SUCKERS! RAAWR!" Jim Adler screamed in what was probably the most nonsenical opening statement ever.

Then it was Haru's turn.

Everyone waited for Haru to give an opening statement, but he just sort of stood in front of them for a long, long time. Finally, he cleared his throat and said, " Hi."

" Hi." Everyone said back.

" I've never been a lawyer before." Haru told them truthfully, then went to go sit down.

" Wow. What a big waste of time." Marius said. " Okay, Defense, first witness!"

Unfortunately, Cait Sith was out of batteries, Cloud was nowhere to be found, and everyone else was dead. So Cid bravely took the stand.

" What's your name?" Marius asked Cid.

" Cid." Said Cid.

" I'm calling you Cideao. Alright, defense, you may approach the witness." Marius said.

" He had to take an oath!" Spike called from the jury.

" Oh, then do that." Marius sighed, and Rude came up.

" Do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help you…" ARGH! Rude had forgotten what religion the oath was under. So he just said Buddha, and got away with it because no one cared enough.

" Darn tootin'!" Cid said, and Jim Adler approached him.

" CID! HOW MUCH DID YOU PAY FOR YOUR CAR?!" Jim Adler bellowed at Cid.

" I don't HAVE a car." Cid told him.

Jim Adler just stopped and stared at Cid as if he were the Loch Ness Monster. He just froze and didn't move. After a few minutes, Marius just let Haru approach Cid.

" Your name is… Cid, right?" Haru said slowly.

" Yes." Cid answered.

" And you are charged with the murder of Barret Wallace, right?"

" Yes." Cid answered.

" So you are Cid, who murdered Barret Wallace?"

" YES!" screamed the whole court.

" But it was an accident!" Cid reassured Haru who just kind of nodded.

" But were you looking where you were going?" Haru asked.

" I was in an airship. You can't see the top of it. It's not my fault that he was flying around on some big shiny bird!" Cid exclaimed.

" You should have looked harder." Haru said matter-of-factly.

" HOW THE HELL IS THAT POSSIBLE?!" Cid screamed.

" Watch your language, Cidaeo." Marius reprimanded.

" So, you admit that you hit Barret?" Haru said after a long time, as if that had been what he was trying to figure out the whole time.

" We already all know that I did!" Cid said, exasperated.

" Oh. Well, I didn't." said Haru. " Did you know Barret?"

" Yes. He was a good friend of mine." Cid said sadly.

" HOW good?" Haru asked suspicously. " Like BEST friend, or CASUAL friend?"

" IN BETWEEN!" Cid exclaimed angrily.

" But you never went to any of his birthday parties?" Haru asked in a question that was totally unrelated to… well, ANYTHING!

" No." Cid answered truthfully.

" All done, your honor." Haru said with the same bored look on his face.

" Huh? Oh. Okay. Next witness." Marius said, since he had dozed off.

" We call Vincent Valentine to the stand." Haru said, reading the name off a list. He looked at all of his witnesses. " Which one of you is Vincent?" He asked. Vincent stood up. " Oh." Said Haru.

" HEY, Vincent! You have really pointy feet!" That SNL guy said to Vincent who was just innocently walking up to the stand. " What are you… Edward POINTY-FEET?!"

Vincent just blinked, confused.

" I'm just KIIIDDING!" That guy shouted. Then he went silent. Vincent returned to walking to the witness stand. He sat down, and looked like he really didn't want to be there.

" Why, hello. What's your name?" Marius asked Vincent, being extra-friendly because Vincent looked like a vampire.

" Vincent." Said Vincent.

" Well, I think I'll call you Vinceadeo." Marius said, and I guess he was trying to score some fledgling blood, but Vincent took no notice.

" Already, defense, approach the witness." Said Marius.

" It's prosecution's witness, so THEY get to go first." Spike called.

" LISTEN, Spiegel, do YOU want to run this court?!" Marius yelled at Spike.

" Nah. That's for boring guys like you." Spike answered cheekily, and everyone sniggered because Spike had won them all over in mere seconds because he is Spike.

Poor Marius. He coughed to maintain his dignity, and called Haru up.

" Vincent, what do you know about Cid?" Haru asked.

" Well… he's a pilot, uses a spear when he fights, runs funny… and has a wife named Shera." Vincent said, listing the bare facts about Cid.

" Oh. Well did you know THIS about Cid?" Haru said dramatically, and pulled a string down to reveal a picture of Cid smoking a cigar.

" Well?" Haru prodded, staring at Vincent triumphantly.

" …yes…" Vincent said uneasily. I can tell you what he was thinking. Wheeeee'reeee's HOJO?!

" Vincent-san, did you know that smoking is bad for you?" Haru asked.

" Yes." Said Vincent.

" So you would say people that smoke are pretty foolish?" Haru continued.

" Kind of." Vincent said.

" No more questions, your honor." Haru said with a smug smile, and sat down. Vincent gave him a what the heck look and he responded by shooting him a thumbs up sign.

" Your turn, Adler," Marius said, giving himself a manicure.

" DIE, VAMPIRE!" Jim Adler screeched, and tried to stab Vincent through the heart with a stake. Vincent barely surrvived, even though the stake was blunt as a really blunt object. The reason he barely surrvived was because the wild Scyther had just realized that Marius was wearing RED, and had tried to hack him, Vincent, and Jim Adler to pieces. Luckily, they managed to all escape and tie the Scyther down to it's chair.

Everyone decided Vincent's turn was over. He went to go sit down.

" Jim, you can't try and stab the witnesses." Marius snapped.

" Sorry! I ALWAYS forget!" Jim Adler exclaimed.

" Alright, well… it's the end of the chapter, so everyone gets a cookie." Marius said, and everyone did.

Hayley-san, nande kore wa?

More questions from than knave Naki! (…KIND-OF ALLITERATION!) let's see what she asked…

Naki: Why doesn't Cloud dive into the water and just drown after the 'funeral'?

Hayley: Well, ME NO KNOW! Perhaps Aeris REALLY didn't mean all that much to him! Maybe he thought she would float back up! Maybe he TRIED and they held him down like the fool he was. Or maybe that wasn't really CLOUD and it was ZACK! ARGH!

Naki: Did Fonzie ever explode?

Hayley: If you're talking about the one in the story, no. If you're talking about that knave in the leather jacket, then YES!

Naki: Don't you ever get tired?

Hayley: Yes. Yes I do.

NEXT TIME…

Tifa, Reeve, and Ineffective Questioning!