Chapter 8

Tifa, Reeve, and Ineffective Questioning!

Well, the trial continues! After a brief cookie break, everyone get ready to continue with the trial. Just to remind you, Cid and Vincent just got down from the stand! And the score so far is…

Cid                                      Everyone Who Hates Cid

0 5

" There IS no scoring in court." Spike, ever-the-smartass. Hayley forgave him though, since he was right and had a green afro, even if that was sometimes a black afro.

" What? We're still doing this? I thought we had given up as this wasn't professional or going anywhere." Marius protested, on the cell phone with Armand.

Well, guess what Marius, you will do it, and you will LIKE IT!

" Gomen ne, Amadeo-chan…Whaddya mean there's always Lestat?!" Marius foamed, and beeped the cell phone off. He then looked around the courtroom as if EVERYONE in it had just called him a nasty name.

" Next witness." Marius muttered. " Whoever's turn it is, go ahead."

Well, you know what? It was Jim Adler's turn, but Haru went ahead and called HIS next witness! Oh that crazy, crazy Haru! THE NERVE! I guess he thinks that being sane gave him the right!

" Whose Tifa Lockhart? And what is up with these god-awful cliché names?" Haru asked, looking down his list. Tifa stood up and smiled and waved at everybody like the stupid, stupid person she was. " Hi! I'm Tifa! Nice to meet you all!"

" Tifa, you know like, ALL of us!" Said some random FF7 person.

" Tifa… is that short for Tiffany?" Spike asked, leaning over the jury box and smiling all sexily. Well, if I were a Spike, I would be doing the same thing.

" NO!" Tifa screamed, " And I HATE it when people ask me that! Hey, where's Cloud? Isn't he supposed to be here? Has anyone seen Cloud?" She asked all of her witness teamates.

" Cloud's nowhere to be found. And besides, Cloud is on MY side." Cid told her.

" WHAT? But Cloud has to be on MY team!" Tifa shouted, acting like it was the end of the world just because Cloud wasn't right there sending Cid to prison with her.

" Would you please just come sit down here, Tifadeo?" Marius sighed.

" My name's Tifa! And it's not short for ANYTHING!" Tifa yelled at him.

" Ooohkay…just come and sit down…" Marius said, holding his hands up defensively.

As Tifa was on her way to the stand, the SNL guy pointed at her and said, " HEY, Tifa! Are those water balloons glued to your chest, or WHAT?!"

As Rude held Tifa down to keep her from killing him, the SNL guy shouted, " I'm just KIIIIDDING!"

" No, really, I'm curious." Spike said, intrest piqued.

" ORDER IN THE COURT!" Shouted Marius, since he didn't care about things like that… in WOMEN!

" Oath-person!" Marius shouted, pointing at the finally sitting-down Tifa.

" I'm a bailiff." Rude pointed out.

" WHATEVER!" Marius said, disgusted.

" Tifa, do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you Buddha and will you have dinner with me later?" Rude asked Tifa.

" Yes! Wait, what was that last part?" Tifa asked, confused, as Rude ran around in circles screaming, " SCORE!!"

" Alright, as it's prosecution's witness, you may approach first." Marius said.

" But I'm a DEFENSE witness." Tifa told Marius stupidly.

" But it's prosecution's turn!" Marius reasoned.

" Well, you said whoever's turn it was a minute ago, and even though I knew it wasn't my turn, I went anyway." Haru said. " So now it's my turn and your system is all screwed up."

Marius looked like he was about to smite Haru, but then took a DEEEEP breath, closed his eyes, counted to ten, and then opened them, with a very creepy smile on his face. " Then… please… approach… the… witness… Harudeo…" He whispered spookily.

Luckily, Haru was oblivious enough to not be afraid of the big bad Marius. " Tifa… have you ever known Cid to be unresponsible while driving?"

" Well… sometimes he just DOESN'T." Tifa said carefully, giving Cid a guilty look.

" When you're flying an airship, you don't always NEED to look where you're going! It takes you a long time to get there!" Cid yelled at Tifa.

" Has Cid ever drinken and drived?" Haru continued.

" He had… a Kupo-cola, once, while driving." Tifa admitted.

Haru made a tch-tch-tch sound, and stared at the Jury like, 'THIS is the kind of monster whose fate you're deciding.'

" Is it true that once, while at the Gold Saucer, Cid once asked Cloud, can I ride the snowboard, or can I ride the chocobo?" Haru asked.

" Yes…"

" Don't you think that Cid has an obsession with driving things?" Haru said, stroking his chin all sagely.

" Well, maybe, he-"

" Objection!" Haru exclaimed, looking up at Marius.

" To what?" Marius asked.

" He spoke out of turn about driving an airship." Haru said with a vindictive finger pointed at Cid.

" That was almost THREE minutes ago!" Cid yelled.

" Well, I just now noticed it." Haru admitted.

" Just shut up and continue!" Marius snapped, not really paying attention.

" So, as you were saying, ' When Cid was doing the weed while driving, I thought something was wrong…'" Haru said with a 'continue' gesture at Tifa.

" WHAT?! SHE WASN'T SAYING THAT!" Cid yelled.

" Oops. That's all the time I have for you, Tifa-san." Haru said, and sat down. Ooh, that tricky Haru!

" Drugs are bad for you." Marius told Cid with a reprimanding glare. " Adler, your turn."

Jim approached Tifa, then yelled, " I'm JIM ADLER, THE TOUGH, SMART LAWYER!" Then he just sat down, finished. At this point, Cid could only break down and cry. Tifa went to go sit down, as her pointless testimony was over.

There was a brief interlude of CHAOS in which Dyne tried to murder everyone in the building, but they gave him a sedative and he was fine. As fine as a sedated person can be! And then there was the whole trouble with Cid refusing to go on since all of his witnesses were dead or missing or running low on batteries, but they eventually talked him into going on too. And last but not least, don't forget that Vincent kept searching around the room, convinced that Hojo was hiding there somewhere. What a stupid, stupid court.

" Hee-hee…" Marius laughed stupidly, just discovering how amusing the abacus on his big judge desk could be. Then he noticed everyone was watching him, even that crazy wild Scyther, and coughed. " Alright…uh… are there still more witnesses?"

" There's GAZILLIONS!" Said some random person in the auidence we'll call Jamie, but right after he said it he exploded, so we'll call the person sitting next to him Jamie.

" Alright, then do that," Marius said, having fun with his abacus.

" But… I don't have any more witnesses!" Cid cried, and started looking around as if he expected witnesses to come raining from the heavens.

" SURE you do!" Shouted Jim Adler, taking out the list. " Where's Cait Sith?"

" He's out of batteries!" Cid wailed.

" Elena?"

" Dead!

" Rufus?"

" Dead!"

" Cloud?"

" Missing!"

" Barret?"

" Not only is he DEAD, I'm the one who killed him!" Cid screamed. Oh, the irony!

Well, all seemed lost for poor old Cid, but then… guess what? That BUDDY BARN guy came in, toting a HUGE sack of batteries!

" Did anyone need a BUDDY BARN CHEAP RIP-OFF OF ENERGIZER?!" He shouted triumphantly. Cid gave a whoop of joy and bought some batteries from him on the spot.

" Thank you, Buddy Barn guy! Wait, I just remembered that Cait Sith hates me…" Cid said, as his hopes went crumbling like dust. Like dust…

" ANYTIME!" That Buddy Barn guy said with a big grin, and whipped out his magical ocarina, then teleported off to wherever it is Buddy Barn guys go.

Well, Cid figured ANY witness was better than NO witness, so he stuck those batteries into Cait Sith's big pink butt! Cait Sith immediately began to work, because now he had the BUNNY inside! He immediately glared vindicively at Cid.

" You let me fall out of an airship! And then LAUGHED!" Cait Sith screamed, pointing an accusing finger straight at him.

" GASP!" said all of the Jury, except for the ones who couldn't talk, Scyther who said, " SCYTHER!", Spike who didn't care, Dyne who was sedated, and the SNL guy who… thought it was funny and laughed.

…

" GASP!" said Jamie the 2nd and then exploded. Don't worry, the girl next to him became Jamie the 3rd.

" Man, you're screwed." Marius observed, not looking up from his abacus.

Cait Sith approached the witness stand, and probably would have been made fun of by that SNL guy, but he was still laughing hysterically over the fact that Cait Sith had fallen out of an airship. Which was kind of just as bad.

" Cait Sith, do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help you Buddha?" Rude asked.

" Off course!" Cait Sith exclaimed, since I would have made Yuffie do it, but for some reason… she is not here. I guess I could have made her one of Cid's witnesses, but OH WELL!

" I could have had Yuffie AND Reno!" Cid whined.

Shut up! Anyway, as it was Cid's witness, yep, that's right- Jim Adler approached the witness.

" Fifty-thousand dollars. That's a lot of money." Jim Adler confided to Cait Sith confidently.

" Yes, it is." Cait Sith agreed. Jim Adler gave Cait Sith a look of approval, then sat down. I guess that's all he had to say!

Now it was Haru's turn. He sat there and seemed to be giving Cait Sith an intimidating look, but it turned out he was just sitting there and thinking about something that made him mad for three minutes. When he finally got up, everyone gave a big sigh of relief, as he slowly approached the witness box.

" Now, as I can see, you hate Cid." Haru said.

" Yes, yes I do," Cait Sith agreed, both the little cat and the big moogle nodding.

" Because he let you fall out of an airship."

" Not only that… he always ignores me!" Cait Sith exclaimed angrily, shaking his little kitty fists.

" How does he ignore you, Cait Sith?" Haru said in a 'I know it's hard to talk about' voice, as if they were talking about how Cait Sith's mom had died of cancer.

" He NEVER puts me in the party, or gives me any materia, or let's me equip items or watch the TV shows I like!"

" But NOBODY does that with you. You're just a stupid, neglected cat!" Cid argued, since it was STUPID of Cait Sith to accuse him of things that were really all Hayley's fault.

…what? Why is everyone looking at me now? IT'S NOT LIKE I TRY TO NEGLECT HIM! IT JUST HAPPENS! HE ONLY HAS TWO FRIGGIN' LIMIT BREAKS!

Okay, deep breath, continue with story…

" So is that when you contemplated… suicide…?" Haru whispered, as if that's what they had been leading up to the whole time.

" Suicide!" Dyne hooted, raising his fists up into the air.

" Not really." Cait Sith admitted.

" But if you DID commit suicide, it would be mainly Cid's fault?" Haru asked.

" Sure. Why not?" Cait Sith shrugged.

" WAIT A MINUTE-"

" And," Haru continued, drowning out Cid, " That means he would have inadvertantly killed you. Making this KILLING buisness a HOBBY for Cid Highwind!"

" But then WHY would he pretend his hobby was flying things?" Tifa pondered stupidly aloud.

" Mystery-desu." Haru murmured with a befuddled look on his face.

" Can I go now?" Cait Sith asked.

" Yes." Said Marius. He had named the abascus and everything by now. It's name was Bobadeo. " Thank you Cait Sithadeo."

" How many more witnesses before we get to go home?" Spike asked, desprately wishing he was back on the Bebop where the people weren't COMPLETELY insane. Except for Ed.

" BAZILLIONS!" Screamed Jamie the 3rd and then burst into flames, but then again, you were expecting that, weren't you?

OMAKE! Hayley-san, nande kore wa?
 
As usual, more questions from Naki. Maybe I should just make her official question asker person. MWHAHAHA!
 
Naki: At the end of the chapter, what KIND of cookies did everyone get?
 
Hayley: Actually… they didn't get ANY cookies at all! It turned out every single person but Tifa was allergic to cookies! And we couldn't just let only HER have cookies, now could we?!
 
Where was Lestat while Marius was on duty?
 
Hayley: Writing his new book that will hopefully not suck! In North Dakota! DO NOT QUESTION NORTH DAKOTA!
 
Is Vincent okay? (ya know, with the stabbing)
 
Yes, he's fine. He's VINCENT, so he can't DIE!
 
What flavor is the pocky stick that Spike was chewing?
 
Strawberry! 
 
Wait... who won?
 
What do you mean? IT'S AIN'T OVER YET!

NEXT TIME…

Cloud, Disco Dancing, and Will but not Grace!