Chapter uh…9!
Cloud, Disco-Dancing, and Will but not Grace!
" YOU'RE FIRED!" Cid bellowed at Jim Adler.
" You can't fire me, I QUIT!" Jim Adler shouted back, and got his little hobo bag and began to walk slowly and sadly away, with a big spotlight on him and sad piano music playing in the background.
ARGH! CID! WHY DID YOU HAVE TO GO AND FIRE JIM LIKE THAT?! Now I have to find a new lawyer… I KNOW! All of a sudden, an airmail box fell from the sky and hit Jamie the 4th in the head, instantly killing them. But don't worry, the box became Jamie the 5th. And out of the box came… WILL! FROM WILL AND GRACE! I told you I'd have some random gay person in this story! OHOHO! You thought I had forgotten, didn't ya? Well, now I have a lawyer AND a gay person to make all the homophobics be very sad and cry!
" What the hell?! Where am I? WHO Am I?" Will asked incredously. Okay, he didn't say who am I.
" Go to sleep!" I commanded, and Will's eyes went all hazy and he became posessed by the spirit of Tentacruel who would command him and make him be a good lawyer because I say so. Cid was happy because he had a lawyer, I was happy because I had a cat, and MARIUS was happy because he still had his abascus!
" Alright, go defense." Marius said.
" But it's OUR turn." Haru said very paitently.
" Well, not anymore!" Marius said evilly, since he remembered how Haru had tricked him in the last chapter. Haru gave Marius a surprised look.
" That's mean." Haru said in an amazed voice, as if could not comprehend anyone ever being mean to him.
" Bii-daa." Marius said, making that strange japanese taunt face.
" But I have no more witnesses! No more LIVING ones anyway." Cid whined.
" Give us back our ocean home!" Will posessed by Tentacruel thundered, but then snapped out of it. " Oh dear," He said, " Well, then how am I supposed to defend you?"
" Hi," said Zack, who had conviently walked in with Cloud, who was babbling like a fool. " Is this a bad time?"
" Why would it be a bad time?" Everyone asked.
Of course, Zack had only said that to be COOL and he had nothing to say now! So he just sort of nudged Cloud all the way over to Cid's side of court. Nevermind how Zack is supposed to be dead and missing and all.
" I've been on a buisness trip in Chicago, sorry I was late." Zack told everybody, even though he wasn't even in the witness list, much less this STORY! And since when does Chicago exist? MAN, ZACK, YOU'RE RUINING MY STORY!
" No, I was on a buisness trip in Chicago." Cloud argued stupidly.
" No, Cloud, you don't. You live here, and you… do whatever it is you do." Zack sighed.
" No, that was YOU. I'M the one who went on a buisness trip to Chicago." Cloud replied.
" Cloud, that is NOT TRUE!"
" Quit trying to steal my identity, Zack!" Cloud snapped. AWK!
" Ah, well, now that Cloudadeo is here, we can start another testimony. So Cloudadeo, come to the stand." Marius sighed.
" But I'M the judge. Why are you there? You must be thinking of someone else." Cloud lied, giving Marius a suspicous look. My God, once he's started, he can't stop.
" CLOUD! HOORAY!" Tifa yelled, and lunged for him, but she was so happy that she EXPLODED! No, just kidding, she just… hit her head and went to sleep! Leave me alone!
" No, Cloudadeo, I am, unfortunately, the judge here. Now please just come sit and let the strange men ask you questions." Marius told Cloud, having grown, FINALLY, bored of his abascus. He now wanted to try and be a good judge! Okay, he didn't, but he will.
So, Cloud walked up to the stand with this 'okay, FINE, if you won't shut up' look, and was about to sit down when he was stopped by that SNL guy.
" Hey, Cloud. You so crazy… that your hair SUCKS!" That guy said.
" No, I think that that was your hair." Cloud said thoughtfully.
" SCREW YOU BIG POOP!" SNL guy screamed and sat down sadly, and didn't say I'm just kidding. Because he probably wasn't.
" Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth- Nevermind, you're Cloud." Rude sighed, and went to go sit down.
" Alright, strange gay man posessed by Tentacruel, you may approach the witness." Marius told Will. And Will did so, eyes still glowing, and voice still strange and deep.
" No, I think I was the one whose supposed to approach the witness." Cloud argued politely.
" Cloudadeo, if you ever question me again I will crush your spiky little head in." Marius replied just as politely.
" Okay, Mr.Cloud. Tell me exactly what happened at the scene of the crime." The Tentacruel-posessed Will said. You might THINK he was just asking a smart question, but REALLY he didn't even know what the case was about! ARGH!
Cloud froze for a few seconds, and you could tell he was forming an elaborate scheme of a mixture of lies and truth, but unfortunately only YOU could tell, and no one else in the courtroom could.
" Cid was piloting the airship, but I was asking him to let me have a turn. That's when I saw Barret, and told him to stop. Then… then he crashed into Barret and killed him. WHAT ABOUT MY FEELINGS CID!? MY BODY'S SHAKING, MY ARMS ARE TREMBLING, MY EYES ARE… BURNING!" Cloud cried, raising two stupidly shaking arms into the air.
" Objection! You just made all of that up!" Cid shouted. Technically, he wasn't the lawyer, but Marius had already forgotten about that.
" No, YOU made it up!" Cloud retorted.
" You can't talk during my objection!"
" But this is MY objection." Cloud stated.
" ARGH! HYRDO PUMP!" Will posessed by Tentacruel screeched, and grabbed a glass of water, took a swig, then spat it out at Cloud. Since he was at least ten feet away, it's safe to say that he missed.
" What are you…MENTAL?" Cloud asked Will.
" That's it! Next lawyer!" Marius bellowed.
Haru, who had fallen asleep, was woken up, and he approached Cloud, looking slightly grumpy. UH-OH. " Where were you October 18th?" He asked sleepily.
" WHERE WERE YOU?" Cloud replied, widening his eyes in an offended way. " Because I'M the one who went INSIDE the house to get the candy. I'm not the one who stayed OUTSIDE and watched Tifa."
" That has nothing to do with what I asked you." Haru concluded after he had thought about it for awhile, eye twitching.
" No, I was asking you."
" But I'm the lawyer."
" I'M the lawyer."
" You're making me very angry, Mr. Strife. And I don't think you'd like me when I'm angry." Haru warned.
" I don't think YOU'D like ME when I'M angry," Cloud replied, standing up and placing his hands on his hips like a fool.
Haru looked down at the ground for a few seconds, so you couldn't see his face, but when he looked up… HIS PUPILS WERE SMALLER!
" BURN IN HELL, STRIFE!" Black Haru screamed, and leapt onto the witness stand and began pummeling Cloud into oblivion. Cloud tried to say, ' No, YOU burn in hell-' but was too busy having his jaw broken.
" Harudeo, quit that." Marius commanded, but of course he was ignored.
" DIE! SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL AND DIE! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU LIKE THE PLAGUE!" Haru screeched, throwing Cloud's now lifeless body onto the floor and began stomping up and down on it. Everyone watched with a very disturbed expression. They were speechless. Well, Ryo, Crono, Serge, and Harvest Moon Guy were ALREADY speechless! AH HA HA HA!…ahem.
So…
Cloud was dead. All the munchkins came out and sang their song before hauling him away to devour his carcass. Marius continued the trial, and they all pretended that there had been no disturbance. Haru stared at the color green for a long time until his tension level dropped back to normal.
" Alright, next witness is… Sephirothade- Oh, screw it, that's too hard to say. Let's have a giant talent show instead." Marius snapped.
And that is what they will do.
*Bonus!*
" Won't you take me to… FUNK-AY town?! Won't you take me to… FUNK-AY town?!" Reno cooed, as Spike, Scyther, Marius, and Haru all danced like fools.
Now I want you to think about this and imagine it in your head for awhile.
…
…
…
My God, frightening, isn't it?
Hayley-San, Nande Kore wa?
Naki: What was Amaedo-chan wearing?
Hayley: WHAT, AM I HIS MOTHER OR SOMETHING?! He was wearing… A BIG CHICKEN COSTUME! HA! (shudders)
Naki: Where will Rude take Tifa out?
Hayley: Uh… Chuckee Cheeses. And she will NOT like it.
Naki: Would you buy me a kupo cola?
Hayley: Well, I WOULD if it EXISTED!
Naki: How did Haru get so good?
Hayley: By not trying to be.
Naki: So really, Cait Sith should be testifying against YOU... right?
Hayley: Sure… IF HE WOULD LIKE TO DIE!!! MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…hah…