IMPORTANT NOTE: I HAVE POSTED PART OF THIS UPDATE ON 9TH FEB 2004 IN THE PREVIOUS CHAPTER. PLEASE REFER TO THE LAST CHAPTER BEFORE READING THIS CHAPTER FOR CONTINUITY PURPOSES ! :)
AN: What can I say ???? Thanks so much to all my dear readers for the wonderful reviews. Loved every one of them! Between, loved the fact that you found it disturbing :)! I certainly hope that this chapter explains everything clearly. Definitely there will be an epilogue after this. I won't leave you all hanging :) Between, if you have any questions about any parts of this story please ask them prior to my next update because this website has disallowed authors to post any chapters comprising solely of author's notes. This chapter should have solved every single mystery in the past so if anything is not clear, pls feel free to ask and I'll answer in an Q&A section in my next (and hopefully last) chapter.
Magicalfoci: Hi hi! Oops science fiction? Sooo sorry! I hope this chapter answers your question indirectly about how Rui feels about Tsukushi's involvement! Really enjoyed reading your opinions and thanks so much for your encouraging and motivating comments !!!
Kaio: Hello there !! Actually this took place after she got back with Tsukasa. I meant for all the weirdness in the manga to take place before this "kidnap". How does this sequence fit in with your thoughts? I hope it's still okay? I think in the Manga Tsukushi almost slept with Tsukasa and I was trying to capture it in Akira's conversation with Tsukasa - the part when she tries too hard to make it up to him. However, perhaps it was too subtle :). Thanks for your clarification! At first I did think you meant R&T until I read it again :) Thanks for your encouraging comments and I hope this chapter is fast enough ;)
Angel72 : Yes, it's been a while! Good to "hear" from you again! Really enjoyed reading your comments. I wonder what your feelings for Shizuka are now? Exactly how screwed up is Tsukushi after this encounter? Well, I guess this chapter answers your question ne ;)?
.:: Stacey ::. (perfectionisimpossible@hotmail.com) : I'm sorry to hear about your grandpa. I do hope he's now fine. Don't worry about my updates - they'll alwiz be on the net anyways! Ah Shizuka seems to be on everyone's hate list ;) Anyway, take care and I hope everything that happens will be the best for you!
piglet: When I read your comment I was thinking - oh gosh, if I had completed the entire update (including the part that I posted on 9th Feb) how much more horrific would that be ? :) Thanks so much for your wonderful comments and insights. Loved reading them. I'm so glad that you liked that sentence - I actually spent slightly more time on that compared to others :) Will this end up R&T? Still thinking about my 3 potential endings ;)
Nana-chan: Hi hi! Oops, I'm afraid the pain isn't ending yet. However, I shan't elabourate here otherwise I would be giving too much away :) I hope you'll still like this chapter in spite of the dark themes though. Thanks so much for your encouraging comments !!!!
kensingtonkid: Hi hi! Another Shizuka hater I see! (Actually quite frankly, I have to admit I don't like her that much myself - I'm sure it shows in my writing unfortunately.) Thanks so much for your kind and encouraging comments as per always !!!
zro: A new reader! Ah welcome! I hope you didn't have to wait too long for this chapter and that it meets your expectations ;). And I hope this chapter answers all questions about Shizuka! Thanks so much for reading !!
trevtrev : Thanks so much for your kind comment !!! I'm so glad you liked the last chapter.
sweetpeakit: Hi hi! Yes, I definitely agree with you that R&T have suffered enough (more than enough actually) but sometimes my fingers just get away from me . . ;) (Rui: Yes, that's right! Go ahead and put the blame on an innocent part of your anatomy that is controlled by your brain!) The ending huh . . Let me think about my 3 endings - I guess you would expect one of them to be happy and one of them to be sad . . Thanks so much for your comment - really enjoyed reading your opinion !!!
angel310 : Hi Angel! Righto! Hitting the nail on the head as usual. I was trying to finish this story quickly. I thought it has dragged on long enough - did you notice how exceptionally long last chapter and this chapter is ;)? Thanks thanks thanks so much for your kind comments on my writing !!! Made my day! And loved reading your insight! Sorry 'bt the unexpected "togetherness" of R&T and the depressing events. I guess there are indeed some dark bits in my story. (Rui: That's definitely the understatement of the day!)
just a teen: Hey I loved your name = description. It was so appropriate for that chapter!!! I hope this update is fast enough for you and thanks for your encouraging comments !!!
Yumez: Wow, thanks sooooooooo much for your lovely comments! Really enjoyed reading your interpretation of Rui's character and I'm really impressed you recalled Rui's dilemma in the past when he was questioning his own abilities to love others the way his best friend could !!
Cuppajava: Thanks so much for your kind comments !!! Really really appreciate it especially when it comes from a fellow writer. I hope this chapter meets your expectations as well :)
Chapter 36 - Aftermath
*Two months later*
"Thanks for your help. We've finally got them all including their leader. Also, we could not have infiltrated their "camp" so easily if you had not informed us of the location and lured him away with a false message." Although there were dark rings surrounding the pale blue eyes of the elderly gentleman, his expression was still extremely alert.
"At what price?" The slim figure turned towards him. A closer examination revealed worry lines on the classically beautiful face that told of the strain she had been under and many sleepless nights. The bitterness in her voice was palpable as she continued relentlessly, "years of living the life of a leaper and a part-time courtesan, being separated from my friends and family, and allowing all including those closest to me to believe that I am a traitor . . Which ironically I am, depending on whose point of view you are adopting. Having to lie to all those people who have ignorantly welcomed me into their lives and losing an extremely close friend whom I also loved. And in the end, those closest to me still get hurt especially the innocent . ." Her voice faded away.
She knew that he could have told her it was just the nature of the game and that she had been informed of the possible consequences from the start. He knew that she could have countered by arguing that they had taken advantage of the unrealistic optimism and idealism of a sixteen year old who had barely experienced life. So, the words remained unspoken.
"Why don't you ask?" He finally broke the silence.
"How is he?" Her tone was very quiet.
"The doctors didn't really lie, you know."
She made a noise that would have been identified as a snort coming from any less elegant person, "of course I know they have to stick to the truth to a sufficient degree so that even other doctors not in direct contact with the patient would not suspect a thing. Isn't that the basic of telling a convincing lies? You've all drilled it in me since the age of . . Six? Seven? I can't even remember any more. "
"Well, you know that he's still in the rehabilitation ward . . "Cell" would be a better term though." Her brows furrowed at the thought of the padded, barely furnished and enclosed room. "Physically, he's more or less recovered and will fully recover, although he was bedridden for almost a month. Mentally . . the doctors are not sure if he would regain the full use of his mental capacities although they remain optimistic . . he is suffering from an extremely severe case of post-traumatic stress disorder after all, one of the most severe cases to date . ." Her heartbeat sped up as he hesitated.
"He hasn't improved much . . Most of the time he either sits and stares blankly at the wall or out of the window, or hides in a corner of the room and rocks himself to and fro, not responding to anyone. And he is quite often sedated at night because of his recurring nightmares . . Then there are periods when he shrinks from any human contact and also periods where he gets lapses in his memory - he doesn't know who he is or where he is . . and of course the occasional bouts of violence when he attacks everyone and anyone, tries to hurt himself or gets extremely agitated to the extend of going into fits . . He can't see anyone in a uniform or anything that reminds him of the past with the exception of Ms Makino because it sets him off, and we never know how he would react . ."
"He will never be the same man again. He has been through too much. The effect of the second rape was compounded by the fact that it led him to relive the horrors of the first. Rape is not something you get used to, quite on contrary. Also, he not only had to deal with the guilt of being unable to protect, but instead be - what he mistakenly thinks as - fully responsible for the rape of woman that he totally loves . ."
"I had no idea . ." she started saying. "He hid his feelings for her too well."
"And to top it off, he killed a small army of men with his bare hands. Regardless of whether he felt or still feels that it is justified, he has to deal with the emotion backlash that comes with killing another fellow being including the guilt, the remorse and the horror. It does not matter if the other party deserves to die or not, he has to live with this new perception of himself as a monstrosity, and the belief that he has turned his back on his values, upbringing and even the basic human emotions of compassion, decency and humanity. . He wasn't trained by us to be psychologically prepared for something that." Although she remained silent, she twisted her hands together - the small action betraying her distress.
Then he made a comment that was completely out of character. "Did you know that in our numerous arguments, he would always emphasize that he was not a field agent to get out of missions? And he ends up taking out more people than a team of my armed field agents normally would in a lifetime, with the exception of a war breaking out. The rescue team basically only had to clean up after him when they arrived." Then there was a trace of something similar to regret in his voice, "I have hand-picked and trained many excellent agents, but he was definitely one of the most gifted along with you and a couple of others. His most unique ability was his versatility, and his downfall was that his inability to be as coldly logical as his exterior led people to believe. He cared too much about those he loved."
"And when is being human is a fault?" She could not help commenting.
"Cleo, you are far more able to control your emotions. That can make a difference between life and death in situations." It was a fact that no one could dispute.
"And so you decided to write him off?"
His brows furrowed slightly at her terminology, "we had to sacrifice someone, Cleo."
"Why did you have to choose him? Hasn't he suffered enough?"
"We have been through this argument before and my answer remains."
"That your decision is final?" She said with sarcasm. "Or is it because you think he is the weakest link? Do you know that he remained loyal and didn't give anything away? He could have saved himself instead . ."
There was nothing he could say to that. However, someone had to be the lure. And as circumstances had it, unfortunate as it may be for him, Stein had certainly been the "best and most suitable" candidate. He changed the subject, "I see that your other friend is recovering quite nicely."
Shizuka made a sound of disbelief, "amongst other things, she's undergone periods of deep depression, has had her confidence and belief in other people shattered, initiated and suffered through a messy break up with an extremely possessive boyfriend, has been and is still totally torn up about Rui, and is still seeing the psychiatrist you recommended . . You call that "recovering quite nicely"?"
"This is normal for someone who has undergone such a traumatic experience as her. She's been very strong and coping extremely well, all things considered. I mean look at Stein. Also, she hasn't been blaming you, has she?"
Shizuka lowered her head, "no, your talk with her after the rescue apparently worked wonders. She has never blamed me. In fact, she looks at me with compassion." Her hands were clenched tightly into fists. "She's the kindest, most understanding and most forgiving person I know. Always had been, and this experience hasn't changed this aspect of her. Thank goodness."
"So, what are your plans now that you can no longer remain in France?"
"I will stay here, in Japan. That happens to be in line with Bernard's plans as well."
"Between, please feel free to reconsider your decision. We will always welcome such a talented agent back."
"J, you promised that this was the last assignment."
"And I never break my promise," he added smoothly. "I know you better than yourself Cleo. Do you think you will be satisfied with leading a normal life after this? You thrive on challenges. I'm just letting you know that my door will always be open."
As she walked out of the door, he added a parting shot, "and don't worry about your friends. They are in good hands." Of course, Shizuka thought wryly as she left the building, he would continue to keep tabs on everything in relation to the last showdown, just as he had masterminded the excellent cover job in converting the entire event into a kidnapping with ruthless kidnappers.
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*One year later*
"Tsukushi, are you ready to be with me again?" A tall dark handsome gentleman wearing a dark suit bent down as he took the slim young lady's hands in his strong tanned ones. His curly hair was still as unruly as ever but the angles of his face had grown more pronounced, adding strength and maturity to his face.
There was a long silence, then, "I'm sorry, I can't." She said softly as she gently withdrew her hands from his. "Please forgive me."
"If it's because of what happened . . you know I don't care." He persisted. "Let me take care of you." A spasm of pain contorted her face for an instance before it smoothed out again. It hurt. It really hurt to hear those familiar words. Just how many times had HE said those same words to her, only to have her brush them away or take them for granted?
"Tsukasa, you know how I feel. Nothing has changed since the last time you asked me. Please don't do this to yourself anymore." She said gently, not wanting to hurt his feelings. She knew that Tsukasa had been devastated over the entire incident that had culminated in him losing his girlfriend and his best friend all at once. He had refused to accept her decision, putting it down to the ravings of one who was temporary insane as a result of the terrible experience that she had undergone. It took quite a while and all her powers of conviction before she finally got through to him and he had accepted that she no longer loved him that way. Then came the terrible period when he withdrew from the world and avoided her. She had seriously thought that it was the end of their friendship when he suddenly showed up at her doorstep one day with Akira and Soujirou. They started hanging out together again and slowly rebuilt their friendship, although their bond remained extremely fragile.
Dear loyal Akira and Soujirou. She thought of the two playboys fondly. They had stood staunchly by her side helping her through the difficult time, and had become her close friends. Of course although they were her friends to start with, undeniably a small part of their reason for supporting her was because of Tsukasa and of course Him. Technically HE was still alive but . . she close her eyes briefly at the ache in her heart that accompanied any thought of him. Time had managed to dull the acuteness of the pain but she wondered if it would ever be removed totally . .
"I can wait. You may change your mind after a few more months." Tsukasa's voice brought her back to the present. Tsukushi saw the stubborn expression on his face and quietly heaved a sigh.
"Tsukasa, you have been asking me the same question every two months since we broke up more than a year ago. Nothing will change." She said softly.
"Tsukushi, if it's because of Rui, may I remind you that I had already changed your mind once before and I can do it again. And remember what the doctors have said? You saw it with your own eyes. There is no point in waiting for him . . He wouldn't want to see you this way . ." He stopped when he caught the flash of pain in her eyes and sighed heavily.
She clutched her hands tightly together, "you won't understand . ."
"Then make me!" He reached out and framed her face with his large hands, not allowing her to turn away. "That's what you have been saying to all of us. What makes you think we all wouldn't understand? At least give us a chance. Speak to us, speak to me . . You owe me." He reminded her.
"Why do you persist in making me say things that will only hurt you?"
"Because it's better to have my hopes dashed all at once than for me to continue hoping that things are still possible between us if they aren't. You have to be cruel to be kind, unless you still feel something for me. And you know what? I think you are scared and confused about your feeling. Guilt is not love, Tsukushi. Tormenting yourself will not bring the Rui that we know back." His dark eyes were flashing and his nostrils dilated in passion.
"Do you promise that we will remain friends no matter what I say?"
"I do."
"Alright," she said steeling herself as she took in a deep breath, "I'll tell you . . the long and short is that I love Rui. I have always loved him, but he was cold and aloof . . then you came along and I thought he'd love another, so I turned to you, storing the bulk of my love for him away and converting the remainder to something more platonic. We know what happened subsequently . . I loved you then and was loyal to you. He accepted that and the fact that he could only love me from afar. Although it must have caused him great pain, he hid his anguish and only thought of me as he continued to be there supporting me through all difficult times. I should have known how much he loved me by his actions, but I was always stupid, oblivious and stubborn . ." Her voice became unsteady, "when he started opening up to me, to show me what he really was like, I fell hard . . but my loyalty was in the way and I struggled hard against my feelings . ." Tears started welling up in her eyes. "When we were captured, I learnt things about him that I never knew . . Tsukasa, he's so much more than we ever imagined him to be, so much more. If only I knew . ." Even as her eyes shimmered with tears, they shone with a tender love and hero worship. "And he sacrificed so much to protect me. If it wasn't for me he wouldn't be in his current condition now . ."
Tsukasa sighed, "his condition hasn't improved at all. Did you manage to see him the last time?" Tsukushi shook her head.
"You know that I get to see him about as regularly as you all do, which is almost never. Most of the time he doesn't even appear to know that I'm around. And they have decided not to let me visit him in his rare lucid moments because you know what happened the first and last time they did . ." The tears finally slipped down her cheeks. He did know. Rui had been unable to stop apologising and finally became so agitated and upset that they had to sedate him. Then when he woke up, he tried to hurt himself . .
"Hush .. it's okay." Tsukasa said as he slowly slipped his arms around Tsukushi and held her lightly. He suppressed a sigh when he felt her body tensing at the initial contact before she relaxed and gently put her arms around his waist. After all, she had undergone an extremely traumatic experience as well. However, as the doctors pointed out, her compassion and concern for Rui had hastened her recovery. She cared far more for his welfare than her own, which made her situation appear less severe to herself than it would otherwise have been. They both sighed simultaneously as they comforted each other without words, thinking about their absent friend . .