Disclaimer: If I have to explain that I don't own anything but the plot and
new characters, you truly are a stupid individual.
A/N: I finally got time to write this chapter! I had a hard time getting started. The story will be kind of slow at first, but things will get darker soon. Hermione is on the edge of severe depression, and you will see some of it in this chapter. I would like to thank SoccerLily and JWD for reviewing my story.
"I don't know why I had a stream of fear running through the back of my thoughts, but it ran, thin and silvery, like a thread of light I was afraid to touch."
-Rain V.C. Andrews
Chapter One:
Dear Harry,
How have you been? It's been a couple weeks since I last heard from you. Is everything all right? How are the Dursley's treating you? You have been staying out of trouble, haven't you? I sure hope that you have. How have you been holding up? I know it's been hard with Sirius dead, and I do hope you don't do anything stupid. I've been worried about you. Your last letter was rather elusive, as if you really weren't focused what you wrote. I don't think I'll be staying at headquarters this year; I'd like to spend as much time with my parents while times are still good. I have been keeping track of the Daily Prophet, but there have been no significant articles on Voldemort, save for the reports of hysterical lunatics claiming to have seen him near their homes. But we all know that those reports are ludicrous. I don't know if you have heard from Ron at all, but he told me, (he finally learned to use a telephone) that his family is once again staying at headquarters. He called me from a phone booth. He hinted that you might be going to headquarters in a few weeks. Take care, Harry. I'll try to catch you at Diagon Alley.
Love from,
Hermione
I reread the letter, making sure it didn't reveal too much about what I was thinking. I hoped he wasn't good at reading between the lines, for he would probably be angry if he did.
Harry had seemed fine at the end of the school year, but I wasn't sure if he really was. His letters had gotten more and more depressed as time went on, and I was afraid he might do something stupid. Like committing suicide.
Sighing deeply, I stuffed the letter into an envelope, and gave it to my new owl, Gypsy. She took it in her beak, and took off. I lay back on my bed. It was around three in the morning, yet I couldn't bring myself to sleep. I had been having some strange dreams lately, and though I couldn't remember all of the dreams in their entirety, the parts I did recollect were enough to make me want to disappear under my bed covers and never come out again.
Despite the dreams, though, my summer had gone rather well. I only had a slight pain in my ribs from time to time, and the days I spent with my parents and old friends were enjoyable. It was refreshing after the hectic previous school year, to not have to worry about Voldemort and Umbridge and Harry's mental health. Sometimes I just wished that I didn't have to go back to Hogwarts, yet my thirst for knowledge always drove me back. If it hadn't been for Ron and Harry, I probably would've gone insane from all of the pressures of trying to be perfect. The anxiety I had intensified in the fifth year, and I had become severely depressed. Not that anyone knew or noticed. I had to be cheerful in order to help Harry. But that deep ache of hopelessness had increased after the Department of Mysteries, and some days I was so upset that I would suddenly break out into sobs. I didn't know what that spell was that was cast on me, but my depression had intensified greatly after that. As I thought about that night, I felt a sudden onslaught of that depression. Reaching for the small bottle on my dresser, I popped a couple of sleeping pills in my mouth, knowing that even if they didn't cause me fall to sleep, the pills would numb my senses.
As I was lying on my bed, I thought about how I always tried to be perfect. It really was hard to live up to the expectations put on me, and I even considered purposely failing my classes. I could even see the expressions on my teachers faces when they handed back my paper with a big zero on it. No more Miss Perfect. It was about then that the pills kicked in, and my mind started to wander. I had been thinking about being perfect, and soon the topic in my head evolved into something entirely different; I began to wonder about how to make the perfect bread pudding. Rather idiotic, but it did pass the time. I was so engrossed on the topic that I didn't notice it when the first light of dawn filtered in through my window. I was in a fuzzy sort of stupor, and only came to my senses when a bird flitted into my room, landed on my windowsill, and started to chirp. I watched with amusement as I saw Crookshanks creep up on the little bird, and shook my head as the cat pounced on it. Poor little bird never have a chance. I glanced at my clock, and saw that it was five-thirty. It was the perfect time to get up. I swung my legs around, and placed them on the floor. I picked up the little calendar that my dad had gotten me, the one with the inspirational messages for each day. Out of habit, I flipped to Wednesday, July thirty-first, and read the message.
"Friends never have to ask if anything is wrong. They already know just by seeing you."
Unknown
"Funny," I snorted, "that must mean that none of them see me."
~*~*~
After pulling on an old housecoat, and grabbing a cup of tea, I went out the back door into the garden. Stumbling slightly as Crookshanks rubbed against legs, I went into a little grove of trees in the yard that I had claimed as my own when I was five years old. Sitting on the bench that had been placed there, I was content to just sit and listen to the birds chirp. Through a gap in the trees, the sunrise was visible, and that feeling of not going back to Hogwarts became even more intense. I would have been content to just sit in that grove of trees for the rest of my life. I was almost tempted to stay there on that bench, refusing to move. I even tensed myself up when I saw my mother come out, preparing myself to cling to that bench, but when she called out to me, I stood up, and walked over to her.
"Morning honey. How did you sleep?" she asked. I looked up at her when I reached. I loved to see my mother's face in the morning because she always had a smile for me. My mother was a very lovely woman, and even more so in the morning, with her long blond hair wild and crazy around her beautiful face. I always wished that I would grow up to look like her, but, like every wish I had, it was not going to happen. Mum was tall and slender, her body proportionately matched, with golden blond hair that fell down the small of her back. She was very tall with legs for miles, and a curvy body that would make any clothing look good on her. In comparison to her, I was rather short and scrawny, standing only around five feet four inches, with bushy brown hair and small breasts. It was hard to believe that I was her daughter at times.
I suppose I idolized my mother like all girls do, but my mother really was an exceptional woman. I didn't just want to look like her; I wanted to be like her. Mother had a personality that just drew people to her, like a moth to a flame, and always brought smiles to peoples faces. I had a hard time just getting to know someone. She could crack jokes that even the unpleasant of people would laugh at. She so good at it that I didn't doubt that she could make even Snape laugh. I wanted to be like her more than anything.
"I slept ok," I lied. Mum had a way of becoming too motherly if I told her about any of my sleeping problems.
"That'd good to hear. So, are you ready for our girls' day out today? I have the reservations at the spa in order, so I thought we might get a head start. I'm glad that you're up so early, we can leave in about an hour. Let's get dressed, grab something to eat, and head on out," she said excitedly. I grinned happily. Ever since I had turned ten, Mother and I went to the spa at Turnberry in Ayrshire in the summer, making it a mother daughter trip. It was always enjoyable, and I had been looking forward to it. A little bit of relaxation was just what I needed.
We started to head up to the house, walking in comfortable silence. We were just about to enter the house when Mum suddenly said to me, "Maybe we should go to the hair salon to get our hair styled. My hair is getting awfully long, and your hair has been the same way since you were five. And maybe we'll go to a makeup specialist to have you look at makeup and get your colouring. And then get some new clothing for the both of us. Hell, we can even rent a suite in some fancy hotel and stay there until Sunday! Wouldn't it be fun to get away for a few days, to just indulge in ourselves without your dad?" I started as she said this; the excitement in her voice unfamiliar to me.
"Of course it would be fun, but do we have enough money for something like that?" I asked cautiously keeping my excitement at the prospect down to a minimum.
"We do. Business has done really well down at the Dentistry. We've had several root canals, which is bad for the people, but good for us. We've been saving up," she answered, her tone of voice normal again.
"Well then, why don't we do it? A totally unplanned trip, just winging it! I think that is just what we need to do!" I exclaimed, my excitement rising.
"Just don't tell your father yet!" she called as I charged up the stairs to change. I quickly got dressed, and then packed some summer clothes and my bathing suit in a duffel bag. I had everything packed quickly, and only slowed down after I had everything stuffed into the trunk of Mums new car. Mum laughed at my exuberance, and told me that we were going to leave in an hour. I went up to my room, to excited for breakfast, and bounced onto the bed. I was so happy to be able to get out of the house for a trip. So excited that I even forgot about the previous nights bout of depressing thoughts. Finally the hour passed, and Mother and I set off for a much needed vacation.
~*~*~
"That Lisa is a damned good masseuse," Mum muttered as she fell onto the soft sofa in our suite.
"She is. And that scalp massage was wonderful," I replied lazily as I flung myself on one of the armchairs. I felt so relaxed.
"I really love your hair now. I'm glad you decided to do more that have it trimmed. It suits you with it above the shoulders. Without all of that hair in the way you can see you facial features more. You look so much like Leonora did when she was your age," she said.
"Aunt 'Nora? I don't look anything like her! She's much prettier," I said back, my face scrunched up in confusion.
"You're pretty too Hermione. You just always hide behind a book, so no one ever sees you. If you don't mind, I think I'll take a nap before we go for dinner. Wake me in a few hours," she yawned as she walked into her room. She closed the door, but I continued to stare at it. I noticed that the wood had a strange pattern in the grain. She actually thought that I was pretty. Of course, her being my mother automatically made her think that I was, but it was the first time anyone had ever told me.
I went into the bathroom and looked into the mirror. It was true, what she said about my face. Without so much hair in the way, you could actually see my facial features. I didn't know what they did to my hair, but it was much more relaxed, and smoother, and was just above my shoulder. They had highlighted my hair with a more brownish blond colour, making it shine. My hair did seem to fit me better, but I still didn't think that I was pretty.
I sighed deeply, now convinced that my mother was either blind or completely bonkers. I stared at myself for a few moments when I decided to go to the beach. I changed out of my summer dress into a pair of slacks and a loose t-shirt, left a note for my mother, and headed downstairs. I walked up the boulevard to the shoreline, making a mental note to stop by some of the shops I saw for some gifts for Harry and Ron.
I was thinking about what I would get them when I realized with a shock that it was Harry's birthday. Oh, I hope he doesn't mind a late present, I thought to myself. Sorry Harry, but I don't have any money.
Shaking my head with regret, wondering how I could have forgotten, I continued on my way to the beach. When I reached the sand, I took off my flip-flops, and started to walk to the waters edge. The feel of the sand between my toes was wonderful, and I was able to forget my guilt over forgetting about Harry. I always loved going to the beach, and seeing the ocean was breathtaking as usual. The water seemed like it would go on forever.
From the first time I saw the ocean, I fell in love with it. I would fantasize about having a small house by the beach, and how my life would be. Sometimes at night, I could even smell the salty tang of the ocean breeze. When you glanced into the ocean it was as if you were looking into eternity, as if the water never ended.
When I became older, I began to fantasize darker dreams. Life would become so hard, due to my obsession with being perfect, and trying to due everything. It was a sickness of mine, this obsession of mine. It never left me, never eased up. In the end I wished that I wasn't myself. Sometimes I just wanted it all to go away. I wanted it so much, that I would think back to the ocean, think back to eternity. I would dream about the day when I would swim out in the ocean, swim out into eternity, and never return. I would leave behind all of my pain, and leave my nightmares behind. It was a fantasy so wonderful that sometimes I would even get caught up in it. For in eternity, there was no pain, there were no nightmares. There was only myself. There was nothing.
More than anything else, I craved for nothingness.
A/N: I finally got time to write this chapter! I had a hard time getting started. The story will be kind of slow at first, but things will get darker soon. Hermione is on the edge of severe depression, and you will see some of it in this chapter. I would like to thank SoccerLily and JWD for reviewing my story.
"I don't know why I had a stream of fear running through the back of my thoughts, but it ran, thin and silvery, like a thread of light I was afraid to touch."
-Rain V.C. Andrews
Chapter One:
Dear Harry,
How have you been? It's been a couple weeks since I last heard from you. Is everything all right? How are the Dursley's treating you? You have been staying out of trouble, haven't you? I sure hope that you have. How have you been holding up? I know it's been hard with Sirius dead, and I do hope you don't do anything stupid. I've been worried about you. Your last letter was rather elusive, as if you really weren't focused what you wrote. I don't think I'll be staying at headquarters this year; I'd like to spend as much time with my parents while times are still good. I have been keeping track of the Daily Prophet, but there have been no significant articles on Voldemort, save for the reports of hysterical lunatics claiming to have seen him near their homes. But we all know that those reports are ludicrous. I don't know if you have heard from Ron at all, but he told me, (he finally learned to use a telephone) that his family is once again staying at headquarters. He called me from a phone booth. He hinted that you might be going to headquarters in a few weeks. Take care, Harry. I'll try to catch you at Diagon Alley.
Love from,
Hermione
I reread the letter, making sure it didn't reveal too much about what I was thinking. I hoped he wasn't good at reading between the lines, for he would probably be angry if he did.
Harry had seemed fine at the end of the school year, but I wasn't sure if he really was. His letters had gotten more and more depressed as time went on, and I was afraid he might do something stupid. Like committing suicide.
Sighing deeply, I stuffed the letter into an envelope, and gave it to my new owl, Gypsy. She took it in her beak, and took off. I lay back on my bed. It was around three in the morning, yet I couldn't bring myself to sleep. I had been having some strange dreams lately, and though I couldn't remember all of the dreams in their entirety, the parts I did recollect were enough to make me want to disappear under my bed covers and never come out again.
Despite the dreams, though, my summer had gone rather well. I only had a slight pain in my ribs from time to time, and the days I spent with my parents and old friends were enjoyable. It was refreshing after the hectic previous school year, to not have to worry about Voldemort and Umbridge and Harry's mental health. Sometimes I just wished that I didn't have to go back to Hogwarts, yet my thirst for knowledge always drove me back. If it hadn't been for Ron and Harry, I probably would've gone insane from all of the pressures of trying to be perfect. The anxiety I had intensified in the fifth year, and I had become severely depressed. Not that anyone knew or noticed. I had to be cheerful in order to help Harry. But that deep ache of hopelessness had increased after the Department of Mysteries, and some days I was so upset that I would suddenly break out into sobs. I didn't know what that spell was that was cast on me, but my depression had intensified greatly after that. As I thought about that night, I felt a sudden onslaught of that depression. Reaching for the small bottle on my dresser, I popped a couple of sleeping pills in my mouth, knowing that even if they didn't cause me fall to sleep, the pills would numb my senses.
As I was lying on my bed, I thought about how I always tried to be perfect. It really was hard to live up to the expectations put on me, and I even considered purposely failing my classes. I could even see the expressions on my teachers faces when they handed back my paper with a big zero on it. No more Miss Perfect. It was about then that the pills kicked in, and my mind started to wander. I had been thinking about being perfect, and soon the topic in my head evolved into something entirely different; I began to wonder about how to make the perfect bread pudding. Rather idiotic, but it did pass the time. I was so engrossed on the topic that I didn't notice it when the first light of dawn filtered in through my window. I was in a fuzzy sort of stupor, and only came to my senses when a bird flitted into my room, landed on my windowsill, and started to chirp. I watched with amusement as I saw Crookshanks creep up on the little bird, and shook my head as the cat pounced on it. Poor little bird never have a chance. I glanced at my clock, and saw that it was five-thirty. It was the perfect time to get up. I swung my legs around, and placed them on the floor. I picked up the little calendar that my dad had gotten me, the one with the inspirational messages for each day. Out of habit, I flipped to Wednesday, July thirty-first, and read the message.
"Friends never have to ask if anything is wrong. They already know just by seeing you."
Unknown
"Funny," I snorted, "that must mean that none of them see me."
~*~*~
After pulling on an old housecoat, and grabbing a cup of tea, I went out the back door into the garden. Stumbling slightly as Crookshanks rubbed against legs, I went into a little grove of trees in the yard that I had claimed as my own when I was five years old. Sitting on the bench that had been placed there, I was content to just sit and listen to the birds chirp. Through a gap in the trees, the sunrise was visible, and that feeling of not going back to Hogwarts became even more intense. I would have been content to just sit in that grove of trees for the rest of my life. I was almost tempted to stay there on that bench, refusing to move. I even tensed myself up when I saw my mother come out, preparing myself to cling to that bench, but when she called out to me, I stood up, and walked over to her.
"Morning honey. How did you sleep?" she asked. I looked up at her when I reached. I loved to see my mother's face in the morning because she always had a smile for me. My mother was a very lovely woman, and even more so in the morning, with her long blond hair wild and crazy around her beautiful face. I always wished that I would grow up to look like her, but, like every wish I had, it was not going to happen. Mum was tall and slender, her body proportionately matched, with golden blond hair that fell down the small of her back. She was very tall with legs for miles, and a curvy body that would make any clothing look good on her. In comparison to her, I was rather short and scrawny, standing only around five feet four inches, with bushy brown hair and small breasts. It was hard to believe that I was her daughter at times.
I suppose I idolized my mother like all girls do, but my mother really was an exceptional woman. I didn't just want to look like her; I wanted to be like her. Mother had a personality that just drew people to her, like a moth to a flame, and always brought smiles to peoples faces. I had a hard time just getting to know someone. She could crack jokes that even the unpleasant of people would laugh at. She so good at it that I didn't doubt that she could make even Snape laugh. I wanted to be like her more than anything.
"I slept ok," I lied. Mum had a way of becoming too motherly if I told her about any of my sleeping problems.
"That'd good to hear. So, are you ready for our girls' day out today? I have the reservations at the spa in order, so I thought we might get a head start. I'm glad that you're up so early, we can leave in about an hour. Let's get dressed, grab something to eat, and head on out," she said excitedly. I grinned happily. Ever since I had turned ten, Mother and I went to the spa at Turnberry in Ayrshire in the summer, making it a mother daughter trip. It was always enjoyable, and I had been looking forward to it. A little bit of relaxation was just what I needed.
We started to head up to the house, walking in comfortable silence. We were just about to enter the house when Mum suddenly said to me, "Maybe we should go to the hair salon to get our hair styled. My hair is getting awfully long, and your hair has been the same way since you were five. And maybe we'll go to a makeup specialist to have you look at makeup and get your colouring. And then get some new clothing for the both of us. Hell, we can even rent a suite in some fancy hotel and stay there until Sunday! Wouldn't it be fun to get away for a few days, to just indulge in ourselves without your dad?" I started as she said this; the excitement in her voice unfamiliar to me.
"Of course it would be fun, but do we have enough money for something like that?" I asked cautiously keeping my excitement at the prospect down to a minimum.
"We do. Business has done really well down at the Dentistry. We've had several root canals, which is bad for the people, but good for us. We've been saving up," she answered, her tone of voice normal again.
"Well then, why don't we do it? A totally unplanned trip, just winging it! I think that is just what we need to do!" I exclaimed, my excitement rising.
"Just don't tell your father yet!" she called as I charged up the stairs to change. I quickly got dressed, and then packed some summer clothes and my bathing suit in a duffel bag. I had everything packed quickly, and only slowed down after I had everything stuffed into the trunk of Mums new car. Mum laughed at my exuberance, and told me that we were going to leave in an hour. I went up to my room, to excited for breakfast, and bounced onto the bed. I was so happy to be able to get out of the house for a trip. So excited that I even forgot about the previous nights bout of depressing thoughts. Finally the hour passed, and Mother and I set off for a much needed vacation.
~*~*~
"That Lisa is a damned good masseuse," Mum muttered as she fell onto the soft sofa in our suite.
"She is. And that scalp massage was wonderful," I replied lazily as I flung myself on one of the armchairs. I felt so relaxed.
"I really love your hair now. I'm glad you decided to do more that have it trimmed. It suits you with it above the shoulders. Without all of that hair in the way you can see you facial features more. You look so much like Leonora did when she was your age," she said.
"Aunt 'Nora? I don't look anything like her! She's much prettier," I said back, my face scrunched up in confusion.
"You're pretty too Hermione. You just always hide behind a book, so no one ever sees you. If you don't mind, I think I'll take a nap before we go for dinner. Wake me in a few hours," she yawned as she walked into her room. She closed the door, but I continued to stare at it. I noticed that the wood had a strange pattern in the grain. She actually thought that I was pretty. Of course, her being my mother automatically made her think that I was, but it was the first time anyone had ever told me.
I went into the bathroom and looked into the mirror. It was true, what she said about my face. Without so much hair in the way, you could actually see my facial features. I didn't know what they did to my hair, but it was much more relaxed, and smoother, and was just above my shoulder. They had highlighted my hair with a more brownish blond colour, making it shine. My hair did seem to fit me better, but I still didn't think that I was pretty.
I sighed deeply, now convinced that my mother was either blind or completely bonkers. I stared at myself for a few moments when I decided to go to the beach. I changed out of my summer dress into a pair of slacks and a loose t-shirt, left a note for my mother, and headed downstairs. I walked up the boulevard to the shoreline, making a mental note to stop by some of the shops I saw for some gifts for Harry and Ron.
I was thinking about what I would get them when I realized with a shock that it was Harry's birthday. Oh, I hope he doesn't mind a late present, I thought to myself. Sorry Harry, but I don't have any money.
Shaking my head with regret, wondering how I could have forgotten, I continued on my way to the beach. When I reached the sand, I took off my flip-flops, and started to walk to the waters edge. The feel of the sand between my toes was wonderful, and I was able to forget my guilt over forgetting about Harry. I always loved going to the beach, and seeing the ocean was breathtaking as usual. The water seemed like it would go on forever.
From the first time I saw the ocean, I fell in love with it. I would fantasize about having a small house by the beach, and how my life would be. Sometimes at night, I could even smell the salty tang of the ocean breeze. When you glanced into the ocean it was as if you were looking into eternity, as if the water never ended.
When I became older, I began to fantasize darker dreams. Life would become so hard, due to my obsession with being perfect, and trying to due everything. It was a sickness of mine, this obsession of mine. It never left me, never eased up. In the end I wished that I wasn't myself. Sometimes I just wanted it all to go away. I wanted it so much, that I would think back to the ocean, think back to eternity. I would dream about the day when I would swim out in the ocean, swim out into eternity, and never return. I would leave behind all of my pain, and leave my nightmares behind. It was a fantasy so wonderful that sometimes I would even get caught up in it. For in eternity, there was no pain, there were no nightmares. There was only myself. There was nothing.
More than anything else, I craved for nothingness.