Surfacing
By Adia
(Chapter Five)
"Out of Order"
Grace turned the key in the ignition backward and shut off the engine. Sitting outside the bookstore she slouched in the driver's seat of her car and bit her lip nervously, asking herself as she had a million times that morning, "What am I doing here?" She had tried to force herself to not worry about the possibility of meeting him again until the moment arrived but she had failed. August was offering a signing of his novel at her favorite bookstore in Melbourne from nine to noon, it was nine forty and she was sure that inside the brick façade building sat the one man she could not forget. She glanced down at the flyer in her lap, his next signing wouldn't be until the day after tomorrow and the possibility existed that he might be able to spend some of his free time with her. It made her stomach jump.
Grace knew that he was here, she could feel him, she knew how it felt when he was close, within reach. He was one she didn't have cause or even want, to deny. For him the answer would always be yes and it still hadn't changed. She just worried that his answer would be no and she knew she didn't handle no well with August. All his no's before had been under-toned with yes. What caused her concern now was the thought that no would no longer be a yes in disguise.
She tried to convince herself that she was merely there to attend a book signing of an old friend. She didn't want to set herself up for disappointment in hoping to reconnect with August especially when she didn't even know what his life was like now. She had managed to keep herself from sleep for several hours last night imagining all the changes he might have gone through over the years. She could still freshly remember the cutting feeling of rejection that over took her that afternoon in their classroom after he had been interrogated. She could hardly live with herself that afternoon when he had told her to stay away, that alone was the worst punishment she could ever imagine, and she still could not bear the thought of him saying that to her again. For all the words of his novel that reflected her like a mirror she knew she should feel far more confident, but her doubts nagged, following her everywhere.
In a rush of courage she pushed aside her reservations. Taking a deep breath she reached for the door handle, her hand hovered over it but she hesitated. One thought took her over and crumbled her courage, what if putting all of his residual emotions onto paper had simply absorbed them and they were no more? She glanced at the clock on her radio then to the building and thought better of going inside. Pulling her hesitant hand away from the door handle she deciding to give herself a bit more time. Maybe then she would be more courageous, maybe more comfortable. It would be like stepping into a pool of cool water, one foot at a time, in stages, warming up as she went, adjusting to the newness.
Often Grace found this careful way of approaching a situation to be the best for her. She was reminded of a time with August when she had been nervous like this only more excited, anticipating what the evening held. After her last conversation with him in the car when his eyes had betrayed his words and she was left with a floating feeling of promise. She had held onto that feeling and it was what had gotten her through all the hectic planning of the Gay/Straight Alliance Dance. She could still feel the Spring-like weather as it fluttered around her the late afternoon that she met August and several other members of the GSA dance committee to decorate for the evening. She remembered meeting August at the door of the gym as he unlocked it, they exchanged smiles as greeting. Often times when others were around, such as it was then, Grace preferred a look from him rather than words, it always seemed to say so much more. Seeing him like this with others around always made her self-conscious but somehow he could always ease her and she would nearly forget that there was anyone else around. Perhaps that was all she needed now.
Leaning her head back against the head rest she closed her eyes. Under her eyelids danced the memory of that night and of August offering to help her unload the heavy refreshment boxes from her car as the rest of the committee took to hanging up streamers and a lighted disco ball. He had reached the exit door to the parking lot first and held it three-quarters of the way open for her by standing against it at the jam. She slipped through, leisurely aware of how close their bodies were, and casually brushed against him on her way out. Both pretended not to notice but a feeling of calm reassurance fell over Grace as she walked beside him to her car feeling her secret safe with him, acknowledged and returned in subtle hidden ways as such.
Once they reached the car Grace pulled out two large boxes full of refreshments. August offered to carry the one in her arms and as she handed it over to him his fingers trailed along her hand and for a moment he left his hands to settle on hers. Grace could feel butterflies fluttering through her knowing that his gesture was no accident, she smiled, "Thanks." He met her eyes and waited a moment before whispering, "You're welcome." She could read the expression on his face that seemed to reflect two separate things; their intense attraction to one another and the agonizing knowledge that they shouldn't be doing this. The former being far too difficult to ignore any longer. As another car pulled into the lot a quick glimpse of slight frustration at the interruption flashed across his face as he smoothly claimed the box from her arms. It was as though their glass-bubble-world had just been fractured by the stranger in the blue Jetta.
Inside the gym Grace busied herself with mixing the punch. She brought out a large glass punch bowl and August followed closely behind her with a jug of thick red syrup in one hand and a bottle of 7up in the other. Pouring in the punch August stirred the mixture as she added in the 7up. When she finished August ladled a sample of the carbonated fruit concoction into a clear plastic cup and handing it to her, "Here, how's that?"
Stepping toward him Grace took the cup and put it to her lips. As she began to drink she could feel August's free hand brush past her waist as he reached out to catch the handle of the metal ladle before it fell into the punch bowl. The surprise of it caused her to hastily tilt the cup and she could feel some of the punch roll onto her upper lip. As she pulled the cup away from her mouth she smiled nervously and before having a chance to wipe her lips she blurted out, "It's perfect!"
August raised his free hand and moved in toward her whispering, "Oops, you've got a little on your lip."
Grace's eyes grew in surprise as she stammered out, "Oh." She reached up to wipe her mouth herself but hesitated when she noticed August lifting his own hand. She saw his eyes glance momentarily toward the opposite end of the gymnasium and felt immediately self-conscious. He had never seemed uncomfortable touching her in public, on the shoulders, her arms, her back and sometimes her hands but he had never touched her lips. And that was entirely different, the gesture could be so easily misconstrued. Yet seeing August's concern over other's seeing them simply confirmed that the feeling she was receiving from him was real and not imagined. He would not care who saw him touch her if it didn't mean anything to him.
He dabbed gently with his thumb, removing any trace of red punch from the peak of her upper lip while resting the backs of his fingers on her cheek. Carefully he let the tip of his thumb slide down the soft slope of her lip to the corner where he lingered for an instant and she could hear his breath falling softly as he murmured, "There." He pulled his hand away before Grace had a chance to meet his eyes, as they had been fixed on her lips, and before either of them were able to fully register what they were feeling.
Grace noticed she was still holding the plastic cup and to cover the awkwardness of their forced separation, handed it to August saying, "I think it's pretty good, what do you think?"
August took the cup from her swiftly and took a sip. A crazy thought passed through her mind just then as he tilted the cup and she chided herself for thinking like a lovesick thirteen year old. When she noticed that August had taken a drink from the same spot where her glossed lips had left an imprint she couldn't help but think, the nearly desperate thought, that finally on some level their lips had touched. She hadn't fully realized until then how badly she had been wanting to kiss him since that afternoon in his car. For the most part, it was all she could think about and all she wanted to think about.
Echoing her first judgment of the drink and pronouncing it, "Perfect," August set the cup down on the table and surveyed the gym. After glancing at his wristwatch he turned back to Grace, "Well, it looks like we're just about ready to start."
Grace nodded in agreement, "Yeah."
Within a half an hour the gym was almost a quarter of the way filled with students, which was more than they had first expected considering most students coming to the dance would be those with vested interest in the Gay/Straight Alliance and more than likely not classically heterosexual. In fact, though the purpose of the club was to promote tolerance between heterosexuals and homosexuals, this dance itself was designed more to provide an environment where homosexual and bisexual students felt free to be with whomever they chose without being judged, just as Grace had said at their first meeting. Although when she had first said it she had intended it mostly to impress August, but now, looking out at all the happy people dancing, she really believed it.
Even when the occasional slow song rolled around Grace found herself as a wallflower for lack of straight males but she didn't mind at all. There was really only one person she cared to dance with. Still, there were a couple of times she found herself dancing with one of her gay friends, as his partner had urged her while he went to get something to drink. She knew for the most part that they had been taking pity upon her for being the lone straight girl there but she was having so much fun she hardly noticed and the lack of pressure to impress anyone was incredibly freeing. Even though the theme of the dance did not necessarily apply to her, she wasn't able to openly be with the one she loved and not be judged, she managed to push aside her resentment and enjoy at least being able to spend some time with him no matter how difficult it was to keep her distance.
Grace resigned herself to dancing in a circle with her school friends and watching him from across the room as he stood in the corner near the refreshment table or over by the DJ's booth, holding a cup of punch in one hand, teetering back and fourth on the balls of his feet and snapping his fingers off-beat to the current music. He kept himself busy during the slow songs by chatting it up with Ms. Trent and her long-term girlfriend who had been invited to the dance as chaperones. On the occasional slow song when the couple would take to the dance floor, August would busy himself cleaning up around the refreshment table, monitoring the decorations or even sometimes "hiding" in the kitchen. If it hadn't been for Ms. Trent requesting Prince's Raspberry Beret be played Grace would not have even seen him move. She had to admit it was quite the groovy song and enjoyed him joining the group to dance. She assumed his sudden need to cut a rug arose from this being the only song played that evening the he recognized. She smiled at him from across the circle and he retuned a clumsy smile as Prince's voice rang out, "I think I love her." She could only imagine how he must have been when he was in high school. It was probably around the time this song was at the height of its popularity. His awkwardness had only endeared him to her further knowing that loud dances were not exactly his style, traditionally they weren't hers either, but she had made an exception tonight.
By the end of the evening August began to relax a bit and had inched his way around the gymnasium to where Grace and the circle of students stood dancing. As the clock ticked closer to midnight the DJ announced that these last two slow songs would be the final songs of the evening and to enjoy them. Grace stepped back as she watched all of her friends couple up and begin dancing. She found herself standing along the wall again only this time August was within shouting distance. At first pretending not to have noticed him she finally turned to him and fighting the desperate want of him to ask her to dance, knowing very well that he couldn't, she made small talk, "Looks like everyone's having a good time!"
Shouting to be heard over the music he turned to her enthusiastically, "Yes! I think it's been a success!"
Grace took a small step forward and he followed suit until they no longer had to shout as loudly to converse, "It's so great that everyone was able to have a good time with the people they wanted to be with." She looked away from his eyes, "Well, most everyone." She paused for an awkward moment before shouting a bit too loudly, "It's really… wonderful!"
For a split second the pained look that had flashed across her face registered with him and he dropped his eyes to his shoes and nodded in agreement. August moved a bit closer and picking up on that Grace's heart leapt, thinking that he had finally decided to ask her to dance but instead he motioned toward the refreshment table and said, "Well, you want to come help me get a head start on the clean-up?"
Masking her incredible sinking disappointment Grace faked a smile and followed him across the gymnasium as the speakers belted out the final notes of Norah Jones' Come Away With Me. Grace stacked a pile of paper plates and plastic cups in her arms and carried them into the kitchen with August holding the nearly empty punch bowl right behind her as the beginning notes of Sting's Fields of Gold rang through the room slightly muffled by the kitchen door as it swung closed. After putting the cups back into their plastic bag while August set the bowl on the counter, Grace turned to find him standing in the near dark, looking somehow vulnerable. With his hands stretched out to her he whispered, "Dance with me."
Mystified Grace reached out and took his left hand with her right carefully as he swept down and encircled her waist with his other arm. She rested her arm on his shoulder with her fingertips brushing the hair that fell across the back of his neck. Pulling her close she smiled up at him, "I really think this dance was a success."
August pressed his hand softly to her back and they began to move, "I couldn't have done it without you." Looking into her eyes, Grace admired the way he reserved just the right moment to make that intense connection with her. Sometimes it felt as though he saw something locked inside of her that no one else did, that no one took the time or looked hard enough to see. There wasn't any one thing she could say that he did that made her love him, he hadn't made her do anything, she simply loved him for who he was. His insight, his ability to really see her was something unexpected that had come as an adored addition to the long list of qualities she admired in him as a human being.
At first Grace was caught off guard having only danced with sixteen year old boys, she had never been led before but it was so easy with August as he pulled her into every step and guided her direction. She enjoyed the closeness that dancing afforded them. Being with August made her feel secure in a way that made her not care to think of anything else but enjoying the moment. He was captivating as they began to sway to the sound of Sting's restful voice sifting through the air, "Will you stay with me? Will you be my love, among the fields of barley?"
Grace closed her eyes, letting herself go as she swayed further into his arms and their bodies touched. She didn't care anymore if it was wrong, who was to say what was wrong and what was right? If she loved him, what else could matter more, and if he loved her back then nothing else mattered at all. Feeling herself relax into the security of his arms she kept her eyes closed and inhaled the soft scent of aftershave on his neck. She lifted her eyes to meet his for a moment whispering the excuse, "I'm a little tired… you don't mind, do you?" August didn't have to answer, he just smiled knowing it was an excuse.
Grace rested her head on his shoulder facing his neck and closed her eyes again trying to take in as much of this as she could, storing it in her memory. Before long she felt the soft weight of his cheek brush against the top of her head, hesitating a moment on strands of her lilac scented hair. She could feel his fingers spreading out on her back and for a while Grace thought that perhaps she had been dreaming all this. She worried any minute now she would wake to find herself standing on the edge of the dance floor alone again. Yet realizing it was all real made her so happy she thought maybe she had fallen into heaven instead.
Moving along in small lazy steps to the beauty of the music she could feel the warmth of his body seeping into her own. He was so inviting and his arms were unexpectedly soft as she found herself wrapped in him. Running her hand tentatively down his back and across his shoulder blade, feeling the strong muscles just under the thin cotton of his shirt made her stomach dance. Pressing her cheek against his collarbone and inhaling the sweet scent of him again she fought the urge to brush her lips across his neck. Feeling his hand sweep further down the slope of her back and rest at the base of her spine she could sense the tremble of his muscles and knew somehow that he must be feeling the same. Suddenly it seemed as though the layers that kept them apart were too constrictive and wanting nothing more than to crawl under his clothes Grace was surprised by the strength of her own emotions. She had never thought she would feel this strongly for someone and find this heaven of being in his arms, somehow unsatisfying. Though she would never trade this for the world she found herself wanting so much more.
The heat of his skin melted through the cotton beneath her hands and suddenly she knew that she couldn't fight her feelings for him, she would have to ask him. As the song started to end the thought ran through her mind of finding an evening when they could be alone and she would confess how she had felt for him all this time and then ask him if he would make love to her. She didn't want to spend another moment feeling incomplete, she loved all of him, she wanted all of him. Above her she could hear his breath falling long and quietly in time with the rise and fall of his chest. She could have sworn she felt his heart pounding just as fast as her own but the feel of his lips softly brushing against her hair as he whispered an inaudible sound, drowned out all reason.
As the last of Fields of Gold rang out August slowed the swaying of their bodies until in the silence they stilled. Slowly releasing her, his hands fell from her like honey drizzling from a spoon and she slid from his arms. Her eyes heavy and clouded she smiled up at him in the faint light and thanked him for the dance. Offering a soft smile August closed his eyes a moment, absently placed a hand over his heart and whispered out, "My pleasure."
Grace felt her knees go weak at the sight of his beautiful eyes a darker, deeper, more alive blue than she had ever seen them before and knew if she didn't say something now she would never find the courage to later. Quietly she began, "You know, I've been thinking about Rashomon on Monday night and I was thinking that maybe Lisa and Russell and I should meet over at your place before the movie so we could all go together. So how about six-thirty?"
August smiled as the noise of laughing students filled the air outside the kitchen, "Sounds great." He hesitated a moment, "So, then… Russell and Lisa are coming?"
"Yeah, they both said they wanted to come." Grace rolled her eyes and with an exaggerated twinge of disappointment in others lack of interest in the movie, said, "Apparently everyone else feels they have better things to do." She knew she hadn't asked anyone but Lisa and Russell and had, in fact, only asked them knowing they would be busy that night but she couldn't let August know that. Grace added, "But I'm really looking forward to it."
As if sharing a secret with her August leaned down, giving her a side long look and whispered, "Me too."
Elation shown on her cheeks as she smiled at August then turned to head out of the kitchen. She could not hide how excited she was about going to see Rashomon with him even though she knew she had been somewhat untruthful. Moving toward the door her voice fell quiet, "Thanks again for the dance… I guess I better get out there and help clean up."
"So should I," He held the door open and the two busied themselves cleaning up. Ms. Trent and her girlfriend stayed around to help clean up with the rest of the committee before locking up the gymnasium and saying goodnight. Pulling out of the parking lot and exchanging a goodbye wave with him from her car, Grace couldn't help but think that indeed the dance had been a success, more than she had ever imagined.
Sitting in her car outside the bookstore in Melbourne, looking back on it now, it seemed insane that she was even afraid of seeing him today. Of course he cared about her and even if he didn't still love her at least seeing him again and getting a chance to talk with him would be incredibly healing. When they had parted there was so much left unsaid. Dozens of things she had wanted to tell him, to ask him, to explain, but knew she couldn't. In time she understood why August had been so hesitant and eventually denied her request to share his bed. At first she had thought that perhaps she had misread him this whole time and that he hadn't wanted to share himself with her but as time went on she began to understand that no matter how much he had wanted to, he couldn't. When imagining how intense her grief would have been had they slept together that night then inevitably been forced apart, Grace found herself actually grateful now that he had denied her even when she had wanted him so badly.
Glancing at the bookstore across the street and knowing August was inside Grace began to wonder why in the world she had even been so afraid. This was an opportunity she had dreamt about for years now and she wasn't about to let it pass her. Deep within herself she knew that her feelings for him hadn't changed one bit. Seeing him today, she knew she could hold no expectation and that she would be somewhat gambling. She was risking the beauty of the past that kept her warm in the cold and at the same time risking the possibility of the future that gave her so much hope. Still, August was worth the risk. He had always been worth the risk. With her hand hovering over the door handle in one quick movement she pressed the door open, stood and headed across the street toward the bookstore. Feeling courage covering over her fears, she stepped through the door.
~o0o~
By Adia
(Chapter Five)
"Out of Order"
Grace turned the key in the ignition backward and shut off the engine. Sitting outside the bookstore she slouched in the driver's seat of her car and bit her lip nervously, asking herself as she had a million times that morning, "What am I doing here?" She had tried to force herself to not worry about the possibility of meeting him again until the moment arrived but she had failed. August was offering a signing of his novel at her favorite bookstore in Melbourne from nine to noon, it was nine forty and she was sure that inside the brick façade building sat the one man she could not forget. She glanced down at the flyer in her lap, his next signing wouldn't be until the day after tomorrow and the possibility existed that he might be able to spend some of his free time with her. It made her stomach jump.
Grace knew that he was here, she could feel him, she knew how it felt when he was close, within reach. He was one she didn't have cause or even want, to deny. For him the answer would always be yes and it still hadn't changed. She just worried that his answer would be no and she knew she didn't handle no well with August. All his no's before had been under-toned with yes. What caused her concern now was the thought that no would no longer be a yes in disguise.
She tried to convince herself that she was merely there to attend a book signing of an old friend. She didn't want to set herself up for disappointment in hoping to reconnect with August especially when she didn't even know what his life was like now. She had managed to keep herself from sleep for several hours last night imagining all the changes he might have gone through over the years. She could still freshly remember the cutting feeling of rejection that over took her that afternoon in their classroom after he had been interrogated. She could hardly live with herself that afternoon when he had told her to stay away, that alone was the worst punishment she could ever imagine, and she still could not bear the thought of him saying that to her again. For all the words of his novel that reflected her like a mirror she knew she should feel far more confident, but her doubts nagged, following her everywhere.
In a rush of courage she pushed aside her reservations. Taking a deep breath she reached for the door handle, her hand hovered over it but she hesitated. One thought took her over and crumbled her courage, what if putting all of his residual emotions onto paper had simply absorbed them and they were no more? She glanced at the clock on her radio then to the building and thought better of going inside. Pulling her hesitant hand away from the door handle she deciding to give herself a bit more time. Maybe then she would be more courageous, maybe more comfortable. It would be like stepping into a pool of cool water, one foot at a time, in stages, warming up as she went, adjusting to the newness.
Often Grace found this careful way of approaching a situation to be the best for her. She was reminded of a time with August when she had been nervous like this only more excited, anticipating what the evening held. After her last conversation with him in the car when his eyes had betrayed his words and she was left with a floating feeling of promise. She had held onto that feeling and it was what had gotten her through all the hectic planning of the Gay/Straight Alliance Dance. She could still feel the Spring-like weather as it fluttered around her the late afternoon that she met August and several other members of the GSA dance committee to decorate for the evening. She remembered meeting August at the door of the gym as he unlocked it, they exchanged smiles as greeting. Often times when others were around, such as it was then, Grace preferred a look from him rather than words, it always seemed to say so much more. Seeing him like this with others around always made her self-conscious but somehow he could always ease her and she would nearly forget that there was anyone else around. Perhaps that was all she needed now.
Leaning her head back against the head rest she closed her eyes. Under her eyelids danced the memory of that night and of August offering to help her unload the heavy refreshment boxes from her car as the rest of the committee took to hanging up streamers and a lighted disco ball. He had reached the exit door to the parking lot first and held it three-quarters of the way open for her by standing against it at the jam. She slipped through, leisurely aware of how close their bodies were, and casually brushed against him on her way out. Both pretended not to notice but a feeling of calm reassurance fell over Grace as she walked beside him to her car feeling her secret safe with him, acknowledged and returned in subtle hidden ways as such.
Once they reached the car Grace pulled out two large boxes full of refreshments. August offered to carry the one in her arms and as she handed it over to him his fingers trailed along her hand and for a moment he left his hands to settle on hers. Grace could feel butterflies fluttering through her knowing that his gesture was no accident, she smiled, "Thanks." He met her eyes and waited a moment before whispering, "You're welcome." She could read the expression on his face that seemed to reflect two separate things; their intense attraction to one another and the agonizing knowledge that they shouldn't be doing this. The former being far too difficult to ignore any longer. As another car pulled into the lot a quick glimpse of slight frustration at the interruption flashed across his face as he smoothly claimed the box from her arms. It was as though their glass-bubble-world had just been fractured by the stranger in the blue Jetta.
Inside the gym Grace busied herself with mixing the punch. She brought out a large glass punch bowl and August followed closely behind her with a jug of thick red syrup in one hand and a bottle of 7up in the other. Pouring in the punch August stirred the mixture as she added in the 7up. When she finished August ladled a sample of the carbonated fruit concoction into a clear plastic cup and handing it to her, "Here, how's that?"
Stepping toward him Grace took the cup and put it to her lips. As she began to drink she could feel August's free hand brush past her waist as he reached out to catch the handle of the metal ladle before it fell into the punch bowl. The surprise of it caused her to hastily tilt the cup and she could feel some of the punch roll onto her upper lip. As she pulled the cup away from her mouth she smiled nervously and before having a chance to wipe her lips she blurted out, "It's perfect!"
August raised his free hand and moved in toward her whispering, "Oops, you've got a little on your lip."
Grace's eyes grew in surprise as she stammered out, "Oh." She reached up to wipe her mouth herself but hesitated when she noticed August lifting his own hand. She saw his eyes glance momentarily toward the opposite end of the gymnasium and felt immediately self-conscious. He had never seemed uncomfortable touching her in public, on the shoulders, her arms, her back and sometimes her hands but he had never touched her lips. And that was entirely different, the gesture could be so easily misconstrued. Yet seeing August's concern over other's seeing them simply confirmed that the feeling she was receiving from him was real and not imagined. He would not care who saw him touch her if it didn't mean anything to him.
He dabbed gently with his thumb, removing any trace of red punch from the peak of her upper lip while resting the backs of his fingers on her cheek. Carefully he let the tip of his thumb slide down the soft slope of her lip to the corner where he lingered for an instant and she could hear his breath falling softly as he murmured, "There." He pulled his hand away before Grace had a chance to meet his eyes, as they had been fixed on her lips, and before either of them were able to fully register what they were feeling.
Grace noticed she was still holding the plastic cup and to cover the awkwardness of their forced separation, handed it to August saying, "I think it's pretty good, what do you think?"
August took the cup from her swiftly and took a sip. A crazy thought passed through her mind just then as he tilted the cup and she chided herself for thinking like a lovesick thirteen year old. When she noticed that August had taken a drink from the same spot where her glossed lips had left an imprint she couldn't help but think, the nearly desperate thought, that finally on some level their lips had touched. She hadn't fully realized until then how badly she had been wanting to kiss him since that afternoon in his car. For the most part, it was all she could think about and all she wanted to think about.
Echoing her first judgment of the drink and pronouncing it, "Perfect," August set the cup down on the table and surveyed the gym. After glancing at his wristwatch he turned back to Grace, "Well, it looks like we're just about ready to start."
Grace nodded in agreement, "Yeah."
Within a half an hour the gym was almost a quarter of the way filled with students, which was more than they had first expected considering most students coming to the dance would be those with vested interest in the Gay/Straight Alliance and more than likely not classically heterosexual. In fact, though the purpose of the club was to promote tolerance between heterosexuals and homosexuals, this dance itself was designed more to provide an environment where homosexual and bisexual students felt free to be with whomever they chose without being judged, just as Grace had said at their first meeting. Although when she had first said it she had intended it mostly to impress August, but now, looking out at all the happy people dancing, she really believed it.
Even when the occasional slow song rolled around Grace found herself as a wallflower for lack of straight males but she didn't mind at all. There was really only one person she cared to dance with. Still, there were a couple of times she found herself dancing with one of her gay friends, as his partner had urged her while he went to get something to drink. She knew for the most part that they had been taking pity upon her for being the lone straight girl there but she was having so much fun she hardly noticed and the lack of pressure to impress anyone was incredibly freeing. Even though the theme of the dance did not necessarily apply to her, she wasn't able to openly be with the one she loved and not be judged, she managed to push aside her resentment and enjoy at least being able to spend some time with him no matter how difficult it was to keep her distance.
Grace resigned herself to dancing in a circle with her school friends and watching him from across the room as he stood in the corner near the refreshment table or over by the DJ's booth, holding a cup of punch in one hand, teetering back and fourth on the balls of his feet and snapping his fingers off-beat to the current music. He kept himself busy during the slow songs by chatting it up with Ms. Trent and her long-term girlfriend who had been invited to the dance as chaperones. On the occasional slow song when the couple would take to the dance floor, August would busy himself cleaning up around the refreshment table, monitoring the decorations or even sometimes "hiding" in the kitchen. If it hadn't been for Ms. Trent requesting Prince's Raspberry Beret be played Grace would not have even seen him move. She had to admit it was quite the groovy song and enjoyed him joining the group to dance. She assumed his sudden need to cut a rug arose from this being the only song played that evening the he recognized. She smiled at him from across the circle and he retuned a clumsy smile as Prince's voice rang out, "I think I love her." She could only imagine how he must have been when he was in high school. It was probably around the time this song was at the height of its popularity. His awkwardness had only endeared him to her further knowing that loud dances were not exactly his style, traditionally they weren't hers either, but she had made an exception tonight.
By the end of the evening August began to relax a bit and had inched his way around the gymnasium to where Grace and the circle of students stood dancing. As the clock ticked closer to midnight the DJ announced that these last two slow songs would be the final songs of the evening and to enjoy them. Grace stepped back as she watched all of her friends couple up and begin dancing. She found herself standing along the wall again only this time August was within shouting distance. At first pretending not to have noticed him she finally turned to him and fighting the desperate want of him to ask her to dance, knowing very well that he couldn't, she made small talk, "Looks like everyone's having a good time!"
Shouting to be heard over the music he turned to her enthusiastically, "Yes! I think it's been a success!"
Grace took a small step forward and he followed suit until they no longer had to shout as loudly to converse, "It's so great that everyone was able to have a good time with the people they wanted to be with." She looked away from his eyes, "Well, most everyone." She paused for an awkward moment before shouting a bit too loudly, "It's really… wonderful!"
For a split second the pained look that had flashed across her face registered with him and he dropped his eyes to his shoes and nodded in agreement. August moved a bit closer and picking up on that Grace's heart leapt, thinking that he had finally decided to ask her to dance but instead he motioned toward the refreshment table and said, "Well, you want to come help me get a head start on the clean-up?"
Masking her incredible sinking disappointment Grace faked a smile and followed him across the gymnasium as the speakers belted out the final notes of Norah Jones' Come Away With Me. Grace stacked a pile of paper plates and plastic cups in her arms and carried them into the kitchen with August holding the nearly empty punch bowl right behind her as the beginning notes of Sting's Fields of Gold rang through the room slightly muffled by the kitchen door as it swung closed. After putting the cups back into their plastic bag while August set the bowl on the counter, Grace turned to find him standing in the near dark, looking somehow vulnerable. With his hands stretched out to her he whispered, "Dance with me."
Mystified Grace reached out and took his left hand with her right carefully as he swept down and encircled her waist with his other arm. She rested her arm on his shoulder with her fingertips brushing the hair that fell across the back of his neck. Pulling her close she smiled up at him, "I really think this dance was a success."
August pressed his hand softly to her back and they began to move, "I couldn't have done it without you." Looking into her eyes, Grace admired the way he reserved just the right moment to make that intense connection with her. Sometimes it felt as though he saw something locked inside of her that no one else did, that no one took the time or looked hard enough to see. There wasn't any one thing she could say that he did that made her love him, he hadn't made her do anything, she simply loved him for who he was. His insight, his ability to really see her was something unexpected that had come as an adored addition to the long list of qualities she admired in him as a human being.
At first Grace was caught off guard having only danced with sixteen year old boys, she had never been led before but it was so easy with August as he pulled her into every step and guided her direction. She enjoyed the closeness that dancing afforded them. Being with August made her feel secure in a way that made her not care to think of anything else but enjoying the moment. He was captivating as they began to sway to the sound of Sting's restful voice sifting through the air, "Will you stay with me? Will you be my love, among the fields of barley?"
Grace closed her eyes, letting herself go as she swayed further into his arms and their bodies touched. She didn't care anymore if it was wrong, who was to say what was wrong and what was right? If she loved him, what else could matter more, and if he loved her back then nothing else mattered at all. Feeling herself relax into the security of his arms she kept her eyes closed and inhaled the soft scent of aftershave on his neck. She lifted her eyes to meet his for a moment whispering the excuse, "I'm a little tired… you don't mind, do you?" August didn't have to answer, he just smiled knowing it was an excuse.
Grace rested her head on his shoulder facing his neck and closed her eyes again trying to take in as much of this as she could, storing it in her memory. Before long she felt the soft weight of his cheek brush against the top of her head, hesitating a moment on strands of her lilac scented hair. She could feel his fingers spreading out on her back and for a while Grace thought that perhaps she had been dreaming all this. She worried any minute now she would wake to find herself standing on the edge of the dance floor alone again. Yet realizing it was all real made her so happy she thought maybe she had fallen into heaven instead.
Moving along in small lazy steps to the beauty of the music she could feel the warmth of his body seeping into her own. He was so inviting and his arms were unexpectedly soft as she found herself wrapped in him. Running her hand tentatively down his back and across his shoulder blade, feeling the strong muscles just under the thin cotton of his shirt made her stomach dance. Pressing her cheek against his collarbone and inhaling the sweet scent of him again she fought the urge to brush her lips across his neck. Feeling his hand sweep further down the slope of her back and rest at the base of her spine she could sense the tremble of his muscles and knew somehow that he must be feeling the same. Suddenly it seemed as though the layers that kept them apart were too constrictive and wanting nothing more than to crawl under his clothes Grace was surprised by the strength of her own emotions. She had never thought she would feel this strongly for someone and find this heaven of being in his arms, somehow unsatisfying. Though she would never trade this for the world she found herself wanting so much more.
The heat of his skin melted through the cotton beneath her hands and suddenly she knew that she couldn't fight her feelings for him, she would have to ask him. As the song started to end the thought ran through her mind of finding an evening when they could be alone and she would confess how she had felt for him all this time and then ask him if he would make love to her. She didn't want to spend another moment feeling incomplete, she loved all of him, she wanted all of him. Above her she could hear his breath falling long and quietly in time with the rise and fall of his chest. She could have sworn she felt his heart pounding just as fast as her own but the feel of his lips softly brushing against her hair as he whispered an inaudible sound, drowned out all reason.
As the last of Fields of Gold rang out August slowed the swaying of their bodies until in the silence they stilled. Slowly releasing her, his hands fell from her like honey drizzling from a spoon and she slid from his arms. Her eyes heavy and clouded she smiled up at him in the faint light and thanked him for the dance. Offering a soft smile August closed his eyes a moment, absently placed a hand over his heart and whispered out, "My pleasure."
Grace felt her knees go weak at the sight of his beautiful eyes a darker, deeper, more alive blue than she had ever seen them before and knew if she didn't say something now she would never find the courage to later. Quietly she began, "You know, I've been thinking about Rashomon on Monday night and I was thinking that maybe Lisa and Russell and I should meet over at your place before the movie so we could all go together. So how about six-thirty?"
August smiled as the noise of laughing students filled the air outside the kitchen, "Sounds great." He hesitated a moment, "So, then… Russell and Lisa are coming?"
"Yeah, they both said they wanted to come." Grace rolled her eyes and with an exaggerated twinge of disappointment in others lack of interest in the movie, said, "Apparently everyone else feels they have better things to do." She knew she hadn't asked anyone but Lisa and Russell and had, in fact, only asked them knowing they would be busy that night but she couldn't let August know that. Grace added, "But I'm really looking forward to it."
As if sharing a secret with her August leaned down, giving her a side long look and whispered, "Me too."
Elation shown on her cheeks as she smiled at August then turned to head out of the kitchen. She could not hide how excited she was about going to see Rashomon with him even though she knew she had been somewhat untruthful. Moving toward the door her voice fell quiet, "Thanks again for the dance… I guess I better get out there and help clean up."
"So should I," He held the door open and the two busied themselves cleaning up. Ms. Trent and her girlfriend stayed around to help clean up with the rest of the committee before locking up the gymnasium and saying goodnight. Pulling out of the parking lot and exchanging a goodbye wave with him from her car, Grace couldn't help but think that indeed the dance had been a success, more than she had ever imagined.
Sitting in her car outside the bookstore in Melbourne, looking back on it now, it seemed insane that she was even afraid of seeing him today. Of course he cared about her and even if he didn't still love her at least seeing him again and getting a chance to talk with him would be incredibly healing. When they had parted there was so much left unsaid. Dozens of things she had wanted to tell him, to ask him, to explain, but knew she couldn't. In time she understood why August had been so hesitant and eventually denied her request to share his bed. At first she had thought that perhaps she had misread him this whole time and that he hadn't wanted to share himself with her but as time went on she began to understand that no matter how much he had wanted to, he couldn't. When imagining how intense her grief would have been had they slept together that night then inevitably been forced apart, Grace found herself actually grateful now that he had denied her even when she had wanted him so badly.
Glancing at the bookstore across the street and knowing August was inside Grace began to wonder why in the world she had even been so afraid. This was an opportunity she had dreamt about for years now and she wasn't about to let it pass her. Deep within herself she knew that her feelings for him hadn't changed one bit. Seeing him today, she knew she could hold no expectation and that she would be somewhat gambling. She was risking the beauty of the past that kept her warm in the cold and at the same time risking the possibility of the future that gave her so much hope. Still, August was worth the risk. He had always been worth the risk. With her hand hovering over the door handle in one quick movement she pressed the door open, stood and headed across the street toward the bookstore. Feeling courage covering over her fears, she stepped through the door.
~o0o~