Thanks to everyone who left feedback for their wonderful comments and encouragement! It means a lot to me. A Special Thank You goes out to Aussie GD fan for so graciously being my Melbourne "native consultant" and for all the time and effort she spends helping me make sure the setting of this story is accurate (right down to the bookstore and its owner) and for all her wonderful encouragement! Special thanks also to G/D fan for her ongoing support.
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Surfacing
By Adia
(Chapter Six)
"Happy Hour"
Climbing out of the shower August wrapped a towel around his waist and ran his fingers through his wet hair. The light filtering through the windows of his hotel room only served as a reminder of how tired and jetlagged he felt from the long flight in from New York. He had hardly gotten any sleep on the flight knowing that his first stop would be the same city where Grace lived. The possibilities that existed could not keep themselves from providing August with a much-needed distraction. Not being a terribly big fan of flying he was more than happy to surrender to any of the daydreams falling through his mind.
While lathering his face to shave, August didn't stop himself from imagining what he would say to Grace if he saw her today. Every line of dialogue that came to him seemed incredibly inadequate so he decided on starting with hello and seeing where it goes from there, if in fact he sees her today. Glancing at the clock he lightly splashed on aftershave and began to dress. The Australian representative of the publisher would be there to pick him up and escort him to the bookstore, Reader's Feast, in twenty minutes.
Adjusting the yellow tie around his neck, August leaned back against the chair in the hotel lobby and waited. He ran his fingers over the silk of his tie remembering the significance of it, which is why he wore it just for this signing. He had been wearing this tie the night that he and Grace had gone to see Rashomon. He smiled reliving that time in his life.
He remembered coming home the night after the Gay/Straight Alliance dance and hardly being able to contain how amazing he felt, it bordered on euphoric and it simultaneously terrified him. It had been years since he had felt this way about anyone in fact when he thought about it he realized that he couldn't remember ever feeling this way.
Lying in bed that night he couldn't get a line from Chekhov out of his mind, it was the only thing that captured how he was feeling. Turning on the lamp on his desk and searching through the book case in his bedroom he came to find the book he had been looking for. Beaten up and antique looking August had owned the collection since he had started college at seventeen. This collection of stories was unlike any other, as he turned the pages each story brought with it memories of how it felt to finally come alive in life, to discover that writing was a passion worth pursuing with all your heart and to find yourself so bursting with energy, feeling capable of anything. It was a beautiful time in life. August couldn't help but notice the similarity between how he felt then and how he felt this evening. He thought of Grace.
He could see it in her, he was watching her come alive and it was amazing. It was wonderful just to be around her and to see her eyes light up when he spoke of great literature. She was incredibly talented and she inspired him in so many ways. In fact, because of Grace he had started to seriously contemplate writing again. Flipping the pages to the beginning of the book and staring at the title of the collection he thought of how hungry he had been then for knowledge and poetry and how exciting it had been to discover life. He could see that in Grace's eyes.
Her eyes were hauntingly beautiful and held so many emotions: happiness, sadness, frustration, enthusiasm, brilliance, surprise, lust, love and everything in between. He flashed on the first time he had met her, she was striking. She had undeniably the loneliest eyes he had ever seen and it genuinely touched his heart. Running his fingers across the cracked binding of the collection sitting on his desk, he thought of how perfect this would be for Grace.
Pulling a pen from the drawer he pressed the inked point to the opening page of the collection and without thinking scrawled what came pouring out of his heart, "To the girl with the loneliest eyes." Then without hesitating he signed, "Love always, August" onto the page. Pulling back from the book and gazing down at it he could hardly believe what he had just written. It was true. Staring at his own declaration on paper he did not regret the permanence of ink. He meant every word. Closing the hard cover on the book his fingers lingered along the edge of the pages a moment before he switched the lamp off and went to sleep.
Lying in bed he thought of how terrified he had been to admit to himself how he felt for her. Even before the play he knew he had feelings for her and he had been running from them from the moment she stepped into his classroom. He saw so much potential in her, that's why he pushed her to be brave in her writing. Still it wasn't until the night of their final performance that he finally accepted why he had been so hard on her. A rush of relief flooded over him when he saw her walk through that door. The loveliest thing he had ever seen was her beautiful face that night with her rain drenched skin. He had been terrified that she would never speak to him again and he couldn't hardly blame her after his behavior. He felt like such a hypocrite. He had been hiding out of a fear of his own emotions and their strength when the whole time he had been criticizing her for not letting her guard down. Truth be told he was still scared of his own feelings and even at times in denial of them. For if he admitted that she was the most intelligent, talented, breath-taking thing he had ever seen then he would be admitting how much he cared for her.
Thinking about how dangerous what they were doing was; he realized he was playing with fire and that his behavior wasn't fair to either of them. Not fair to Grace because she deserved someone who wasn't constantly confusing her and who didn't hide his real feelings. She deserved better than that and he deserved to be able to love her without restraint, without hesitation. He remembered how it had ripped his heart out to see tears in her eyes the afternoon in his car after again denying his feelings for the sake of professional integrity.
It was the most primitive form of torture, having everything he'd ever wanted sitting beside him and not being able to hold her because of the professional line that separated them. Rationally, he understood and respected the line and firmly believed in its purpose. That's why his feelings for her had not only surprised him but terrified him as well. That was also why he found himself struggling so hard. Perhaps that was what alarmed him the most, he felt himself crossing that line and he wasn't sure how to handle it. He wanted to honor the laws but he couldn't deny how he felt. All he knew was that he didn't want anyone to be hurt. He knew just how harsh the world could be, especially a world that didn't believe love could exist. He wanted to protect her from that and the only way he felt he could was to push her away but it had nearly killed him. Watching tears well up in her eyes he could feel a sickening sorrow fill his chest. He softened instantly, not wanting to be responsible for those tears in her eyes and wanting to make things right again.
He knew his actions must confuse her but he didn't know how to explain to her the delicate balance he had been trying to keep. The stupidest part of that was that they both felt the same way for one another. He hated keeping it such a secret, it was eating him alive inside. At first he had thought he could hold in how he felt but steadily he began to understand that his love for her was beyond his control. Tonight's dance was proof of that. He had known better but he couldn't resist, especially after seeing the disappointment in her eyes, a reflection of his own. Reliving the feel of her in his arms August fell into slumber as though it were a blanket of down.
The book stayed on his desk until he found himself standing over it on Monday morning. For the remainder of the weekend he had been debating whether to give her the book. Had his first instinct been the wisest or was he just being selfish to tell her he loved her knowing there was nothing they could do? The more he thought of it the more he hated himself for what he was doing. He felt like such a coward but he didn't want to hurt her. What he feared most was that in continuing like this he would only wind up hurting her more in the end than if he stopped now.
Betraying his heart, he took a long hard look at himself and made the toughest decision of all. He fought back the pain that rushed through him as he came to the conclusion that this was it, he would allow himself this day only and then he would stay away from her for good. It would be best for her though he knew it might just kill him. Thinking to himself, "She deserves so much more," he picked up the book, folded it's cover open and stared at his words. He wondered if being honest with her was the right thing to do. He didn't want live a lie any longer. If nothing else, she needed to know that he loved her. He pressed the book into his satchel and set out for the hardest day of his life.
Handing the book to her, he watched as it slipped from his hands into hers as though he were handing over a piece of himself so suddenly. He felt eyes on him that did not belong to either him nor Grace and it made him self-conscious. Still, he was glad he hand given her the book, he knew she would love the stories as much as he did. He had left that evening up to Grace to coordinate and she had, arranging to meet at his place around six-thirty with Lisa and Russell to see Rashomon. The film was an excellent choice as it followed along with their study of point of view in class. On a more personal level, he looked forward to explaining the nuances of the film to Grace and seeing it impact her work, as it had his years ago.
Just before six-thirty Grace walked through the sliding glass door at the back of his house. When she arrived he couldn't help but notice how dressed up she had gotten for the movie, black leather skirt and a form-fitting sweater in his favorite shade of blue. Turning his focus back to wiping his dishes dry he let her roam his kitchen. It didn't come completely unexpected that Lisa and Russell had cancelled, in fact he suspected that maybe Grace hadn't even asked them, but he certainly didn't mind the idea of watching the film with just her. Biting his lip at the thought, he reminded himself that this was the last time he would allow himself to feel this way and that he would have to start pulling back to his side of the line tonight, not knowing then that the toughest challenge was just moments away.
He would never forget how she looked standing there in his kitchen, so open and sweet staring at him with her tentative eyes as she offered herself to him. She was so stunning he felt himself go entirely weak. He wouldn't deny that he wanted her but not like this. He wanted something more than just one night, he wanted to take his time, he wanted to make memories with her that would last. As far as he was concerned Grace was someone he wanted to share his life with and so he wanted the first time he made love to her to be something they both would never forget. He was sure now that she had read the inscription.
He looked away to hide the rush of overwhelming disappointment that fell over him. He knew he usually masked his emotions with anger or frustration but this was just too painfully raw to disguise. He felt so miserable, having to tell her no, that when he parted his lips he found it difficult to speak. He could still picture her walking toward him with her eyes wide saying that she had given this a lot of thought. Later he would wonder just how much thought she had given to the subject but then, when the words left her mouth as an immediate appeal to his unspoken no, he felt his heart implode. Fighting against himself, he struggled to push aside his want and hold to his self-made promise to do what would be best for her. Taking a shallow stinging breath and fighting to stifle a sigh that would further reveal his disappointment, August summed his courage and spoke. The sound of his voice burned against his own ears as he heard himself whisper, "No." Hoping she understood that it wasn't a matter of not wanting to but rather not being able to, he added, "We can't."
Running his hand over his tie, he couldn't force himself to meet her eyes. He knew he was lying to her, just as he would later that week at their parting when he would tell her that he had been using her, he knew that was a lie as well. August understood what she hadn't, that making love to her then would have only put them in greater emotional danger. The bond created by the union of two people sharing themselves was something so beautiful, he wanted to make sure the moment was perfect. He knew that their connection would then be so strong they wouldn't be satisfied only being secret lovers and not be able to fully express their love in all areas of life and that would only cause them both intense anguish and heartache.
Still, it didn't make saying no any easier, on either of them. He wasn't sure what it had been that compelled him to zip her coat in front of his car but he wanted to somehow reassure her in a way his words hadn't. He had been honest when he said he was honored. He could think of nothing more honorable and he felt so fortunate that she had chosen him to share something that beautiful with her. It was obvious that she felt embarrassed but all he saw was the beauty and strength of the most amazing person he'd ever known and he hoped he had made that evident.
Once at the old theater on the other side of town he bought her ticket to the film, though she offered to pay her own way. He lived up to his word and bought her a large popcorn and she held it on her lap as the film began. He slipped one arm around the back of her seat and snagged a handful popcorn with the other. For not being one it certainly felt like a date, especially when in the tightly crammed seats their legs often touched. He chided himself for his misleading behavior but they both knew it was all they could have right now. On the ride home they discussed the movie and he admired the excitement in Grace's voice over the concept behind the film. Thinking it best to say good night outside, he walked her to her car in the drive. Awkwardly saying goodbye Grace smiled and reached out, without thinking, to straighten his tie. Sliding it through her hand she spoke, "I meant to tell you earlier that I really like your tie, it's my favorite." He thanked her and touching her shoulder affectionately, said good night. He watched her climb into her car and drive away. Standing under a sky full of stars on that cool Spring evening, he felt exceptionally content.
Sitting now in the hotel lobby and staring down at "her favorite tie" he thought of how with Grace nothing had turned out as he had expected. Maybe it was crazy but all he could think about was her. At times he had imagined watching her walk through the door of his house in New York. He saw her laying on the sofa in his living room reading a book. He even pictured them cooking dinner together, reading the morning paper, the most common things in life. But often those daydreams were followed by the terrifying notion of discovering that she had met someone new, more interesting, less complicated, fallen deeply in love and forgotten all about him. He imagined a horrifying life of never knowing, never seeing her again. It was that idea that made all the nervousness he felt about seeing her again worth it. Even if she had moved on at least he would know and not be left wondering his life away, though sometimes he wasn't sure which fate would be worse.
The publishing firm had sent out a town car with the representative and they were shuttled to the bookstore. The Australian Rep, Jonathan, was very friendly and spoke with a mild accent. He introduced August to the owner of Reader's Feast, Mary, and let him get settled into the signing desk. Signings usually made him slightly apprehensive and this was no exception. He sat in the chair as the bookstore's friendly and knowledgeable clerks piled copies of his novel on the stand beside his desk. Another clerk set up a large display in the window of the rustic brick building with a poster of the cover of the novel. On the poster was also a smaller inset photo of August and his name in tall blue letters announcing, "Meet the author." He felt a bit overwhelmed as he looked around the store from his seat trying to get a feel for the layout of the room.
Jonathan rounded the corner with a paper cup of coffee from the break room and a hand full of pens for use in signing. August busied himself by signing a few first editions for the store to sell after he left and another copy for Mary as well. Glancing at his watch his stomach jumped seeing that in three minutes the doors would be swinging wide open to his future. He didn't know how he would survive the day if he didn't see her.
The first hour was tortuous until he forced himself to focus on meeting his readers and genuinely being in the moment, he owed them that. Often when a fan would be standing in front of him, sharing how the novel had touched their lives, August would find his eyes darting past them watch the floor for any sign of her. Knowing he wasn't giving them the attention they deserved, he forced himself to push his thoughts of Grace aside before he started going out of his mind.
~o0o~
Grace could hardly believe what she was doing as her legs carried her across the street toward the bookstore as though they weren't even attached to her body. She couldn't even feel the cold metal of the door handle against her skin or hear the chime of the bell above her as she entered the store. She felt numb with fear. Ducking into the first available aisle she pressed her back to the bookshelf and filled her lungs with several deep breaths. Trying to calm herself, she reassured herself that everything would turn out alright even if he didn't want to see her. Glancing up at the window display in front of her she saw a backward reflection of August on a poster and felt herself calm. She suddenly felt stupid for being so worried, after all wasn't this what she had been waiting for over these last years, a second chance? Well, here it was, staring her right in the face and she had better not let it escape her this time. With that realization Grace summed all the courage she had, straightened, took one final deep breath and turned the corner on the aisle.
Not knowing where he was located, Grace slowly walked along the inner wall of the aisles that faced the North side of the bookstore. She felt more comfortable knowing that this way she could get a feel for where he was. She wasn't quite sure she was ready to make her appearance known just yet. Moving toward the back of the store she could hear his voice gently sift through the air as he thanked a customer. Grace was surprised by her reaction to the sound of his voice and how she had missed it all these years. It stopped her in her tracks and she ducked again into another empty aisle. She could hardly believe he was actually here. She closed her eyes and listened to him as he conversed with a fan remembering how soft his voice felt when he had whispered, "Which doesn't mean I won't miss you." A quiet smile spread across her face as she stood there listening to his voice for a bit longer. Other people browsing the aisle must have thought her crazed to be standing there but she couldn't have cared less.
After a long while Grace again set on her way to the back of the bookstore, following the sound of his voice. The bookstore was unusually full this morning and she couldn't help but think how perfect it would be meeting him here in a place she had grown to love. Though he had never set foot in the store until this morning it had always reminded her of him. Slowing as she reached the back of the store she took a deep breath, steadying herself for seeing him for the first time in years.
Nothing she ever felt before could have been comparable to how it felt when she peeked around the corner of the final aisle of the store to see him sitting at the desk scribbling his signature into a book. It seemed as though she were staring at the finest piece of artwork in existence. Watching his movements as he ran a hand through his hair and seeing his smile again. Grace felt awestruck by his presence as though admiring a genuine van Gogh, the beauty of her very own Starry Night. The sight of him took her breath away.
She couldn't help the warm feeling bubbling up inside of her and spreading through her arms and legs. She hadn't realized just how much she missed him. Missing someone is just like being in love, only painful. His absence had only served as a constant reminder of what she had lost and looking at him now she realized she never wanted to lose that again. She debated on whether to step around the corner and get in line at his desk or to wait until the signing was over and see him then. She glanced at her watch, it would only be another hour or so, she figured she could handle staying here and watching him at least that long and then when everyone left she would have him all to herself.
Grace slipped into a fluffy over-stuffed sofa chair that set against the wall and was hidden by the aisle. From her vantage point she could still see August without him seeing her. Hiding behind a copy of his book and sneaking peeks at him, Grace couldn't help but laugh at herself. It all seemed so surreal. It was hard for her to believe that she was here now in the same room with him. She reminded herself that she would have to thank Judy the next time she spoke to her. What in the world had possessed Judy to send her that flyer she will never really know but she was grateful she had.
Grace could hardly keep her eyes off him. In the occasional lull she would notice him looking around pensively but at one point what really caught her attention were two young women passing by her. Holding their signed copies of the novel one turned to the other and made a comment about how good-looking she thought August was. Grace hid her smile behind the pages of the book and laughed silently at the defensive thought that popped into her mind, "Back off, he's mine." Suddenly she felt like she was back in high school. Grace eavesdropped as the other girl continued saying that she hadn't seen him wearing a ring. Dropping the book to her lap she stared around the corner of the bookcase at August and searched his hands from a distance to see anything. It was true, no ring. This revelation made feel a bit more at ease even though she was aware that some men just didn't wear rings. Still, Grace found herself relieved at the possibility of an open door. Glancing at her watch she saw that in five minutes she would be walking through that very door and hopefully into his life again.
At ten minutes after the hour the last novel had been signed and Jonathan began to clean things up. He remarked to August that the rest of the afternoon was his, the town car would be available to take him back to the hotel and that he would see him the day after tomorrow for their appearance in Williamstown. August stood up from the desk, turned around to face Jonathan and shook his hand. Grace took that moment to make her way over to his desk. He was mid-sentence to Jonathan when he heard her voice.
"Mr. Dimitri?" The sound of her voice made him still instantly and fall silent. He stood there with his back to her, frozen and hardly able to distinguish whether he had actually heard her call him or if he had imagined it out of want. Paralyzed he stood there, after waiting this entire morning he had nearly given up all hope of seeing her today. Over all these years he had been so desperate just to hear her voice again. He couldn't handle being disappointed any more if it only turned out to be an illusion.
His heart raced and he felt the hair on the back of his neck stand up as the pleading voice filled his ears again, "Do you have time for one more?"
Slowly he turned, unable to believe his own eyes. His heart leapt from his chest. The most radiant woman he had ever seen stood before him and for once in his life he was speechless. His hands dropped to his sides and a look of utter astonishment was evident on his face. He felt as though he had just been dropped into the middle of the loveliest dream. Only this was real.
It seemed as though the world has stopped spinning when he turned around. Staring into his eyes Grace felt the connection they shared come back to her again instantly and stronger than ever. It was as though all the years had dissolved around them. Without realizing it he whispered her name, barely moving his lips. The sound of her name coming from him was the most beautiful sound she had ever heard. She missed him saying her name and looked forward to hearing it again and again.
Stunned, he stood there looking at her with the same expression he used the night he told her she was perfect for her role in the play. With that same smile that bordered between adoration and amazement, he breathed out, "How have you been?"
Taking the smallest step forward and having him return the favor she hardly knew what to say but managed, "Good, and you?"
Moving toward her August further closed the gap between them, "Very well." Both stood staring at one another for a long moment before another voice broke their instant reconnection.
It was Jonathan asking August, "And who might this be?" Moving toward them and extending a hand to Grace, Jonathan joined them, uninvited.
Taking a deep breath August smoothly stepped to Grace's side and introduced her, "This is my," he looked at her pointed and then emphasized the word, "friend, Grace." He saw her smile at his choice of words knowing the cord they struck.
Placing a hand softly on her shoulder and turning to her, he continued, "Grace, this is Jon, my representative from the publishing firm."
Grace shook his hand briefly, "Nice to meet you."
"Likewise," A long awkward silence followed Jonathan's introduction. Picking up on this he started to excuse himself, "Well, like I said, the rest of the day is yours. We'll be in contact with you tomorrow evening to discuss the details of the next signing. I think it went really well today, don't you?" August didn't have to answer, his beaming smile said it all. Jonathan continued, "Okay, well, you have our number. Enjoy Melbourne!" And with that he turned his back and began talking to Mary as the rest of the clerks began disassembling the displays.
Feeling awkward and slightly overwhelmed by the last few minutes August turned his full attention back to Grace, asking, "Can I take you to lunch?"
Her eyes met his and instantly all the same familiar feelings she had carried for him came back to her full force and she felt it difficult to contain her heart from beating out of her chest. She smiled radiantly, "That would be wonderful," then added, "we have a lot to catch up on."
"I agree," August brushed his hand across her shoulder again as they turned and started toward the door. Neither could hardly believe it was happening and somehow it seemed as though the years that separated them were only a moment. To him it felt like a dream, so surreal, to have her so suddenly back in his life. It was so easy to fall right back to where they had been before like a bookmark keeping the page ready to be read. Holding the door open for her as they headed outside into the sun, August asked Grace, "So, what's good to eat here?"
Without answering Grace stared at him for a moment. He was just as beautiful as she had remembered. Feeling her hand brush against his as they started out on the tree-lined street together they both felt a sense of renewed hope. As though they were discovering each other again and yet somehow for the first time.
~o0o~
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Surfacing
By Adia
(Chapter Six)
"Happy Hour"
Climbing out of the shower August wrapped a towel around his waist and ran his fingers through his wet hair. The light filtering through the windows of his hotel room only served as a reminder of how tired and jetlagged he felt from the long flight in from New York. He had hardly gotten any sleep on the flight knowing that his first stop would be the same city where Grace lived. The possibilities that existed could not keep themselves from providing August with a much-needed distraction. Not being a terribly big fan of flying he was more than happy to surrender to any of the daydreams falling through his mind.
While lathering his face to shave, August didn't stop himself from imagining what he would say to Grace if he saw her today. Every line of dialogue that came to him seemed incredibly inadequate so he decided on starting with hello and seeing where it goes from there, if in fact he sees her today. Glancing at the clock he lightly splashed on aftershave and began to dress. The Australian representative of the publisher would be there to pick him up and escort him to the bookstore, Reader's Feast, in twenty minutes.
Adjusting the yellow tie around his neck, August leaned back against the chair in the hotel lobby and waited. He ran his fingers over the silk of his tie remembering the significance of it, which is why he wore it just for this signing. He had been wearing this tie the night that he and Grace had gone to see Rashomon. He smiled reliving that time in his life.
He remembered coming home the night after the Gay/Straight Alliance dance and hardly being able to contain how amazing he felt, it bordered on euphoric and it simultaneously terrified him. It had been years since he had felt this way about anyone in fact when he thought about it he realized that he couldn't remember ever feeling this way.
Lying in bed that night he couldn't get a line from Chekhov out of his mind, it was the only thing that captured how he was feeling. Turning on the lamp on his desk and searching through the book case in his bedroom he came to find the book he had been looking for. Beaten up and antique looking August had owned the collection since he had started college at seventeen. This collection of stories was unlike any other, as he turned the pages each story brought with it memories of how it felt to finally come alive in life, to discover that writing was a passion worth pursuing with all your heart and to find yourself so bursting with energy, feeling capable of anything. It was a beautiful time in life. August couldn't help but notice the similarity between how he felt then and how he felt this evening. He thought of Grace.
He could see it in her, he was watching her come alive and it was amazing. It was wonderful just to be around her and to see her eyes light up when he spoke of great literature. She was incredibly talented and she inspired him in so many ways. In fact, because of Grace he had started to seriously contemplate writing again. Flipping the pages to the beginning of the book and staring at the title of the collection he thought of how hungry he had been then for knowledge and poetry and how exciting it had been to discover life. He could see that in Grace's eyes.
Her eyes were hauntingly beautiful and held so many emotions: happiness, sadness, frustration, enthusiasm, brilliance, surprise, lust, love and everything in between. He flashed on the first time he had met her, she was striking. She had undeniably the loneliest eyes he had ever seen and it genuinely touched his heart. Running his fingers across the cracked binding of the collection sitting on his desk, he thought of how perfect this would be for Grace.
Pulling a pen from the drawer he pressed the inked point to the opening page of the collection and without thinking scrawled what came pouring out of his heart, "To the girl with the loneliest eyes." Then without hesitating he signed, "Love always, August" onto the page. Pulling back from the book and gazing down at it he could hardly believe what he had just written. It was true. Staring at his own declaration on paper he did not regret the permanence of ink. He meant every word. Closing the hard cover on the book his fingers lingered along the edge of the pages a moment before he switched the lamp off and went to sleep.
Lying in bed he thought of how terrified he had been to admit to himself how he felt for her. Even before the play he knew he had feelings for her and he had been running from them from the moment she stepped into his classroom. He saw so much potential in her, that's why he pushed her to be brave in her writing. Still it wasn't until the night of their final performance that he finally accepted why he had been so hard on her. A rush of relief flooded over him when he saw her walk through that door. The loveliest thing he had ever seen was her beautiful face that night with her rain drenched skin. He had been terrified that she would never speak to him again and he couldn't hardly blame her after his behavior. He felt like such a hypocrite. He had been hiding out of a fear of his own emotions and their strength when the whole time he had been criticizing her for not letting her guard down. Truth be told he was still scared of his own feelings and even at times in denial of them. For if he admitted that she was the most intelligent, talented, breath-taking thing he had ever seen then he would be admitting how much he cared for her.
Thinking about how dangerous what they were doing was; he realized he was playing with fire and that his behavior wasn't fair to either of them. Not fair to Grace because she deserved someone who wasn't constantly confusing her and who didn't hide his real feelings. She deserved better than that and he deserved to be able to love her without restraint, without hesitation. He remembered how it had ripped his heart out to see tears in her eyes the afternoon in his car after again denying his feelings for the sake of professional integrity.
It was the most primitive form of torture, having everything he'd ever wanted sitting beside him and not being able to hold her because of the professional line that separated them. Rationally, he understood and respected the line and firmly believed in its purpose. That's why his feelings for her had not only surprised him but terrified him as well. That was also why he found himself struggling so hard. Perhaps that was what alarmed him the most, he felt himself crossing that line and he wasn't sure how to handle it. He wanted to honor the laws but he couldn't deny how he felt. All he knew was that he didn't want anyone to be hurt. He knew just how harsh the world could be, especially a world that didn't believe love could exist. He wanted to protect her from that and the only way he felt he could was to push her away but it had nearly killed him. Watching tears well up in her eyes he could feel a sickening sorrow fill his chest. He softened instantly, not wanting to be responsible for those tears in her eyes and wanting to make things right again.
He knew his actions must confuse her but he didn't know how to explain to her the delicate balance he had been trying to keep. The stupidest part of that was that they both felt the same way for one another. He hated keeping it such a secret, it was eating him alive inside. At first he had thought he could hold in how he felt but steadily he began to understand that his love for her was beyond his control. Tonight's dance was proof of that. He had known better but he couldn't resist, especially after seeing the disappointment in her eyes, a reflection of his own. Reliving the feel of her in his arms August fell into slumber as though it were a blanket of down.
The book stayed on his desk until he found himself standing over it on Monday morning. For the remainder of the weekend he had been debating whether to give her the book. Had his first instinct been the wisest or was he just being selfish to tell her he loved her knowing there was nothing they could do? The more he thought of it the more he hated himself for what he was doing. He felt like such a coward but he didn't want to hurt her. What he feared most was that in continuing like this he would only wind up hurting her more in the end than if he stopped now.
Betraying his heart, he took a long hard look at himself and made the toughest decision of all. He fought back the pain that rushed through him as he came to the conclusion that this was it, he would allow himself this day only and then he would stay away from her for good. It would be best for her though he knew it might just kill him. Thinking to himself, "She deserves so much more," he picked up the book, folded it's cover open and stared at his words. He wondered if being honest with her was the right thing to do. He didn't want live a lie any longer. If nothing else, she needed to know that he loved her. He pressed the book into his satchel and set out for the hardest day of his life.
Handing the book to her, he watched as it slipped from his hands into hers as though he were handing over a piece of himself so suddenly. He felt eyes on him that did not belong to either him nor Grace and it made him self-conscious. Still, he was glad he hand given her the book, he knew she would love the stories as much as he did. He had left that evening up to Grace to coordinate and she had, arranging to meet at his place around six-thirty with Lisa and Russell to see Rashomon. The film was an excellent choice as it followed along with their study of point of view in class. On a more personal level, he looked forward to explaining the nuances of the film to Grace and seeing it impact her work, as it had his years ago.
Just before six-thirty Grace walked through the sliding glass door at the back of his house. When she arrived he couldn't help but notice how dressed up she had gotten for the movie, black leather skirt and a form-fitting sweater in his favorite shade of blue. Turning his focus back to wiping his dishes dry he let her roam his kitchen. It didn't come completely unexpected that Lisa and Russell had cancelled, in fact he suspected that maybe Grace hadn't even asked them, but he certainly didn't mind the idea of watching the film with just her. Biting his lip at the thought, he reminded himself that this was the last time he would allow himself to feel this way and that he would have to start pulling back to his side of the line tonight, not knowing then that the toughest challenge was just moments away.
He would never forget how she looked standing there in his kitchen, so open and sweet staring at him with her tentative eyes as she offered herself to him. She was so stunning he felt himself go entirely weak. He wouldn't deny that he wanted her but not like this. He wanted something more than just one night, he wanted to take his time, he wanted to make memories with her that would last. As far as he was concerned Grace was someone he wanted to share his life with and so he wanted the first time he made love to her to be something they both would never forget. He was sure now that she had read the inscription.
He looked away to hide the rush of overwhelming disappointment that fell over him. He knew he usually masked his emotions with anger or frustration but this was just too painfully raw to disguise. He felt so miserable, having to tell her no, that when he parted his lips he found it difficult to speak. He could still picture her walking toward him with her eyes wide saying that she had given this a lot of thought. Later he would wonder just how much thought she had given to the subject but then, when the words left her mouth as an immediate appeal to his unspoken no, he felt his heart implode. Fighting against himself, he struggled to push aside his want and hold to his self-made promise to do what would be best for her. Taking a shallow stinging breath and fighting to stifle a sigh that would further reveal his disappointment, August summed his courage and spoke. The sound of his voice burned against his own ears as he heard himself whisper, "No." Hoping she understood that it wasn't a matter of not wanting to but rather not being able to, he added, "We can't."
Running his hand over his tie, he couldn't force himself to meet her eyes. He knew he was lying to her, just as he would later that week at their parting when he would tell her that he had been using her, he knew that was a lie as well. August understood what she hadn't, that making love to her then would have only put them in greater emotional danger. The bond created by the union of two people sharing themselves was something so beautiful, he wanted to make sure the moment was perfect. He knew that their connection would then be so strong they wouldn't be satisfied only being secret lovers and not be able to fully express their love in all areas of life and that would only cause them both intense anguish and heartache.
Still, it didn't make saying no any easier, on either of them. He wasn't sure what it had been that compelled him to zip her coat in front of his car but he wanted to somehow reassure her in a way his words hadn't. He had been honest when he said he was honored. He could think of nothing more honorable and he felt so fortunate that she had chosen him to share something that beautiful with her. It was obvious that she felt embarrassed but all he saw was the beauty and strength of the most amazing person he'd ever known and he hoped he had made that evident.
Once at the old theater on the other side of town he bought her ticket to the film, though she offered to pay her own way. He lived up to his word and bought her a large popcorn and she held it on her lap as the film began. He slipped one arm around the back of her seat and snagged a handful popcorn with the other. For not being one it certainly felt like a date, especially when in the tightly crammed seats their legs often touched. He chided himself for his misleading behavior but they both knew it was all they could have right now. On the ride home they discussed the movie and he admired the excitement in Grace's voice over the concept behind the film. Thinking it best to say good night outside, he walked her to her car in the drive. Awkwardly saying goodbye Grace smiled and reached out, without thinking, to straighten his tie. Sliding it through her hand she spoke, "I meant to tell you earlier that I really like your tie, it's my favorite." He thanked her and touching her shoulder affectionately, said good night. He watched her climb into her car and drive away. Standing under a sky full of stars on that cool Spring evening, he felt exceptionally content.
Sitting now in the hotel lobby and staring down at "her favorite tie" he thought of how with Grace nothing had turned out as he had expected. Maybe it was crazy but all he could think about was her. At times he had imagined watching her walk through the door of his house in New York. He saw her laying on the sofa in his living room reading a book. He even pictured them cooking dinner together, reading the morning paper, the most common things in life. But often those daydreams were followed by the terrifying notion of discovering that she had met someone new, more interesting, less complicated, fallen deeply in love and forgotten all about him. He imagined a horrifying life of never knowing, never seeing her again. It was that idea that made all the nervousness he felt about seeing her again worth it. Even if she had moved on at least he would know and not be left wondering his life away, though sometimes he wasn't sure which fate would be worse.
The publishing firm had sent out a town car with the representative and they were shuttled to the bookstore. The Australian Rep, Jonathan, was very friendly and spoke with a mild accent. He introduced August to the owner of Reader's Feast, Mary, and let him get settled into the signing desk. Signings usually made him slightly apprehensive and this was no exception. He sat in the chair as the bookstore's friendly and knowledgeable clerks piled copies of his novel on the stand beside his desk. Another clerk set up a large display in the window of the rustic brick building with a poster of the cover of the novel. On the poster was also a smaller inset photo of August and his name in tall blue letters announcing, "Meet the author." He felt a bit overwhelmed as he looked around the store from his seat trying to get a feel for the layout of the room.
Jonathan rounded the corner with a paper cup of coffee from the break room and a hand full of pens for use in signing. August busied himself by signing a few first editions for the store to sell after he left and another copy for Mary as well. Glancing at his watch his stomach jumped seeing that in three minutes the doors would be swinging wide open to his future. He didn't know how he would survive the day if he didn't see her.
The first hour was tortuous until he forced himself to focus on meeting his readers and genuinely being in the moment, he owed them that. Often when a fan would be standing in front of him, sharing how the novel had touched their lives, August would find his eyes darting past them watch the floor for any sign of her. Knowing he wasn't giving them the attention they deserved, he forced himself to push his thoughts of Grace aside before he started going out of his mind.
~o0o~
Grace could hardly believe what she was doing as her legs carried her across the street toward the bookstore as though they weren't even attached to her body. She couldn't even feel the cold metal of the door handle against her skin or hear the chime of the bell above her as she entered the store. She felt numb with fear. Ducking into the first available aisle she pressed her back to the bookshelf and filled her lungs with several deep breaths. Trying to calm herself, she reassured herself that everything would turn out alright even if he didn't want to see her. Glancing up at the window display in front of her she saw a backward reflection of August on a poster and felt herself calm. She suddenly felt stupid for being so worried, after all wasn't this what she had been waiting for over these last years, a second chance? Well, here it was, staring her right in the face and she had better not let it escape her this time. With that realization Grace summed all the courage she had, straightened, took one final deep breath and turned the corner on the aisle.
Not knowing where he was located, Grace slowly walked along the inner wall of the aisles that faced the North side of the bookstore. She felt more comfortable knowing that this way she could get a feel for where he was. She wasn't quite sure she was ready to make her appearance known just yet. Moving toward the back of the store she could hear his voice gently sift through the air as he thanked a customer. Grace was surprised by her reaction to the sound of his voice and how she had missed it all these years. It stopped her in her tracks and she ducked again into another empty aisle. She could hardly believe he was actually here. She closed her eyes and listened to him as he conversed with a fan remembering how soft his voice felt when he had whispered, "Which doesn't mean I won't miss you." A quiet smile spread across her face as she stood there listening to his voice for a bit longer. Other people browsing the aisle must have thought her crazed to be standing there but she couldn't have cared less.
After a long while Grace again set on her way to the back of the bookstore, following the sound of his voice. The bookstore was unusually full this morning and she couldn't help but think how perfect it would be meeting him here in a place she had grown to love. Though he had never set foot in the store until this morning it had always reminded her of him. Slowing as she reached the back of the store she took a deep breath, steadying herself for seeing him for the first time in years.
Nothing she ever felt before could have been comparable to how it felt when she peeked around the corner of the final aisle of the store to see him sitting at the desk scribbling his signature into a book. It seemed as though she were staring at the finest piece of artwork in existence. Watching his movements as he ran a hand through his hair and seeing his smile again. Grace felt awestruck by his presence as though admiring a genuine van Gogh, the beauty of her very own Starry Night. The sight of him took her breath away.
She couldn't help the warm feeling bubbling up inside of her and spreading through her arms and legs. She hadn't realized just how much she missed him. Missing someone is just like being in love, only painful. His absence had only served as a constant reminder of what she had lost and looking at him now she realized she never wanted to lose that again. She debated on whether to step around the corner and get in line at his desk or to wait until the signing was over and see him then. She glanced at her watch, it would only be another hour or so, she figured she could handle staying here and watching him at least that long and then when everyone left she would have him all to herself.
Grace slipped into a fluffy over-stuffed sofa chair that set against the wall and was hidden by the aisle. From her vantage point she could still see August without him seeing her. Hiding behind a copy of his book and sneaking peeks at him, Grace couldn't help but laugh at herself. It all seemed so surreal. It was hard for her to believe that she was here now in the same room with him. She reminded herself that she would have to thank Judy the next time she spoke to her. What in the world had possessed Judy to send her that flyer she will never really know but she was grateful she had.
Grace could hardly keep her eyes off him. In the occasional lull she would notice him looking around pensively but at one point what really caught her attention were two young women passing by her. Holding their signed copies of the novel one turned to the other and made a comment about how good-looking she thought August was. Grace hid her smile behind the pages of the book and laughed silently at the defensive thought that popped into her mind, "Back off, he's mine." Suddenly she felt like she was back in high school. Grace eavesdropped as the other girl continued saying that she hadn't seen him wearing a ring. Dropping the book to her lap she stared around the corner of the bookcase at August and searched his hands from a distance to see anything. It was true, no ring. This revelation made feel a bit more at ease even though she was aware that some men just didn't wear rings. Still, Grace found herself relieved at the possibility of an open door. Glancing at her watch she saw that in five minutes she would be walking through that very door and hopefully into his life again.
At ten minutes after the hour the last novel had been signed and Jonathan began to clean things up. He remarked to August that the rest of the afternoon was his, the town car would be available to take him back to the hotel and that he would see him the day after tomorrow for their appearance in Williamstown. August stood up from the desk, turned around to face Jonathan and shook his hand. Grace took that moment to make her way over to his desk. He was mid-sentence to Jonathan when he heard her voice.
"Mr. Dimitri?" The sound of her voice made him still instantly and fall silent. He stood there with his back to her, frozen and hardly able to distinguish whether he had actually heard her call him or if he had imagined it out of want. Paralyzed he stood there, after waiting this entire morning he had nearly given up all hope of seeing her today. Over all these years he had been so desperate just to hear her voice again. He couldn't handle being disappointed any more if it only turned out to be an illusion.
His heart raced and he felt the hair on the back of his neck stand up as the pleading voice filled his ears again, "Do you have time for one more?"
Slowly he turned, unable to believe his own eyes. His heart leapt from his chest. The most radiant woman he had ever seen stood before him and for once in his life he was speechless. His hands dropped to his sides and a look of utter astonishment was evident on his face. He felt as though he had just been dropped into the middle of the loveliest dream. Only this was real.
It seemed as though the world has stopped spinning when he turned around. Staring into his eyes Grace felt the connection they shared come back to her again instantly and stronger than ever. It was as though all the years had dissolved around them. Without realizing it he whispered her name, barely moving his lips. The sound of her name coming from him was the most beautiful sound she had ever heard. She missed him saying her name and looked forward to hearing it again and again.
Stunned, he stood there looking at her with the same expression he used the night he told her she was perfect for her role in the play. With that same smile that bordered between adoration and amazement, he breathed out, "How have you been?"
Taking the smallest step forward and having him return the favor she hardly knew what to say but managed, "Good, and you?"
Moving toward her August further closed the gap between them, "Very well." Both stood staring at one another for a long moment before another voice broke their instant reconnection.
It was Jonathan asking August, "And who might this be?" Moving toward them and extending a hand to Grace, Jonathan joined them, uninvited.
Taking a deep breath August smoothly stepped to Grace's side and introduced her, "This is my," he looked at her pointed and then emphasized the word, "friend, Grace." He saw her smile at his choice of words knowing the cord they struck.
Placing a hand softly on her shoulder and turning to her, he continued, "Grace, this is Jon, my representative from the publishing firm."
Grace shook his hand briefly, "Nice to meet you."
"Likewise," A long awkward silence followed Jonathan's introduction. Picking up on this he started to excuse himself, "Well, like I said, the rest of the day is yours. We'll be in contact with you tomorrow evening to discuss the details of the next signing. I think it went really well today, don't you?" August didn't have to answer, his beaming smile said it all. Jonathan continued, "Okay, well, you have our number. Enjoy Melbourne!" And with that he turned his back and began talking to Mary as the rest of the clerks began disassembling the displays.
Feeling awkward and slightly overwhelmed by the last few minutes August turned his full attention back to Grace, asking, "Can I take you to lunch?"
Her eyes met his and instantly all the same familiar feelings she had carried for him came back to her full force and she felt it difficult to contain her heart from beating out of her chest. She smiled radiantly, "That would be wonderful," then added, "we have a lot to catch up on."
"I agree," August brushed his hand across her shoulder again as they turned and started toward the door. Neither could hardly believe it was happening and somehow it seemed as though the years that separated them were only a moment. To him it felt like a dream, so surreal, to have her so suddenly back in his life. It was so easy to fall right back to where they had been before like a bookmark keeping the page ready to be read. Holding the door open for her as they headed outside into the sun, August asked Grace, "So, what's good to eat here?"
Without answering Grace stared at him for a moment. He was just as beautiful as she had remembered. Feeling her hand brush against his as they started out on the tree-lined street together they both felt a sense of renewed hope. As though they were discovering each other again and yet somehow for the first time.
~o0o~