Chapter 11: Waiting for the silver lining.
Mark took Susan home in a taxi, she could barely stand let alone walk back to her apartment. She was vomiting the whole way home. She had just begun to look healthy again and now she was looking as frail as ever.
Mark loved her so much and he knew he had to stay strong for her. He would help her through her sister's death, although this time he would have to do it without a vacation.
Kerry had kindly given Mark the day off, she had called it an extension of his holiday. Mark had signed Susan off sick indefinitely, and he swapped shifts with Carter so that he'd only be doing 8 hour shifts from 7am to 3pm. At least that way he could spend most of the day and the night with Susan. Last time it had been the nights that had been the worst, Susan would wake up in sweats from the nightmares she had.
By the time they had got back to Susan's apartment, she's was extremely weary, collapsing with every half step Mark helped her take. Mark opened the door to her apartment and realising she could go no further, picked Susan up and carried her into her bedroom and placed her carefully onto her bed. He pulled the covers up around her and left her to sleep.
It was going to be hard work, but Mark was determined to help her through.
Susan woke up after sleeping for four hours. She called out, just hoping Mark was here. And she was pleased to find he was.
"Hey you. How you feeling? I put a bowl next to the bed in case you felt sick again." Mark said sympathetically.
"I feel awful. I feel like I took all these steps forward and then I just feel like someone has thrown me back further than I have ever been." Susan replied.
"I'll help you through, don't worry. I'm here for you, always will be." Mark answered as he slipped his arm around Susan
She began to sob, and the tears started to dampen Mark's t-shirt. He had been home and got some things while Susan was asleep. He intended to stay until she felt ok to be on her own again.
"Susan, I'm going to stay with you ok? For as long as you need me. I have a weeks worth of clothes and can get more. I've changed my shifts with Carter. I'm doing 8 hours a day for the foreseeable future. I start at 7am and finish at 3pm. So I'm with you most of the day and all night." Mark said
"Thank-you Mark that's so sweet of you. I don't think I can face going to Chloe's funeral, I feel far too ill. I just want to sleep." Susan said
"That's ok. Do you want something to eat?" Mark asked
Just the mention of food made Susan vomit. Mark smiled slightly.
"I know my cooking isn't great, but that was just rude!" Mark tried a joke
Susan smiled a little, and then just flopped back into bed.
Mark sat with her for a while. It was now 4 in the afternoon and Mark finally persuaded Susan to get up. They went for a little walk to the riverside, and she talked about all the good times she had spent with Chloe. Like the time Susan delivered little Suzie. She felt so proud that day and really thought Chloe would turn herself around.
Now she was dead. All the times Susan had bailed her out, given her money and looked after her had been in vain. The one thing that Susan had tried so hard to stop happening had happened. If Chloe had died of anything but AIDS it might have been better.
After and hour and a half, Mark took Susan back to her apartment. Although she was tired, she didn't want Mark to feel like she was neglecting him, so she sat up and watched some TV with him.
When it got to nine o'clock Susan couldn't stay awake any longer, she couldn't fight the need to close her eyes. Mark looked over and saw her struggling to stay awake.
"Come on the sleepy head, let's go to bed." Mark said
"Mmm that sounds like a good idea to me" Susan replied.
She seemed a little better than earlier and managed to make it to the bedroom without falling over. Maybe that walk had done her good. She certainly poured her heart out. But Mark didn't mind, he was there to listen.
The night went slowly, Susan woke up several times in the night, sometimes she was ok, but most of the time she woke up crying and Mark had to console her.
Mark woke at 6.15am. Susan was fast asleep for the first time since they had come to bed. Mark wondered what was going on in her head, whether her dreams were making her happy, or just plunging her further into darkness.
He worried about her. He worried about her a lot. She just seemed so helpless, but then he also knew Susan was stronger than most people thought. She used to impressionable and would back down to a challenge, but now she was a fantastic doctor who was not afraid to take on anyone. If she had an opinion she stuck to it, and very rarely backed down. She would always make sure her patients got what she wanted them to get, it could get her into hot water sometimes but she didn't care.
Mark left a note for Susan on the pillow next to her. It simply said:
Susan,
Its 6.30am and I've had to go to work. I didn't want to wake you because of the bad night you'd had. I wanted to let you sleep. I'll be back just after 3pm. If you need anything just call the hospital.
Love you,
Mark
Xxx
Susan woke around 9am. She was still so tired, and the dreams she had were plaguing her even now she was awake.
Susan decided she would have a shower and then call her mom to tell her she couldn't make the funeral. She couldn't handle having to tell little Suzie what had happened. She knew Joe would have tried but he was never great with words.
At 10am Susan stepped out of the shower and called her mom
*Phone call*
Hey Mom, it's Susan. Look, I can't make the funeral, I just can't face it. I'm sending some flowers." Susan said
"Oh Susie, don't make yourself ill, that's not what Chloe would have wanted. Where's Mark?" Susan Mom asked
"He's had to go to work. I can't expect him to stay home and look after me. And how the hell do you know what Chloe would have wanted? She only ever spoke to us if she wanted something." Susan shouted
"Susan, don't talk about your sister like that. Have a little respect." Susan's Mom yelled back
"Ah whatever. Bye mom" Susan said as she put the phone down
Now Chloe's dead she's some kind of saint. Jesus, does no-one think about all the times she almost broke our family up? But she was my sister and I loved her all the same, guess I'm going to miss her. What the hell am I talking about? I'm devastated. She was my big sister, the one you talk about all the things you can't talk to your mom about. We had such fun when we were younger.
Susan slumped on the couch and began to cry. She wanted to call Mark, but she didn't want to bother him.
Sadly, over the next few weeks Susan became even more withdrawn from her present life.
Mark was finding it harder to talk to her. Whereas before they were planning on when she would return to work, she was now saying she never wanted to treat another patient.
"After all they only die in the end" Susan would say with a bitter tone.
She had completely changed, she was no longer the Susan Mark knew. She was this bitter twisted person, completely blown apart by the death of half of her immediate family.
She was no longer talking to her Mother, and Joe never called when he said he would. Mark had tried to arrange for Joe to bring little Suzie to see Susan but he backed out at the last minute saying he couldn't get time off work.
Mark hated leaving Susan to go to work, but she didn't seem to care. She hardly acknowledged Mark any more. He felt like he was the one that was alone.
Every day he would go into work and everyone would ask
"Where's Susan. When's she coming back? We miss her"
However, Carter could see through Mark, he knew something was very wrong. He caught Mark on his own in the doctors lounge and sat next to him.
"What's happening Mark? She's really ill isn't she?" Carter enquired
"Yup. I just don't know what to do Carter, she just stays in bed, only gets up to shower. She's hardly eaten for 2 weeks, and just keeps being sick. I keep expecting to come home and find that she's slit her wrists." Mark said wiping the tears from his eyes.
"Oh god, it's that bad?" Carter asked
"Yeah, and there's nothing I can do. She's clinically depressed. It's like she's just waiting for the silver lining, but it never appears. I see her looking out of the window sometimes, and I just don't know what she's thinking any more." Mark replied
"Want me to come round?" Carter answered
"That's a nice thought, but she barely knows I'm there let alone if anyone else came in. Anyway I'm off now. Guess I'd better go home" Mark said as her slowly and quietly put his jacket on.
When Mark got home he went into the bedroom to see Susan. He went to give her a hug but she didn't want to know.
Every time Mark tired to touch Susan she'd push him away. Then suddenly she spoke.
"Mark, I've been thinking. I don't want to love you anymore." Susan said
Mark looked slightly puzzled
"What do you mean, you don't WANT to love me anymore" Mark asked.
"I can't do it. Everyone I love dies and I don't want you to die." Susan replied
Mark knew now he had to get Susan some help.
"Susan you need help" Mark said
"I don't need help" She answered
"You do. I'm trying to help but I can't do it alone." Mark replied
"Stop trying. This is me now Mark. Say hi to the new Susan." Susan said firmly
"Fine. I don't know what to do anymore. You can do this on your own. I've done as much as I can do." Mark said
Mark walked out of the bedroom, through the living room and towards the front door. He would have stopped if Susan had followed him, but she didn't.
Mark left and slammed the door shut.
The slamming of the door, awoke something in Susan. It made her realise what she was doing to herself and more importantly to Mark. She went into the living room, just to see if by any chance Mark had only pretended to slam the door. But he hadn't, he had left and now Susan was truly alone. She had lost the best thing in her life.
As the reality hit her Susan began to cry and scream
"What have I done? I've lost him. I need him and now he's gone!"
Susan went to the phone and dialled Marks cell phone number. It rang four times before that familiar voice answered.
"Mark, I need you, I'm sorry. I've just been so wrapped up in myself that I've neglected you. Please come back. We'll talk." Susan begged
"Susan, I wanted to help, you wouldn't let me. It's over." Mark said sternly
Mark knew he didn't want that but he was so tired. He couldn't take any more. It was just so difficult to keep going. Looking after Susan during the day and night, then going to work at the crack of dawn.
"Mark, no, please, I love you" Susan cried
"No you don't. That's not what you want." Mark replied
The words hurt Mark so much as he said them, and he knew he was hurting Susan too, but she had pushed him away. He longed to hold her, tell her everything was ok. But now he needed proof that was what she wanted too. Because right now, Mark wasn't so sure.
"I'll let you help me" Susan was pleading with Mark
"I can't. I tried. The only person who can help you now is you." Mark said
"I promise. I'll get help, I'll see a psychiatrist" Susan said
"I'll believe it when I see it. Show me proof. Until then, I don't think we should see each other."
Mark couldn't believe what he was saying. He had spent the last two and a half months with Susan. For most of it, he couldn't have been happier. Now he didn't know what was happening.
Through the sounds of crying Susan's words were
"Oh Mark, I'm so sorry. I hope you can find a way to forgive me. All I've ever wanted is you, and that's all I want now"
"Bye Susan" was all Mark could manage before he began to cry too.
Mark took Susan home in a taxi, she could barely stand let alone walk back to her apartment. She was vomiting the whole way home. She had just begun to look healthy again and now she was looking as frail as ever.
Mark loved her so much and he knew he had to stay strong for her. He would help her through her sister's death, although this time he would have to do it without a vacation.
Kerry had kindly given Mark the day off, she had called it an extension of his holiday. Mark had signed Susan off sick indefinitely, and he swapped shifts with Carter so that he'd only be doing 8 hour shifts from 7am to 3pm. At least that way he could spend most of the day and the night with Susan. Last time it had been the nights that had been the worst, Susan would wake up in sweats from the nightmares she had.
By the time they had got back to Susan's apartment, she's was extremely weary, collapsing with every half step Mark helped her take. Mark opened the door to her apartment and realising she could go no further, picked Susan up and carried her into her bedroom and placed her carefully onto her bed. He pulled the covers up around her and left her to sleep.
It was going to be hard work, but Mark was determined to help her through.
Susan woke up after sleeping for four hours. She called out, just hoping Mark was here. And she was pleased to find he was.
"Hey you. How you feeling? I put a bowl next to the bed in case you felt sick again." Mark said sympathetically.
"I feel awful. I feel like I took all these steps forward and then I just feel like someone has thrown me back further than I have ever been." Susan replied.
"I'll help you through, don't worry. I'm here for you, always will be." Mark answered as he slipped his arm around Susan
She began to sob, and the tears started to dampen Mark's t-shirt. He had been home and got some things while Susan was asleep. He intended to stay until she felt ok to be on her own again.
"Susan, I'm going to stay with you ok? For as long as you need me. I have a weeks worth of clothes and can get more. I've changed my shifts with Carter. I'm doing 8 hours a day for the foreseeable future. I start at 7am and finish at 3pm. So I'm with you most of the day and all night." Mark said
"Thank-you Mark that's so sweet of you. I don't think I can face going to Chloe's funeral, I feel far too ill. I just want to sleep." Susan said
"That's ok. Do you want something to eat?" Mark asked
Just the mention of food made Susan vomit. Mark smiled slightly.
"I know my cooking isn't great, but that was just rude!" Mark tried a joke
Susan smiled a little, and then just flopped back into bed.
Mark sat with her for a while. It was now 4 in the afternoon and Mark finally persuaded Susan to get up. They went for a little walk to the riverside, and she talked about all the good times she had spent with Chloe. Like the time Susan delivered little Suzie. She felt so proud that day and really thought Chloe would turn herself around.
Now she was dead. All the times Susan had bailed her out, given her money and looked after her had been in vain. The one thing that Susan had tried so hard to stop happening had happened. If Chloe had died of anything but AIDS it might have been better.
After and hour and a half, Mark took Susan back to her apartment. Although she was tired, she didn't want Mark to feel like she was neglecting him, so she sat up and watched some TV with him.
When it got to nine o'clock Susan couldn't stay awake any longer, she couldn't fight the need to close her eyes. Mark looked over and saw her struggling to stay awake.
"Come on the sleepy head, let's go to bed." Mark said
"Mmm that sounds like a good idea to me" Susan replied.
She seemed a little better than earlier and managed to make it to the bedroom without falling over. Maybe that walk had done her good. She certainly poured her heart out. But Mark didn't mind, he was there to listen.
The night went slowly, Susan woke up several times in the night, sometimes she was ok, but most of the time she woke up crying and Mark had to console her.
Mark woke at 6.15am. Susan was fast asleep for the first time since they had come to bed. Mark wondered what was going on in her head, whether her dreams were making her happy, or just plunging her further into darkness.
He worried about her. He worried about her a lot. She just seemed so helpless, but then he also knew Susan was stronger than most people thought. She used to impressionable and would back down to a challenge, but now she was a fantastic doctor who was not afraid to take on anyone. If she had an opinion she stuck to it, and very rarely backed down. She would always make sure her patients got what she wanted them to get, it could get her into hot water sometimes but she didn't care.
Mark left a note for Susan on the pillow next to her. It simply said:
Susan,
Its 6.30am and I've had to go to work. I didn't want to wake you because of the bad night you'd had. I wanted to let you sleep. I'll be back just after 3pm. If you need anything just call the hospital.
Love you,
Mark
Xxx
Susan woke around 9am. She was still so tired, and the dreams she had were plaguing her even now she was awake.
Susan decided she would have a shower and then call her mom to tell her she couldn't make the funeral. She couldn't handle having to tell little Suzie what had happened. She knew Joe would have tried but he was never great with words.
At 10am Susan stepped out of the shower and called her mom
*Phone call*
Hey Mom, it's Susan. Look, I can't make the funeral, I just can't face it. I'm sending some flowers." Susan said
"Oh Susie, don't make yourself ill, that's not what Chloe would have wanted. Where's Mark?" Susan Mom asked
"He's had to go to work. I can't expect him to stay home and look after me. And how the hell do you know what Chloe would have wanted? She only ever spoke to us if she wanted something." Susan shouted
"Susan, don't talk about your sister like that. Have a little respect." Susan's Mom yelled back
"Ah whatever. Bye mom" Susan said as she put the phone down
Now Chloe's dead she's some kind of saint. Jesus, does no-one think about all the times she almost broke our family up? But she was my sister and I loved her all the same, guess I'm going to miss her. What the hell am I talking about? I'm devastated. She was my big sister, the one you talk about all the things you can't talk to your mom about. We had such fun when we were younger.
Susan slumped on the couch and began to cry. She wanted to call Mark, but she didn't want to bother him.
Sadly, over the next few weeks Susan became even more withdrawn from her present life.
Mark was finding it harder to talk to her. Whereas before they were planning on when she would return to work, she was now saying she never wanted to treat another patient.
"After all they only die in the end" Susan would say with a bitter tone.
She had completely changed, she was no longer the Susan Mark knew. She was this bitter twisted person, completely blown apart by the death of half of her immediate family.
She was no longer talking to her Mother, and Joe never called when he said he would. Mark had tried to arrange for Joe to bring little Suzie to see Susan but he backed out at the last minute saying he couldn't get time off work.
Mark hated leaving Susan to go to work, but she didn't seem to care. She hardly acknowledged Mark any more. He felt like he was the one that was alone.
Every day he would go into work and everyone would ask
"Where's Susan. When's she coming back? We miss her"
However, Carter could see through Mark, he knew something was very wrong. He caught Mark on his own in the doctors lounge and sat next to him.
"What's happening Mark? She's really ill isn't she?" Carter enquired
"Yup. I just don't know what to do Carter, she just stays in bed, only gets up to shower. She's hardly eaten for 2 weeks, and just keeps being sick. I keep expecting to come home and find that she's slit her wrists." Mark said wiping the tears from his eyes.
"Oh god, it's that bad?" Carter asked
"Yeah, and there's nothing I can do. She's clinically depressed. It's like she's just waiting for the silver lining, but it never appears. I see her looking out of the window sometimes, and I just don't know what she's thinking any more." Mark replied
"Want me to come round?" Carter answered
"That's a nice thought, but she barely knows I'm there let alone if anyone else came in. Anyway I'm off now. Guess I'd better go home" Mark said as her slowly and quietly put his jacket on.
When Mark got home he went into the bedroom to see Susan. He went to give her a hug but she didn't want to know.
Every time Mark tired to touch Susan she'd push him away. Then suddenly she spoke.
"Mark, I've been thinking. I don't want to love you anymore." Susan said
Mark looked slightly puzzled
"What do you mean, you don't WANT to love me anymore" Mark asked.
"I can't do it. Everyone I love dies and I don't want you to die." Susan replied
Mark knew now he had to get Susan some help.
"Susan you need help" Mark said
"I don't need help" She answered
"You do. I'm trying to help but I can't do it alone." Mark replied
"Stop trying. This is me now Mark. Say hi to the new Susan." Susan said firmly
"Fine. I don't know what to do anymore. You can do this on your own. I've done as much as I can do." Mark said
Mark walked out of the bedroom, through the living room and towards the front door. He would have stopped if Susan had followed him, but she didn't.
Mark left and slammed the door shut.
The slamming of the door, awoke something in Susan. It made her realise what she was doing to herself and more importantly to Mark. She went into the living room, just to see if by any chance Mark had only pretended to slam the door. But he hadn't, he had left and now Susan was truly alone. She had lost the best thing in her life.
As the reality hit her Susan began to cry and scream
"What have I done? I've lost him. I need him and now he's gone!"
Susan went to the phone and dialled Marks cell phone number. It rang four times before that familiar voice answered.
"Mark, I need you, I'm sorry. I've just been so wrapped up in myself that I've neglected you. Please come back. We'll talk." Susan begged
"Susan, I wanted to help, you wouldn't let me. It's over." Mark said sternly
Mark knew he didn't want that but he was so tired. He couldn't take any more. It was just so difficult to keep going. Looking after Susan during the day and night, then going to work at the crack of dawn.
"Mark, no, please, I love you" Susan cried
"No you don't. That's not what you want." Mark replied
The words hurt Mark so much as he said them, and he knew he was hurting Susan too, but she had pushed him away. He longed to hold her, tell her everything was ok. But now he needed proof that was what she wanted too. Because right now, Mark wasn't so sure.
"I'll let you help me" Susan was pleading with Mark
"I can't. I tried. The only person who can help you now is you." Mark said
"I promise. I'll get help, I'll see a psychiatrist" Susan said
"I'll believe it when I see it. Show me proof. Until then, I don't think we should see each other."
Mark couldn't believe what he was saying. He had spent the last two and a half months with Susan. For most of it, he couldn't have been happier. Now he didn't know what was happening.
Through the sounds of crying Susan's words were
"Oh Mark, I'm so sorry. I hope you can find a way to forgive me. All I've ever wanted is you, and that's all I want now"
"Bye Susan" was all Mark could manage before he began to cry too.