Well, I've gotta admit…I am updating this at an unusually fast rate. Normally, it takes me a good two to three weeks for an update. But inspiration came a-knocking a few days ago, and just like * that *, this chapter came to me
I'd like to thank my reviewers who agree with me that Bill Gates is e8iL. Also, to Evil Bob: No, sorry, but I haven't read Silmarillion; I can't vouch if Morgoth is as evil as Sauron. I'm trying to include as many well-known evil people as there are.
Also, as you may have noticed from the title…this fic goes by certain days from the 14 days Alex has to win favor with the Evil Overlords. Got it? Goooooood.
Disclaimer: Refer to the first chapter. I beseech you.
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Alex sat in his Desk of Eviltude within the confines of the apartment he and Saturos had managed to conviently buy in the past time since last chapter – hands folded menacingly, and eyes glaring hated fully at the unpolished floor. The lights were dim, except for a single lamp illuminating Alex's features. His hair was casting a shadow across his eyes, making him look ever-the-more evil and bishounen. And if you think this is overly-melodramatic and cliché, you get a cookie!
Indeed, for no sooner had Alex been introduced to us, the apartment door opened and the lights turned on; Saturos was at the door, a newspaper and a box of doughnuts in his arms. He sighed woefully. "Alex, dude. If you're going to contact an "evil plan", you might want to try going into a position that doesn't belong to someone else."
It was Alex's turn to sigh as he rose from his desk. "Really, Saturos, must you spoil my fun?" The Mercury Adept took a seat at the table.
"Always, my little lackey."
"I told you, don't you ever call me that."
Saturos snickered, and took a bit from his doughnuts. Alex, curious, reached for the box and read the nutrition label. In a moment or so, his expression was of complete shock.
"Saturos, look at this! Look at the amount of saturated fat these Krispy Kremes have! This is sheer villainy, I tell you, sheer villainy!"
Saturos chewed the doughnut in his mouth, his expression blank.
Alex sighed in frustration. "Oh, why bother? You're dead in the first place; you don't need to worry about clotted arteries and the like."
Saturos blinked. "You're dead, too."
"… point."
Saturos finished his doughnut and sat down in his favorite reclining leather chair, grabbing a blue-covered bound book and opening it. Alex mentally groaned; there was no point in talking to Saturos when he became engrossed in his reading. In a fit of desperation, Alex flung himself to the floor next to the chair, and entered the Groveling Position.
"Please help me, Satty! There's no way I can get into the Evil Overlords of Evil without some good ideas!!"
Saturos, surprisingly, lifted one eye up from his book. "Well, it's not like I'm throwing away any ideas here, man."
If this were a cartoon, a lightbulb would've appeared above Alex's head. An insane, unnerving smile spread across his lips, and his eyes glinted with insanity. "Brilliant, Satty, brilliant! Thanks for the idea!"
"But I didn't – "
Alex dismissed him with a wave of his hand. "That's nice, Saturos. Oh, how evil my plan will be!!" and just like that, he warped out of the apartment to who-knows-where.
Saturos blinked, shrugged the thought off, and went back to his beloved book.
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Saturos turned the next page with anticipation, his stomach knotted in a child-like wonder. The book was really getting to a good part, that it was. Unfortunately, Saturos's cell phone began to ring. ( Brought to you by the Plot Device – we make stories run smoother! ) Saturos groaned and book-marked his page. Grumbling, he unflipped his phone and put it up to his pointy Proxian ear.
"Hello?" he grumbled.
Unsurprisingly, he was met with Alex's voice on the other end. "Ah, Saturos! Quickly! Get out of your lazy posterior and make it over hear to the park! Come quickly; lo and behold my evilness…ess! Mwu ha ha…" the blue-haired bishounen's phone shut with a click.
Saturos rolled his eyes and shut his own phone. It's going to be a looooooong day…
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"Mommy, Mommy, look! Look at that man over there!" pointed little Johnny.
Johnny's Mommy put her arms around her son, "Dearie, haven't I told you not to point at strangers? Even when they definitely are much different than you an – sweet Mars, look at his ears!!"
Saturos muttered something incoherent, and added them to his People Who Should Burn List. Were children – and basically people in general – so vain and shallow that they mocked the great Saturos?! The Proxian sighed, and dismissed it – little Johnny was just a child, after all.
But, alas, little Jimmy was not so lucky.
"Look, mommy, look! That man has blue face paint!"
Saturos's eye visibly twitched, and he snapped his fingers together. An orange ember soared over Saturos's head, and in a firey explosion, the ember, well, exploded. Saturos walked calmly in front of the flame; hair swaying dramatically.
It was so good to be bad.
The rest of Satty's venture was more-or-less uneventful, for the most part. So, if we'll just move right along…
Eventually, Saturos met Alex at the park. The Mercury Adept had a triumphant grin on his face, and scraps of crunched-up paper lay at his feet.
"This better be good, Alex," grumbled Saturos, "Eragon starting glowing blue and everything! It was interesting!"*
Alex shook his head; triumphant grin still a-plastered on his face. "Oh, it will be quite worth it, Saturos! I have begun Stage 1 to my evil plant – which I have called: The Evil Plan of Evil of the Evil Overlord of Evil Alex!"
Saturos's expression remained blank. "What plan?"
Alex beamed, and dragged Saturos over to the scraps of paper. "Lo and behold, my plan!!"
"You…littered…"
"Indeed!"
"You…littered…"
"Ingenious, isn't it?" he grinned. "Come, you must see why else this is evil!" Alex dragged Saturos over to a big, white sign near the edge of the grass. In big, black, bold letters, it read:
NO LITTERINGUnder Penalty of Law
Saturos was incredulous. Was Alex a complete and utter moron? He couldn't tell; he was too dumbfounded. However, he noticed something…odd about the sign, and slowly turned to his friend. "Alex…"
"Hm?" came the reply.
"Did you…read…all of the sign?" His companion shrugged. "Because…well…you might wanna…"
"Move aside!" grumbled Alex, pushing Saturos out of the way. He reread the sign carefully, his azure eyes darting left and right. Upon further inspection, he realized that the sign said in big, black, bold letters:
NO LITTERINGUnder Penalty of Law
All Violators Will Be Terminated
Your lord and master,
Frank G. Dullahan*Alex visibly blanched – turning into the color of chalk. His heartbeat slowed down from its excited and triumphant pace to a fearful, dreading one. "Quick, Satty!" said Alex, paying no heed to his friend's un-amusement to the name, "we must pick up the paper!!"
But it was too late. By the time Alex had bent down to pick them up, a puff of pink smoke poofed out of thin air, and lo and behold, 'twas Dullahan himself – bane of Golden Sun gamers everywhere. What happened next is by all means far too familiar with the said gamers.
"I am the shadow…
The keeper of light…
Ye who seek the sun's power…
Relinquish it!"
Alex whimpered.
Dullahan raised his hand, and by some means – even for a headless guy – was able to call out the phrase "True Collide!" Within a second – perhaps two – Dullahan slammed his body into Alex, sending the frail blue-haired bishounen soaring through the Weyard skies, across five Aprils, and into the Gaia Falls abyss.
Saturos merely blinked, sighed, shrugged, and went back to his book.
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* (1) – If you've never heard of and/or never read Eragon, than you have a serious need to rethink your life. Or, you just suck. Hee.
*(2) – This joke actually comes from two different sources: The "lord and master" part comes from illwillpress.com, an excellent excellent Flash site. The Frank G. Dullahan mostly comes from Evil Bob's "Protectors of the Plot Continuum GS Division", but I added the middle letter just so I could know that it belonged to me … slightly.
Anyways, you know the drill: I wrote it n' post it. You read n' review it.