Disclaimer: I do not own Golden Sun, it's characters, and it's places. They belong to Camelot and Nintendo… or … do they?!
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Alex took a long, deep sip from his coffee.
It was the morning after Saturos' little "incident" with his
soon-to-be fellow Evil Overlords Ganondorf and Andross. Alex had no idea why
his past partner-in-crime took Andross' comment so badly; there's nothing wrong
with hitting on someone's girlfriend, right?
After the trauma had finally subsided in Saturos' mind, the two Proxian lovers
had locked themselves up in Saturos' bedroom, as Saturos had told Alex and
quote "To do stuff" and unquote.
Alex didn't even want to know what kind of "stuff" they were talking
about. He shuddered involuntarily.
Anyway. Alex set his coffee back down on its kosher and flipped through the
book Andross had sent him through the convienient plot hole that Saturos had
installed in the ceiling last week: Taking Over the World for Dummies,
Volume I.
Alex eagerly flipped through the pages, looking for some new evil plans he
could add onto the Evil Plan of Evil of Evil Overlord Evil A - ....oh, forget
that. Finally, he stopped at a chapter that struck interest in him. "Manipulation
Advanced.
Perfect! he thought, I am the king of manipulation, how hard
could the Advanced level pose?
He threw his head back in pure evilness, and let out his - now trademarked -
Evil Laugh.
"Muahaha-uhuhahuhahuha!
He immediately paused and lowererd his head. "Gosh dangit, it still needs
work..." He carelessly shrugged it off and began producing several
supplies out of thin air. He grinned and cracked his knuckles eagerly.
"Skippi-dy do-dah, skippi-dy day! Time to take over the world
to-day!"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
A few minutes later, the door to Saturos' bedroom opened. Alex jumped in his seat, and quickly added the final ingredients to the concoction. He shook it up, and poured it into a soda bottle. He turned his head and greeted his companions with a smile. "Good morning, o' fair Proxans!"
Saturos grumbled something inaudible and took a seat next to Alex at the breakfast table, Menardi clinging to his arm protectively. Her eyes shifted around the room, looking for any signs of rabid fangirl.
"Uh… is that really necessary, babe? I mean-" began the Proxan.
"Hush!" snapped Menardi, her ruby eyes darting in every which way possible. "I know they're here! I can bloody smell them!"
Alex turned to Saturos, giving him a look that resembled a "What do you see in her" look. Saturos gave him a Glare of Death, and Alex promptly shut up.
"There!" shouted Menardi. She let loose a tiny ember out the window. Surprisingly, the sound of a teenage girl screaming was heard.
"Run, Dots-chan!"
"C'mon, girl!"
"I'm going as fast as I can!!"
Menardi grinned triumphantly and snuggled her head onto Saturos' shoulder. The blue-haired Proxan just recoiled his head in utter shock. "Mood swing…" he murmured.
"Yeah…" said Alex.
Menardi lifted her head from her lover's shoulder and stared at the bottle Alex had left on the table. "Is that…Vanilla Coke…?!"
Alex looked down and indeed, he had placed his concotion inside a Vanilla Coke bottle, surprisingly.
And Alex started having a thought - an evil, evil one at that.
"Why, yes Menardi…it is Vanilla Coke, isn't it?" He pushed the bottle in her direction. "Care to have some?"
Saturos cocked an eyebrow, but said nothing. Menardi unscrewed the bottle and lifted her head over the bottle. A pause.
Menardi stuck her nose into the bottle, and literally inhaled the Vanilla Coke. All of it.
Saturos' eyes were the size of tennis balls. "Holy Mars…!"
As soon as Menardi was done, er, inhaling the Vanilla Coke, she stumbled backwards, and clutched her head.
"See, I don't think the Coca-Cola Company ever had the intention of letting people inhale caffeine," said Alex very matter-of-factly. Saturos glared at him some more, and Alex backed down.
"Sweetie?" said Saturos. He rose from his seat and put his arms on his lover's shoulders. "You're alright, right?"
Menardi continued to stagger backwards, unaware of everything going around her.
Saturos glowed crimson. He spun around, and pointed a finger at Alex, "This is all your fault!"
Alex raised his finger. "Ah, au contraire, mon frère –"
"I'm not your brother, stupid."
"- …
shut up. That isn't the point! The point is – " but he was interrupted by the
sight of Menardi, who had stopped clutching her head.
Instead, she was convulsing profusedly and was twitching like a madman. Her
eyes twitched like crazy – an obvious sign of caffeine overload. Saturos
changed his expression of fury into one of concern. "Menny!" he rushed to her
aid, "what did that mean old Alex do to you?"
"Hey!"
Menardi opened her eyes. Twitch. "I…"
"Yes, what is it, dearie?"
"I…I…I…"
"What?! You don't have cancer, do you?!"
Alex beamed. "Ah, soap operas."
"I like trains!" Menardi suddenly shouted.
"Wha-" began Saturos.
"I like trains!" she said again, and fell into a fit of giggles. "I like trains! I like trains! I like trains! I like trains!"
Saturos backed away slowly, and shook his fist at Alex.
"Don't look at me!" his friend shouted back.
Saturos laughed nervously, "Look…honey…yeah, you like trains…that's nice…now, come sit on Satty's lap…"
Menardi giggled again and produced her scythe out of thin air.
"…uh oh…"
"I like trains!" she said, and took a swing at Saturos' head.
"Duck and cover!" shouted Alex, and the two friends ducked down as fast as they could. Menardi fell into another fit of giggles. She ran over to the wall and began to hack n' slash with her scythe, creating a huge hole in it.
"I like trains!!!" she shouted as she jumped into the city.
Saturos and Alex quickly rose from the floor. Saturos spun around and glared at Alex very hatefully. "What did you do to her?!"
Alex scratched his chin. "Odd. The potion was supposed to make her fall in love with me…ACK!" Alex immediately found himself being choked to death by Saturos. The Proxans eyes burned hatefully, and Alex could've sworn he saw an inferno of hate burning in his ruby eyes. Alex's face turned as blue as his hair, if not bluer.
"You son of a feminine canine! How dare you do that to poor Menny! Why, if I could have my way – "
"Can't…breathe…"
"- then you wouldn't even have been born, you dirty person! And I swear by the name of Mars, – "
"Suffocating…"
"-Kirin, Meteor, and Tiamat that I will kill you!!"
"…dark…ness…"
Saturos reluctantly released his grip on Alex's throat and took several deep breaths.
Alex chuckled. "Relax, Saturos. I know how to reverse the effects of that potion…OF EVIL!!!"
Saturos punched him in the face.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Several minutes later, Alex was back on his feet, and a black eye the size of Texas. "Okay. So you have some pent up rage…"
"Shut up before I stab your face off.*"
"…but they have help for people like you." Saturos' body enveloped itself in the same eerie crimson glow, and Alex began to laugh nervously. "Of course, you don't need it Saturos…hehehe…hahaha!" The aura surrounding Saturos faded, and Alex let loose a sigh of relief.
"Look. We can look for her."
Saturos blinked. "We don't know where the heck she is now, man…"
"I'm aware of that. Which is why such a thing called a 'plot device' exists in this world. Observe!" He snapped his fingers, and the TV set in the apartment immediately turned on.
"This is WBC – the Weyard Broadcasting Company – News at 9. I'm Weya Allgunadai, and I'm coming to you LIVE from … somewhere! In breaking news, a strange, temperamental Proxan has appeared in the park, beheading random people for no apparent reason and shouting 'I like trains!' every second or so. The police have tried to subdue this woman, which we will go to now…"
…"Halt!" shouted a policeman, pointing his dinky handgun at Menardi. Menardi was laughing like a loon, and stumbled her way over to the police force.
"Don't come any closer! We will shoot!" said the leader.
"I like trains?" said Menardi, tilting her head.
"Er…" said the head policeman, looking at his fellow officers, "…yes…we come in peace! We like trains, too!"
Menardi was silent for a moment. She blinked and hunched her scythe over her shoulder.
WOOSH! Off went the leader's head.
The psycho-Proxan laughed again. "I like trains! HAHAHAHAHAHA!" WHAM! Some random bodies just lost their heads.
The camera focused back on Weya Allgunadai. "As you can see, the situation looks pretty grim. We are all going to be beheaded horribly, painfully, and …well, not slowly…rather quickly, actually…anyways, I'm Weya Allgunadai, and here is Rei Ni Deis with the weather."
The TV went off. Saturos grimached. "Oooh, boy. Alex, what the eff did you put in that bottle?"
Alex scratched his chin. "Oh, you know. Three bags of sugar, some AXE aerospray, various illegal substances, a dissolved Cupid's arrow…funny, Cupid's arrow doesn't have much effect on Proxans…"
"Oh, stow it," said Saturos, "let's just go save Menny."
"Aye-aye, lover boy."
"I'll stab you in the shins if you don't just shut up."
"Agreed."
Saturos nodded and grabbed Alex's hand. The blue-haired bishounen shut his eyes and focused his extensive powers onto a simple Teleport spell, and the two disappeared in a flash of blue light.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Faster then a seagull to food, Saturos and Alex appeared in the chaos that was the park. Firemen were hosing down burning foliage, children were crying, the sky was as black as night, and lightning flashed in the sky.
Alex had a huge grin on his face right now.
"Oh, gods, yes! I had no idea that a single fluke could turn out so perfect! Ha-ha!" he laughed triumphantly. "Chaos. Disorder. Truly I am good enough to be an Evil Overlord!"
Suddenly, by the will of that crazy higher being known as an "author", Saturos was suddenly wearing a Philosophy!Hat. "Ah, but when you say you are good at being Evil, aren't you reinstating yourself?"
Alex blinked. "Wha?"
The sage-like Saturos raised his pointer finger. "By saying that you are good at being evil, you are really just redefining who you are. As such, one cannot be bad at the metaphysical representation of the concept of good. Therefore, it is only natural that one can only be good at being good, and bad at being evil." He lowered his index finger in a very sage-like manner.
Alex clutched his head instinctively. "My braaaaaaain hurts…."
The Philosophy!Hat disappeared from Saturos' head, and he stumbled a bit, dizzy. "Woah…I feel like… I just lost alotta smarts… that are in the … brain …"
"Er, right, Satty. Now, do you want to save Menardi or not?"
Saturos suddenly looked heroic. "Avast, ye lad! I shallth beth rescueth thy fair lady. Tally-ho!" and he rushed off to find his beloved.
Alex scratched his head. "Uh…you're going the wrong way!" he called out. The Mercury Adept let out a yelp as a fireball was aimed towards his head and promptly ducked.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
"I like trains! I like trains!" shouted Menardi, beheading another random passerby. She giggled again, and spun around dizzily. "I like trains!"
Saturos and Alex popped their heads out from the bush. "Well, I think it's safe to say we've found her." Said Alex.
"Indeed."
The two friends leapt out of the bush and ran towards Saturos' beloved. The blonde haired vixen let out another deranged laugh and raised her scythe. "I like trains!"
"Yes…we know you do, honey…" said Saturos. He turned to Alex. "So, what's this plan of yours?"
"Oh, nothing much." Shrugged Alex. "Just involves me trying to dispel the concoction –"
"Sounds simple enough!" said Saturos.
" – and lots of pain on your part."
"…that doesn't sound so good anymore. But, anything to save Menny. I guess." Saturos drew his sword and he and Menardi began an epic battle of LURVE. Jeez, that was cheesy. Anyway, scythe clashed against sword as the two lovers fought each other – one bitterly and sorrowfully, the other with glee and insanity. All the while, Alex was in a meditating position, chanting something inaudible. His body was soon enveloped in a light blue glow. Time seemed to slow down as he rose from the ground and raised his hand.
"Halt!" he shouted.
Menardi became as stiff as a board, and fell to the ground. She was cured.
"What?!" shouted Saturos, "that's it?!"
Alex chuckled nervously. "Well, uh…yeah, it is. See… hey, don't look at me like that!" he said, trying his best to avoid the fire that was shooting out of Saturos' eyes. "It isn't easy trying to cast a spell that isn't of your alignment in a few seconds! It takes awhile!"
"Yes, but this could have been avoided completely if it weren't for you!" he shouted. He raised his hand and cast a small Flare spell on Alex. The Mercury Adept's hair soon was covered in tiny embers.
"Ooooh, my hair's on fire!" he said blissfully, totally unaware of his situation. Saturos blinked, shrugged, and lifted his beloved onto his shoulder. He stroke her hair carefully and started to make his way back to the apartment, Alex close behind. It wasn't long until –
"My hair's on fire!!!" shouted Alex, running around in circles frantically and flailing his arms wildly.
Saturos smirked. "Sucker."
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* ~ Comes from 8-Bit Theater's Black Mage.
Reviewer Responses
[ Pureauthor ] ~ Well, hope this chapter constitutes enough Evil on Alex's part for you.
[ Joker's Specter ] ~ Well, I used a lot of Menardi in this chapter b'cause she was just introduced rather abruptly and all. Also, I don't really know if I should include Bowser or not. He may be the father of video game villains, but he hasn't done anything notedly evil…
[ The Faction's Lord ] ~ Yeah, well, Legendary Frog's stuff is so good that it makes great opportunities to rip on! ^_^;;
[ Lu Xun 88 ] ~ Since when did you change your penname? 0_o;; Er, anyway, glad you like this idea, but yet you hate Alex. I guess this appeals to both Alex-lusters and haters, after all.
[ Vyctori ] ~ O_O WOW! You reviewed my fanfic! Suh-weet. Yes, Alex really is disturbingly pathetic in this story, huh? And as you said earlier this week, I'm glad you think that this story is absolute genius! ::dances::
Frostic one ~ Mm. Bill Gates is the evil. Must kill.
[ Allexandra Radcliffe ] ~ Yeah, well, I wasn't sure about the Proxshipping at first, but I decided to go along with it anyway. And there's no need to think of evil people; I already have all the Evil Overlords decided. ::evil grin::
[ Bass GSX ] ~ Ready and updated!
[ magical-flyingdragon ] ~ Agreed. I definitely have had some more evil tendencies since I began writing this.
[ DarkSora ] ~ Yeah, Alex can be pretty cool – depending on the situation.
That about wraps up this chapter. Will Alex ever succeed in his plans for Evil? Let's hope not. ^^;
Now, review, lest you suffer stabbity death.