Author's Notes: The only thing I beg of you.... Be so kind: read and review.
I hear her alarm beeping and it knocks me out of my sleeping state. Damn alarm. I could have still been sleeping had I stayed home. But then Kathryn kicked me out. So there's no point in wishing to sleep. I hear the alarm shut off and then go crashing to the floor. She's probably tired too. I push the thin sheet off my body and throw it on the edge of the couch. I walk toward the kitchen and put on a pot of coffee. We're both going to need it. After that's done, I push toward her bedroom. She's sleeping on the left side of the bed. I can vaguely remember that being my side. But that's all in the past now. I wish it wasn't. I walk toward her. She's lying in complete disarray. I plop down on the empty side and she looks at me and rolls her eyes. I poke at her side.
"Rise and shine, sleeping beauty."
She starts to laugh little.
"You are hardly prince charming."
I start to push her back toward the edge of the bed. She keeps on moaning in defense of herself but she's too tired to do anything. I give her one last push and she goes flying off the edge of the bed. Of course she latched onto me at the last minute. I go flying over the edge too. I land on top of her giggling form.
"Okay get OFF. It's the other way around."
I pull myself off her and stand up, giving her my hand and she takes it. She stands up and pushes the hair out of her face.
"I'm going to take a shower."
I nod my head and she heads off toward the bathroom. I go to the kitchen. She's untouchable. I pour myself a cup of coffee and flip on my phone. I have three messages. All probably from Kat. I don't feel like dealing with her right now. We'll get together after work or something and talk. I sit down at the table and pick up one of the books that was lying to the side. I start to flip through it, all the things I learned in medical school but forgot. I hear the water shut off and then the sound of bare wet feet hitting wooden floors. She comes out and sits down next to me, hair still wet, towel wrapped around her body.
"I need coffee. I can't function."
She takes the cup of coffee from my hand and takes a sip, cringing a bit at the bitter taste. I like black coffee. She puts it back in front of me and heads toward the bathroom once again. I hear the sound of a blow dryer. She's the only one that can get ready in under 10 minutes and still look fantastic. I put the book back onto the pile which I had originally taken it. I walk back toward the couch where I had left my shirt earlier in the night. She's running around in a pair of pants and a bra on, searching for some shirt. Her hair is pinned up and I have the sudden urge to let it fall to her shoulders. I would have pushed her to the bed and made love to her like we used to do. I can't. I'm the one that pushed her away. I'm the one that placed myself in this awkward position. I'm drawn to her. I've always been drawn to her. I will always be drawn to her. Maybe our relationship wasn't exactly what I had expected. But I learned that no relationship is ever like that. I had to learn that the hard way. I don't know. That first kiss had taken all of the courage I had. I always tell myself I did it because we could have died, but we were lucky. I don't know, it was the best mistake I have ever made.
She finally finishes and sits down next to me on the sofa.
"Good luck."
She laughs a little.
"I'm gonna need it."
I pull a thread out of the hem of her shirt.
"You'll be fine."
She flips through the note cards and then put them in her bag. She throws her cell phone and her keys inside it as well.
"Stay as long as you want. Wash the dishes and make my bed. I'll see you later."
I throw a pillow at her on her way out. She's crazy if she things I'm going to clean her apartment. I get up and take the pillows and go into her bedroom. I pick hers up and fix them like they were before. I pull the sheet across the bed and tuck it in. It looks good. I throw her clothes into the laundry hamper and go back to the kitchen to get another cup of coffee. I pour water over the dirty dishes and grab the sponge. There's only a few in there. It takes me a second or two to fix her kitchen up. I walk toward the shower and put on the running water. I step in and take a quick shower before heading off for my shift, which starts in about an hour. I don't know why I feel more at home here, then at my own house. I wish I knew what she was thinking.
I shut the lights off and make sure everything else is off. I close her door behind me and start down the stairs. I say hi to one of her neighbors as I leave and she smiles back at me. She's an old lady. I've met her on a few occasions. She thinks we're married, but we've never said anything against it. We're afraid it might confuse her. She grew up from the fifties, where monogamy was gods' word. We've changed a bit since that time.
I was going to take the L, but I have time and I need a walk. The air is warm, but its going to rain later tonight. I make it to the ER in about half an hour and I pop into the lounge to find Sam sitting at the desk, filling out charts.
"Hey."
She looks up and smiles.
"Hey."
I put my bag and everything else into my locker and leave her to her work. I'm not on for another twenty minutes. They are probably still on rounds right now. Maybe I can hunt down the attending and listen to some of the medical students look stupid in front of authority. I've done it myself. I hear Kerry's screeching over the hustle and bustle of the ER. I follow her voice and she's lecturing some of the residents on diagnosis techniques. I spot Abby away in the corner of the room and I walk toward her.
"So... How'd it go?"
She shrugs her shoulder but I think she's holding back a smile.
"I don't know."
She hands me a chart for the patient she's working on and I pull a pen out of her side pocket. I skim the chart and sign off. Weaver's crutch hits the floor as she comes closer to us.
"Great job, Abby. I'm glad you're here with us. Patients should feel lucky to have you over these morons."
I look at Abby. I have never been complemented by Weaver. She must be doing something right. She's trying to suppress a grin, but I nudge her and she lets it out.
"Congrats."
She rolls her eyes but laughs.
"Remind me why you went back to medical school?"
She places the chart in the bin and starts to walk toward the admit desk.
"Because you dumped me, went off to Africa, found yourself a new girlfriend, and I had nothing better to do with my time."
I hear the bitter end to that sentence, although I know she wanted it to come out as a joke, it never does. It probably never will.
"And I thought it was because you finally realize you would make a wonderful doctor."
She starts to walk away and I follow on her heels. I hate this awkward moments. They don't happen a lot, but when they do, I have never said anything. I just let it dissipate. I take her arm and lead her into an empty exam room. I push her away from the door and hold her shoulders stable in front of me.
"I'm sorry."
She looks down at the floor then up at me once again.
"I am too."
I know I hurt her. It took me a while to realize it over the tough, impenetrable cover she has. I really hurt her. She wanted to stay strong, but there are times when we both have to give in. I want this to be one of those times. I want the weak, defenseless Abby back for at least a second. I want to see her cry. I want to hold her and wipe away her tears and tell her everything's going to be okay.
"Abby . . . "
She takes my hand gently and pushes it away from her body.
"Friends. That's all we can ever be."
It stabs me through my heart, but I keep holding on to her limp hand.
"I know."
She lets go of my hand and starts to walk toward the door.
"Best friends."
I move closer to her. My hand rests on her shoulder.
"Lovers."
I lean in for a kiss. My lips meet hers in a subtle, almost awkward tone that sends shocks through my spine. She breaks away but her fingers linger on my cheek for a second longer.
"Love."
She starts to shake her head.
"I can't do this. I'm sorry."
I take her hand and pull her back to me.
"I'm not asking you to do anything but feel."
She looks around. She needs something to focus on. I know she's defeated. She walks closer to me and wraps her arms around my waist. Her head rests on my chest, and my hands run up and down her back. I've wanted to hold her like this for so long.
"We can't do this. You know we can't do this."
I let the barrette that was holding her hair up go and her blonde hair cascades unto her shoulders. I pull it back from her face. She looks like a goddess.
"Don't think."
I hear her sigh and the world stops moving.
"I can't do this all again."
I give her one last squeeze and a kiss on her forehead. It's the closest thing I'm going to get to being with her.
"I'm sorry."
She hangs onto me for a second, and I hold on to her. It feels so perfect, but then it feels so wrong at the same time. A memory of so much pain. She leans up. Her lips on my skin burn through any emotions. A simple kiss on the cheek. It meant so much more to me.
"Friends."
I watch her walk away from me, giving me one last glace back as she opens the door. At least now I know I'm not alone.
I hear her alarm beeping and it knocks me out of my sleeping state. Damn alarm. I could have still been sleeping had I stayed home. But then Kathryn kicked me out. So there's no point in wishing to sleep. I hear the alarm shut off and then go crashing to the floor. She's probably tired too. I push the thin sheet off my body and throw it on the edge of the couch. I walk toward the kitchen and put on a pot of coffee. We're both going to need it. After that's done, I push toward her bedroom. She's sleeping on the left side of the bed. I can vaguely remember that being my side. But that's all in the past now. I wish it wasn't. I walk toward her. She's lying in complete disarray. I plop down on the empty side and she looks at me and rolls her eyes. I poke at her side.
"Rise and shine, sleeping beauty."
She starts to laugh little.
"You are hardly prince charming."
I start to push her back toward the edge of the bed. She keeps on moaning in defense of herself but she's too tired to do anything. I give her one last push and she goes flying off the edge of the bed. Of course she latched onto me at the last minute. I go flying over the edge too. I land on top of her giggling form.
"Okay get OFF. It's the other way around."
I pull myself off her and stand up, giving her my hand and she takes it. She stands up and pushes the hair out of her face.
"I'm going to take a shower."
I nod my head and she heads off toward the bathroom. I go to the kitchen. She's untouchable. I pour myself a cup of coffee and flip on my phone. I have three messages. All probably from Kat. I don't feel like dealing with her right now. We'll get together after work or something and talk. I sit down at the table and pick up one of the books that was lying to the side. I start to flip through it, all the things I learned in medical school but forgot. I hear the water shut off and then the sound of bare wet feet hitting wooden floors. She comes out and sits down next to me, hair still wet, towel wrapped around her body.
"I need coffee. I can't function."
She takes the cup of coffee from my hand and takes a sip, cringing a bit at the bitter taste. I like black coffee. She puts it back in front of me and heads toward the bathroom once again. I hear the sound of a blow dryer. She's the only one that can get ready in under 10 minutes and still look fantastic. I put the book back onto the pile which I had originally taken it. I walk back toward the couch where I had left my shirt earlier in the night. She's running around in a pair of pants and a bra on, searching for some shirt. Her hair is pinned up and I have the sudden urge to let it fall to her shoulders. I would have pushed her to the bed and made love to her like we used to do. I can't. I'm the one that pushed her away. I'm the one that placed myself in this awkward position. I'm drawn to her. I've always been drawn to her. I will always be drawn to her. Maybe our relationship wasn't exactly what I had expected. But I learned that no relationship is ever like that. I had to learn that the hard way. I don't know. That first kiss had taken all of the courage I had. I always tell myself I did it because we could have died, but we were lucky. I don't know, it was the best mistake I have ever made.
She finally finishes and sits down next to me on the sofa.
"Good luck."
She laughs a little.
"I'm gonna need it."
I pull a thread out of the hem of her shirt.
"You'll be fine."
She flips through the note cards and then put them in her bag. She throws her cell phone and her keys inside it as well.
"Stay as long as you want. Wash the dishes and make my bed. I'll see you later."
I throw a pillow at her on her way out. She's crazy if she things I'm going to clean her apartment. I get up and take the pillows and go into her bedroom. I pick hers up and fix them like they were before. I pull the sheet across the bed and tuck it in. It looks good. I throw her clothes into the laundry hamper and go back to the kitchen to get another cup of coffee. I pour water over the dirty dishes and grab the sponge. There's only a few in there. It takes me a second or two to fix her kitchen up. I walk toward the shower and put on the running water. I step in and take a quick shower before heading off for my shift, which starts in about an hour. I don't know why I feel more at home here, then at my own house. I wish I knew what she was thinking.
I shut the lights off and make sure everything else is off. I close her door behind me and start down the stairs. I say hi to one of her neighbors as I leave and she smiles back at me. She's an old lady. I've met her on a few occasions. She thinks we're married, but we've never said anything against it. We're afraid it might confuse her. She grew up from the fifties, where monogamy was gods' word. We've changed a bit since that time.
I was going to take the L, but I have time and I need a walk. The air is warm, but its going to rain later tonight. I make it to the ER in about half an hour and I pop into the lounge to find Sam sitting at the desk, filling out charts.
"Hey."
She looks up and smiles.
"Hey."
I put my bag and everything else into my locker and leave her to her work. I'm not on for another twenty minutes. They are probably still on rounds right now. Maybe I can hunt down the attending and listen to some of the medical students look stupid in front of authority. I've done it myself. I hear Kerry's screeching over the hustle and bustle of the ER. I follow her voice and she's lecturing some of the residents on diagnosis techniques. I spot Abby away in the corner of the room and I walk toward her.
"So... How'd it go?"
She shrugs her shoulder but I think she's holding back a smile.
"I don't know."
She hands me a chart for the patient she's working on and I pull a pen out of her side pocket. I skim the chart and sign off. Weaver's crutch hits the floor as she comes closer to us.
"Great job, Abby. I'm glad you're here with us. Patients should feel lucky to have you over these morons."
I look at Abby. I have never been complemented by Weaver. She must be doing something right. She's trying to suppress a grin, but I nudge her and she lets it out.
"Congrats."
She rolls her eyes but laughs.
"Remind me why you went back to medical school?"
She places the chart in the bin and starts to walk toward the admit desk.
"Because you dumped me, went off to Africa, found yourself a new girlfriend, and I had nothing better to do with my time."
I hear the bitter end to that sentence, although I know she wanted it to come out as a joke, it never does. It probably never will.
"And I thought it was because you finally realize you would make a wonderful doctor."
She starts to walk away and I follow on her heels. I hate this awkward moments. They don't happen a lot, but when they do, I have never said anything. I just let it dissipate. I take her arm and lead her into an empty exam room. I push her away from the door and hold her shoulders stable in front of me.
"I'm sorry."
She looks down at the floor then up at me once again.
"I am too."
I know I hurt her. It took me a while to realize it over the tough, impenetrable cover she has. I really hurt her. She wanted to stay strong, but there are times when we both have to give in. I want this to be one of those times. I want the weak, defenseless Abby back for at least a second. I want to see her cry. I want to hold her and wipe away her tears and tell her everything's going to be okay.
"Abby . . . "
She takes my hand gently and pushes it away from her body.
"Friends. That's all we can ever be."
It stabs me through my heart, but I keep holding on to her limp hand.
"I know."
She lets go of my hand and starts to walk toward the door.
"Best friends."
I move closer to her. My hand rests on her shoulder.
"Lovers."
I lean in for a kiss. My lips meet hers in a subtle, almost awkward tone that sends shocks through my spine. She breaks away but her fingers linger on my cheek for a second longer.
"Love."
She starts to shake her head.
"I can't do this. I'm sorry."
I take her hand and pull her back to me.
"I'm not asking you to do anything but feel."
She looks around. She needs something to focus on. I know she's defeated. She walks closer to me and wraps her arms around my waist. Her head rests on my chest, and my hands run up and down her back. I've wanted to hold her like this for so long.
"We can't do this. You know we can't do this."
I let the barrette that was holding her hair up go and her blonde hair cascades unto her shoulders. I pull it back from her face. She looks like a goddess.
"Don't think."
I hear her sigh and the world stops moving.
"I can't do this all again."
I give her one last squeeze and a kiss on her forehead. It's the closest thing I'm going to get to being with her.
"I'm sorry."
She hangs onto me for a second, and I hold on to her. It feels so perfect, but then it feels so wrong at the same time. A memory of so much pain. She leans up. Her lips on my skin burn through any emotions. A simple kiss on the cheek. It meant so much more to me.
"Friends."
I watch her walk away from me, giving me one last glace back as she opens the door. At least now I know I'm not alone.