KG: Hello! I've bee writing in my notebook a lot and now I've finally gotten it typed up. I decided to put in some Junzumi in here, hope you enjoy it! Oh yeah, I don't own digimon, just my ideas for fanfics and fanarts.
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Do you love me or not?—What's the Difference?
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No... He couldn't be right. He was my brother, I couldn't be in love with him. Yet despite this, I could not get the image of him asleep out of my mind... or the idea of how cute it looked. No! I shouldn't be thinking that way!
"K-Kouji, I have to go. I have to clean up the house... I'll see you later." I couldn't stop running away...
"Yeah... sure," I didn't even look at him when he said that, by then I was already out the door.
I looked up at the afternoon sky, not really caring where I was running to. I began to run faster, as if I could run away from my problems, but I knew I couldn't. I eventually got to my house. I quickly unlocked the door and ran upstairs into my room, only to resume my previous place on the bed. I buried my face into my pillow again, it felt so soft and warm... kind of like Kouji's lips...
"Aargh!" I quickly tossed the pillow over the side of my bed. No!! I had to stop thinking like that! I already felt bad about hurting him before, but this time I didn't only feel bad... I felt a deep hurt as well.
You know you like him, that's why it hurts this time.
"NO!!" even as I yelled that out at myself, I felt my eyes begin to grow warm and well up with tears...
"It wouldn't be right! No one would accept it!" I yelled, again at myself.
No one? Kouji would, he loves you.
The tears began to cascade down my face as I though that. I buried my face into my mattress now, since I had tossed my pillow aside earlier. I can't... I can't...
Why make it painful for both of you? Why don't you just say you love him too and make him and yourself happy?
Just shut up already! Great, now I was even arguing against myself... I hate it when that happens...
I turned over to my left side and stared at my drawer. Well, not really. More specifically, I stared at the photographs I had placed on it. My gaze first fell on the one that we had taken some time after we got back from the digital world. Takuya, Tomoki, Junpei, Izumi, Kouji and I were all together, smiling and laughing. That was all it had looked like before, the six of us being happy and having a good time, but this time I noticed something else that had not caught my attention before. Kouji. I looked closely at Kouji and realized that he was looking at me, but with an adoring sort of look. My eyes quickly shifted over to the picture next to it. This picture was of only Kouji and me together. We had taken it a few weeks after the first picture. I looked to his face and found the same adoring look as before.
Just how long had he been feeling this way?
I let out a sigh as I turned onto my back and now began to stare at the ceiling. It was a calming sort of blue... the same color as my eyes, and Kouji's...
"Aargh!" Why can't I stop thinking about him? I need to clear my mind, I should get some fresh air.... maybe I should take a walk.
I slowly managed to drag my body out of bed. I shot a quick glance out my window, it looked like the wind was blowing now... it would be cold. I began to look through my closet for a sweater or sweatshirt to wear. I quickly settled on a maroon sweatshirt and began to walk downstairs and out the door, locking it behind me. I decided the best the place for a walk would be the park, so I headed off towards it.
I could feel the wind picking up speed as it blew my blue hair back and lifted it off my neck. The wind reached back at my neck, making it tickle and bringing a smile to my lips. I turned the corner, which then led to the park. The park had a wide path with trees lining either side of it. It was a really nice sight especially when the trees were in bloom with their light pink and white blossoms. After a few minutes, I came across a large tree and noticed Izumi and Junpei sitting beneath it, having a picnic together. I smiled, they were both so happy just being with each other. Izumi's eyes looked over in my direction and I saw her smile.
"Kouichi! Why don't you come join us?" asked Izumi.
"Yeah! Kouichi, it's been a while!" How true... I hadn't seen anyone else besides Kouji for the past two weeks or so. I decided to join them, I walked over and settled myself on the red and white-checkered cloth. Izumi reached into their picnic basket and offered me a sandwich, which I accepted. I unwrapped the sandwich and began to eat it, all while thinking about earlier today. I noticed Izumi and Junpei exchange looks of concern.
"Kouichi, is something troubling you?"
"Yeah, you seem kind of out of it today..."
I swallowed the piece of sandwich in my mouth and let out a sigh, "How do you know when you love somebody?" That was what was bothering me, I had to know whether I loved Kouji or not.
Junpei and Izumi both pondered while looking at each other.
"Well..."
"We know we like being together and making each other happy..." Junpei began.
"We also enjoy each other's company and we support each other. One of us has a problem, then we can talk to each other about it and try to find a solution together..."
I nodded, even though what they said didn't really seem to help me out much.
"... There's also a different feeling that we really can't explain, but it just makes us so happy, being together," finished Junpei. At this point, Izumi gave me a knowing kind of look.
"Kouichi, is there someone that you think you love?" I wasn't all that surprised to hear her ask me that, but all the same my face became flushed as I slowly nodded my head.
"I really don't know who it is but I won't ask if you don't want to say it, all I'll say is that if you love that person, you'll know," Izumi reassured as she gave me a comforting hug. She was right, I guess love just has it's own way of taking it's time to let you know it's there. I thanked them both as I finished the last of my sandwich and got up to continue my walk.
I walked on the path for a while longer until I came across a large cherry tree, this one still had quit a few light green leaves mixed in with its now red and yellow ones. I knew that this tree was the first one that would bloom in the spring and the last to lose its leaves in the fall, it was the oldest tree in the park and my favorite one at that. I would always come there to sit beneath it and think or just relax. I sat in my usual position between the two large roots that were raised almost like armrests.
I thought now about my conversation with Izumi and Junpei. I enjoyed Kouji's company, being with him, I wanted him to be happy, I wanted to help him whenever I could and all the other things they had mentioned, but weren't those the kinds of things that brothers did? I mean, how could I tell if what I was feeling was brotherly love or something else? What exactly was it that set the love that couples feel that sets it apart from family love? I though about the last thing they had also included, an unexplainable feeling that made them so happy... what was it? I faintly remember some strange floaty feelings I had experienced while near Kouji in the past.
'All I'll say is that if you love that person, you'll know.'
Okay, but when? When will I know?
I turned my eyes to the sky, which was now lined with many puffy snow pure white cumulus clouds that seemed to have a light of their own. Light...
I sighed, my thoughts had been driven back to Kouji again and this afternoon. I felt my face grow red as I thought about when he was kissing me. To be honest with myself, I had actually like the feeling of Kouji's lips on mine until I had actually shaken myself out of my drowsiness. They were so warm and soft and he was so gentle while he was doing it.
'Is that the only reason you keep pushing me away?! Because I'm your brother?'
'If you love that person, you'll know.'
They were both right, I had only pushed him away because he was my brother, and I knew I had loved him... but I didn't want to admit it to myself because I was worried of what others would think, I understood all of that now. My love had been sort of mild back when I first liked him so I bottled it up and ignored it without much of a struggle, but when Kouji told asked straight out if I only pushed him away because of our relation it triggered my feelings and became harder to suppress them. I began to mentally argue with myself and kept on feeling awful because I was trying to push away something that I really wanted. But not anymore, I knew that I loved him now.
I knew it would still be hard for others to accept it when they found out, but Kouji and I could find a solution to this together. The only thing I could do right now is try to apologize to Kouji for being so stubborn and tell him that I loved him too. But now I was wondering how I could possibly tell him after I had run away again...
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KG: There, got through this, I realize that I had made Kouji OOC in first chapter. I really couldn't help it, I tend to do that without really thinking, gomen. I'll try to not do it so often and keep on doing the best I can on this fic. Sayonara!