I couldn't have heard Jackie right. Engaged? To Kelso? It was just plain sick and wrong. Sure, they'd been off and on for years, but they weren't ever supposed to work out. To commit. Not to mention the fact that we were all still in high school, for God's sake. None of us are old enough to get married, especially Jackie, the youngest of us all. Which was exactly the line of thought that prompted my question of "What?" Or, rather, "WHAT?!"

Unfortunately, when I opened my mouth, I could force no sound out, so it remained hanging open, making me look like some kind of loser. Like some kind of Kelso.

"Excuse me?" Forman said, finally breaking the stunned silence. "You're what?"

"Engaged," Kelso said, looking at Forman like HE was the idiot in the room. "Jeez, you should really get your hearing checked or something."

Jackie smiled sweetly, patiently, at her soon-to-be husband. "I think maybe they're just, you know, like, really surprised. It is sort of sudden. I mean, we did just get back together. But," she said, directing this part of her speech at us, "Michael and I are perfect together. I mean, we're both beautiful and popular. And even though he may have made some mistakes, he promises he won't cheat on me ever again."

"Jesus, Jackie!" Donna cut in. "Don't you think maybe you're a little young for marriage?"

"Well, Donna. We aren't actually getting married until after we both graduate."

"You mean after Kelso's cheated on you a few more times?" I couldn't help but ask sarcastically.

Kelso turned on me. "I'm not--" But he was interrupted by the entrance of Fez, who looked as if he had seen a ghost. "You guys, you guys!" he screamed. "Someone stole my candy!"

"Someone stole your candy," Forman repeated.

"Yes, you loof! Someone stole my candy. Hurry, hurry! We must stop them." He frantically clawed at Jackie's wrist. "Come on! They are getting away!"

"Ow, Fez! Stop it!" Jackie screeched. "We are not going to get your candy back. Buy some more."

"But he stole my candy!"

"We're not going after candy," said Kelso. "Plus, we've got some news."

"Yeah, Fez," agreed Jackie. "Me and Michael are getting--"

Fez interrupted, screaming, "My candy! And my porn magazines!"

Kelso looked wide-eyed at Fez. "Ooh, porn! Let's go! We can't let them get away with this." And with that, the foreign kid and the dumb kid rushed out the door, ignoring Jackie Burkhardt's protests.

She slumped down on the couch beside me. "I'll have to retrain him," she began muttering.

"So," I asked loudly. "You are Kelso are engaged?"

She smiled happily. "Yes. We are."

"How'd he get you back? Let me guess: got you eally drunk, then slipped the ring on your finger, and then he said that you said you'd marry him."

"No," she snapped at me. "He hasn't actually gotten me a ring yet. He can't afford one. But he got back with me in a very romantic way. And he proposed in a very romantic way."

Forman snorted at this point. "He serenaded her."

I laughed. "He did?"

"Yeah," said Donna, grinning. "I think it went something like, 'Oh Jackie, you're so pretty. Oh, Jackie Burkhardt, don't break my heart, Oh Jackie be with me, Jackie, Jackie, Jackie, I love you, you love me too, because Jackie, I'm pretty.'"

I looked disbelievingly at Jackie. "And you bought that?"

"It was sweet."

"So how'd he propose?"

"He took me to the mall, and in the middle of it, got down on one knee, and said, 'Jackie, I want to be with you forever. Marry me. I love you.'"

"That is sort of romantic," agreed Donna. "Don't you think so, Hyde?"

I arched my eyebrow at her. "Whatever."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"'Jackie, I want to be with you forever'? I can't believe she fell for that, man," I said as the four of us guys sat in the circle. "And in the middle of the mall?"

Forman laughed. "Donna keeps looking at me funny. I think she thinks I'm gonna propose." He coughed. "I'm not."

"I want my candy," pouted Fez.

"I wanted those magazines," replied Kelso.

"I think she might want me to propose," said Forman. "But I can't tell."

"No, seriously, man. 'I want to be with you forever'? What is that? Why would you propose?"

Kelso turned to me. "Jackie said she wasn't going to do it with me unless I committed. So I was, like, in the mall with her, and I got this idea that, like, proposing is committing, right? So now she'll do it with me. Win-win."

"But you don't actually want to marry her. How is that win-win?" I wondered.

"I get to do it with her! That's double the win for me."

Fez yelled, "DAMN THOSE CANDY THIEVES! DAMN YOU!"

"I don't know. Maybe I should propose." Forman frowned. "No. No. I'm being ridiculous. Donna doesn't want me to propose." A pause. "Does she?" He laughed. "Hey, is that wall moving?"

"You don't want to be with her forever?" I asked Kelso.

He shrugged. "I don't know."

"Oh."

After that, all was silence, except for the sobs coming from Fez's corner of "My poor, poor candy."

I couldn't help but think that we had bigger problems.