A/N: See Harm. See Harm angst. Angst, Harm, angst!
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Mac's Apartment, Georgetown
Harm
Sitting on the floor of Mac's apartment, I stare at the manila envelope she left me. I want desperately to know what's in it, but if I open it, it's over. She's gone.
I laugh bitterly at my own naiveté. The funeral is over. She's gone whether I open it or not. I give the wooden box on the coffee table a long look, then pinch the prongs holding the envelope flap closed and reach in to pull out a few sheets of white paper and a legal pad. The white paper is on top, so I start there.
Dear Harm,
If you're reading this, it means I didn't come back. First off, you have to know I chose to go on this mission. It was strictly voluntary. I can hear you now, mocking the Marine Corps need to 'storm the beaches' at every opportunity. It's funny, but from where I've been sitting it looks like you're the one who's always storming the beaches. You're the most aggressive lawyer I've ever met. I think it comes from being a pilot. You fly high and shoot straight. I've always admired that.
Second, I have to apologize. There are a lot of things in here I wanted to say face to face, but the time was never right. My only real regret, of the many stupid things I've done in my life, is that I never told you how much you truly mean to me. There are so many things about you I aspire to and admire. You asked me why I followed you halfway around the world. I would have followed you all the way around it.
Why, though. That's a complicated question. When we came back from Russia, I did what I'm prone to do when I hit a problem I can't solve: I made a list. After a fair amount of deliberation, I included it here for you to read. Understand that I didn't write it for you, so it might not all make sense. There are points on that list I made when I was furious with you, and points I made when I was so glad to know you I couldn't see straight. I hope when you read it you'll understand why so many of those things were left unsaid. Some would have damaged our friendship; others would have crossed the firm line of propriety we kept between us to the very end.
As for you, I can only hope you keep doing what you do best. I know how much you want to go back to flying, and there's a part of me that wants you to go. The rest of me says you should stay right where you are. You have a great career, Harm, and men's shoes are much more comfortable than women's. I won't suggest you go out and find a good man, but you did tell me once that you wanted a family. If you ever decide to do anything in my memory, have that family and think of me sometimes while you're dancing with your wife or playing basketball with your kids. That family was my fondest wish. Take care of them.
There's not much else I can say that isn't on that list, so I'll just end this like I ought to have begun that day in the rose garden. Green light, Commander.
All my love,
Sarah Mackenzie
I'm not sure how many tears I can possibly have left, even as more of them make tracks down my cheeks. I wanted that family, but I wanted it with her. Damn it all, I never got to tell her that. She deserved to hear it. She deserved to know that my fondest wish was that family, too. She deserved to know how much I loved her. And I, coward that I am, never got up the nerve to say it. Damn.
The first page of the legal pad is headed 'Things I never told my partner'. The date next to the entry puts this at just after we returned from Russia.
'I'm in love with him.'
The very first entry. I can actually hear my heart break.
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Desert, Middle East (Coordinates Unknown)
Mac
Andie is sprawled across the whole back seat of the jeep; I think she's asleep. I'm making polite conversation in falsely accented English with the British soldier who offered us a ride into Kalik. He's polite and well-spoken and absolutely gorgeous. If I weren't head over heels for Harm, I could very easily fall for this guy.
Andie and I are keeping our cover that we're a couple of Russian peacekeepers who got separated from our company. Kellington – that's his name, Leftenant Brandon Kellington – has graciously offered to backtrack far enough to 'reunite' us with our people in Kalik, where we'll slip away and hopefully find a way to Chitral and her CIA contact. I wish we could just tell him who we are and ask him to drop us at the nearest Marine Corps installment, but if Andie gets caught out here by anyone but her own people, someone might put two and two together and tie us to the mission. It was set up to look like a sneak attack by the group's rivals, not a strike by a covert operations force, and the last thing we need is an international incident over the hostages or the missiles.
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Mac's Apartment, Georgetown
Harm
'He makes me angrier than any man I've ever met. Sometimes I want to wring his neck. He's cocky, self-assured, and so damn gorgeous, and he knows it. It kills me.'
I lean back and reach for my drink: tonic water with lime. I thought it was only fitting. This entry is covering one of the many times we were on opposite sides of the courtroom and I pushed her buttons on purpose, just to make her respond to me. I think it was some juvenile way to make sure she was paying attention to me. It was my own fourth-grade method of letting her know how I felt, like when boys tease girls on the playground. I loved her. Why couldn't I have just admitted it one of the hundred thousand times I had the chance?
'And just when I'm ready to call it quits, either kill him or transfer out of Virginia, he does something sweet. He says something nice, or apologizes in his own juvenile way, and I melt.'
I smile at her word choice. She and I have spent so long together, we think on the same adjective wavelength. Apparently we thought on the same emotional wavelength, too. Too bad I never got up the courage to do something about it.
'He looks great in his uniform. All of them. I'm so glad he went Navy. I lied when I said the dress whites and gold wings were overrated. I rate them higher than anyone I know. A little known fact, though, is that I actually like the winter uniforms better. The blue brings out his eyes. He's gorgeous in anything, though. Uniforms, t-shirts, sweats, boxers...I wish daily that the traffic light system had never been invented.'
She looks great in everything, too. That night at the bar, when she and Jordan were playing darts...everyone thought I was looking at Jordan. I hope they did, anyway. I wasn't. I was too busy memorizing everything about Sarah's appearance that night. She's beautiful all the time, but that night, in that little shirt that's fueled a billion fantasies since then, I was so hard-pressed to keep from pinning her to a wall and having my way with her, in front of Jordan, Bobbi, and the whole rest of the world.
Not like I haven't felt like that before, though. Every time she comes into my office to tease me about something I've done or said, when she gives me that little amused smirk, I want to kiss her senseless. I want her so much. Wanted her, I guess. Wanted her, loved her, and never told her. Could have, should have, would have, didn't. How could I have been such an idiot?
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Desert, Middle East (Coordinates Unknown)
Mac
Nearly half an hour later, Andie's awake and talking and Kellington's laughing nervously. I think it's a way to cover his embarrassment that he understands absolutely none of the Russian that Andie is speaking rapid-fire at him.
"You could leave the poor man be," I scold in Russian, and she gives me an amused look.
"That's the last thing he wants," she parries, still speaking Russian. "Here we are in the middle of the desert, and the 'poor man' is driving a few hundred miles by himself on the most boring detail in the world and finds two gorgeous Russian women in desperate need of assistance. This is every lonely soldier's fantasy."
Torn between amusement and exasperation but unwilling to argue the point, I sink further down into my seat and let my eyes drift shut. If Andie wants to have some fun, far be it from me to stop her. If she's harassing Kellington, that means she's leaving me alone, and I can get some sleep. It should only be an hour or two until we reach Kalik, and from there less than a day and a half to Chitral. I can't wait to get home.
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Mac's Apartment, Georgetown
Harm
I swing the door open, ready to kill whoever decided this would be a good time and place to disturb me. Jordan Parker, my girlfriend, is standing on the front stoop.
"Hi," she says, and I turn away. I don't know what to say to her.
"I can't do this, Jordan."
"I know." I hear her close the door behind her, and then she walks past me into the kitchen. She bangs around in there for a few minutes and comes back with two mugs of tea. I haven't moved from the spot where she left me. I have no idea what to tell her, and frankly I don't care how she's affected by this. I know my attitude is unfair, but so is my situation. I think my apathy is justified.
"Take this," she orders, shoving the mug into my hand, and I take it automatically. She sits down on the couch, looks at me, and heaves a big sigh. "Harm, come sit down."
I give her a belligerent look and she returns it with an impatient one. Conceding the point as unimportant, I join her on the couch.
"Honey, I'm so sorry."
Here we go. I don't want platitudes from Jordan. I don't want anything from Jordan. I know that if I had the opportunity I'd trade Jordan for Mac in an instant, and that knowledge makes me vaguely ashamed.
"One night, a while ago, we were all at McMurphy's. Do you remember that?"
That was the night I spent watching Mac and pretending to watch Jordan. Yeah, I remember all right.
"That night, I told Mac I'd only have you until she decided she wanted you. She told me she wasn't a threat to me."
I give her a bewildered look. I knew nothing about this conversation.
"Harm, I knew you were in love with her. I always knew we were temporary; just a quick fix until the two of you figured it all out."
"You should have clued me in," I say, surprised at how raspy my voice is. It must be all the crying. "If I'd known, maybe this wouldn't have happened."
"You can't blame yourself, Harm." There's the psychiatrist in her, rearing its ugly head.
"The hell I can't. I could have asked her to stay."
"She was TDY. That's not your fault."
"I should have tried! There has to be something I could have done!" I drop my head into my hands. "She was mad at me when she left. I told her she was running away from her responsibilities. Taking the easy way out. The last conversation we had was an argument." I don't know where that admittance came from; I hadn't told anyone about the argument we had right before she left. I didn't want anyone to know. Strangely, telling Jordan makes me feel a little better. I have it off my chest.
Jordan reaches out a hand to rest it on my shoulder, and I jerk away. It isn't right for me to let her touch me. I'm not thinking about her. I don't want it to be her hand. For a moment I think about pretending she's Sarah, and then another stab of conscience hits me. That's not right, not honorable. The honorable thing to do is throw Jordan out before I do something I'll regret.
"I think you should leave."
She sighs, and for a moment I think she's going to ignore me. Then she rises, setting her mug down and grabbing her purse.
"If you want to talk, you know where to find me. I truly am sorry, Harm."
I close my eyes and keep them that way until I hear the door shut behind her.