Title: Fragile
Author: Haldiriell
Rating: PG
Genre: angst
Summary: Some of Selene's thoughts.
Author's Notes: Just barely got into this. Had to put it down because it came to me, so . . .
I have lived with a fragile faith, built on the ether of vague memories I can neither prove, nor explain.
That's not entirely true, really. A character on a television program said it once, and it's stuck with me. Funny how some things do that.
My memory of the night that changed me is clear as a window. I remember the feel of the doorknob, at first cold, then warm and slick the longer my sweaty hand held it. I remember the pounding of my heart, pounding that only got louder and faster the more the screams went on outside. First my father, shouting and firing at his attacker, and then his scream. My mother, and my sister, coming not too long after, as the invasion and destruction of our home continued.
I thought of my nieces. I wanted to go, to protect them, but fear held me frozen, immoble, the only warmth in me escaping to drip to the floor, off the doorknob.
I suppose it was the sound of that little droplet that brought him to me. He told me that the War had claimed my family, but that he was going to save me. He seemed so tall, in the moonlight, so strong. A new father to replace the old.
Viktor bit me, and turned me. I was only twenty-three years old.
Years have passed. Long, countless years. I built up a worshipful faith in Viktor. I broke the Chain because I had such faith in him.
Last night, though . . . Everything I had come to know and believe about my world fell apart in my hands. I was betrayed by the one I loved like a father. Lycans hadn't killed my family. Viktor did that, and used my grief and rage to fuel his vendetta against a race he'd kept as slaves for centuries.
I did what I had to last night, to keep going, to keep fighting. It meant killing Viktor. I don't regret it, my decision. But I feel grief for what I have been driven to do, what Viktor drove me to do. He made me kill my own kind.
I have lived with a fragile faith . . .
My faith wasn't fragile, or so I thought, but it is now. I find cause to doubt everything now. Are vampires superior? Are Lycans? Does it even matter? Everything that I've known is altered now. The rose-coloured glasses are gone, and in their place is a harsh glare that brings everything out of the shadow.
Viktor lied. Kraven lied. Lucian, whom I had thought was a vicious, horrid creature, saved my life last night.
He saved Michael's life.
My centuries of conditioning is screaming at me that Michael is a Lycan, that this is wrong. But my heart . . . my heart that was forever altered when Viktor placed his teeth on my neck in that cold, dark hallway, tells me that it doesn't matter. Michael is Michael. With him, I am nothing more than Selene. I'm not a tool, a means to an end. I'm not an enemy.
I'm just a woman. He's just a man.
I changed him last night, and I have broken the Covenant. He is more than a man, now. More than a Lycan. Half vampire, half wolf, but more than the sum of his parts. What he is I can't possibly begin to describe. I don't even know if I want to. I want him to just be Michael. I want to be just Selene.
Of course, if I were "just Selene", I would have died centuries ago, and would never know Michael. And Kraven would be in control of the vampires, Viktor would be dead . . . Michael would still be what he became last night, but I would not know him.
I would not be lying here, in this dark room, the only warmth Michael's body curled around mine. There is peace here, and it's odd to me. I haven't known peace since before my family was murdered.
I want to feel that I don't deserve peace, for the killings I commited in Viktor's name . . . for killing Viktor. But somehow, I can't. I wanted to feel a storm of things. But all Michael did was draw me in, and everything else went away.
Here, I can believe that it doesn't matter what the next evening brings, when Marcos Awakens, and my kind turn to hunt me. The sun is rising, and we will be safe until nightfall. Vampires can't touch us until then, and the wolves don't want to. Funny, that. I can trust my sworn enemy not to kill me, but I fear my own coven. But for now, here, I am safe. Michael is safe.
For now, it's all that matters. I can believe that, and begin to build this new faith. I will build it on new memories, forged from the old. Hopefully, it won't prove to be as fragile.
---
end