Disclaimer: sadly enough, I own nothing about Yu Yu Hakusho. I didn't write it, I didn't dub it, I didn't do anything that has to do with the anime or the manga. So I would appreciate it if you didn't try to sue me for writing about it.
This is my first of a hopefully promising new line of stories and such. All of my earlier works lack the depth that I seem to have acquired over the past months. And I am now deciding to display some of that depth to the readers online and to my friends and family. I write more clearly now than I ever have before, I write more about love because I understand it more, I write more about pain because I understand it as much as I understand love. The two go together though. But I am not here to bore you with my philosophy about love and pain, life and death and sanity and insanity. I am here to write you a story about a fox demon who is in pain, who is in love, and who only wants to be with the one who he feels he cannot have.
The day was rainy and bleak. And as I walked down a crowded Tokyo street with my mother, I couldn't help but think about a fire demon that had, once again, stolen my heart and everything that went along with it. I longed to call him. I longed to be close to him and to embrace him. I longed to look into his brilliantly crimson eyes and cry my own eyes until every ounce of water was out of my body. I wanted to die for him. I wanted him to die for me. Oh gods…I wanted all the things I could not have.
Where are you right now? Are you feeling the same pain that I feel? Do you long for the passions that we have only briefly been able to exchange? Do you long to see me again? Do you even care that you are tearing me apart from inside? Are you that cold, you can't possibly be as cold as you would like everyone to believe. I know better than to believe that. Do you not believe that? Oh gods… do you honestly think that you can go your entire life without love? Please…I don't want it to be this way. I don't want us to be apart any longer! I want us to be together forever the way it is meant to be! It doesn't matter what the others say! We can run away from the others! Are you so blind that you can't see that?! Are you running from me?
I shook my head at the thought of my lover. He would come back to me in time… He always did. But this time had been different. And, despite my mental protests at not remembering what had happened last night…I saw his eyes again, I saw the tears that had been forming there. I saw them again in the detail that I hoped I my mind wouldn't be able to capture.
Why were you crying..? Had I done something to make you cry? Had I done something to make you feel unwanted? Had I said something..? Had someone else said something? Was there any way for me to find you if you wouldn't come back? Was there any way for me to every have you in my arms again if you were too frightened to come back to me? Was there anything at all that I could do? Anything? I would willingly do anything if it meant getting you back? Can you hear me now? As I think these things? Are your telepathic powers branched out into my mind, reading everything that I think like it is an open book.
I felt the tears beginning to sting the back of my eyes. I knew that I had to quickly compose myself. I was in the presence of my human mother, I didn't want her to see me cry for a reason that I couldn't honestly tell her to its full extent. I didn't want her to see me cry over a demon that if she only knew she would love as much as I did. I didn't want her to see me cry over someone that wasn't there to comfort me, to justify his own actions, I didn't want her to see me cry because I didn't want to have to think of myself crying. I didn't want to cry over him again. Like I had already done so many times before. And that I knew I would do many times more.
I wiped my eyes quickly. Trying my best to make it seem that I had merely had something in my eye. How often is it that mortals use that excuse? How often had I used it in my 16 years of mortal life? How many more times would I use it? Was it my human qualities that he liked so much? Was is my demon qualities that I fought every day to hold on to? Or, was it the perfect mixture between the two? Was it the mixture that made me who I was and that made the sweet drink that he was so addicted to.
Is there a reason that I feel this pain? I silently begged every god of every religion that I had ever heard of to answer my plea. I begged gods that I had absolutely no believe of. I begged the gods of thieves in Makai…I begged the gods of saints in cathedrals… I begged the gods of religions as different from one another as Christianity and Buddhism. I begged the virgin Mary, I begged Jesus Christ, I begged Buddha, I begged any and every god that came to mind when I sent out my desperate plea for answers.
But I didn't get any answers. Not that I had honestly expected any. Can you see me as I am now? I asked my distant torturer and lover. Can you see the madness that you have driven me to? Can you see me standing in the street silently praying to gods that you have never heard of for the answers to questions that I don't honestly believe have answers? Can you see me now Hiei? Can you see me as I stand here today? Longing you? Needing you? Dieing for you? Please… If you can see me… Please come and save me before it is too late. Save me before I am driven to total insanity. Please Hiei…come back here and rescue me?
Well… I hope you like it so far. Please tell me if you want me to write more. This is a new style of writing for me, it's more deep and more angsty than I am used to. But, review it if you liked it.
~Khaos Angel