Morning sunshine slanted through the bedroom window.
"Good morning, sleepyhead," purred Nicole, cuddling up to him. She started to caress him under the covers, but Luka turned away quickly and sat up.
"What's wrong? It won't hurt the baby, will it?"
"What?"
"Making love?"
"No," Luka replied quickly. "I just..." he sighed. "Not right, now ... ok?"
He got into the shower and tried to think. Why had Nicole's touch turned him off -- repelled him, almost, this morning? The idea of the baby was still ok, more than ok. It was something he'd been wanting, without even realizing it, for such a long time. (Maybe that was what had come between him and Abby? That they'd never talked about children? That he'd sensed that Abby didn't seem to want them?)
But what was wrong with Nicole? No, he told himself firmly, there was nothing wrong with her. She was a sweet girl; gentle, kind, innocent. A lot of bad stuff had happened to her, none of which was her fault. It wasn't her fault she'd had a difficult childhood. She'd had to be on her own for a long time; that could make even sweet and innocent people 'hard' in strange ways. Once she had someone to help her, take care of her, she would be ok.
And it wasn't her fault she had gotten pregnant, perhaps a little sooner than either of them were quite ready for. These things really *did* happen sometimes.
No, Luka realized, the only thing *wrong* with Nicole was that she wasn't Danijela -- and that wasn't her fault either. Nobody could be Danijela, and it was wrong of him to expect anyone to be. For 10 years he'd been waiting for Danijela to come along again. What had Carol said about Doug -- that he was her soul-mate? Danijela *had* been his, and Carol had been wrong, he was never going to find another love like her again. But that didn't mean he had to be alone forever, did it? He could have children again ... have a family again, even have a wife he could love again. Nicole was a good person, he could learn to love her, he just had to give himself, and her, a chance.
Luka got out of the shower and quickly dried off, then returned to the bedroom. Nicole was still in bed. Dropping the towel on the floor, he got into bed beside her.
-----
Over breakfast he said "I think the best thing would be for us to get married."
"You don't have to do that," Nicole said quickly. "I wasn't expecting you to...."
"Don't you want to marry me? I thought you liked me," Luka teased.
"I do, I want to ... I just don't want *you* to feel that you have to."
"I know I don't have to. But it's what I want. And it's what's best for everyone. I see way too many kids growing up with just one parent, and it's too hard, and I don't want that for my baby, or for you. You shouldn't have to be alone. And I want to be able to raise my baby -- my child." He hesitated. "And if this one turns out good, maybe a few more?"
"I'll make you change diapers," Nicole joked.
"I don't mind."
"I'm sure you've never changed a diaper in your whole life."
"One or two," Luka said softly.
"What? Do they teach you how in medical school?"
Luka opened his mouth to answer, to explain, then, somehow, couldn't do it. They were so happy, so relaxed ... why spoil it? "Something like that," he said. Then, "So, when do you want to do this?"
"Do what?"
"Get married!"
"I... I don't know. There's no big hurry, I guess. I'm due.... I think it would be next summer some time."
"They'll be able to tell you for sure at your first OB appointment. We need to set that up soon."
"Yeah, I know. But, anytime between now and then."
"I was just thinking that it can take time to plan a wedding. So we need to decide, and we might want to do it before you get too big, though we don't have to if you don't mind walking down the aisle looking like a house."
"A wedding?" Nicole asked, surprised. "Were you wanting a wedding? I was thinking we'd just get married."
"It's up to you. I just thought you would want one. You're entitled to have one, you know."
"Even now?" Nicole patted her still flat belly.
"Sure, even now. Dr. Corday and Dr. Green got married when she was 8 months gone, in a big church wedding. And just a few weeks ago we had a women come into the ER in a white wedding gown -- complete with the train and veil and everything -- full term! Her water had broken on the way to the church and she panicked."
They laughed together, then Nicole said, seriously, "It's nice of you to offer, but I don't think I'd want that. Just a small wedding, with a few friends. Or we could go to the courthouse. We can think about it and decide another day."
Luka was, secretly, relieved that she didn't want a big wedding. Even as he was offering it, he was wondering, in all honesty, who they would invite to such an event. Even 'a few friends' might prove a challenge to scare up. Luka had neighbors and acquaintances, he realized. He got along well, professionally, with most of the people at County, but there were few who he would consider to be 'friends' in any real sense, except for maybe Abby -- and he couldn't imagine inviting Abby to his wedding -- not to this one anyway! And family? His father would, no doubt, be thrilled to learn that he was marrying again, and even more thrilled to hear that he was finally going to have grandchildren again (his brother and sister in law had been trying without success for years now), but Luka wasn't sure how he'd react to the news that he was marrying someone he hadn't yet even *mentioned* to him in their frequent phone conversations! No, he couldn't see flying his father and brother over for this wedding. Best to inform them after the deed was done.
As for Nicole, if she had any close friends, he'd never met them. Yes, a small wedding, a very small one, was probably the best choice.
-----
It's what's best for everyone. Luka told himself that a thousand times over the next few days. And he knew it was true. But it didn't make the time at home with Nicole any easier. Instead of growing more comfortable in each others' company, things seemed to grow more strained between them. Luka knew he was trying, and he could sense that Nicole was trying too. So what was going wrong? Why didn't it work?
Still, they went ahead with their plans, talking about the baby and the wedding. The baby was the one thing they could talk about together easily. They decided, tentatively, on a late December wedding, right after Christmas, though Luka never seemed able to find the time to locate a priest to talk to about it. (Nicole wanted to be married by a priest, though Luka would have preferred a civil ceremony. Perhaps he could still change her mind.) He thought he'd ask Mark to stand up with him. Mark was married and had children. He would understand what Luka was doing, and why. Nobody else was likely to.
Not that he'd given them a chance, of course. He hadn't told anyone else except Abby about the baby, and hadn't yet told anyone about his plans to marry Nicole. Abby's response to the news about the baby, while sympathetic enough, had hardly been supportive, and he hesitated to tell her the rest, though he could certainly use a friend about now. Still ... it just wasn't the sort of topic one brought up over coffee... "Oh, by the way, I've decided to marry Nicole and settle down with her and raise a passel of kids," just *didn't* roll trippingly off the tongue, now did it? The more Luka thought about it, the more awkward the whole situation seemed to be. Nobody at County liked Nicole. Nobody was going to understand why he was marrying her. Maybe the best thing to do would be to leave County, get a job elsewhere. Surely that wouldn't be hard to do....
----
Abby brought up the subject first. When she told him that she'd seen Nicole, and expressed surprise that she planned on keeping the baby -- and questioned again if he knew it was really his -- he'd told her that he was going to marry Nicole. And Abby's response had hardly been what he'd hoped for (though, in all honesty, about what he'd expected). "You've known her for what ... 5 minutes?" And then he'd gotten defensive and Abby had gotten pissy and they'd stopped talking to each other. Why didn't Abby understand? Surely she knew him better than that ... well enough to have some idea of what he was thinking, why he was doing this. No, he thought, she was just jealous. She'd dumped him for no reason, and couldn't bear to think that he might someday be happy with someone else.
Someday. No, they weren't happy now, not really. Luka wasn't going to lie to himself. But they would be. Once the baby was born, even once she started to show and he could share in her pregnancy, or even once they were married, things would be better. They *would* be. And, in the meantime, a fresh start, away from County, would be the first step.
TO BE CONTINUED ...
"Good morning, sleepyhead," purred Nicole, cuddling up to him. She started to caress him under the covers, but Luka turned away quickly and sat up.
"What's wrong? It won't hurt the baby, will it?"
"What?"
"Making love?"
"No," Luka replied quickly. "I just..." he sighed. "Not right, now ... ok?"
He got into the shower and tried to think. Why had Nicole's touch turned him off -- repelled him, almost, this morning? The idea of the baby was still ok, more than ok. It was something he'd been wanting, without even realizing it, for such a long time. (Maybe that was what had come between him and Abby? That they'd never talked about children? That he'd sensed that Abby didn't seem to want them?)
But what was wrong with Nicole? No, he told himself firmly, there was nothing wrong with her. She was a sweet girl; gentle, kind, innocent. A lot of bad stuff had happened to her, none of which was her fault. It wasn't her fault she'd had a difficult childhood. She'd had to be on her own for a long time; that could make even sweet and innocent people 'hard' in strange ways. Once she had someone to help her, take care of her, she would be ok.
And it wasn't her fault she had gotten pregnant, perhaps a little sooner than either of them were quite ready for. These things really *did* happen sometimes.
No, Luka realized, the only thing *wrong* with Nicole was that she wasn't Danijela -- and that wasn't her fault either. Nobody could be Danijela, and it was wrong of him to expect anyone to be. For 10 years he'd been waiting for Danijela to come along again. What had Carol said about Doug -- that he was her soul-mate? Danijela *had* been his, and Carol had been wrong, he was never going to find another love like her again. But that didn't mean he had to be alone forever, did it? He could have children again ... have a family again, even have a wife he could love again. Nicole was a good person, he could learn to love her, he just had to give himself, and her, a chance.
Luka got out of the shower and quickly dried off, then returned to the bedroom. Nicole was still in bed. Dropping the towel on the floor, he got into bed beside her.
-----
Over breakfast he said "I think the best thing would be for us to get married."
"You don't have to do that," Nicole said quickly. "I wasn't expecting you to...."
"Don't you want to marry me? I thought you liked me," Luka teased.
"I do, I want to ... I just don't want *you* to feel that you have to."
"I know I don't have to. But it's what I want. And it's what's best for everyone. I see way too many kids growing up with just one parent, and it's too hard, and I don't want that for my baby, or for you. You shouldn't have to be alone. And I want to be able to raise my baby -- my child." He hesitated. "And if this one turns out good, maybe a few more?"
"I'll make you change diapers," Nicole joked.
"I don't mind."
"I'm sure you've never changed a diaper in your whole life."
"One or two," Luka said softly.
"What? Do they teach you how in medical school?"
Luka opened his mouth to answer, to explain, then, somehow, couldn't do it. They were so happy, so relaxed ... why spoil it? "Something like that," he said. Then, "So, when do you want to do this?"
"Do what?"
"Get married!"
"I... I don't know. There's no big hurry, I guess. I'm due.... I think it would be next summer some time."
"They'll be able to tell you for sure at your first OB appointment. We need to set that up soon."
"Yeah, I know. But, anytime between now and then."
"I was just thinking that it can take time to plan a wedding. So we need to decide, and we might want to do it before you get too big, though we don't have to if you don't mind walking down the aisle looking like a house."
"A wedding?" Nicole asked, surprised. "Were you wanting a wedding? I was thinking we'd just get married."
"It's up to you. I just thought you would want one. You're entitled to have one, you know."
"Even now?" Nicole patted her still flat belly.
"Sure, even now. Dr. Corday and Dr. Green got married when she was 8 months gone, in a big church wedding. And just a few weeks ago we had a women come into the ER in a white wedding gown -- complete with the train and veil and everything -- full term! Her water had broken on the way to the church and she panicked."
They laughed together, then Nicole said, seriously, "It's nice of you to offer, but I don't think I'd want that. Just a small wedding, with a few friends. Or we could go to the courthouse. We can think about it and decide another day."
Luka was, secretly, relieved that she didn't want a big wedding. Even as he was offering it, he was wondering, in all honesty, who they would invite to such an event. Even 'a few friends' might prove a challenge to scare up. Luka had neighbors and acquaintances, he realized. He got along well, professionally, with most of the people at County, but there were few who he would consider to be 'friends' in any real sense, except for maybe Abby -- and he couldn't imagine inviting Abby to his wedding -- not to this one anyway! And family? His father would, no doubt, be thrilled to learn that he was marrying again, and even more thrilled to hear that he was finally going to have grandchildren again (his brother and sister in law had been trying without success for years now), but Luka wasn't sure how he'd react to the news that he was marrying someone he hadn't yet even *mentioned* to him in their frequent phone conversations! No, he couldn't see flying his father and brother over for this wedding. Best to inform them after the deed was done.
As for Nicole, if she had any close friends, he'd never met them. Yes, a small wedding, a very small one, was probably the best choice.
-----
It's what's best for everyone. Luka told himself that a thousand times over the next few days. And he knew it was true. But it didn't make the time at home with Nicole any easier. Instead of growing more comfortable in each others' company, things seemed to grow more strained between them. Luka knew he was trying, and he could sense that Nicole was trying too. So what was going wrong? Why didn't it work?
Still, they went ahead with their plans, talking about the baby and the wedding. The baby was the one thing they could talk about together easily. They decided, tentatively, on a late December wedding, right after Christmas, though Luka never seemed able to find the time to locate a priest to talk to about it. (Nicole wanted to be married by a priest, though Luka would have preferred a civil ceremony. Perhaps he could still change her mind.) He thought he'd ask Mark to stand up with him. Mark was married and had children. He would understand what Luka was doing, and why. Nobody else was likely to.
Not that he'd given them a chance, of course. He hadn't told anyone else except Abby about the baby, and hadn't yet told anyone about his plans to marry Nicole. Abby's response to the news about the baby, while sympathetic enough, had hardly been supportive, and he hesitated to tell her the rest, though he could certainly use a friend about now. Still ... it just wasn't the sort of topic one brought up over coffee... "Oh, by the way, I've decided to marry Nicole and settle down with her and raise a passel of kids," just *didn't* roll trippingly off the tongue, now did it? The more Luka thought about it, the more awkward the whole situation seemed to be. Nobody at County liked Nicole. Nobody was going to understand why he was marrying her. Maybe the best thing to do would be to leave County, get a job elsewhere. Surely that wouldn't be hard to do....
----
Abby brought up the subject first. When she told him that she'd seen Nicole, and expressed surprise that she planned on keeping the baby -- and questioned again if he knew it was really his -- he'd told her that he was going to marry Nicole. And Abby's response had hardly been what he'd hoped for (though, in all honesty, about what he'd expected). "You've known her for what ... 5 minutes?" And then he'd gotten defensive and Abby had gotten pissy and they'd stopped talking to each other. Why didn't Abby understand? Surely she knew him better than that ... well enough to have some idea of what he was thinking, why he was doing this. No, he thought, she was just jealous. She'd dumped him for no reason, and couldn't bear to think that he might someday be happy with someone else.
Someday. No, they weren't happy now, not really. Luka wasn't going to lie to himself. But they would be. Once the baby was born, even once she started to show and he could share in her pregnancy, or even once they were married, things would be better. They *would* be. And, in the meantime, a fresh start, away from County, would be the first step.
TO BE CONTINUED ...